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Sunday, 18 January 2015

The Time I Had Two Sex Dates In One Day | ❷

[ Previously on... The Time I Had Two Sex Dates In One Day | ❶ ]

Within an hour of leaving messages here and there, I was in talks with two potential candidates for some more fun. One was a hot Asian guy, who initially was a little aloof, but ended up dangling the possibility of a threesome with his hot Aussie boyfriend. Okay, how hot is hot?

Then after seeing the photo he provided, I didn't know what to say. I felt so insecure and out of place. He and his boyfriend certainly looks like the hot gay couple we all are intimidated by, and will never be a part of. Okay, not all of us but "some" of us. I remember thinking about myself at that point and wondered what will be my path.

The invitation to the threesome had a catch, was that I had to bottom for his boyfriend's eight inch tool. Jesus! Eight? And bottoming again? How am I gonna take that? I asked him how does it normally work for them and he says that even as a bottom, he doesn't like taking in his partner's dick, even though it took him a long period of training. So sometimes when the boyfriend is really in the mood to fuck and he's not in the mood to bottom, they would recruit a third. So technically, I will be used that night as a toy. That sounds kinda hot!

After weighing in on the pros and cons, I decided that I wasn't going to offer myself up for something I cannot deliver. I could have easily agreed with an empty promise and then showed up being difficult. So I painfully and unwillingly didn't push the deal through.

The second candidate in talks with me was a hot looking guy from Queensland who made the first approach. His face picture was very promising and I agreed to go over to his place later that night. He only had the apartment to himself until about 11pm so I had to ditch my writing and hurry over to his place down the street within the next hour. Two sex dates in less than 7 hours? That's never happened to me before. This should be interesting.

When I arrived, I hesitated between pressing the doorbell or texting him. I chose the latter. After waiting for a while, I wondered what took him forever to open the damn door. Then it hit me that I was at the wrong part of the street. I absentmindedly memorised the wrong unit number and had the three figures jumbled up in my head! Oh my God, thank fuck I didn't ring the doorbell!

Texting the guy immediately, I let him know that I am a couple of blocks away and will be there. As soon as I arrived, I was shockingly disappointed because I thought the "big" figure in the lobby wasn't him, but unfortunately it was. I did not see it coming tonight. The candidate does have a hot face, but he was for lack of a more elegant word of description, fat. He was a bigger version of an overweight Chris Pratt before Guardians of the Galaxy.

At that point, I told myself to either walk away or to really come clean with him that this wasn't going to work. Because number one, I felt deceived. I felt like he tricked me with a nice face picture but kept his overweight body a secret, and secondly, I really wasn't feeling any attraction to him. But being the weak, let's-try-not-to-be-an-asshole guy that I am, I didn't have the heart to reject him up front without giving him a chance. He was a friendly guy so I forced myself to shut up and go ahead.

So we adjourned upstairs to his nice apartment together. I relied heavily on my loquacity to do the work in diffusing any sort of awkwardness and to hide my incredibly anxious self. You know the part that felt betrayed and was going to yell "this is not working out" anytime.

The candidate is currently in an open relationship with a younger boyfriend, a banker who happens to be very cute from the way he describes his partner, and from the picture I saw in the living room. He was at work on a Saturday and is scheduled to come home by 11pm. I really don't want to be caught in flagrante delicto so I kept asking him what happens if his boyfriend walks in on us? Because even with open-relationships, "knowing" that your partner is having fun with someone else and "walking in" with your own eyes releases a very different kind of energy and emotional impact.

Apparently it didn't worry him and he kept reassuring me that it's okay as his partner knows he brings people home only when he's not around. That whole awkward episode I was worried about happened once a long time ago, but unfortunately that didn't go so well in the eyes of his banker boyfriend. But they've grown and worked on things.

Then, figuring out that I am not in any way responsible for his arrangements or required to be entangled into the complicated details of his partnership, I told myself as long as I stuck to playing my part as nothing more than a flimsy Grindr candidate, the rest wasn't any of my business.

Within a few minutes on the couch, I started things off with a make out because had I given myself more time to think, I would have said goodbye. The make out and foreplay was good and you could see that he was enjoying himself. Disregarding his entire body which was out of shape, I loved the whole stubble and face. He does has a hot face.

     "God, you're my kinda kisser! Cum'ere," he said and we continued kissing. 
     "God, your boyfriends must have loved it every time you kiss them", he added.
     "Uh, I don't have a boyfriend."

He stopped the kissing immediately and looked at my face with an incomprehensible expression, like as if something just didn't click.

"Really? Why?", he questioned.
"Oh I don't know. I only came out 2 years ago, still getting to know the scene, haven't found anything concrete," I said nervously.
I can most certainly hear my inner self go: Oh God, why the hell are you telling your life story? Shut up. Shut up now.

Halfway through the make out, he took off his shirt and I cringed a little. Okay, I cringed a lot. But then I tried very hard to get myself to focus on thinking about him as a person as opposed to concentrating on his fat body all the time. Until this day, I couldn't quite comprehend how I did what I did.

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ] 
 - - -  Please STOP reading now if you're not comfortable  - - -

Anyway after a while, he was ready to move us into the bedroom, the very same bedroom that he sleeps in with his investment banking partner. All of a sudden, I didn't feel easy. Call me naive, call me a wimp, but I couldn't help but thought of myself as a surreptitious intruder to the sacred space that a guy and his partner sleeps in. The very symbol of their being together, of which I don't know if I will ever have the heart to deal with had it been me in this relationship.

Sticking to the decision of not wanting to over-thinking things that are not mine to be dealt with, I followed through with the program. So we adjourned into the bedroom where he and I shed our clothes and got down to business in bed.

Initially I thought the blowjobs, kisses and foreplay would be enough. However, it wasn't and he wanted to fuck me. At first I didn't wanna go through with it because I'm not a fan of being a bottom, then later on I thought: "Okay, he's a nice decent guy. And his tool was small too. I can do small."

When he entered, it burnt. I couldn't tell if it was from the previous penetration that happened a few hours ago, or was it because in general, I'm still not used to being fucked. While fucking me, he noticed my facial expression and asked what's wrong. I told him it burns due to the prior sex date I had a few hours ago and requested for him to just come quickly.

