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Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Mail: I Don't Want People to be Right by Coming-Out

There was a comment at the end of the post 'Are We Still Living In The Shame?' in which a young anonymous reader said:

His Comment:
"I was teased a lot about acting gay at school as well as by my siblings but I always denied it. Now I feel like coming out means that I'm proving that everyone was right, that they knew more about me than I did about myself. I guess deep down I'm still ashamed of actually being gay even though I've come to accept it."

#  #  #

My Thoughts:
When I saw the exact phrases above, I could relate to my deepest core of what this guy is expressing. I've previously mentioned about my being in a glass closet and how it all seemed to tie in with my awkward days in school. From fear to denial, I too struggle with the very idea and will, of "not wanting people to be right"Part of the real reason why it took me so long to come to terms with myself, is because I didn't want people to be right.

Within the past 2 years of trying to free myself, I just couldn't make peace with the fact that coming-out will only prove that those people saw right through me and punched me in the face before I could grasp the bigger picture and accept what being different really means. So how am I coping and what do I tell myself?

The straightforward answer as to why people react the way they do is simply because, they canIt is very easy for those who aren't burdened with shortcomings and issues, to target the minority whom are. Because no matter the amount of sunrises and sunsets, the reality is that these people will never wake up to a day whereby they'll have to deal with the hardships and discrimination of what a handful of others such as yourself, have to go through. They just don't. And that my friend, is the mortal world that we live in.

Society will never truly understand the journey you have gone through and will have to go through because it is not in the nature of the world to think from the shoes of others. So what shall we do if we can't change people in order to change the situation? 

Human attraction, much like sexual orientation is by nature beyond our control and the more I think about it, the more I feel so foolish allowing the outside world to debase me over something that I personally didn't play a part in formulating in the first place. It's all human nature! Once you realise this, it is important to then raise yourself above it all, so that you can free yourself from the shame and the inadequacy you've been carrying over something that wasn't even your fault to begin with. Now the world doesn't have to understand that because they never will, but as long as you do, you will be free

The other thing is that the existence of our universe is truly based upon the concept of yin and yang, whereby black can never exist without white, one never without the other. In life, there are the people who are constantly just waiting for us to trip in order to prove them right. But never forget that there are also those who will stop at nothing to ensure the wellness of our being because they love us and we are cherished. 

A prominent figure once said that it's crucial to surround yourself in the company of people who only wants the best for you. Hence it is very important to distinguish who they are and allow yourself to be transparent with them. For the loyal support of those whom you truly carry in your heart, and in knowing that they're not going anywhere, is definitely one of the most lovingly secure feeling in the world that can help you break free, of living in the fear of others.

I am not the world's most secure and intelligent coming-outer, but I sincerely do hope that these written paragraphs might help guys out there who could relate to this story, feel better about themselves both emotionally and mentally in order to move forward in life. Here's a recent post I wrote in commemoration of an inspiring interview about living in fear.

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

A Little Something About "Living In Fear"

Television has taught me more about life than any other forms of media I've been exposed to as a kid. I remember watching this one particular coming-out interview of a famous person a couple years back, knowing in my heart that I was doomed because I am a secret gay myself. What worsened the guilt was the fact that my mother was just sitting right next to me.

At that time, I couldn't comprehend how this famous guy could come-out. How could you tell the world your biggest secret and yet not feel humiliatingly mortified after? The concept was all very foreign to me and I remember the cold alienating silence that came with thinking to myself: "No way I would ever come out. No! It'll be chaos and the end! I'm going to have to let this bomb die with me."

I recently re-watched the same interview, however no longer the same fearful boy from the couch but rather a more courageous person in 2013, writing down thoughtful excerpts from the interview here.

"One of the things you say in your memoir is that the constant bombardment of the gay question, actually pushed you further away from the truth."

"Cause it was treated in a very scandalous way..." 


"And people were mocking... my sexuality and I was like... I don't wanna be 'that'! Is 'that' me? I totally wanna reject myself and you know what, I think I hate myself."

"And that's where you go, those are the thoughts that you go. That's why I must insist, when someone is not ready, we must not try to force that person to come-outRight now we're dealing with people that are being bullied, because they are gay and now we're dealing with people that are committing suicide, because they're forced to come-out. And that is horrible."

