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Saturday, 18 June 2016

Stalking An Australian Hoplite at the Gym

This post was written 6 months ago, but never published. So here it is.

My gym is an international fitness franchise and has locations all over the world. So being the restless and 'lovesick' boy that I am, I of course had to check out the local facilities when I go abroad and I'm lucky enough to be back here again in the city by the Yarra.

The branches of my gym here in the city accommodate many very hot and attractive guys. From Greek gods to handsome hoplites, masculine scruff to the cute guy next door, you name it. If only there was some way a guy like me could make slow lazy love to them all.

A few days before this incident, a curious thought floated into my head.  And the thought was that if my current life wasn't real, and if I could start over and be born a hot guy in this city, what kind of hot guy would I like to be? How would I like myself to look and to move? Will that really solve my problems and make me happy? It was an impractical thought but still it came.

So cutting to the main guest of this post, he was this bad-boyish Australian hoplite that my heart got irrationally carried away again. It was similar to my infatuation for the dream boy from Montréal, you know the type that makes you fantasise about marriage and waking up to him in bed. But at least this time I am less crazy than I was four years ago having never even touched a man before in my life.

I first laid eyes on him when he walked in all tall, blonde and suited up from work. It was all very 'Collin Street' in the Melburnian saying or slang. I was working out in the free weights area when he walked over and occupied the last bench on the far left, getting ready for his killer chest exercises. He looked impeccable in his work-out clothes that accentuated his big arms, his wide back and those tanned strong legs. The way his blonde hair dovetailed over his perfectly chiseled face, those bright blue eyes and stubble studded male model jawline. It was out of this world.

Throughout the entire time he was there, I couldn't concentrate on my bicep curls. I tried as hard as I could not to stare like a crazy stalker, but in the end, even that didn't escape his notice. I guess he gets this a lot too from both guys and girls. Sometimes I don't know whether to look away in order not to make him uncomfortable, or to continue the eye-contact to let him know that I am checking him out. 

I couldn't explain it, but my heart was tensed on strings knowing that we are breathing the same air. All I wanted more than anything at that particular moment was for us to lie intimately in each other's arms and for him to tell me how much he loves me and that I love him. Stupid mind fantasies.

After what felt like the longest lingering behaviour on my part, I decided that I have to wake up now and walk away from this impossible dream and smitten trance. But one who has read my stories would know how well that has worked out for me in the past. 

Despite being physically away in the locker room from him, I couldn't get him out of my head. I wanted to catch a glimpse of his topless front chest and those hoplite abs to see how they look like. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'm blinded by male desire.

So after a little bit more of loitering around here and there, I was in luck. He finally came into the locker room and undressed into his towel and shorts in preparation for the steam room. I too was headed for the steam room but wasn't sure if he was going to shower or get steamed up. For some reason, the showers and steam rooms are not very popular with the men here as they are back home. Members here tend to leave immediately after their work out. So no surreptitious cruising and hot homosexual fun? Come on!

Australian Hoplite went into the dry sauna with shorts when I was actually hoping he and I could sit in the more visually private steam room. In the spirit of not wanting him to think I'm stalking him, I took a detour and went into the steam room alone to try and get over him. 

But guess what? My weak heart and the slut in me changed my mind in less than a minute upon entering the steam room and I shamelessly walked across the tiled hall to the dry sauna to be close to him. I hear the inner voice go "Oh Jesus M, you have no shame. There's not a medical pill in the world that could cure you!

The moment I entered the dry sauna, you could feel that he knew something was up but could only keep that thought to himself. It's one of those scenarios where you know someone is hovering around you too much, but you can never confront it head on because then it would seem like you have insecurity issues in a 'we're all men here bro' world. Yes babe, I'm in here and I want to cuddle you, make out with you and fall into your golden arms over a romantic afternoon picnic under the shade of a maple tree. Just the two of us.