He smiled and said okay, while whispering additionally that he would like to see me again, and that the next round he does, he wants to be the fresh one to penetrate me and not have to be second. I just listened quietly to myself because I already know in my head that there wouldn't be a next time.

Once we were done, he let me take a nice shower in the master bathroom and even gave me a fresh towel to use. I appreciated things like this so much. Some guys just throw you out or bark at you.

After the shower, I didn't leave immediately because there was no way I was going to allow myself to miss my favourite part of the program, talking and interviewing the candidate about his life story. This remains and still is one of the most therapeutic segment I love doing while meeting guys on sex dates. There's something about this way of approach to sex dates that completely changes the meaning, depth and energy of exchange.

So the guy and his investment banker boyfriend have been together for almost a decade. They were from the same town and journeyed together to where they are today in this apartment. His boyfriend was my age which dug out feelings of inadequacy within myself. You know, the whole better looking and more successful thing. I know it sounds like a very naive thing to say, but yeah I do struggle with little things like that.

I asked how did the concept of the open relationship came about, when especially you've been in a relationship of ten years. "How does that work?", I remember hearing myself ask. So apparently, they are actually in the midst of working things out. 

In the recent years when the investment banker boyfriend was climbing the ladder and committed to working all the time in building his career, their relationship hit a rough patch as this guy felt really lonely and wasn't getting the attention he deserves. The candidate was a regular working class guy who was attached to a young banker who was not only more successful, but had to constantly work all the time.

     "Was it difficult to tell your partner that you wanted to now open up the relationship?" I asked.
     "Yeah it was. It was very hard," he replied smiling.
     "But how did you manage to do it and really really settle on an arrangement like this without hurting each other or making sure that both parties ARE effectively getting the necessary benefit out of it?"
     "Well it had to come to this because he couldn't compromise on his crucial period in his career and I needed something in which he currently can't provide due to the nature of his work. So the conversation was tough and he didn't take it well but in the end it was fine. He knows I sleep with people and he sleeps with other people too. Although I think he doesn't use this privilege a lot and as much as I do because he's away and working all the time. But him and I are very strong together. He's family to me and I'm family to him."
     "Oh yeah. We went through a lot together. I supported him, he supported me. I would say that even if him and I didn't work out in the end, he will still be a part of my life and will always be my family. Do you ever get that?"
I looked at him with a 'hello' expression and he automatically smiled and remembered I've never been in a relationship.
     "Oh yeah I forgot you uh...", he responded smiling.

     "You guys have a very nice apartment here." I added while looking around. "The space feels so personal."
     "Thanks. The rent is expensive too. If I am not with my boyfriend, I probably wouldn't be able to afford a place like this. I do have a job I'm enthusiastic about but I don't make as much money as him."
     "Are you okay with that though?"
     "Yeah. My boyfriend, well he's exceptionally bright and intelligent. Like really bright," he said.
    "Oh my God, you know my childhood best friend, the one I'm currently staying with says the same thing all the time regarding his bosses and other people he's met in the industry. He's an investment banker himself, and I've always kinda told him that due to the cut-throat way he works all the time, I have this impression that he's quite successful.

However he shocked me by telling me that that is not true because he's actually still way at the bottom of a corporate banking ladder. I remember asking him too what did he mean by 'really smart' when he uses that kind of adjective to describe his bosses and his other banking peers. For he does make it sound like they have this level of intelligence and smarts that is unimaginable. He says he can't quite put his finger on it or give me the answer I wanna hear, but based on how one works at the banking office, you really have to be at the phenomenal top of your game. Which I guess sounded quite logical if you're in such a competitive cut-throat dog-eat-dog world industry."

The big guy went on to tell me about how his boyfriend was devastated initially when every major financial institution turned him down upon graduation. Then in the midst of feeling low, the number one crème de la crème of investment banking unexpectedly called and took him in. The rest as we know it was history. I sat there like a small unexposed bird listening to the success of high flying eagles.

I know it probably shouldn't affect me or come to be any of my business, but hearing us talk about great career success and "real world smarts" excavated great feelings of inferiority within myself. I've mentioned before that I've always felt that I am not equipped with the right smarts. that are competitive enough for the real world that we live in. Academically and professionally.

Even back in my days at whatever I did, I was an easy C student. In everything that I do, somehow the C easily and conveniently finds its way to me. There were only a handful of moments I unexpectedly performed well, and even that required immense training. So if we're not A material, neither are we one of the Fs who become millionaire entrepreneurs. Where does my fate lie God? I pondered deeply.

"But you know what they say about investment bankers, which includes my boyfriend from what I observe since we were together, is that they are extremely intelligent and competitive in a lot of things, but sometimes they can be complete fools when it comes to life," he added.
     "Yeah, they can be. Don't get me wrong, they're exceptional, highly competitive smart guys, but sometimes when it comes to life, they're clueless."

I chuckled amusingly with heightened curiosity at his claim because although I'm not saying it's completely true, but I do feel this sometimes with my childhood best friend. I admire him greatly for the great survivor and resilient banker that he is, but it has struck me many many times over the years that I really do come from a different world when it comes to soul-searching.

Him and I went on to chat about a few more things on the couch before he noticed the phone vibrating suddenly in his pants. It was his bright and highly intelligent investment banker boyfriend calling. He was downstairs and was waiting for his current boyfriend who was with me to buzz him up because he didn't have a key. 

"Okay, I guess that means it's time for me to go," I said while smiling. "Thank you for having me," I added. "No thank you for coming," he answered. The big guy apologised for having to kick me out but I assured him that I certainly don't feel that way at all, in fact I really enjoyed the conversation we had in the apartment. It gave me a lot to think about.

I was a little worried about how to leave the building without having to go through the whole bumping into his boyfriend thing. Call me a hypocrite for going ahead with this sex date in the first place, but I am actually concerned about not wanting to put me and his boyfriend through any awkward scenario during my exit.

The candidate told me that he will go down himself and get his boyfriend five minutes after I have left so as to avoid the aforementioned scenario. I was to descend and exit on my own. I thought it was a good plan and agreed.

