Am I In A Glass Closet?

Even though I use the term "closeted" or "not out", but I'm starting to realise that people are not blind. This makes me wonder if I'm actually in a glass closet.

Today, I finally talked about my sexuality with my current house mate and confidant. There were many occasions over the years whereby she indirectly hinted for me to talk about it, but I avoided the subject each time for I wasn't ready. But this time over a meal, our conversation somehow drifted to dating and relationships and she proceeded to ask if I am a person who knows what I want. Considering how she could smell these things and I no longer want to deny it either, I finally told her I've been paying a lot of attention to guys and I'm afraid.

Although it felt surprisingly natural to tell her, but yet throughout those moments and after, I felt uncomfortably weak, empty, vulnerable and insecure. A more accurate description to that feeling, would be: it felt like somebody robbed me of my internal organs and looked me in the eye. Which explains why coming out is just so indescribably hard and painful for many of us. However, the one thing I am very grateful for was the zero judgement and absolute normality she displayed during the conversation, like sexuality is not a big deal and it's something natural that happens to people in life. 

I've always had a feeling that this particular friend knew all along and asked how long has it been? She said she instinctively felt it when we met for the first time a few years back when I was still 19 and "seemingly asexual". Despite my confusion, she always knew that eventually I would discover boys. That last phrase of hers immediately reminded me of one of my close friend from high school who once told me that despite my "denial" and "confused" phase, she always knew where I was heading.

This made me analyse my situation on a larger scale and wondered if I might have actually been in a glass closet all along. Although there were many occasions in which people have no problem passing me off as straight, but there are also times where no matter how normal I project myself to be, a certain people could still pick it up. I recently hung out with a group of friends where 2 of the guys were openly gay. Even though I was very normal, but throughout the evening, I pondered incessantly if they could smell me out. The sudden feeling of not knowing what others already know sometimes scares me.

While riding the métro home with her, I drowned in my thoughts as I watch the world pass me by. It really started to sink in that my life is falling apart, and that I'm currently not the young adult I dreamt to be when I was much younger and naively optimistic. I am bitterly disappointed to realise now, at this moment, that I'm probably never going to turn out how I imagined myself to be. In fact, all that I was afraid to be, seems to catch up with me and conveniently fall into place which is dampening my optimism for the future. It hit me too that I must have done something bad in my past life to feel the inadequacy of this. Why else would I be this way?