You wouldn't believe the close up view I have of his entire beauty in there. His chest, his arms, his abs and his quads. It was then while looking at him that I found my impractical answer to the impractical question I pondered earlier about what kind of hot guy would I want to be? On what scale? On what terms and on what looks? Him would be good. I want to be him. He must be on top of the world, I thought. Or as many of us tend to shallowly believe based upon appearance.

In the past, I would have crumbled to the ground on the inside as demonstrated in the many entries written over the years about my unresolved issues with hot guys that has its roots submerged in very bad self-esteem. 

But after going through so much emotional pain and therapy work to come out of such a dark and unhealthy state of mind, I was glad that I could now see and be around very hot guys and still stand firm with the will to move and carry on with my life as myself rather than push myself off the cliff to annihilation. In other words, I no longer blow out my own candle or extinguish my own light out of unworthiness in the presence of something seemingly brighter.

Anyway after a while, I started to feel bad about how my actions could have made him so uncomfortable. Even though he's a very hot guy, but he's a human being too. In the spirit of wanting to diffuse the tension and also to humanise him in the eyes of my unreasonable animal attraction, I decided to talk to him. 

Maybe by talking to him, I would start to see him as a person, an individual rather than the fantasy sexual concept of him in my head. This proved to be a viable solution as him and I had a nice chat and it suddenly brought out a different kind of energy between us. A part of me was hoping for him to say something arrogant or dismissive to make him look like a jerk for my own selfishness, but fortunately or unfortunately he was a very nice guy.

Australian hoplite was twenty eight and lives in Richmond which really shocked me as he looked very mature in the masculine sense. I had the impression that he was actually just blossoming into his very hot late thirties or forties. Knowing full well that he is so close to my age and already has an amazingly successful career and looks what he looks, I felt so inferior and so lost about my own life.

I remember thinking at that point that even if he was gay, he would be insanely out of my league. Like a mere mortal who looks to the moon. I mean let's get real here M. Why would he be with a guy like us? And even if he is with us, how naive can we be not to acknowledge that our own inner issues of insecurity and instability will start to wobble and eventually topple the entire dream?

After the chat, he was ready to leave for the showers. But before he left, he actually reached out his hand and ask for my name. Which felt refreshingly nice because firstly, I'm always the one asking hot guys' for their names. And secondly, because I told myself that I was going to put a firm non-negotiable leash on my stalking behaviour and not ask for his name. Yes, I do have those discussions with myself on the inside.

The shower cubicles at the gym are made out of frosted translucent barriers, enabling everyone to see at least forty percent of the skin-coloured contour and body shape of what goes on on the inside. While venturing into the showers, I was so tempted to take the cubicle next to his, but stopped myself firmly from committing anymore insanity. I walked down further through the hall to the other showers and made sure I left him alone.

Back outside the locker rooms when we were both changing at a distance from each other, I realised how much this encounter with the Australian hoplite reminded me of my run-in with the dream boy from Montréal four years ago. And just like that time, I knew that if I don't in some way do my part in getting his contact now as we cross paths, he will be forever lost in the ocean of people and life. I'm not saying that anything concrete between us is going to happen, or if the guy is even gay, but I still like the idea of being able to 'reach him'. 

This act was more for my peace of mind. It was to know that I did everything I could to keep him in my orbit than to walk away and regret later about the hot guy I once met. There is a wonderful saying once mentioned by my Asian friend which goes something like "Planning lies with man, the outcome with God or the heavens"  and I have come very much to live by that sentence everyday.

Considering my personal restriction of not wanting to ask him for his contact, I had to grow an even thicker face and courage to walk over to him to give him my name card instead. Yes, shamelessly, ruthlessly and daringly. The strategy was to put myself on the line with my chips, and I will leave it to you to make the connection and raise my move. If it doesn't happen, I will know that I've done my part and this connection just isn't meant to be.

