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Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Sometimes The Good Comes With A Little Sadness

Yesterday, I happened to catch a coincidental rerun of one of my favourite childhood TV series, and at the end of the episode, after the leading characters of the show successfully triumphed over the current week's antagonist, they were seated together and toasting to their success. During the toast, Character C suddenly looked very sad in which the following dialogue was exchanged between the trio.

Character B:
"What's the matter honey?"

Character C:
"The last time I was here, I was here with Finn..."
(Finn is the innocent whom Character C fell for, but died in mid battle during the climax of the episode.)

Character A & B: [sympathetic silence]

Character C:
"How do you guys get over these things?"

Character A:
"You don't."

Everybody: [silent]

Character A:
"But you learn with experience that you can't dwell on the losses." 
"You kinda have to..."

Character C:
"Harden your heart?"

Character A:
"Pro-tect your heart." 
"And unfortunately, the fact of our lives is that sometimes the good comes with a little sadness."

Monday, 18 August 2014

Emotions From A Miserably Cold And Rainy Day

Recently, a lot has happened and new gay experiences have just been coming into my life much faster than I can write them. So bear with me. Sometimes the sequence of my emotions don't make sense is because they are a continuation of current or previous events which I have yet to write about. 

Anyway, I'm about to document some thought and emotional processes that happened to me in a single day today. It started with me going out in the late afternoon to meet a new guy from Hornet for drinks in the city centreThe weather was miserably cold and rainy, but the man that showed up was cute and genuinely pleasant.

When he first got in touch with me, I never took him seriously as someone that I would actually meet for real. It's one of those profiles where you think chatting is as far as it'll go because the digital rapport between us wasn't very interesting. But finally, we both made the effort to arrange a meeting for real and that was nice.

After our drinks, he went back to the office and I stayed back to check my messages before leaving. Another candidate nearby whom I've been chatting to for weeks on Jack'd notices our very close proximity and asks if we could meet for coffee nearby after his gym session. 

I requested for him to meet at an earlier time so that I don't have to wait around in the cold and rainy weather. Unfortunately, he wasn't going to sacrifice or postpone his gym time just to meet a new guy so it didn't work out. The rain was getting heavier and I decided to brave the cold and walk myself to the nearest bus stop which was about fifteen minutes away. 

Then while waiting for the bus, I suddenly felt very sad. This sudden state of melancholy had nothing to do with the failed second meet or whatever, but it was just negative emotions and sadness that have been bugging me for a while due to my frustrating search for a sorted career path and romantic satisfaction.

While riding on the bus, I thought heavily and sadly about the Australian guy I recently metI miss him. Both sexually and romantically as well. "Oh God, this kinda hurts. Why isn't he enthusiastic about meeting anymore? Why doesn't he make any effort for us to spend time together when he knows I only have a few more weeks left? What's go-"

"M! M! Stop! Stop it. You're a full grown civilised adult male and you're whining like a girl who just got played. Stop being ridiculous. He has the right to do whatever he wants. You just need to shut up and get over your own needy emotions. If you can't play this game like a man, don't play it.", another part of my heart yells as I forced myself not to let my confused emotions and infatuation for the Australian guy carry me further.

Later on, the bus finally arrives at the street where I'm staying and I got off. But before heading home, I decided to buy some groceries and walked to the supermarket which was another ten minutes away. The place was filled with good-looking gay guys that evening, one of which I couldn't keep my eyes off because he was out-of-my-league handsome and impeccably dressed for success.

While at the check out machine, his boyfriend came with another basket of groceries and he too looked very handsome and equally successful. Jesus, do wildly handsome and successful gays partner with only other wildly handsome and successful gays?

This is probably not the most positive thing to say, but standing at the cashier check out, I felt envious and inferior. It felt like there was no way I could ever be good enough being myself. Seeing those two guys live their lives in a shoe where they've already got the incredible good looks and the career success, I wondered deeply at that moment about what my options are in life for a struggling gay guy behind this journal.

As I walked out of the supermarket, so did they, sharing a stylish big black umbrella together under the cold rain with groceries in hand. They seem happy and securely in love, which dug out genuine positive emotions from me to the couple as another human being, but also my very own sense of inferiority and envy.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Having A Good Time At The Australian Guy's Apartment

So after my kiss with the Australian guy in the last post, I was convinced that it might have helped steered us onto a more interesting track. It felt like we gave each other a preview of what the potential experience between us could be, and then leaving each other to get together again.

