My First Daunting Time to a Gay Bar Alone

Thought I should write about my first experience to a gay bar. Travelling alone definitely gives you the space for self-discovery, flexibility and independence. And one of the perks that comes with travelling in a big city, is anonymity. Last year, following my "wake-up" conversation with R, my head was bursting with thoughts and I decided to do some research before I went to bed. I noted down some bars that seemed ideal, and kept it in my pocket. The next day, with the information and map in my pocket, I would have the whole day to contemplate about it as I did other touristy stuff. For some reason, while walking in the park, visiting the museums and sights, I was constantly looking at my watch and am always aware of the time of the day. Then dinner came and after grabbing a quick meal, I begin my long walk towards the address. 

As I walk, I remember thinking to myself:

"It's ok, it's still quite a walk away, 25 blocks."

"Nevermind, there's still 10 blocks." 

"Ok, there's still 5 blocks and a left turn across 2 avenues."

With every step that I took, I felt even more nervous, depress, foolish and scared because I was about to do something I never thought I'd do in my life. I previously mentioned that I refuse to go anywhere near gay venues for fear of being associated and outed while my internalised homophobia was in full swing. This time, part of the thing that spurred me to go ahead was my prospective regret as I contemplated on both the feeling of going to bed that night feeling courageous, or for once again having chickened out. I knew immediately I would have regretted the latter. At that moment, I really wished I could skip having to go through those daunting hours and jump straight to my future self in bed when I finally know how things went. Feeling anxious, I finally convinced myself that for the next few moments, I am not me. I am nobody and I am anonymous.  

So I arrived. However it wasn't easy as I found myself walking the entire length of the street, back and forth for about 5 times before I actually picked up the courage to make a right turn and go in. My goal was to at least walk in, make a circle and walk out. It would be better than nothing. At a moment of spontaneity, I bit the bullet, showed my ID at the front and finally entered. Immediately, all eyes darted to the entrance as I entered. I felt so awkward, vulnerable and shy.

Then, I found myself thinking:

"Wow I'm in. I did it! Let's stay for a drink. After all, you've come this far already and you're finally in here." 

Remaining neutral, I went to the bar, ordered a drink and sat at a corner table. My eyes surveyed the scene as I try to let it all sink in. Being there alone, I couldn't help but feel awkwardly pathetic and lonely as seconds definitely felt like minutes. But I didn't care because the most important thing was that I'm now finally seeing the inside of a gay bar. After about 35 minutes, I finished my drink, took a deep breath and a good last look around and walked out. Back on the street, I couldn't stop smiling because I was very happy with myself for overcoming a lot of barriers. I knew there will be many more tougher things to come after this, but from closeted denial to gay bar in 48 hours, it was already a big enough step for me. 

Going to a gay bar alone for the very first time is no doubt anxiously daunting. But there's always a first time for everything and I'm glad I made myself go through it. I stayed for a drink even when I was supposed to make a circle and walk out. Therefore I gave myself a mental pat on the back for having been so courageous in overcoming my own expectations.

[This post shall be dedicated to future readers who might find themselves at similar crossroads of self-discovery. May this story help shed some light and inspire you to have courage.]