"You're ready, whenever you're ready. You have to go through a process, you have to go through a very spiritual process in order for you to accept yourself and then..."
"And then it feels amazing when you do so!"

Interviewer: [turning the pages]
"You say such a beautiful thing in this book (memoir) about, living in fear. What did you learn from this whole process about living in fear?"

"That it's all in your head."

"That... "
"If you allow your emotions of uncertainty seduce you, if you allow... people's thoughts or insecurities become part of... feed your insecurities, thats it. You just have to get rid of fear and confront the world. Look at yourself in the mirror, and say to yourself: 'I love you and nothing will destroy you and you're not gonna fall."

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Reflections On A Motorcycle Journey

It's been more than a decade since I last took a ride on a motorcycle. Today, while having some work business to attend to, I was required to travel on my team partner's scooter due to the lack of a better transport.

I've never mentioned my colleague before so let me talk a little bit about him. Within the same week of me being sexually hungry at the mall, all I could think of at work was sex and making out with a guy. I believe it was a Friday when he wore a slim-fitted T-shirt, and I laid eyes on his athletic biceps for the first time. They weren't exactly guns, but they certainly look very tan and appetising. In fact, I was heavily distracted.

I remember working alongside him that day and all I wanted to do, was tell him to come take a break with me in the pantry and let me feel his arms up with my hands and mouth. My team partner is not what I would perceive as attractive even though he's tall but he has a very diffusive straight-guy charm and a pleasant personality that puts him on a shining pedestal higher than many.

One day, I completely zoned out into an erotic coma when he was just wearing his socks and slipping on his shoes right next to me. I wanted to kiss his instep and slowly glide right up to his crotch, his abs, his chest, his biceps and finally, his lips. There was nothing I could do to stop these sexual thoughts from encroaching into my conscious mind.

So coming back to today, it was a little daunting forgetting how to find my balance on a motorcycle. My colleague then told me to hold on to him for support in order to let myself feel more comfortable. And just like grabbing a cereal box with both hands, I held on to his biceps. I felt them move at his control and they were firm and hard. After about 5 minutes into the journey, I finally found my balance and let go.

The wind, the sound of vehicles, the smell of traffic and the vibratory movement. During my ride with him, many things crossed my mind and I had a surreal tribal council moment with myself in my head. With my team partner's broad shoulders staring back at me, I thought about how I came to be this boy M, who not only feels awkwardly out of place every time when it comes to being with guys, but who also develop all sorts of incomprehensible emotions towards them. Be it lust, be it idolisation, be it admiration, be it affection.

I thought to myself:
"What is this?" What was nature's deal that made me who I am this way? Am I afraid that these guys will see right through me or am I just protecting my fragile self? Is it really the absence of paternal affection, a father figure, a male role model in my life that gave rise to my situation today? How did I end up being different? Am I such an insecure soul that I allowed my extreme idolisation for guys while growing up, turn into wanting to be bonded with a man? How did I become such a, for lack of a better word, "weirdo"?

I drifted in similar thoughts throughout the day and finally, here I am 10 hours later, writing this down before going to bed as I dream of a better tomorrow.

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Are We Still Living In The Shame Of Our Past?

Here's a famous story that taught me a great lesson in life about living in shame.

In 1963, a single mother of two gave her youngest baby up for adoption at the hospital immediately after birth without telling anyone. 48 years later after searching long and hard, that very same baby successfully traced her family origins and was reunited with her elder sister. Their birth mother, after having turned down the abandoned daughter's earlier request over the years for reunification, found it extremely hard to acknowledge that very same baby with open arms. The elder sister then said this on a television interview with her new found younger sister...

Elder Sister:
"I had an epiphany after leaving my mother's house with you that day. And the epiphany was that our mother, is still stuck in 1963. She is still of the same mindset of 1963, and is still carrying 'the shame' that would have been put upon her in 1963. And therefore she hasn't been able to release herself, to fully embrace you, and embrace this miracle reunion that has happened in our family."

"So I would like to say to our mother, you can let that go. You can let the shame go. It's really all right. There are millions of people all over the country who are just like you." 