As I took the elevator down and walked out to the forecourt of the building, there he was, the good-looking and successfully bright investment banker boyfriend on the other side of the gate, waiting to be let in. He was handsome, dressed in casual Saturday work clothes and engrossed at the contents of his touch screen phone. I couldn't fathom with clarity if I felt envious, inferior or ready to accept that I might just never be on the same platform or level as some people.

My intention was to quietly press the gate release button and walk away quickly. However, it hit me that I couldn't find the damn button and I spent the next two minutes pacing up and down the forecourt like a fool, looking for the release button that will free the magnetic locks on the gate to let me out. The banker boyfriend was still looking down at his phone and didn't notice I was there. Please let me find it before he looks up! Please let me find it before he looks up!

"You gotta press the green button on your left right by the pillar", says the boyfriend as he finally looked up from his phone. The successfully bright, intelligent investment banker has spokenI mouthed the word fuck to myself in the dark.
     "Uh, thanks. Couldn't find it", I responded.

I rolled my eyes internally at myself for the blunder I staged when I was trying so hard not to embarrass me in front of the hot and bright investment banker who probably now thinks I'm stupid. God I wanted to shoot myself in the toe. 

When the gates finally opened after I pressed the button, I walked out and we held the gate for each other as he walked in. We passed one another and I said: "Have a nice night." I think he mumbled a reply, I think he didn't.

As I walked out, I was very conscious of the energy that was emanating from my body. I wondered deeply at that point if he knew who I was and which apartment unit did I just come down from. Because just when you always assume people don't have a clue as to what is going on, they know. They always know.

Right from the moment I made a turn after my exit, my head and heart was just inundated with a million emotions, thoughts, dreams and worries. For some reason, even I myself couldn't understand how my own head works and the infinite ocean that it is. I think I teared up a little firstly because of how I felt about myself earlier, and secondly, for the hopeful visions I still harbour for myself in hopes that someday, they will find its way to me, just like how it has found its way to many and have made them successful.

On my way to the bus stop, I found myself on Oxford Street and decided to take a detour to Stonewall. It was after all the last Saturday I will be spending in this city so I wanted to seize the opportunity to enjoy every last bit of my privilege and right to walk into a gay bar because I never do so back home openly and would definitely miss everything here.

As usual the bar was packed and the atmosphere, as gay and alive as ever. I bought myself a pint and sat at a corner to take it all in. I observed everything. From the drag shows to the hot guys and their hot gay groups, the fearless twinks to the good-looking bar tenders. It's been three years since the first time I walked myself into a gay bar on my own in 2011. On one hand I was grateful for being able to now sit in a bar and own my truth as a different man, on the other, I was a little sad that despite putting myself through so much running around, I was still alone and didn't seem to fit in with the crowd. Feeling a little tired and overwhelmed, I finally picked up my glass, downed the remaining beer that was left and headed home.

Thursday, 15 January 2015

The Time I Had Two Sex Dates In One Day | ❶

After feeling a little shaken from the previous happenings, I woke up to a jostling Saturday morning where the living room of my friend's apartment was about to play host to a simple breakfast gathering of seven. I was feeling a little empty and completely not in the mood to be around a crowd so I excused myself and went to the bathroom to dwell on my morning ritual.

While on the toilet seat, I checked my Grindr and saw that a cute guy with an approximate distance of 118m has left me a message. Okay, let's talk and see where this goes. Within 15 minutes, we've established via WhatsApp that he was going to touch base again within an hour to see if the hang over dissipates and if he can get himself out of bed to meet for a short coffee then head back to his place for fun.

So I got ready and headed to the corner coffee house to catch up on some writing while I waited for his text. I had a very strong feeling that he might stand me up, but it didn't bother me at all even if he does because I was so engrossed in my backlog, and my journal is more important than any date. So in the end, he never touched base like he said he would.

I stayed and continued to write when another profile from Grindr who previously wasn't willing to give me his number, spontaneously left me a missed call and a voice message asking if we could meet for coffee. I called him back and within 40 minutes, I took the bus and met him in Darlinghurst, one of the most exciting gay neighbourhoods in the city.

For the past month, Grindr along with the other gay apps have unconsciously become my new social network obsession where I'm constantly on it all the time. It was so weird to think that when I was cruising very hard during the week, nothing comes up. But the minute I let go, and try to use the Law of Attraction to envision a sexually satisfied version of myself, where the energy I'm feeling says: "I'm having, I have, or have already had", these encounters just start popping up spontaneously at an unexpectedly fast rate. This method was proven to work in the post where I wrote about my sex date with a broadcasting executive.

Forty minutes later as I descended from the bus near my destination, I NEVER thought fate will physically let me cross paths with "Frenchy", this insanely hot French jock I've been trying to woo for weeks on Grindr. He lives about 80 metres away from my unit but have never for once replied my damn messages. 

Oh my God, that's Frenchy! Frenchy! The hot guy we've been after. What do we do now what do we do now? Should we go say 'Hi'? Damn it, how do we get his attention? How can we approach this fragile situation sensibly without destroying our shot? Oh my God, think, think damn it!

Within that few precious seconds that we crossed paths, I tried to get him to look at me. Come on look at me baby. Look at me. Regarde-moi damn it! Unfortunately, he wasn't aware of it and continued walking across the street to the opposite bus station. I deliberately changed my route so that I can give myself an additional ten seconds to think about what I'm going to do.

He was wearing an extremely tight maroon t-shirt with faded jeans, complete with music ear plugs which makes getting his attention an obstacle. Jesus, he is so hot. By the looks of it, he was on his way home from a work-out session at Fitness First. I watched him as he positions himself on the bus stop bench and stared into his phone.

At that point, I was really confused with my dilemma. I was late for my meet-up with the guy from Grindr, but yet I couldn't let go of my chance with 'Frenchy'. Bumping into him has catapulted me into a state where I was ecstatic, scared and torn. Torn between if I should take a left to walk away, or screw being late and take a right to invest an additional ten minutes to try and get his number at the bus stop. Come on come on M think! I stood on the side of the pavement for a good five to ten minutes in order for my mind to reason itself. 

Right Side:
"M, what are the odds that fate has arranged for you to bump into the guy you've been hunting after in order for you to walk away? You are NOT going to get another opportunity to cross paths like this again! Grow some balls and take the risk." 