Over the next two days, I could no longer contain my thoughts and revealed the entire story to two horrified female friends who although found my story very entertaining and comical, but yet didn't shy away from giggling hair-raisingly at my cringe-worthy actions. "Oh my God, M! I can't believe you did all that thing you said you did."

It was only then when I was working out some thoughts with them that I realised I have absentmindedly grown into a persistent guy who takes risk with people and don't mind being a fool for a couple of hours. I told them that in order to do what I do, one really has to grow some serious balls, be shameless, be unafraid of rejection and to be unafraid of embarrassing themselves.

For each time that you confront your feelings or chase after the possibility of an opportunity, you might have risked your ego, decency or the all important "self-respect" your mind tells you that you have for a short period, but in the long run, you actually gain much more in terms of expanding your own psychological freedom, courage and a higher vantage view of human life.

Tuesday, 24 May 2016

Any Fitness Experts Out There Who Can Advise Me on Muscle Building?

Hi guys, I need some help. I was wondering if there are any gym-goers, fitness experts, bodybuilders or personal trainers out there who read this journal? Especially those who are knowledgeable in the area of helping Ectomorphs overcome their stubborn body? I just checked my weight at the gym today and I am helplessly frustrated.

I'm having some problems in my progress of trying to put on more muscle after having put on some. I feel that my growth is extremely slow and I'm currently stuck at a plateau where my muscles mass or body weight isn't increasing. It feels like no matter how much I lift or squeeze, my body just wouldn't bust through my current weight and it's frustrating me out. I have been talking to people, putting myself through trial and error and have been doing research but still no major breakthrough in my body.

Perhaps I am under-lifting, under-eating, or that my work out routine and rep ranges are all wrong? I'm not sure. I would appreciate if someone could willingly take a look at my case or situation and help pinpoint the possible cause. Maybe recommend a solution or advise me? I can provide a journal of my work-outs for the past few months and some information on the supplements I'm taking.

My purpose here is not to 'look' for a trainer, but merely would like to get in touch with someone who can guide me or help me so that I can train myself and achieve my own goal with my own efforts.

Any bodybuilding gym goers or 'people with connections' willing to help a guy out here? If you're willing, please email: gninvisible@gmail.com so that we can talk more. I will be forever grateful. Thank you so much in advance.

Saturday, 14 May 2016

Difficulty Concentrating & Staying Focus In Life

I'm going to use this space to talk a little bit about an issue I've been trying to overcome. In the current successful millennium that we live in, people often speak a lot about the important need to stay focus and goal oriented. Especially for a guy like myself who is considered to be at an age where your ambitious hard work should be paired diligently with great focus to achieving your real world goals. You are supposed to wake up hungry every morning with the drive and mentality of success. Entrepreneurial magazines say it, self-development articles say it, motivational public figures say it.

I know I read these self-improvement things all the time, but when I introspect on the way I think and function in life, I'm actually no where close to achieving that kind of successful energy. In fact, as an adult in my late twenties, I still find myself struggling a lot like a kid in my basic ability to concentrate and stay focus in life. It is like unconscious living or sleep walking your way through being alive.

Whether it's in the form of daydreaming, excessive over-thinking, or even dragging the past into the future and vice versa in the middle of my present, my overwhelming mind has a tendency to astral project itself to hundreds of thoughts and matters all the time. The analogy equivalent would be that it resembles an Internet browser that is constantly trying to load and process hundreds of tabs all at the same time which is fatal to 'staying on path' and can feel very disempowering.

These behaviours, although happen a lot in my everyday repertoires, often has a tendency to reach its peak of conquest whenever I am required to 'sit down' or pool my energy to complete a task. During those moments, my concentration just wouldn't be able to find its center and starts going places. And because of this, I feel so disconnected to life and it worries me. The worry then leads to unnecessary guilt and anxiousness because I can't seem to conjure up the mental discipline to correct my bad patterns.

