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Friday, 28 June 2013

Meeting An Old Crush Halfway Around the World

During my time in high school, I've had ridiculous amounts of guy fantasies and crushes. If only people even remotely knew what went on in my head for every single slightly good-looking guy I see, I would have been declared an under-age manwhore or a sex addict.

Within my uncontrollable lust for my school mates, there were also exceptional cases where my feelings for certain special guys never died. This particular guy I'm about to recall was my high school class president. I can't remember when the admiration started, but gradually over time I secretly fell in love because he embodied what I'd considered to be an ideal boyfriend within school grounds.

S was academically competent, playful, funny, mature, loyal and a nice guy. On the physical side, he's good-looking, tall, tanned with a toned athletic body to match. He was a very attractive package to me, in mind, in body and in soul. Even though we were in the same class for 2 years, but I never got to know him personally due to his popularity. So we graduated and went our separate ways.

Back in 2011, I did some travelling on my own and happened to spend some time in a very special city that changed the course of my life. It was the city where an unexpected conversation with a gay man named R spurred me on to have the courage to confront my own homosexuality.

Coincidentally, this city also happens to be where my former class president was currently residing. It's been 6 years since we left school, but I took the initiative to contact him for a meet up in the spirit of courtesy and curiosity for how he's doing. S was very receptive to my email and responded positively that we should meet.

When the details were decided, I waited for him at the ground floor of his office building on a Tuesday evening. I would be lying if I said I wasn't in any way nervous or anxious or starting to feel inferior in some way. He came up behind me and we shook hands, giving each other a hug and firm pat on the back. 

Man, he still looked so good. I felt so jealous wishing I had some of his genes. At that point, I was resisting the urge to pull him towards me, smell his neck and kiss him passionately like a long lost lover. Hey there stranger! I've missed you so much!! I'm here. We're here! Do you miss us? 

"Hey M, how are you?", asked S as he startled me back to reality. I couldn't believe we were standing beside each other on a pavement halfway around the world, thousands of miles away from our original home. We started walking towards a nearby subway station as we talked about our individual journeys that culminated with us meeting here. By chance or by fate, he was lucky enough to have found a job here in this bustling metropolis of amazing opportunities. It seems as if he really worked hard in the midst of all the cards turning out right for him. I was envious but at the same time, wasn't surprised that his luck in life brought him this far.

He asked me if his girlfriend could join us for dinner and I was very receptive to the idea of meeting her. We all sat down for East Asian cuisine and she turned out to be very funny and interesting. I was a fan of her instantly. I liked her character so much that I comprehended how lucky she was to have him as a boyfriend and how they both complimented each other.

They each had an amazing career in this cosmopolitan city of dreams. They shared an apartment together and a dog. S himself was self-assured and confident. A good-looking guy with the smarts and the luck. The vibe I got was that he was already well on his way to building a stable adult life together with his girl even before hitting 25. Life seemed so promising on their side, which worried me even more as to how my life is going to turn out at the rate it was going.

At that point, I felt like a bankrupted person in mind and at heart whenever S strikes up a conversation about me. The fact that I was already feeling so inferior and in envious of their position in life, I could never bring myself to let them or anybody else know about my ongoing struggles. That, behind this friendly façade I projected when I was with them and in between discovering the city as a traveller, I was hiding immense pain. My depression, my examination failure, my homosexuality, my coming-out, my conversation with R, my walking into a gay bar for the first time, my sense of self-worth, self-loathing etc

Looking at S, I couldn't help but feel left out. He was my crush, my high school class president, the guy I once thought I could see myself civil-partnering. I think subconsciously, I had a thought that if he was straight and that I couldn't be with him, I would at least be as successful as him. Whatever it is, seeing S in the flesh again after 6 years of absence felt very pleasant. I am genuinely happy for him and have confidence that he will grow on to bigger success and happiness. Because that's how you feel for people you sincerely have a soft spot for.

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

The Only Thing Worse Than Being Blind

"The only thing worse than being blind, is having sight and no vision." - Unknown

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

A Story About Meeting Me Halfway

After Nancy's business failed, she found herself in serious financial trouble. Desperately, she prayed to God to let her win the lotto so that she could save her house. But somebody else hit the jackpot on lotto night. This continued for some time and Nancy lost her house and car as well. Her children were starving. Again she desperately prayed that she should win the lotto. 