"But what are we gonna say? What if we look stupid? What is our excuse to approach him? What if going up to him actually expedites rejection and ruin everything?"

Left Side:
"M, you are late for a date. With a guy who has concretely asked you out and arranged for a meeting nonetheless. This IS the present situation. Not the 'what-if' you are fantasising with 'Frenchy'. And yet, here you are thinking about whether if you want to go for somebody else? Is this fair to the present guy that is waiting for you?"

Right Side:
"No it's not fair. But neither it is to ask me to give up on this! I've been trying to get his attention for weeks." 

Left Side:
"It's okay. Just do the right thing and go meet your date now. Forget about 'Frenchy' because if he is interested in meeting, wouldn't he reply your messages in the first place? Take a hint. Look if you truly are destined to talk to each other, the universe will give a second chance to allow that to happen again. So let's go."

Right Side:
"What? What?! What a bunch of bullshit? Wait, let me thi..."

So I walked away, which I know sounds extremely stupid right now while writing it in black and white, but I made a choice based on what I thought was the right behaviour, and I can't change the past. Looking back, one might think that I would have drew on the missed opportunity lesson learnt at Starbucks and Midnight Shift to never let another opportunity pass me by this time, but unfortunately I didn't.

Using the entrance of Stonewall, a popular gay bar on Oxford Street as a landmark, I finally met up with my Grindr candidate and adjourned to a nearby coffee house for a drink. He looks better in person than in his profile picture. The features that really stood out was his incredibly scruffy jaw and his blue eyes. As soon as I saw him, I knew we were going to end up in bed together. He is not young, but neither is he too old.

He was an Anglo-Australian and the conversation with him really had every potential to be enjoyable and interesting. However, I was clearly not in my element that afternoon and I couldn't bring myself to concentrate. My heart and mind was just completely scattered all over the place firstly because of my missed opportunity with 'Frenchy'. Secondly the gay café we were in was just flooded with hot beautiful gay guys I salivate for, and thirdly, our outdoor table was right in front of the balcony unit of the German man on rebound who might catch me with another man. Wow, three issues? I thought you were just a simple guy?

Throughout the entire sitting, I was feeling very anxious and all over the place. Then, the candidate says that we should go back and chill at his home. Oh thank God, let's move. Maybe the sooner we have sex, the faster I can blow off some much needed steam that is contributing to my nervous scattered self.

The weird thing is that I feel the term horny is not what this is called, because I associate horny with being able to just fuck your brains out to solve the problem. I would have to say that hunger for a make out and physical passion with another man is a more accurate description of my situation. Although it might be the same to many.

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ] 
 - - -  Please STOP reading now if you're not comfortable  - - -

So we arrived, and a casual tour of the place conveniently turns into a make out in his room. The kiss was good, the cuddles were good, everything was so far so good.

"God, you are so sexy do you know that?", he says to me in between sealing our lips together. "God, I love your scruff", I murmured in reciprocation and he chuckled in amusement. My heart giggled at its own attempt in trying to create a little bed entertainment.

Then I went down on his competently-sized tool and he moaned in absolute ecstasy while trying to stick a finger in to play with my ass. "Are you clean?", he whispered? "Yes I am", I replied. "So, you cleaned yourself before you came to see me. You must be expecting to get fucked", he teases.

"Uh, no. I just like being clean. Has nothing to do with wanting to be fucked", I answered as a matter of factually with an underlying tone that seems to suggest that we won't be doing anal today. He asked if I liked being rimmed and I told him I love it! 

I had a moment in my head where it hit me that guys who firmly identify themselves as Tops love putting their lips to asses. Nevertheless, as long as I don't have to do it on others, it's fine. So we alternated between me giving him a blowjob and him rimming me. It got to a point where we were passionately in the 69 position. The friction of his scruff and flickering of his tongue when he rimmed me was good.

After a while, I was starting to get bored and asked if he wanted to come. "Not yet. I haven't gotten around to fucking you", he says. "Uh, there will be no fucking today", I said. 

"Aaw, why? Why? Come on", he pleads softly almost in a whisper. I shook my head and stayed strong in my decision. Then, being the "pleaser" that I am, I couldn't help but gave in after a while. The whole thing wasn't too bad, but I remember telling him to get it over with quickly because I haven't found my joy in being a bottom. He did wanted to help me "like" it with many different positions, but I was just really not in the mood.

When we were done, we took a shower and got dressed. He was headed to the Opera House for some kind of performance and I was just gonna find a café on Oxford Street to continue putting my backlog of thoughts into writing. I waited with him at the bus station until his ride came and we said goodbye. Apart from that, it was nice to get a text from him later asking me how I am.

Later on at a café, I bought myself some tea and sat down to write at a small corner, relying on the miserable power plug that is sustaining my low battery device. As you can imagine, I was also heavily distracted on the gay apps on my phone, which reminded me very much about my Facebook addiction when it first came out. My excuse was that I am in Darlinghurst on a Saturday night and I would like to increase my chances of getting in touch with more guys. I alternated between writing and cruising.

[ To Be Continued... The Time I Had Two Sex Dates In One Day  |  ❷ ]

Monday, 22 December 2014

The Time I Got My Closure With The Aussie IT Manager

Remember the Aussie IT Manager from August? In brief, he was a character I first got in touch with on Jack'd and went out on two wonderful dates with. Once at the beach, the other in his apartment where we had fun.

Those two lovely days unexpectedly dug out some needy girl emotions in me where apart from going through that whole how-come-he-doesn't-call-or-respond routine despite him telling me not to feel like it was a hit and run, I started to come to terms with the possibility that this might actually be my turn in dealing with an unreliable guy who doesn't mean what he says.

For weeks, his lackadaisical behaviour and aloofness was certainly confusing to digest, which gave rise to my intuitive suspicion of his credibility. I couldn't help but wonder if these thoughts came up due to past experiences in witnessing these kind of characters show up in the form of people my friends and family members have dated or been with.

I've written about my frustration regarding him in this post and am aware to have demonstrated characteristics of being "a girl" about it. But despite it all, I remember did coming to the deduction that the best way sometimes to get over situations like this, is either through the passage of time, sleep over it(s) or sleep it off(s), or letting other positive experiences with new guys bury it. Those were the things I tried to get myself to do before the ensuing experiences with W over a period of a month gave me absolute closure.

