The Desperate Chase During My Weekends

It's drizzling here on a Sunday night and I am about to go to bed to wake up to another week in which I am not even sure leads to where I'm supposed to go. So before today ends, I am going to write about what I've been putting myself through for the past weekends.

I think I'm at a phase where I spend a ridiculous amount of time cruising guys through gay mobile apps. I am literally on it all the time! Either I delude myself to believe in diligent fishing, never giving up hope, never closing the medium to which possibilities may come, or I am in reality just a plain desperate soul craving to experience emotional excitement.

Maybe because I've recently been feeling so mundane with my daily routine of going to work and then going home to my family that I felt the need to refuel myself with the determination of 2011 & 2012 in trying to develop more gay experiences outside of my comfort zone.

Friday

As Friday approached, I cruised long and hard. I was supposed to meet up with an American expatriate I've been WhatsApp-ing for weeks now. However, due to some misunderstanding, bad communication or bad timing, he was just being difficult and we couldn't reach a compromise. 

From my side the key words went something like: 

"Let me know if your plans are cancelled or if you can make it. - I'm sorry for the miscommunication. - Rain check if you're busy. No worries. - I'll still be here till 12.30am if you change your mind."

And from his side it went something like:

"I thought we were supposed to? - Bye then. - You're odd. - You mentioned rain check 4 times. - It seems as if that's what you want. - Forget about it. Bye."

Even though I was in the company of a close friend throughout the whole night, I told myself to forget about him and let it go. It's not worth it and it wouldn't help if I just kept forcing things that are beyond my control. Was he being a princess? Was it him or was it me? Why the hell does it take so much effort just to arrange a meeting?

Saturday

Because my Friday night plans failed, I spent the whole Saturday afternoon, evening, night and midnight effortlessly chatting guys up, hoping to land at least one meet-up or foreplay fun if not the real thing. I sent out messages everywhere, like how a jobless person for 5 years would with his résumé.

I invited the same close friend to hang out together while I continued fishing over coffee because to a certain extend, I am feeling very tired of being stagnant. Truth is I'm not willing to just grab any guy, but then again I reek of desperation as I try to adjust my minimal standard. It's very unattractive and pathetic I know.

One memorable candidate on Grindr even asked for my face picture and immediately told me he needed to go to bed after I gave it to him because "it's late". Wow. 

I went to bed that night at 3.30am, thinking how many more Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays will I be grooming myself to look good, wearing fresh Calvin Klein underwear, brush my teeth, spraying all that cologne and putting quality condoms in my pocket just to march home again, telling myself as I sigh: "Oh well..."

Sunday

After two disappointing days, I was just so drained by the fact that I was getting no where and that the online cruising world is such a shitty place. At moments like these, I truly realised how much I appreciate J and the Elder Irishman for everything that they are and have been to me. Really, from the bottom of my heart I feel grateful.

I then finally got in touch with 2 guys I've been texting for weeks now. One is not necessarily good-looking, but he's athletically fit in his late 30s or early 40s. As usual, I was pushing very hard for a sex date with him. But somehow there was just not enough momentum from both parties and nothing positive materialised. I know that although my aim was to have sex with this guy, but something in me told me that I was more interested in meeting the other guy I've been texting called E.

When the sex date arrangements failed, I reprimanded myself in my head: "Jesus M, what is this? What are you doing? You spent the entire weekend, running around the city like a crazy person, trying to look for what? Affection? Sexual experience? Validation? All for what? Just so that you know how it finally feels to catch up on those closeted years and put them all behind you?"

I pondered to myself: "Is it really me or am I just looking in the wrong pool? Well then what the fuck is wrong with all the gay guys in this country? They're just unworthy." Finally, after much craziness and all that train wreck on my part, plans to meet up with E fell through, in which I'll do a recount in the next post.

If They're Straight, They're Straight!

It's my day off so thought I'd write down some thoughts. My mom recently verbalised that I tend to live in a world of my own. No matter how much I try to delude myself, I can't deny that what she said is indeed the underlying truth to my life.