Suddenly, there was a bright flash in the sky. Nancy hear God's voice "Meet me halfway on this. Buy a lotto ticket."

Copyrighted story is found in a book titled How Full Is Your Cup by Insight Publishers.

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Dangerous Fun in the Office Toilet

Within the week of M² telling me it's complicated, he has also been sending me extreme let's-go-to-the-restroom signals every time we see each other. It's very tempting, but I was partially holding a grudge over the fact that he wasn't willing to meet me halfway. I would smile at him and then shift my focus back to the computer screen. That'll teach him a lesson that words mean business to me!

What irks me even more, was the fact that his signals are now even more obvious after he overheard my boss mentioning to everyone that my attachment with the company will soon end and I will move on to wherever life takes me.

One Friday after work, I caught M² lingering back and forth along the corridor leading up to the restroom as I waited patiently for the elevator. His signals for me to follow him into the restroom were very conspicuous, but for some reason I didn't give in. I think my sense of self worth at that time was high enough to give me an ego boost. 

However when I went home, I heard myself thought in regret: "Okay M, let's get real. You walked away. Where else and when are you ever going to get another opportunity to have fun like this? Rather than sulk over his attitude, why can't we turn this situation to our advantage and treat it like field practice to commit more sexual blunders that will contribute to you being a better lover for somebody who deserves it in the future?"

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ]

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

The Story About "Who Am I?"

The Wemmicks were small wooden people, carved by a woodworker named Eli. Every Wemmick looked different. But they did the same thing all day. They gave each other stickers. The talented and pretty ones always got stars. But the Wemmicks with rough surfaces and chipped paint got dots, which meant they were no good.

Punchinello always got dots even though he tried hard to earn stars. Soon he started believing he was a no-good Wemmick. One day he met a Wemmick called Lulia with no dots or stars. It wasn't that other Wemmicks didn't try to give her stickers; it was just that the sticker did not stick on her. Punchinello was curious to know how this was possible and Lulia asked him to meet Eli.

Punchinello felt very happy in Eli's company. "Don't worry about your dots," Eli said. "After all, they are given by fellow Wemmicks. But you are special to me because I made you."

"But why don't stickers stick on Lulia," he asked. 

"Because the stickers only stick if you let them!" Punchinello thought "I think Eli really means it." And at tat moment a dot fell to the ground. Soon he had no stickers sticking to him and he felt good deep within.

How much does one get carried away by what others think of them? What holds you from accepting yourself as you are deep within?

This copyrighted story is found in a book titled How Full Is Your Cup by Insight Publishers.

Saturday, 8 June 2013

He Says It's Too Complicated

After the unexpected fun I had with the Irish Department Head a couple weeks back, M² and I resumed the same role and distance we've always had in the office. Within the same week after our sexual encounter, I couldn't shed the feeling of being shy and embarrassed to look at him in the eye whenever he comes up to my level for meetings.

It took me a while to get over the awkward feeling and just let my adult self acknowledge this side of life I now have to start getting comfortable with. "Yeah you blew him!", I teased myself from the back of my head. Later on, I managed to track down his personal number discreetly and texted him mine to see if he would be open to responding. There was no reply and I stayed down.

I once bumped into him in the restroom as he entered. We were both surprised and gave each other a big "Hey" as we reached out to embrace in an almost sexually playful manner. Unfortunately, somebody else came in and we rebutted flawlessly in one smooth move.

Throughout the ensuing weeks whenever he came up to my floor, I acted cool and uninterested even though he's always checking me out or taunting me with his presence. For example, when I'm having a laugh with my team mate, he would suddenly go "What's so funny?" or "What are you laughing at?" He would also sometimes speak loudly or enunciate sentences while talking to his people in front of me in order to make his presence known when I'm lost in my work. Jeez, is that really necessary?

Once I was enjoying a bar of Toblerone and he yelled "chocolate!" to get my attention as he walked past my cubicle and looked me in the eye with a grin. I smiled politely in return, but my inner insecure self rolled its eyes and went whatever! Can't even reply a simple text message like a real man? Choc-co-late. How dare he. Please.