"That's what I felt... is that she was holding on to the shame because she's still worried about what everybody is going to think about her. And so... that was the epiphany that I had."

"And I also had another epiphany. And the epiphany was... When I was 14 years old, I became pregnant, and that was MY BIG secret. I've been sexually abused since I was 9, became pregnant at 14 years old. The baby however was never born. A couple of years back, another family member exposed this secret to the world. And that caused a big rift between this person and I because she sold me out to the tabloids."

[Tears of emotion...]

"When I left our mother's house the other day... For the first time, I realised that that was a gift to me. That the exposure of my secret... was a gift because it released me from the shame, that my mother still carries today. And I thought, had that person not done that, I would still be exactly where my mother is, stuck in the shame. So freedom to all... Freedom to all."

After hearing this story, a light bulb went off in me and I immediately understood why I'm still struggling hard to fully embrace everything that I am and my being gay. It is perhaps I still have not released myself from the shame of my past and my sexuality that I've been carrying since I was in school. My mindset is still stuck in the past, living in shame and fear over something that I didn't plan for.

So I asked myself a very important question today, and that is: Do I still want to continue living in the shame, or is it truly time to free myself and let the shame go?

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Cruising and Fishing Again Without Expectations

Just a little update about what I've been up to for the past 3 weeks. I previously wrote about my failed attempts at online cruising and how things weren't going so well for me. Last month, I decided to revamp and create a fresh new online dating profile in order to take cruising and meeting guys more seriously. I've also downloaded mobile cruising apps such as Grindr and Jack'd to expand my reach.

Ever since I came home from abroad about a year ago, I've completely lost the momentum in pushing myself towards gay experiences that will help me get comfortable with my sexuality. Being stuck in an environment where I don't get to openly develop this aspect of myself, I am a little bummed.

I told myself that if anything new were to come into my life, it must first need a concrete avenue in which it can come to me. Common sense along with the principle of the Law of Attraction tells me that I can think and wish all I want, but if I don't attach any action to my thoughts, nothing is going to happen.

Apart from deciding to give online cruising another go, I'm also changing my attitude towards how I view and approach this after a year of trial and error. I'm going to think of it as an act of unleashing a couple of fishing rods into the endless internet ocean in order for possible connections to come by the wind of a higher power, fate or luck. The hardest part is trying not to have any expectations when I do this.

Filling out the standard columns such as height, weight, eye colour, penis size, ethnicity, role etc took the longest time because that dug out the deepest sense of insecurity in myself. It felt as if my birth-given ticket number, has already sealed my fate and hierarchy in the gay world.

I practically spent the next few days cruising the online ocean with my fishing rod, leaving it logged on even when I went to bed because in addition to wanting a comprehensive gauge of the market, I'm also investing a week's worth of holiday into resuscitating this much-needed past time to better benefit myself. Who knew chatting guys up could take so much time and effort which, can sometimes get very pointless and exhausting. 

So for the past week, I have been in touch and did make friends with a couple of guys in hopes that I'll have some new adventures to write about, but so far nothing has yet to materialise. Maybe I really can't force things, and will just have to let it come when it comes?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Just Be Here, Be Now

One of the most important things I've been trying to get myself to do, is learning how to live in the present. Throughout the years, I've grown into someone who not only holds on incessantly to my past, but have also roped in my hopes and worries for the future into the present.

Then, a recent interview of a very famous humanitarian on CNN got me thinking about myself. The question to the answer that left me with a sense of realisation was: "What is it you do best?". In which the interviewee then said:

"The thing that I strive to do best, is be here, be now. Right here, right now. With you." 

"The reason why we've had such a good time (throughout this interview), is cause I'm not thinking about-, somebody else is, but I'm not thinking about how much time do we have left and how many questions you're gonna have, and what are you gonna ask me... "

 "Just be here, be nowSo that I can enjoy this experience."

"And so, I don't have a lot of umm... I don't live in the past, I don't carry the past into this moment because after years of paying attention to the people around me, how they live their lives and what the experts had to say... I've learnt how not to do that."

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

If There Are No Ups And Downs In Your Life

For many years now, the fragile part of myself has trouble making peace with the unpredictable roller coaster ride that comes with life. Then I stumbled upon a quote today along with a mind-liberating image that read:

"If there are no ups and downs in your life, it means you are dead."