From time to time when I try to swap agendas up at hand in order to keep the mind interested and hooked, my thoughts then now worry about the previous task. Kinda like when you're on the computer, you think of your bed, but when you go to bed, you think of all the tasks on the computer you could have done if you had just concentrated and be disciplined. 

And on top of everything, my mental indiscipline occasionally gets so bad that all I end up thinking about or could ever think about is, yes you guessed it, sex. I don't even know if other guys could relate to this, but yes I think about sex all the time. And I really mean all the time. It is like my sex thoughts now share the same urgency as breathing. It pops into my head at every chance it gets and lingers for as long as my libido isn't sated.

Sometimes, things get so extreme that I have to halt whatever it is I'm doing on emergency hold in order to go jerk myself off a few rounds before coming back to my tasks. And even so, new sex thoughts tend to arise, and I will have to re-administer a second or a third or a fourth jerk to wash it out of my system. 

All that lack of collectivity, coupled with sex daydreaming makes me a very idle and highly unproductive person. In the end, days and months and years go by and all I end up being if I were to be truly honest, is an unconscious person that gets swept away by the current of his thoughts while 'existing' in life. Like an individual without his anchor.

As I write this down, I'm starting to wonder if my lack of mental control and discipline could actually have its roots embedded deep within my longtime struggle as a human being to get myself to stay centered in life. In other words, the mindful practice of being engaged with reality or the present. Could this stubborn mind of mine who refuses to be grounded breed an unmindful person who is now often never fully present or engaged with the pending reality that is in front of him?

Recently, I got to thinking a lot about the concept of unconsciousness, consciousness awakening. Consciousness of the mind I feel in this context, is the ability to stay centered, on path and fully awake in the current reality in front and not be carried away by your thoughts and sensual desires. Knowing full well what you need to do and what is needed to be done in order to keep moving forward towards achieving goals and attaining progress.

Mental unconsciousness could range from not noticing what happened between your drive home from the supermarket, to not knowing how you got from 22 to 27 within a span of five years. What I'm currently experiencing, the struggle for concentration and presence in reality, is a form of unconsciousness. Whereby I allow myself to be easily pulled by thoughts and drown in the my own tsunami of naval-gazing that sabotages my progress rather than take control. I haven't exactly figured out the details of what the plan is and how I am going to overcome this, but writing it down is definitely the first step towards therapeutic healing, followed by the next conscious course of action.

Friday, 22 April 2016

When A Sauna Cruise Chooses Another Over You

One of the guilty pleasures I look forward to after my work out at the gym is some man-on-man fun in the gent's locker room. I have often associate the art of cruising for sex to the act of fishing. A fisherman who goes to the watering hole with his fishing rod isn't guaranteed a fish every single time. Sometimes he goes home successfully with the catch of his choice and sometimes he goes home empty handed when the tide is not in his favour.

Recently, my statistical success rate of scoring a guy for some sauna fun is probably less than fifteen percent. These days I often end up jerking myself off alone in the cubicle nine out of ten cruising attempts. I don't know if it's my luck, or just unfavourable market times.

But what about those days when you literally are on your way to a successful catch, only to have that fish choose another candidate over you? Well, two of such incidents happened to me over the past month.

INCIDENT 1

About two weeks ago, this Asian gym member who I've previously had some fun with came to park himself next to me in the dry sauna. It didn't take long before our toes were rubbing and caressing each other firmly to signal availability and interest. The plan was to wait for the other guys to leave and for us to be completely alone in the privacy of the sauna before we could take things further.

But as soon as the last person left and I was on the verge of fondling him with my hands, another guy comes in to use the sauna. This guy was a very hot guy. He was jacked and good-looking with a chiseled face and body. In fact, I've chatted with him before and am well aware that he is straight. I've even attempted to cruise him in the sauna, but never succeeded.