The next morning while still in my pyjamas and dishevelled hair, he sent me a morning text on WhatsApp and I of course was ecstatic. As one chat bubble led to another, I found out that he currently has about three hours of free time before another conference call and was looking forward to seeing me for more of those kisses.

I said sure, and asked if he wanted to spend some time over coffee. He said to meet in his apartment, which I thought was a little weird because I remember him telling me about some of the house rules he had in place with his flatmates, and one of them was to never bring guys home. Jeez M, why do you care? It's not your apartment or your responsibility!

Our residential buildings are within a ten minute walk from each other. So after a quick jump under the shower and about half an hour later, I was knocking on his apartment door. His friendly Australian self greeted me with a handshake and I felt my heart light up at his presence. "Let me take your jacket for you", he said and just like a good host, he made me feel so welcome. Although I am no fool as to what we're here for.

I walked over to comment on his neat looking bookshelf and conspicuous amount of John Grisham novels before strategically positioning myself on the modern couch. He came over and sat beside me while chatting a little bit more. Somehow things just felt very natural between me and him. And so we closed in almost immediately and fused our lips together again. 

This second kiss then gave way to an amazing make out on the couch. There was tongue, lips, seductive whispers and hands groping all over. Him on top, me on top. I was once told that I should keep my talking mouth shut when engaging in physical activities so as not to spoil the mood. But surprisingly with this guy, the whispers we kept saying to each other made it seem like an exciting television make out scene come to life.

At this point, I wasn't sure what we are, what was going on, or if we should be going all the way, but before I could make a decision, he suspended the kiss and guided us into his bedroom like it was the most normal thing to do.

Before we resumed the make out, he took two minutes to show me a tour of his room along with the vast aerial view from his private balcony. Our suburb is so close to the international airport that you can literally see commercial jets touching down onto the runway from his room. I was impressed. However, the only issue I worried about, was if we have enough privacy as there is a high chance that people from the outside could see into everything that was going on in here.

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ] 
 - - -  Please STOP reading now if you're not comfortable  - - -

Friday, 15 August 2014

Romantic Beachside Date With An Australian Guy

In the last post, I wrote about how I've been actively cruising and spreading my network on the gay apps ever since landing in this new city. One night last week, a smart-looking thumbnail on Jack'd caught my attention and I decided to reach out to him. I have no idea how to explain this, but I swear for some bizarre reason, I just really like this guy even before he responded. It was as if he could harbour the potential to be different.

So after his pleasant reply, we took our chats onto WhatsApp and just really hit it off. Although I might have played it very cool, but deep down inside, I was dying. Dying for us to meet face to face after all that chat. However, he didn't seem to want to push for a meeting instantly so I backed off a little. Ho-o-okay, that's confusing. Why wouldn't he wanna meet if we're chatting along fine?

Then on Tuesday evening, the inner teenage girl in me just couldn't get her mind off him and decided to go for a how's-it-going message. Still, there was no excited feeling of urgency from his end and I finally asked him directly if we're ever going to meet. 

He said that he'll finish work early the next afternoon and suggested that we go for a drive in his car so that he can show me the scenic sights within the greater metropolitan area. I was extremely excited.

"Wait, a drive? As in like a date or we drive around and later on you do sexual stuff to me kinda drive?", I silently pondered to myself. The next day, I met him on the corner of a street with an open mind. Whatever happens, happens. 

He was parked at the side waiting for me. When he saw me walking to him from a distance, he got out of his car looking sharp in a crisp blue shirt that was tucked into his dark jeans and leather belt that complemented his brown shoes and aviator sun glasses. His car was a sleek-looking white Audi convertible. Jesus, nice car! And I love Audi!

As I shook his hand and appraised him in flesh for the first time, I could feel that we're going to have a good time. I also had a moment in my head where it felt so surreal. Firstly I was thinking: "Is this whole scenario really playing out in front of me?"

And secondly, I was just really intimidated by the whole package that was present on a cold Wednesday afternoon. The man, the attire, the car and the sunglasses because he represented a part of what I've always envisioned myself to be when I'm successful and in command, and now my dream is appearing in the form of an afternoon date.