Third Time We Met
About a week or two after that cold and rainy day where I felt sad, the IT Manager and I got back in touch, went through one more 'empty word' hurdle again before finally meeting for the third time at his apartment for fun. As usual, the session in bed with him was amazing. He even gave me a chance to try topping him, of which he said that I might actually be a "closeted top". I've never heard such a term before!

After the sex, I was looking for my pair of Calvins on the floor when we discovered that he might have accidentally put it into the washing machine together with the bed sheets we were rolling around in. Argh, damn it. I love that pair of underwear and now I'm not even sure if I'll ever see them again. It's so hard to even get W to respond to a meet, let alone ask him to pass it back on another occasion.

He insisted on lending me a fresh pair of undies even though I was more than okay to walk home without one due to the five minute distance we live from each other. Finally, I acquiesced. We were seated outside his living room, chatting and watching some television when I decided to ask him what has he been up to recently and he apologised for being, in his own words, unreliable. 

"Sometimes you just drift into your own bubble and you just don't want to speak to anyone", he said. Upon hearing that sentence, I felt as if I got the answer I needed in order to stay emotionally unattached from him. I was instantly aware that just like many other guys who are weird in our own ways, including me, he might be going through some personal issues or stuff that consumes them that we don't see.

He lives in a two bedroom apartment, of which one of them is rented out to this other gay flatmate who he claims the relationship is purely formal and non sexual. The rule of the house is that nobody is supposed to bring any sex dates home. But the IT Manager himself tends to break that rule because he is the owner of the place. I asked him if me being there was all right and he said it's fine.

Suddenly, the main door opens and the flatmate who was supposed to be at work came home unexpectedly. Awkwardness soon ensued between everybody in the apartment and I could feel as if every furniture and kitchen cabinet in the room was turning into frost. The flatmate who was perfectly man on the outside, I swear, was speaking in the voice of a woman. To make sure I wasn't hallucinating, I listened and observed intently like a hawk. Yup, nothing wrong with my hearing. Jesus, that is just freaky. Am I missing something here?

The flatmate was cool about the situation, but to counteract the awkward conversation between the guys, I walked up to them and made a friendly initiative to introduce myself, shot some breeze and intuitively decided to cut short my stay, leaving the residents to sort things out among themselves should there be any.

Fourth Time We Met
Two weeks after the third time we saw each other, I met him again for the fourth. Before the fun began, I passed him the underwear he lent me from the last time, freshly cleaned and nicely folded in a paper bag. He set out to find my pair of Calvins, only to pause for a moment in contemplation, lifted up his shirt to check and asked me if the one he had on was mine. I saw the band and said yeah. "Shit", he uttered. He took it off and apologised while I reassured him that everything is fine and I will accept it in the manner he was going to give it back. When I got home, I left the underwear in the laundry basket.

Fifth Time I Bumped Into Him and "The Roommate"
One more thing I should point out before I continue the story. Within the same week that I first met the IT Manager, I was kinda shocked to learn that there is actually a third character living in the same apartment known as the roommate. I know. It does sound like a horror movie, "the roommate". 

Initially I was a little confused and thought that the current flatmate was the "roommate", until it struck me that that isn't the case, and that he actually shares his room with another Hornet candidate from the area that kinda looks like me. His name was S and he was on a working holiday visa.

At first, the revelation bothered me because firstly, the idea that he chooses to be with another guy who could be another version of myself, made it all a bigger blow to my insecurity, and secondly, the thought that he might be playing games is sinking in fast. 

Later on, at the determination of wanting to be a grown adult, I realised that as long as I do my part in protecting my own heart, I have no business knowing what arrangements he has with other people. I am responsible for my own life. Period.

He even asked me at that point if I was interested in a threesome with "the roommate" because "the roommate" was keen. I obviously declined with dignity. I felt the reality of who I thought I was to him, faded away in a blink. I have to confess, I was a little bruised but it was a good wake up call for me to realise that I need to handle him as nothing more than just a fuck buddy.

One Saturday evening, I found myself dateless and restless. Everybody around me had their own plans so I had to entertain myself. The neighbourhood of Surry Hills was having their annual festival at the Shannon Reserve right across from the constantly crowded Gelato Messina and I decided to go take a look. I was really in the mood to feel good so I dressed up casual smart with a black tie.

However upon arrival, the festival was already in the process of wrapping up so I took a walk instead. As I was nearing the intersection towards Oxford Street, I caught sight of the IT Manager and his roommate walking hand in hand towards my direction on the same pavement. I didn't know why, but my heart dropped. I guess hearing something and seeing something with your own eyes can make a huge difference.

I only had a few seconds to decide if I was going to avoid awkwardness, or stay on the same path with my head up high. I chose the latter in which he, who I had a very strong feeling wanted to avoid the awkwardness too, but realised that we saw each other and it was too late. Oh God, the roommate look like another version of me.

Upon seeing me, he instantly let go of his roommate's hand. "Hey", I said. "Hey!", he replied enthusiastically as if nothing was going on. We shot the breeze awkwardly for a bit before I extended my hand out and shook his roommate's. "Hello. You must be X, nice to meet you", I said warmly and kept it strictly to that. The roommate was completely clueless as to what was going on and was lost. I'm guessing he too was having a weird time digesting the awkward situation happening in front. Who is this guy?

"Nice tie", the IT Manager complimented as he reached out to touch the tie. I wondered at that moment: "What is the deal between him and his roommate? Are they dating? Is there some kind of arrangement? Why would the IT Manager flirt so obviously in front of the roommate? Is the roommate himself being played? Does he wonder about life the way I do?"

As quickly as we bumped into each other, the three of us went on our way. I really can't explain this, but my deep sense of intuition can somehow read formless emotions and energy very well. I was certain that the IT Manager himself felt awkward and also in a way, dreaded that two minute of exchange even though he played the role convincingly.

