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Saturday, 10 March 2012

I Can't Have Beautiful Things

I live in a city inhabited by beautiful peopleIn fact, beautiful citizens of other countries move here in search of change and sophistication; with hopes of establishing an alternate life for themselves in this dream city. Therefore my circle of friends and acquaintances is inevitably composed of highly attractive guys and girls. I previously mentioned that attractive people although make good eye-candies, but they also continue to remind me about how depressed I am. Already suffering from diffidence, insecurities and low-self esteem, I obviously felt the self-conscious pinch whenever we hung out. The feeling of being ugly, has always been one of my issues while growing up. However, until this very day, never would I thought I'd carry this with me abroad, to a world now so much bigger than my high school compound and sports field. In addition of having recently came out to myself, I have never felt so vulnerable and insecure in my life; something that I painfully conceal with a fake smile.

Within my current circle of attractive friends, I have been paying attention to a guy named J. J is in the acting field, therefore I've seen him around in school due to his strikingly youthful good-looks. Recently amongst other friends, we hung out more often and I discovered more about his life. J is funny with a cute soul and I like him. Unfortunately as probability goes, he is just unmistakably straight. I have been thinking of ways in which I can show more interest, but it's just not possible without it being pointless and awkward. Hence, I can only think about him in my own time as I try to get over the built-up infatuation.

Speaking of which for the past 3 weeks, I've been exchanging glances with a beautiful girl in my class called C. At the beginning, I refuse to believe the glances were anything, until it happened on one too many occasions that it's just hard to take it as nothing. For some reason, I am very drawn to her and she too reciprocates my gestures. C frequently comes into my thoughts as I was impressed to discover an adaptable, lovingly humourous, worldly, optimistic and benevolent character behind that attractive face as she slowly joins our circle of friends. As we spend more time together, we equally flirt and hug. She is deep and would be the type of girlfriend I'd have if I wasn't gay. I am frustrated because my strong desires to pursue her is completely knocked down by the fact that I'm still having issues with myself and am struggling with my sexuality. Therefore nothing is ever going to happen. 

In other words, I am no where close to experiencing things with guys, neither is it possible for anything to happen with the girls that come into contact. I feel so numb, depressed and frustrated as I really don't know what the fuck I can do to change myself or my luck in life. I really don't want to be unhappy, but I can't help but feel hopelessly depress at this moment...

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