"So you ready? Hop in!" he said. and we both found ourselves within the closed doors of his white Audi. "Very nice car might I say", I said cheekily. "Thanks!" His response was cool and confidently secure. I remember wondering to myself at that point if I would ever one day reach his level of human existence that currently seem so unimaginable to a lost guy behind this journal.

As he drove, we both carried on the conversation and gradually opened up a little more. The chemistry between us was warm as it was exciting. After about 10 minutes, he made a turn into this vastly huge suburban park and slowed the car down to a scenic crawl. The sun was up and the weather was beautiful.

Then with a spontaneous flick of a switch, he retracted the convertible roof and exposed us to the surrounding atmosphere. Damn. This is so much fun! I loved the sensational symphony of solar heat and cold air playing off of my face. But also felt equally uncomfortable at the attention when people would turn their heads and look as we pass by.

Afterwards, we drove to a nice-looking beachside suburb that was about fifteen minutes away. The place had an amazing atmospheric feel to it. Where surfers meet blue waves, boardwalk meets sand, and wooden architecture meets quaint cafés, of which we went to pick up some muffins and coffee before adjourning to go sit by the boardwalk. 

I hear myself take a deep breath, greedily trying to take in as much of the entire experience as I can into my lungs. The fresh air, the sea breeze, all of it. We took a walk and explored the beachside a little bit more before driving up some hilly suburban roads to reach this viewing point atop a cliff. It's not the most heart-stopping view in the world, but it was definitely the best I've seen that week.

Gradually, as the sun went down, he drove us back to the apartment I'm staying and parked the car on the side. We had about five minutes to say our goodbyes before he had to rush home to catch a conference call happening in about twenty minutes. I thanked him genuinely with all my heart for the date and asked if I could give him a goodbye kiss. He was surprised and excited at the same time at my openness.

"That's lovely but I don't have any mint!", he uttered. "It's fine", I said with a smile and leaned forward. Our lips touched for the first time and I melted. It was a very nice kiss. One that is too short to be a formality kiss, but not long enough for it to be a make out. Then when we finally pulled away, his face was drenched in need and I'm sure mine was too. 

After about 10 seconds of mindless grateful ramblings, I went in again for another kiss. Oh my god. This, this kiss feels different. Feels... magical dare I say! It was a long. Realising that there's only less than ten minutes before he has to rush home and take his call, I stopped and finally go out of the car. We waved each other goodbye and he drove away. 

I walked up to the apartment, opened the door, closed it and went straight to the couch to lie down. I was completely floating in a state of euphoria. It was as if I was high on drugs and my heart was just fluttering and spinning. I let myself lay there and enjoy the small taste of a teenage dream that finally came to me for the first time at a delayed age.

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

I Got Cruised At Starbucks Today

I was seated at a local Starbucks this afternoon with my computer, enjoying my hot cup of coffee in this cold and rainy weather when out of the blue, a cute guy in work clothes walks confidently into the coffee house. He was arrogant and intimidatingly smooth. 

I don't know how to explain this, but the moment he entered the café, our eyes just met and he held my gaze for a couple of lingering seconds before looking away confidently. It took me a while to fully realise what just happened but thankfully, my mind caught up. 

"Hey that wasn't just any look we got from him. It was the eye-contact. Strong, firm and filled with seduction masked in confidence. He was calling out to us and checking us out!"

Throughout the entire time he waited in line at the cashier and coffee collection point, I threw him reciprocal glances and he just kept giving me that very same seductive look and firmly looking away. I was blown away because I felt the way he did it was just so smooth and attractive. It wasn't creepy or weird, but everything a seductive eye-contact should be.

"M his coffee’s done and he’s gonna walk away now. Okay, if he looks at you ONE more time, you’ll have to step in and respond. Ask for his number. Come on, it’ll be fun to play this game like a real man for once", persuades the inner voice.

And with a to-go Starbucks cup in hand, he walked his way out and gave me one last inviting stare. This time, complete with a subtle smile that was so cute before disappearing through the glass doors. I smiled in return and was ready to leap out from my seat and dash out the door to get his number but realised that that would mean leaving my open computer and belongings dangerously unattended in a public coffee shop. Damn it!