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Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Am I In A Glass Closet?

Even though I use the term "closeted" or "not out", but I'm starting to realise that people are not blind. This makes me wonder if I'm actually in a glass closet.

Today, I finally talked about my sexuality with my current house mate and confidant. There were many occasions over the years whereby she indirectly hinted for me to talk about it, but I avoided the subject each time for I wasn't ready. But this time over a meal, our conversation somehow drifted to dating and relationships and she proceeded to ask if I am a person who knows what I want. Considering how she could smell these things and I no longer want to deny it either, I finally told her I've been paying a lot of attention to guys and I'm afraid.

Although it felt surprisingly natural to tell her, but yet throughout those moments and after, I felt uncomfortably weak, empty, vulnerable and insecure. A more accurate description to that feeling, would be: it felt like somebody robbed me of my internal organs and looked me in the eyeWhich explains why coming out is just so indescribably hard and painful for many of us. However, the one thing I am very grateful for was the zero judgement and absolute normality she displayed during the conversation, like sexuality is not a big deal and it's something natural that happens to people in life. 

I've always had a feeling that this particular friend knew all along and asked how long has it been? She said she instinctively felt it when we met for the first time a few years back when I was still 19 and "seemingly asexual". Despite my confusion, she always knew that eventually I would discover boys. That last phrase of hers immediately reminded me of one of my close friend from high school who once told me that despite my "denial" and "confused" phase, she always knew where I was heading.

This made me analyse my situation on a larger scale and wondered if I might have actually been in a glass closet all along. Although there were many occasions in which people have no problem passing me off as straight, but there are also times where no matter how normal I project myself to be, a certain people could still pick it up. I recently hung out with a group of friends where 2 of the guys were openly gay. Even though I was very normal, but throughout the evening, I pondered incessantly if they could smell me out. The sudden feeling of not knowing what others already know sometimes scares me.

While riding the métro home with her, I drowned in my thoughts as I watch the world pass me by. It really started to sink in that my life is falling apart, and that I'm currently not the young adult I dreamt to be when I was much younger and naively optimistic. I am bitterly disappointed to realise now, at this moment, that I'm probably never going to turn out how I imagined myself to be. In fact, all that I was afraid to be, seems to catch up with me and conveniently fall into place which is dampening my optimism for the future. It hit me too that I must have done something bad in my past life to feel the inadequacy of this. Why else would I be this way?


  1. Hi there... newish reader of your blog here and I just wanted to comment on the last bit of this post.
    Im kinda in a similar situation to yourself, maybe not completely but still with that nagging sense of disappointment that my life really hasnt turned out how i thought it would. Its taken me a while to realise that isnt a bad thing.
    Life sometimes sucks, cliche as it might be to say, you might not turn out how you imagined, things might not go the way that you want but your life is YOUR life and you can create it to be whatever you want it to be. You are still young and things can, and will, get better.

  2. Dear Paul,

    I just started this blog as an outlet for my thoughts, didn't think anyone would actually read it in detail but thank you so much for the encouragement. Hopefully things will get better as you say, for all of us.

  3. No worries, i have written my fair share of blogs in the past as a way to work through things and even if they are not read and commented apon it helps... Just know that I will be reading, and things will work out.
    Take care.

  4. Not quite sure if this will make you feel better, (I realize it is quite late) but I felt I should share my favorite poem.

    The prison is made of ice, and it melts in the spring.
    The castle is made of clay, and it will crumble in time.
    Yoko Ono.

    Just food for thought.

    1. Hey there, the poem actually makes a lot of sense! Thank you for that!