Last week, I was feeling horny and decided to send him obvious signs by gazing at him. I would also make sure he sees the snack-hungry way I look at his arms and chest before slowly and conveniently walking away. I went into the restroom, chose the handicapped cubicle and decided to wait with the door close. As anticipated, somebody entered to take a leak. I quietly peeked through the bottom gap and recognised his shoes in front of one of the urinals.

I opened the door and he realised somebody was looking, he turned around, saw me and gave me a fake smile. I just stood there with the door open and waited for him with plenty of eye-contact like how I did the first time with him at the mall. I signalled for him to enter, but he shook his head repeatedly in disagreement while looking at my pants. When he was done, he came to the entrance of the cubicle and started feeling up my waist, my chest and my underwear without wanting to enter.

I knew he was playing some sort of game so I tried persistently to pull him into the cubicle before somebody else walks in, he refused. At the thought that I might not have texted the right number, I asked for his contact once again and if he would rather take this forbidden fun of ours outside the office and he said no it's too complicated.

The thing is he kept saying no, but yet he was already fidgeting with my pants, trying to unbuckle it. I was so turned on, I gave in and unbuckled it myself to reveal my tool. He took a deep breath in expression of irresistibility and continued to fondle me while playing with my prick for a good 10 minutes. I tried to get him to come into the cubicle again but he remained firm. What the fuck is his problem? Is he enjoying this thrill of being caught? It's been 10 minutes and somebody could now walk in any second!

We heard a couple of footsteps along the corridor of the restroom and he instantly stopped but remained still. He stood there looking at me and my bulging underwear as I pushed my tool back into its fabric den but didn't buckle up. Once again, he inhaled deeply and shook his head in awe disbelief. 

After about a minute or two, I decided to buckle up and we stood side by side at the sink to wash out own hands while he maintained uninterrupted eye-contact on my crotch. I was a little confused as to what is happening between us. He said no to us having fun, but yet his actions were totally contradicting what he was saying. Is he pulling my leg? What does this mean? I am so confused. Is this the kind of twisted mind game he wants to engage me in?

Being the persistent person that I am, I requested for a pen to give him my number so that we can take this somewhere else and he said he actually had it all along. I questioned his sense of courtesy in not replying my previous text message and he said no it's just too complicated. I reassured him that what I'm feeling here is just purely sex and nothing more. Still, he remained firm in his decision, but yet he was telling me that "This wants to go in there" as he pointed from his dick to my ass. "Christ, how is that possible if you don't meet me halfway?!"

We were now standing behind the entrance of the restroom door and whispering to each other like boyfriends in discreet argument. He resumed to fondle the concealed erection in my pants as he took my right hand and caressed his very own bulging package. This moment of weakness is dangerously distracted me from the fact that people could just walk in on us any time now and there will be no excuse in the world to justify this. I pressed my hand up against the door to give us a little bit more time to revel in each other's touch. 

After a while, I came to my senses that I really didn't want to compromise my dignity for this guy who doesn't want to meet me halfway. So I decided to respect not only his decision, but also my sense of self-worth and wanted to walk away from this. He looked at me with eyes wide open and said: "You can't go outside with that!" as he pointed to my firm erection. I said I'll manage.

Suddenly, my colleague pushed the damn door open and entered the bathroom. Fortunately M² and I were already preparing to leave as I gave the guy that came in a loud friendly coincidental hey-how's-it-going-with-you-bro greeting and walked out.

Friday, 7 June 2013

People Wait...

Today I saw something that hit me, and it read:

"People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, all life for happiness."

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Destiny In A Tossed Coin

Here's a little something I read that makes me rethink the concept of destiny. The story is found in a book titled How Full Is Your Cup by Insight Publishers.

The Japanese General Nabunaga decided to attack even though he had only one soldier to the enemy's ten. He was sure he would win but his soldiers were full of fear.

On the way to the battlefield they stopped at a Shinto shrine. Nabunaga said to his army, "I shall now toss a coin. If it is heads, we shall win. If tails, we lose. Destiny will now reveal itself." He tossed the coin. It was heads.

The soldiers were so keyed up for the fight that they wiped out the enemy. Next day an aide said to Nabunaga, "No one can change destiny."

"Right," replied the General, showing him a coin that had heads on both sides.

How much does one believe in oneself? Who decides one's destiny?