Almost immediately, I could see the switch in Asian guy's behaviour and his body language. Not only did he halted all signals, but withdrew his interest in me after seeing jacked guy come in. I rolled my eyes in disbelief and annoyance. "Oh for Christ sake, yes yes that's C and he's a very hot guy. And I'll even do you one extra bit by admitting that I am nothing with him around. But could you be any more subtle with the way you pulled out of the water?"

I know for a fact that hot guy is straight and unattainable, but seeing as how Asian guy is shamelessly drooling all over him, my guess is that he has never met or mingled with him before. So I decided to leave foolish to be foolish and left for a quick rinse.

After five minutes, I couldn't wait to come back into the sauna just to see how Asian guy is progressing. True enough, my hunch is verified when the two of them were shooting the breeze, but mostly with Asian guy asking the question and hot guy answering with friendly one liners.

"Let's play a game and guess who started the conversation?", the inner mean child thought sarcastically in my head. I rolled my eyes again and shot Asian guy a disdaining stare even though he couldn't see my face.

Shortly after I left to shower for real and change. Within the span of time that I was in the locker room, my ego was churning out legions of thoughts, ranging from 'how dare you', to displays of hurt and bitterness. Yes, that was my ego who feels the need to defend its bruised self. I'm only human. 

But once I allowed these emotions to run its course within the evening, they dissipate as quickly as it came charging, and I was finally able to rationalise with maturity that I hold no control over these things. Over what other people do, what other people choose to do, how they react, how they behave, how they change their minds. It is certainly none of my business and I should definitely not take these things personally to heart.

INCIDENT 2

Another incident happened today. This nice looking brown meat was hanging around the shower corridors since I started my work out 90 minutes ago. "Damn. That guy is still hanging around in the sauna since I came! He must be really horny", I smiled satisfyingly in my head, knowing that I was going to indulge him in a little man-on-man fun.

After changing into my towel, I wasted no time and got to cruising. I shot him eye-contact and displayed my lose towel in the steam room. However, due to the many other chess pieces that were present on scene, brown meat and I always had intervals of seconds alone before somebody else walks in. We could hardly even fondle each other properly.

This whole coming and going does sometimes take its toll on a candidate who does not have the time nor patience to stay till the very end. But I was so confident that this guy who has been here for more than an hour, wasn't going to leave until he gets the happy ending with me. Well I was wrong.

Later on, another guy with a bald spot came in to use the steam room. He was taller, has more weight and probably in his forties. I didn't really care for his presence and just continued to play my game of chase with brown meat between the steam room and the dry sauna.

It was only when all of us were coincidentally squeezed into the dry sauna at one point that my animal instincts were literally barking to me, as loud and clear like it was spoken directly to my consciousness that there was "cruising energy" between bald spot guy and my brown meat. I swear I didn't witness anything and I have no idea how I knew, but I just knew.

"Aw come on. Are we being sensitive? That bald spot guy just came like 5 minutes ago and we were here first. They've never even displayed any cruising signs." Then I sat there thinking about my next move. If my instinctive observation is right, should I release him and leave him be?

I have a rule in my book that says if a candidate is greedy and is engaging some other guy while you're cruising me or already cruised me, he can forget about us having fun as I will let him go. I know this sound very egotistical but I really don't want to be taken as an option.

Then as I observed the three of us in the sauna while those thoughts ran through my mind, it hit me that if brown meat is really interested in bald spot guy, I am now their cockblocker. So I decided to leave voluntarily for a quick rinse in the showers to give them their space.

True enough when I came back out, I saw the two of them entering into the last shower cubicle together and I went back alone inside the sauna. Throughout the next few minutes, my mind just wouldn't leave the two guys alone. I was jealous about what happened and how I became a second choice.

I thought after all that "big internal speech" and self-reassurance talk I would actually be unaffected, but I was. I couldn't decide if it was jealousy, hurt, upset or sadness. Perhaps it was all four? I think it was my ego. It was bruised and bitter that someone chose someone else over us. For a taller man? A weightier man? A manlier man? I don't know.