During the rest of the evening, I was affected. I was suddenly a little depressed and dissatisfied.
It's not that I am in love with the IT Manager or anything, but I think I might have been a little jealous. I felt as if my ego got the slap it needed to wake up and be smart about things. The thing that still kills me was the fact that his roommate was another physical version of myself, and we are all replaceable.

Soon after, I tried to get myself to be grateful for what happened. Because I realised that this might be the universe's way of speaking to me, trying to get me to see the potential trouble and mess that I will be getting into if I let myself fall for this guy. 

Sixth Time We Met
After the last incident where I bumped into the IT Manager and "his roommate" on the street, I had a discussion with my investment banker friend regarding the matter. I told him I wasn't sure if I might have ruined a courtship or whatever it is that was going on between the IT Manager and his roommate by introducing myself spontaneously. I told him about me feeling insecure and inadequate due to how alike "the roommate" and I looked.

He mentioned that maybe I might have acted in a spur of anxious emotions, and that maybe I shouldn't have burst out introducing myself to the roommate on the street. For it sounded, in his own words, a little too "in his face". On one hand, I could see the reasoning behind his justification, but on the other, I felt that being warm and outspoken was one of the best moves I have ever made to diffuse the awkwardness and kept my dignity.

Since that night, I never made anymore contact. I was ready to silently move on when I received a surprising text message with his name on the display screen the next day.

    "Oh my God, what a surprise. Does he feel funny? Guilty?", I hear my ego questioned.
    "Jesus Christ. Get over yourself please!", shouts the inner voice and I calmed down.

I read the casual text, which apart from asking me bits of how was last night and telling me his roommate thought I was cute, says that he found another pair of Calvins in his home that wasn't his size and asked to verify if the one he returned to me the other day was the right one. I went to the clean pile of clothes and reconfirmed his suspicion that he might have returned the wrong one.

The next day, we made an appointment to meet up at a local coffee shop two minutes away from our apartments. Things were as normal as they can be. It was as if that awkward moment on the street two days before didn't happen. I have to admit that re-exchanging our Calvins over the table had its thrill as well as its surreptitious moments. I laughed inwardly at myself for the interesting situations that tend to come my way and embraced the originality of what could be the feeling tone of my life.

I don't know about him, but as for me, I was perfectly at peace and never once talked about that awkward encounter on the street few days back. I think I may have found the clarity I needed to handle my relationship with him as nothing more than a fuck buddy or foreign acquaintance.

Him and I chatted for a bit over a cup of coffee. I couldn't help but wonder if its because he knew I was leaving for Victoria the next day and was in a sentimental mood. The conversation was very enjoyable. In fact, I even told him about my recent rejection stories at Starbucks along with that Circular Quay toilet incident, for which he told me to write the experience down in a journal and "cloud" it for protection against physical circumstances. It doesn't have to be detailed, a couple of sentences or words to remember the day by. I smiled secretly on the inside thinking about Gay & Invisible.

Seventh and Final Time We Met
After almost three and a half weeks in Victoria, I came back to New South Wales for a couple of days before I was scheduled to head home. W did mention that he wanted to see me one last time upon my return. I didn't take him seriously until I found myself in bed with him again in October. He would say things like: "Damn. If you live in the same city, I'll date you. Hey if I'm gonna head over to your region, where do I find you? Which city?"

I remember having a moment in my head where I was trying to understand why is he saying all these things that probably don't carry any real meaning, and why was I still standing here in his company? Do we like each other or are we just products of sexual chemistry?

    "What are your plans for the afternoon?", he asked.
    "I was gonna go to the beach, but seeing as how the weather is grey and gloomy today, I might just head down to the city centre to walk around and buy some stuff."
    "Perfect. I'll drop you off. I'm headed across the bridge anyway for a work meeting so you can ride with me."
    "Oh no that's okay! No worries. I'm gonna take the bus."
    "No no. Come with me."
    "Uh, you sure? Wouldn't you be late for your appointment or something?", I asked out of concern.
    "Nah. It's cool."
    "Sure, I'll ride with you."

After a couple of minutes, he came back into the room and the following dialogue took place.

    "Hey I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll be headed North across the bridge. The meeting has been moved to another location."
    "See, I told you not to worry about it. I'm perfectly okay with getting there on my own. Which was why I didn't want to ride with you in the first place. Trust me, it's okay", I said with a smile.

Anyway, here is the big thundering moment that I will remember for the rest of my life. The IT Manager usually leaves his phone lying around when we're in the apartment and most of the time, I can see snippets of his messages off the bright screen. 

So right after we had that conversation, his phone was on the bed and I accidentally saw from afar what was on his screen. It was a message thread between him and "the roommate". The top bubble said something like: "Sorry, I didn't pick up. Was in the middle of a work conference call. You finish?" And the second bubble read something like: "The weather is horrible. I'll come get you now." 

For those of you who still don't know what happened there, the IT Manager lied to "the roommate" in his first text bubble about being in a work conference call when he was actually in bed with me, and the second text bubble proved that he wasn't being honest with me about "the meeting moving to another location".

At that few particular heartbeats of my life, I swear, something inside me sparked alive and I have never experienced a more powerfully elated moment in myself just by reading a text message. 

It was as if somebody or something divine shot a bullet of clarity through my soul and I was in complete alignment with the cosmic infinity. I had goosebumps, and a tear developing in my right eye out of the life-changing sentiment of gratitude and enlightenment, all bouncing off each other at the same time.

The truth set me free and I said, never again will I try to pursue something that I know is not meant for me. Before I left his apartment the IT Manager insisted on sending me to the airport for my flight the next day which was really nice of him. 

Realising that I am done, and that I am really not interested in taking any more of what he would offer, I said a friend was going to drop me off and I told him to take care without an ounce of disrespect or resentment in my voice but filled with genuine regard because I really do have a soft spot for this guy. He probably has no idea what he taught me, but as long as I know, I will be able to listen to my own voice and save myself from a lot of unnecessary heartbreaks.

Saturday, 6 December 2014

The Time I Met A German Man On A Rebound

This next guy I'm going to write about was a very interesting chapter that happened during my stay in this city. But somehow, thinking about him at this moment still brings out tiny emotions of confusion and emptiness due to the way my exchange with him ended. I'll elaborate.