I recently attended my company's corporate Futsal event and was surrounded by dark, tanned, and sweaty well-built athletic men. Not all of them are necessarily good-looking, but the fact that they're half-naked and drench in virility over a variant of football just magnifies whatever lack-of-love-from-a-man desire I was feeling.

As I wandered and mingled my way through the crowded sports complex, I came across many of the guys who piqued my interest. Now what brought on the next epiphany, was my instinctive behaviour of how I tend to absent-mindedly gaze at them in a way that only a guy would do to a girl he fancies. 

For many years now, this has been the story of my life and my targets just never seem to notice me or even the slightest attention I have on them. Which brought on this conversational discussion I had with myself in my head.

Me:

"M, look. Just look. Use your damn eyes and let's be honest with ourselves. What do you see?" 

Me:

"I see that I'm looking at them, talking to them, smiling at them, paying attention to them. But they're not responding and they actually don't care about my presence."

Me:

"So what does that tell you then? Come on. You're a smart guy, don't tell me you can't figure simple things out. Let's think about it for a second and take you as an example. For years, you've been doing whatever it is that you're doing and constantly putting in so much effort and attention towards guys. Why is that?" 

Me:

"It's because I love them, I'm interested in them, I wanna be with them, be loved by them. I harbour crushes for them and I idolise them! Oh I don't know, a million inexplicable reasons?"

Me:

"Do you think this feeling is sometimes beyond your control?"

Me:

"Yeah actually I do. I don't know why I feel this way... I mean, I didn't ask to feel this way. But yet, I just feel it. I can't justify why these guys have such an effect on me. It just comes from within. Can't help it, I'm human."

Me:

"Exactly! So if they were looking for something similar or were in any sense 'gay' with an instinctive behaviour that comes from within, wouldn't they be acting or reciprocating in a way that you are now unconsciously and instinctively doing? If they're straight, they're straight! End of story, nothing more."

Me: [sigh...]

It was a partial self wake-up call, but also a fate in life I think I have to accept if I'm ever going to move on. This whole conversation made me wonder if my past experience in trying to deal or cope with my constant falling in love with guys such as him, him, him or him, was because I believed and couldn't let go of the self-conjured, painted, crafted, created, whatever image or fantasy of them in my head?

Rather than honestly perceiving things, people and characters for what they really are, I allowed my flimsy self to be carried away with thoughts and hopes of the very guys that are capable of bringing out the inner crazy lovesick teenager living in me that has come to be my dilemma.

Damn, they're straight and you're a guy who's attracted to other guys in a straight world. They're straight. There's nothing more and there's no way they will ever break convention to respond to you. Move the fuck on and get on with life. 

You know I can't help but wonder if this realisation from this point foward, will go on to teach me how to cope smarter with my gay thoughts and feelings in a straight world?

The Guy Who Gave 4.055 Points

I am not about to start focusing on minor stuff, but this is just too good of a story not to share as part of my ongoing journey. Yesterday a guy on Grindr said "Hi", so I responded. After a couple of one-word exchanges, he finally asked for a clear face picture. Truth is I wasn't really that interested, but I showed him a face picture anyway because, oh I don't know I'm a fool who believes in being broad-minded?

Guess what was his response to me? "4.055 pts" and then he stopped talking completely. Is that what his damn profile meant when it read: average<8.066 pts... sorry not interested, saying this cos don't wanna hurt you. Wow, I did not understand that.

"Is this guy fucking kidding me?" My jaw dropped as I hung electromagnetically after being doused in such ludicrousness. Damn, I really didn't know what to say. Heck I didn't even know if I was supposed to laugh because my heart was just cringing in sensation.

"Christ. 3 decimals? Does he give himself 2.099 pts then if I'm a 4.055? Is he mentally ill? Does he know that he's not even close to resembling the ideal man? Does he know that there are 6.4 billion people living in the world?" My mind was just flooded with sentences.

This dude is kind of funny and I'm thankful that he came into contact with me. One because he serves as a strong reminder of how I have to continue to rise above it all. Second, he makes me realise that I am actually platinum beyond points and it gives me hope that I will one day find the real thing.

12 Things Happy People Do Differently

You can't have 10 Things You Must Give Up To Move Forward without the rest of the series so here it is extracted from Facebook.