Sunday, 3 February 2013

Sexually Hungry At The Mall

A close friend and I were spending a couple of hours at the mall the other day when she decided to walk into a clothing store. With every step that we took towards the entrance, my eyes detected the far presence of 3 attractive jocks in the shop. They were all tall and good-looking with an amazing athletic built. 

The first guy was browsing through the same rack as us and standing right next to him brought out the familiar stench of insecurity in me. His other 2 siblings were each hotter than he was and with each one that I checked out, the insecure hormonal creature in me was desperately heating up at the thought of embracing the hottest sibling tightly from the back and committing some severe sexual offence. I want to pin him tight against a wall, run my nose and lips all over his cheek and force myself on hi-

My Friend: [smiling]
"Let me know when you're done fantasising about the eye candies and we can go."

[In My Head]
What? Wait, how does she kn-

"Fine. Okay let's go. Now."
"The longer we stay here the more unattractive I feel anyway."

My Friend: [trailing behind]
"Oh we can go? Wait up!"

About 5 minutes into moving on, instincts told me to turn my head back for a glance and there it was. Another cute attractive guy, walking behind us. I looked at my friend and mouthed the words: "Eye-Candy!". As he picked up the pace and overtook us on my right, my eyes caressed every single part of him and his formal attire. From his short black hair to his tanned neck, from the back of his tight-fitted work shirt and slacks right down to his polished leather shoes.

I had an instant boner that created a huge tent in my own trousers. I stopped walking and told my friend the uncomfortable dilemma that was growing inside. She immediately gave me the shopping bag containing her purchase to casually cover up my front while we waited for 'junior' to subside. It was an embarrassing moment but thankfully she was somebody who understood my frustration for sex.

Later on, we bumped into him again sitting at a lounge. There was an awkward exchange of eye-contact because he recognised us from the way we were noticing him. He knew he was cute. All I wanted to do right then and there, was take him against a wall and just have him as a gratifying snack before dinner. That whatever the deal was between the two of us, should be settled not only like a man, but man on man!

I don't know what's gotten into me this week, but I think my frustrating libido and psychotic hunger for sex is slowly clawing its way back into my conscious mind and body.

Saturday, 2 February 2013

Men's Health Magazines and Closeted Memories

Someone in my household decided to do some spring cleaning today and miraculously uncovered a huge box filled with magazines I've kept since I was a teen. The monochromatic front covers of ripped male models and virile men will tell you that these magazines were pre-eminently 7 year old editions of Men's Health

As a closeted gay teenager, owning a copy of Men's Health used to be one of my guilty pleasures in life. One because I was in lust with the topless athletic cover models and feature write-ups on some of the hot guys. My purchase of a month's edition depended greatly, if not entirely on the 'selling factor' of the cover models themselves.

Two was because I was highly motivated by the many 'short-cut-to-amazing-abs' and 'miracle chest' work out plans to transform myself into something with a bit more confidence. Back then, I harboured this discreet plan to work out silently on the side in hopes of rivalling my schoolmates and gradually gain some attention. But sadly, this fantasy of mine never materialised.

It's been 7 years, and holding these magazines in my hand inevitably brings back memories of how I felt during those times. I clearly remember how although these journals provided me with a visual outlet for my homosexual fantasies, but yet deep down inside, I worry incessantly about how I was ever going to get myself out of this "wrong", "filthy" habit of fantasising about masculinity.

In addition to that, I was a scrawny awkward boy who felt so out of place, staring inadequately into the pages of Men's HealthI wanted nothing more than to outgrow myself into an attractive young adult. For the magazines themselves painted a perfect picture of what I desperately wanted to happen for me, along with my unconscious desires of idolising another man. I obviously at that age, couldn't decipher what all these confused sentiments meant.

I had the intention of throwing these magazines out at the thought of not wanting to turn into a hoarder. But somehow, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. These magazines may have been sequestered away in a box, but they continue to excavate feelings out of me until this very day. They remind me very much of the time that has passed and the distance I've come. Therefore I'm keeping them with me for a little while longer. Perhaps now is really the time to put those specific work out articles to good use.