Mid-week afternoon. There I was. Same coffee house, feeling restless, itching for a meet, started fishing on the gay apps on my phone. This pretty-looking man with a nice body from Jack'd reached out to me for a simple "Hi". After a couple of exchanges, the vibe I got was that he was looking for some fun. However, once I started to push for a meet to happen at his place that evening, he questioned me directly what were my intentions. Huh? Is he for real?

I said I am somebody who goes into a meeting without expectations. I like to meet guys and talk to them, get a sense of who they are and learn to enjoy the moment. If things go well, we can take it further from there, if not, it doesn't bother me too and I would still head home without regrets.

   "You happy with my answer?", I asked deliberately as a matter of factually with a smiley emoticon.
     "That's exactly my thought!", he replied enthusiastically.

Knowing that sex was not going to be the principal goal of the meet, I felt more at ease and could go into this date with a much more calm approach. Within a couple of hours, I was pressing on the intercom to his building and he buzzed me up. 

He lives in a nice location and a nice apartment. When I saw him in flesh, age has certainly roughened up his pretty face in a sexy and masculine way which I thought was kinda hot. But his use of a profile picture from his younger days on Jack'd once again made me ponder deeply about my own future, and what this common fear of ageing can mean to many gay men. Especially to those who are experiencing it now and to those who have come before me.

Immediately upon entering his space, my talkative mouth just started chattering itself away while he boiled us some water for tea. He has an amazingly comfortable and spacious couch that I just couldn't resist the idea of making myself feel at home in his living room.

Frankly, I've only stepped into his apartment for a mere ten minutes, but I could already see it in his eyes that he was completely fascinated and surprised by the friendliness and warmth that is currently standing in his apartment. Yes I call it friendliness and warmth, but maybe what it really was was just hyperactive energy and a lot of curious questions. Anyway if we can't trust what I see, at least trust my intuitive sixth sense for energy.

I can't recall the exact sequence of our conversation, but him and I are capable of talking about a wide variety of things. From German society and economy, to his current job search and recent break up with his ex-boyfriend. 

However, I think it was only revealed to me later during our fourth or fifth meeting that he loved his ex-boyfriend of Taiwanese descent insanely much, but the relationship had an element of deception and arrière-penseé to it in the sense that the younger partner was an incredibly smart but selfish guy who knew how to play his cards right. From what I gather, I was a little heartbroken to learn that his ex was reaping a lot of benefits from him. Financial or otherwise throughout the course of their relationship.

     "Weren't you aware at all of what was happening during the relationship? How did you let yourself go on when you knew what constituted the foundation? Did you see this coming?"

It wasn't only after I heard my own questions out loud that I realised, no matter how understanding or empathetic my tone of voice sounded, it was unfair of me, and that I actually hold no right to ask such difficult questions. Even if all I wanted were valuable relationship and human being lessons out of it.

Also at the back of my head, it started to sink in too that there are guys out there like his ex who are absolutely unafraid of their actions. I couldn't decide for myself I should think of them as indispensably clever in life, or just spiritually and morally bankrupt.

But the German guy did mention something later on about how he is willing to accept this experience of loss as some kind of returned karmic consequence for the behaviour of his younger self that resembled very much like his current ex.
"For those who use, will eventually be used?", I heard the voice inside myself ponder.

One evening, while we were playing this game called Lumosity on his iPad to challenge our brains, he would harmlessly reiterate at the fact that his ex was an intelligent guy who dominates this game. I think he might have meant it too in terms of IQ and academics. Which is why in the practical sense of survival in life, his ex performs well.

For a moment of insecurity, I thought about myself. On top of not possessing the practical smarts that many people seem to have, I feel that I am not clever enough to want to use people too for personal gain. "Am I on the right track staying the way I am? For sometimes, personal integrity and doing the right thing just doesn't really get you anywhere", I hear my inner self thought.

The German guy tells me too that he has recently been relying on this self-help book about happiness that he finds very useful in this period where he is still struggling to heal from his break. 

He would tease me jokingly about my passion for questions with statements like: "Is this interview over?" Or "Are you a psychologist?" Or "Oh wait, I need to write this down" which I find extremely playful and amusing. The guy does have some original sense of humour, and he's German. How interesting.

The initial plan was for us to have tea at his place for about an hour or so and then I'll head home to the simple chicken and rosemary waiting for me in the refrigerator. But surprisingly, the man decided to ask me to join him for dinner. I have to admit that it's always nice to have somebody further reaffirm the idea that they like your presence with requests like this.

    "I thought you already have dinner plans with your gay friend? He cooked dinner tonight and is expecting you isn't he?", I asked. 
    "No it's okay. I'm gonna call him and his boyfriend and tell them now I'll see them another day. I like being with you. You make me feel very comfortable."
      "Uh... Sure! I can eat with you."

We went out to a Vietnamese restaurant just a couple of blocks away. After dinner, we walked back to his street. During the commute, I thought about whether I was going to head home straight, or follow him back up to his apartment for a little taste of "German dessert". 

Upon arrival at the entrance of his building, my beating heart made the decision to head back upstairs to use his bathroom for real, and also to give us a proper moment to say goodbye. 

As prophesised, my chance of a goodbye hug became a kiss, which became a make out that sent my blood levels soaring like pillow feathers. We kissed so much and I couldn't get myself to stop, nor did I wanted it to end. 

When I finally came to my senses that I needed to catch the last bus home, I was already standing in his room with my pants open. I told him that I really needed to go and that we can meet again for coffee tomorrow and continue this. He agreed. On the bus home, I couldn't help but wonder if I should have stayed over when he offered. "We need to get married so you will stay", I replayed some of the cheesy things he said to me in my head.

The next day as promised, I was pressing on the intercom to his building again and the other end responded in a deep robotic voice going: "German embassy. Come on up 4th floor." I laughed. 

We were hanging out in his apartment again. However this time with my bowl of tea still full, we were already making out and adjourning into his bedroom to get naked. I suppose yesterday's built-up of rapport certainly saved us a lot of time today. 

In his room, the sex wasn't mind-blowingly amazing, but it was certainly very enjoyable. His body was just as good as it looks with clothes on and without. It was athletically defined and kinda chiseled which was so exciting. He could tell that I adored his biceps, his chest and his torso due to the way I kept caressing it like a boy who has never touched such good body parts up close and naked before. He hardens them for me and I love it every time.