12 Negative Thoughts Holding You Back

You can't have 10 Things You Must Give Up To Move Forward without the rest of the series so here it is extracted from Facebook.

What is Your Dream of Happiness?

Interviewer:
"What is your dream of happiness?"

Successful Writer: [thinking]
"Well in the first book, one of the characters said to the other that the happiest man alive would look in the mirror and see himself exactly as he is. 

"So I would have to say, that I'm pretty close."

Am I Truly Much More Significant Than My Container?

For as long as I can remember ever since my days of waiting around after school, I would come across reflective surfaces of myself and contemplate a million thoughts. It's a personal moment that I have come to live one too many times. There's no secret about my struggles with low-self esteem along with the ability to make peace with the way I look. 

The year is now 2013 and I would look at my reflection, realising however that I'm no longer my 17 year old self, but someone already halfway through his twenties, supposedly one's prime decade. "Shucks! Is this me? This is how I've looked and will continue to exude for life. Nothing is going to happen and nothing is going to change. That whole thinking-you-were-going-to-grow-into-something-you've-been-anticipating, just isn't going to materialise. Maybe you are not meant to live the destiny you thought you hoped you would. So, acceptance?"

As I pay more attention to checking out handsome guys, there were many times when it sunk in that there's really nothing I could do about myself. As I sigh in front of my reflection in the gents, my eyes would study my eyes, my face, my nose, my cheek, my hair and my body. Everything that I am. So this is it. What am I going to do about it?

And at the frontier of acceptance, I think I have now grown to tell myself: "You know what M, it could have been worse. It could, have been, worse." So where do we go from here? How can I get past this mental blockage in myself to look at the bigger picture of what will define me and my life? 

I remember coming across a television program in which a discussion panel brought up the subject of how we really all are just energy. Quantum physics suggest that life as it is, everything that we are and everything around us is energy. One of the principles of energy is that energy can never be created, never be destroyed, can only transmute from one form to another.

If earthly beings are just a huge ball of energy contained in a temporary form, then the body that we're in is the container that holds pure energy. The energy that is our spirit that seeks to express itself through us, to become more aware of oneself. And what controls the interdependent flow and exchange of energy is manifested in the form of speech, thought, movement, emotions etc.

When we die, this energy of ours, the spirit will be released in order for it to move on or transmute to another form, leaving the body as a mere physical container. I can't help but wonder if human beings are actually powerful forms of energy contained in different types of bottles. Coloured bottles, black bottles, exquisite bottles, dilapidated bottles, bottles without caps, bottles with dents, each however containing a spiritual being or energy of varying types and degrees.

I had a thought. Strip energy out of its containing medium and what's left is just pure energy that is us. And at the end of the day, the energy itself and the potential that it carries is what truly matters, hence the common saying of rising above superficiality. Once we realised that as true energy, we are actually not limited by our containers and are in fact bigger than what holds us, the possibilities of who we will become in life are now concretely endless. Therefore, the importance of remembering yourself as a spiritual being can separate oneself from the rest of the society.

So as someone who is not meant to find fulfilment in the container that I am in, how can I use myself as this pure energy, the spiritual being that is writing this and make up who I am, to live this life on Earth? I'm guessing that that might possibly be the closure I've been searching for and also the bigger picture that would give meaning to my life.

Thoughts While On a Drive Home

A couple of days ago in an elevator, I was standing right next to Hot Alpha Male Guy from my office whom I believe could play a hot Marvel Comics superhero. I tried so hard to stop myself from molesting every inch of him with my eyes, but I couldn't. "Dude I swear. One day, we'll fuck cause you're mine!", goes my inner Mafia voice. My body was just completely frozen to every single thing that he stands for, his scent, his masculinity, him. My boyfriend.

Don't think it's necessary to walk the public this time through the usual things I had to do in order to sort myself out after, but his effect on me that afternoon, made me wonder if this was what my life has become and if this was what my life has grown to be about over the recent years?

Today in the car, I expressed my thoughts and feelings to my younger brother who was driving us home. I told him what happened with me throughout the day and said...