His original sense of humour doesn't stop outside, he brings it into the bedroom. There were three very distinct moments in bed which showed me just what type of character this guy really can be. The first one would be the part where he was about to give me a blowjob, and while under the covers, he grabbed my tool like a microphone and started speaking into it like a radio DJ on air.

The second one concerned my ass, where before rimming, he would spread and re-close my butt cheeks vigorously in emulation of one's lips while voicing over each movement, effectively making my ass a talking ass.

The third would be at the end of our session where after dressing up and trying to make sure I didn't leave anything in his room or on his bed, he reenacted a slightly shocked face and teased: "Oh wait, where is your virginity? You lost it. Right here!" 

I gave him a gentle punch and we both laughed. "Well if you must know", I said, "I lost that a while ago last year." He took a moment to apologise if his weird sense of humour made things uncomfortable. I reassured him that it's fine and that he should be celebrating his originality as there aren't many people who can get joy so easily.

After the sex, I stay cuddled in bed with him for about forty minutes. And without realising, the late afternoon quickly turned into a dark evening. He asked me to stay again with him for dinner, but seeing as how we've just spend too many hours with each other within two consecutive days, I prefer not to ruin a good thing because I was starting to feel a little suffocated myself. He kept telling me how great I make him feel. We kept in touch over the weekend via text messages and WhatsApp.

About a week later, we hung out again. In fact, I saw him a couple more times over coffee and two amazing Italian dinners, of which none of them consisted of sex. There is one bizarre thing however that I've come to notice, is that the alarm clock on his phone is set to ring at almost every interval. And whenever it does, he doesn't turn it off. He simply just snoozes it and it will ring again in the middle of our conversation. The process repeats itself one too many times that I feel it has to be something significant. He told me is his way of keeping track of time although something in my head felt that that didn't make sense.

The rooftop of his building is amazing too. Once he took me up there for a tour and I was just completely blown away by the panoramic view. Damn you could see everything! The harbour, the bridge, the Opera House, the observation tower, the city skyline. He reconfirmed that the new year's barbecue party and fireworks viewing from this spot is as exciting as it is socially fun. After all, he lives in a gay neighbourhood. Aw man, I wanna be here for that!

The other thing I'd like to highlight concerning the behaviour on my part that is not so polite, is my wandering eye. I don't know if it's because I'm in a good-looking gay neighbourhood, or if it's because I haven't gotten my guy fever under control, my eyes are predisposed to wander  a lot and I think he notices. I felt bad and I talked to him about it.

During our time together, he and I talk about a wide variety of subjects. A couple of memorable discussions and lessons I've learnt or have had the privilege of talking about included:

  • How systematic German society operates, along with the purpose and scientific thinking behind how the country runs as a collective. I remember telling him how fascinated I am with nations and empires and how a country is being run. In the end, I could identify for myself, the positives and also the negatives in which a society or a country is born and built out of a certain way of thinking.
  • The topic of money and personal wealth. Any advice on this matter? Has he defined his relationship with money? Has it always been good, steady and abundant? He said that there was a point in his life when he was making lots and lots of cash everyday. It was a foo and beverage business venture which unexpectedly made him very rich. However, it took away his freedom seven days a week for a couple of years due to strict commitments. He mentioned that there comes a point in life where the money isn't worth it anymore at the expense of your happiness. And so, he let that business go and went back to full time employment. Of which he gets to travel a lot.
  • His ability to pick out some of my fears, me nervousness and my worries. He asked me one night about my constant nervous energy in being a worrywart. Are you always this anxious? I can tell that you don't seem to be in the present. You seem to be living in the future. He was right, and I thought immediately about the lesson in this post.
  • How my character and the person that I am, reminds him very strongly of this German friend, who is a friend of a friend of another friend. The guy was somewhat lost halfway in life and was trying to find himself when he set up his own company to try and help organisations solve problems relating to their efficiency, success, productivity, performance etc. The company consist of a small team of experts who are commissioned by organisations to step in and help them solve problems relating to management communications, office structure, human resource etc. Initially when he conceived the idea, people thought that it was a stupid. But now, their company has successfully amassed a portfolio consisting of big clients in Europe. This story gives me hope in the sense that I might actually possess skills and traits which have yet to find its right platform to be valued, as opposed to me thinking all the time that I am for lack of a better word, stupid or not smart enough to perform at a professional level.
  • Finally learning the magic Italian word "acqua del rubinetto" from a friendly Italian waiter during one of our dinners. It is the French equivalent of saying "une carafe d'eau" for which travellers need to pronounce when visiting restaurants in Italy and in France to make sure they get free tap water without having to pay for the all expensive bottled sparkling. "Acqua del rubinetto" kids, remember that.

On the last evening when we hung out in his apartment (although I didn't know it at the time that it was going to be our last) I was seated upright on the couch and he was lying down with his head on my lap. I was massaging certain spots on his forehead and he was caressing me lightly.

It was at that surreal moment that I suddenly had this strangely erotic but personal moment in myself where I started to open up to the possibility of liking this man for real. Could we grow to like this man for real? Is he a potential guy to be in a relationship with? Wait, he wouldn't even tell us his age. Shouldn't we be with somebody our age? I don't know.

That night he suggested that we give a sleepover a try before I leave the city. He said he really wants to wake up to me in the morning, make me breakfast and see how things can go between us. Initially I was hesitant, but seeing as how much he really wants this, I agreed to do it and we settled on a day.

As our sleepover date approaches, he seemed to have been awfully quiet. I texted him, only to receive a reply the night before that he's actually been sick the whole time. I offered to pay him a visit to make him some food but he needed to rest. So I left it as it is.

The sleepover then never materialised as the date of my leaving approaches. On the day of my departure, I texted him goodbye and told him to take care of himself, although deep inside, I was a little unhappy at the fact that he didn't deliver what he said he would. 

He texted back to say that he has been struggling lately with his breakup and has withdrawn himself. Upon reading what he wrote, I gave him a very supportive reply and suddenly felt like I had no legitimate grounds to feel upset. Since then, him and I never spoke again and I've looked forward.