Me:

"I have something I need to confess. Do you remember while having lunch on Saturday and you were ogling at two girls who were seated at a nearby table?"

He: [laughs]

"Yeah! And then I tried justifying that it's normal to feel like a wolf when you're single." 

Me: [chuckle]

"Yeah!" 

"To be honest, at that moment I couldn't quite understand why were you ogling over regular-looking girls because that just didn't make sense. And then it hit me that what you just did, was an emotion that is so foreign to myself because I have never been able to experience that kind of burning desire for them (girls)." 

"I compared my x-rated fantasy for Hot Alpha Male Guy and wondered deep down about what it would feel like to be normal and lusting after straight girls? You know, like you."

He:

"We're both different! It's not wrong to be gay."

Me:

"I know..." 
"Kinda makes me think about the days in school where my friends would just go on and on about hot girls and chicks, and all I could do was play straight because I was in denial or whatever it is that you wanna call it. Then came the gay jokes and how people were just mocking any form of closeness between two males. That was when I truly realised that I was silently in trouble for feeling more and lusting for guys than any other regular boy should."

He:

"Yeah, that was then."

Me:

"Yeah I know. But it's okay, I'm just expressing myself to you because we're in the car. These are just mere thoughts and wanderings of the mind. Right now, I'm just glad that I've finally got it all better worked out."

Who's the Man and Who's the Woman in a Gay Relationship?

"Asking who's the 'man' and who's the 'woman' in a same-sex relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork." - Ellen DeGeneres

Understanding Our Search for a Romantic Partner

While chatting to a virtual gay friend during my lunch break last week, he conveyed a brief moment of sadness. I asked what's bothering him and he said: "I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired of looking for guys."

"Gee, you feel that too?", goes my reply. Without sounding like an unkind person, I from that exchange on didn't quite feel so guilty any more about my obscure situation because I am now certain about not being the only crazy guy who goes through my emotions. That I am not the only one who feels depress at times for wanting to experience normal things that other regular guys and girls experience throughout the course of their life.

I think this common sentiment of ours as human beings on Earth, can sometimes be easily misunderstood as mere self-pity for not having somebody. For this is to a major extend a realistic side of life, a constant theme in which the American television series Sex & The City has been promoting for years. Whether it's the ups and downs on the search for love, companionship or unconditional validation from another being.

A friend once said to me that having someone to love and care for you as a true lover, is a completely different kind of need that no amount of friends can ever help you fill because it requires a different kind of person to take on the role of a romantic partner. I initially couldn't grasp that concept, but I now realised that she might be right. However I can't help but wonder, if the world's population hadn't promoted romantic partnerships as a way of life arranged by the natural order of the universe, would we or would I, be so aware of the effects of having nobody to hug? Would I still want the necessary excitement of experiencing what it feels like to kiss another person?

"It's sad. I mean how many times can you have fun? There'll come a point when we want a genuine relationship", in pops his message onto my screen as I took another sip of my drink.

Thinking about what he said, I recalled what many gay guys out there tend to account in regard to their experience and journey through life and love in the gay world. Is that when we're attached in a serious relationship, we yearn for the fun that comes with the itch of sleeping with other guys that are out there. However, when we finally are having fun going around, we long desperately for a familiar belonging, a partner or a lover to share a space with. "So what's it gonna be and how's it suppose to be for me? What am I looking for?"

These are just a couple of thoughts and theories that plagued my mind throughout the remaining afternoon at work after my conversation with this guy. Is it perfectly normal and okay for single souls in search of a sense of belonging to feel whatever it is that they are feeling? And should others in life tell them otherwise that it's self-pity for not having found love? Do people who still perceive this as nothing but self-pity, still have a lot to learn and understand about the complexities of a human heart beating on Earth?

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today on April 8th, I came out to my Mom about my attraction for men after keeping it a secret for over 10 years since high school. Here I am still alive, sitting down and staring at the exact same spot in the living room where we were both seated as I coated my heart in steel and confronted uncertainty head on.

I can't believe it's been a year already and you know what? Time does pass and time does make everything better. I'm just grateful to have gotten this phase over and done with while putting it all behind me. But most importantly, I am grateful for not being abandoned, and that I still have my truthfully loving family and friends around. Thank you God, Gods, the Higher Power, the Heavens, the Universe, whomever you are up there who oversees us.

Dedicated to all my fellow brave gay brothers around the world. We're gonna be okay.

The Irishman and Me

For about 2 months now, I have been in touch with this Irish guy who lives in a city close to my heart. Our exchange happened unexpectedly while I was on a cruising site and the intercontinental conversation just kinda took off from there. He is buff and I'd say desirable amongst men his age range. However the catch is, he is probably 25-30 years older than I am. 

Now although I have no problem enjoying old world wine for everything that it is, but as a young gay who should be taking advantage of being young, I could just as easily say I am not interested in talking to old guys. But you know what, after venturing into the abrupt online cruising world, I started to appreciate all guys regardless of age who could carry on a warm conversation like a mature soul because that's how it should be.

I am not somebody who closes the door to somebody else before giving them a chance. We send each other messages every couple of days and grew close over the past two and a half months. Once in a while, I'd take a picture of my surroundings, of what I see and send it to him just so that we could both share each other's eyes.

I could feel the both of us softening for each other with time. He makes me feel so comfortable and warm that I'm starting to feel like a teenage girl. The truth is, I don't want to develop feelings for him because I refuse to limit myself to a lover his age. But yet, I cannot explain the gelatine that is my heart whenever I talk to him. "How vulnerable you are M!"

I was avoiding this, but gradually over time he finally told me about how he felt between us. About how he was falling for me and that he hated that we are thousands of miles apart. All I could say was thank you. I thanked him profusely for the kind gesture and thoughtful words from the bottom of my heart because nobody, not even girls have ever said those things to me. I am that vulnerable!

Regardless of whether those feelings and expressions are legitimate or real, he could feel my resistance and my fight to keep him from entering my heart. But he has been exceptionally nice and witty about the whole thing.

As two gay friends, we chat about a wide range of things. About 2 weeks ago, the conversation drifted as matter-of-factly to his recent bed arrangements and enjoyable sex dates. As a young homosexual who understands the natural order of how the gay board game is being played, it shouldn't have made me feel anything because technically, that is the freedom and right of a guy who has been comfortably gay for 30 years.

But guess what, I felt a wave of heated tears came over me and felt devastated. "Wait M, what is this? Devastation? Are you jealous? Jealous that he was having fun with other guys despite saying you are special? Or are you jealous of the fact that despite how things are hanging between you two, he is older and having fun while you're young and not?"

"Man, is that a naive thought? You still have so much experience to gain in life. What if he's testing you and your feelings? Wait, does it matter? Why should it?" I was extremely nonchalant about the whole thing and kept up with pretences as if nothing is affecting me. Although, I might have purposely shown him some attitude and distance for the next couple of days. 

He definitely felt something was wrong and tried to mend the cold I initiated. But truth is, I was just being a jealous kid. After a while, I came to my senses and told myself to get over myself. I threw that attitude out the window and resumed being an adult with him again after a couple of days.

Last week, I happened to be really horny while chatting with him on my bed. He was saying all sorts of things to me and for some reason I just told him I was feeling very horny. Without warning, he sent me pictures of his erected penis with pre-cum leaking out from the slit and told me that's how I make him feel. Those were shots, fresh from his work place.

As much as I don't want to get off on an older man's tool, I couldn't help myself and quietly jerked-off looking at the pictures that were on my screen. It didn't feel gross because all I wanted to feel was the strong urge to come while looking at a real man's penis. I came and fell back to earth. After in which my conscious kicked in and I felt my face turn red at the thought of what just happened.

He then told me from the other end that he just masturbated till he came and is now washing up. Then comes the inevitable question, he asked if I did the same and jerked off to him. I gave him my best poker line and said no, but I hope and am glad that he enjoyed himself. He said he did. I told him I needed to sleep and finally bade each other goodnight. I woke up the next day, thinking about what I did.

Sharing is Caring

I remember coming across a very good French website last year while Googling for information on how to cruise in Europe. The site has comprehensive tips, guides and also reviews in regard to online cruising/dating for the year 2012. I recently found the URL again and thought it would be a useful read to share. Be sure to check out their various write-ups and pages.

French Version:
● Rencontres Gay - Les Meilleurs Sites

I also found the twin site written in English: 
● Dating Sites For Gay

Seizing Every Opportunity for Joy

There is a scene from a cooking show, in which the presenter who was preparing some squid to be stir-fried, said to the camera as she was preparing the raw squids:

"What I like most, is the way when you squeeze out the tentacles from inside the squid. Like giving birth to the tentacles..." 

"It shouldn't, give me this much pleasure but it does." 
"Anyway, I think in life you should seize every opportunity for pleasure, and if you can get joy so easily, lucky you!"

Writing Down Feelings Harvested from Work

Work has allowed me to move on a little with life. Sometimes I hear myself think: "If only these corporate bosses knew about your messed up story for the past year and a half, along with the avalanche that is still going on behind this diligent façade, you would have never been hired!"

The plan was to divide myself between a professional environment and taking time to think about my own personal issues and depression. Hence, trying to restore some balance in Beaker R. However, the familiar heavy-hearted moments where I stand under the drizzling rain of my own negative emotions still shows up occasionally. For sometimes, I thought I might have gotten my feelings figured out, and sometimes I haven't.

When work gets demanding, I burst on the inside because my heart is currently not in a space where it can give itself whole-heartedly to something when my real self, the one that really matters is rigidly frozen in frost. I think I haven't been at peace in over a span of 2 years, and that's a long time. In addition to that, I'm still clueless as to what is supposed to happen in regard to my lovelorn feelings for guys.

For example, I previously wasn't aware of the existence of a couple of good-lookers in my building. But for the past month, I have been keeping a headcount and a mental photograph of each one in my head. There is Corporate Team Guy, Cute IT Analysis Guy, Tall Dark Building Maintenance Guy, 4th Level Division Leader, Hot East Asian Team Leader, Hot Alpha Male Guy, Tall Mesmerising Jock etc. 

I do occasionally cross paths with a couple of them and never fail to strike up some form of verbal exchange to get noticed. However most of the time, it's something that comes as quickly as it goes. They make me feel like, my closeted school self again even though we're now in the real world. "How can this be M? How can this be?"

A recent company conference gathered every single one of my eye-candies into a hall. Being in the presence of them, I was feeling the effects of a multitude of feelings a closeted gay guy could experience. It made me feel so lost, and at the same time, excavated this tone of sadness in me I can't explain. 

While the presentation was going on in the background, I couldn't keep my glances off the Tall Mesmerising Jock in which I've been eyeing since I started working. He has amazing black hair, dreamy eyes, porcelain tanned skin and a tall athletic body to match. There he was standing in his sharpest work attire, arms folded, shoulders and back against a wall with his right knee folded outward to resemble a male model pose. Those long legs, smooth black slacks and piano-surface polished shoe. I pictured all the things that could happen between us for rounds. 

I think he noticed my stares. After a while, I just didn't feel like being with people so I made my way back upstairs to my cubicle. As I sat down and continue to distract myself with some work, I felt my nose heat up in pain and I teared up in silence. My mind dislodged itself from the present and I thought about the cold months where I first discovered the Gaybanker, the first time I stepped into a gay bar, the time when I visited the gay sauna. About how the entire trajectory of the one and a half year journey culminated with me being here, now.

I thought about this particular post, and recalled everything that went through me when I wrote that last year. Still the same person? I thought about what my friend once told me, "Maybe you feel that you will never be, or can't ever attain the guy you're attracted to." 

Then I thought to myself: "Maybe you're just being a brat because you realised you're one who has been dealt a horrible deck of cards in which the journey in life to getting what you want hasn't been easy."

Halfway through feeling down and low, my hormones were telling me I want to feel loved. So I made 2 trips to the bathroom within a span of an hour and jerked-off twice to the guys I desired. The sexual release calmed me down exponentially and lifted my mood a little until I went home to bed at night and jerked off another time to sleep. Hopefully being able to face a better tomorrow.