"M, whoever other people choose or cruise is none of your business. People have the right to change their mind and they don't owe you anything. It's just business and you shouldn't take it personally", I hear my internal rationalisation dialogue go.

After giving myself some time to feel what I needed to feel, I willingly let go for real and listen to the words that was spoken to myself. But looking back in hindsight, I actually came to the realisation that had I not been so sexually hungry, and had I been in a more sated condition, it really wouldn't bother me at all that a sauna cruise chose another person. Like how they say, you are not you when you are hungry, upset or frustrated.

But I can't help but wonder, if I were to ever see the same candidates again from the two incident and I'm sure I will, should I deny them the possibility of fun again or should I drown the ego to get what I want, which is to score? What do you guys think? If you were in my shoes, will you give these guys who previously chose someone over you a chance at fun again? I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Monday, 16 November 2015

The Time I Had Fun In A Public Car Park

This post was written last year, but never published. So here it is.

It's been two weeks since my last sex date. Hence I was feeling restless and irritated. I wasn't expecting anything to materialise that afternoon when an unexpected 'Hi' came from this Dutch-Aussie profile on Grindr.

I couldn't remember what his display picture was, but I knew it was one of those attractive but risky pictures. Risky at the fact that they were quite blur and didn't fully outline exactly what I was walking into. We exchanged some short messages before I finally asked him what he was up to.

    "You really wanna know? I'm actually on my way to getting a blowjob from someone now. Just being honest here, lol", read his Grindr text bubble.
    "Damn! Someone beat me to it. You know what? When you're done with him, let's meet for round two", I replied.
    "Join us then! We're meeting at the car park next to McDonalds. We can all get together and suck each other off. Come on, the more the better."
     "Sure. That sounds fun! What's your number?"
     "No number dude. Just meet on the multi-level car park next to McDonalds now. Go up the ramp and find a white car."

It took me a while to decide properly if I was really going to go ahead with this, and I did. One of the biggest rules I live by is that I usually never agree on a sex date without first getting some form of legitimate phone number where I can call or at least a clear picture. But unfortunately this time, I was desperate for some action, any action at all. So I left the coffee house immediately and walked for about 10 minutes to the multi-level car park a few blocks away as agreed.

As I arrived, I walked up the ramp and started paying very close attention to anybody who was loitering around a white car as told. I've never done this before so you can imagine how leery I was regarding my surroundings. Then I came to the end of a wall, there was indeed a white car and a guy standing behind it but I wasn't exactly sure if he was the third party. He noticed the way I was pacing around the car park and immediately recognised that I was here for some fun.

     "Hey", he nodded his head in acknowledgement.
     "Hi", I walked up to him and introduce myself with a handshake.
     "So where is the other guy?" I asked.
     "He should be here any minute."
     "How long have you been waiting?"
     "I've been standing here rubbing my dick for a good twenty minutes."

This guy must be really horny, I thought. He wasn't the hot guy type, but he definitely has a cute face. 

     "So did he say where he was? I asked for a number but he wouldn't give me one", I told him.
     "Yeah me too. Do you still have him on your Grindr? Text him there and see what he says."

The Dutch-Aussie candidate was already offline but I left him multiple text bubbles. Then the third guy who was with me suggested that we wait inside the car instead of just standing around suspiciously. 

Within minutes after we got into the car, we could no longer hold our itchy hands to ourselves and started to touch each other. I would bent over and blow him and he would bend over and reciprocate enthusiastically at intervals. To be honest, I never expected an impromptu hook-up in a public car park to be so exciting and enjoyable. The guy has great oral and touching skills.

Sometimes we even had to momentarily suspend all activities when crowds of people would walk past our car on their way to theirs, and resume only when the coast is clear. At the rate we were going, we would have finished before the party was complete. So halfway through, we decided to stop and wait for the second guy to arrive.

After waiting for another 20 minutes with no reply, it dawned on us that the missing person who arranged this sex date in the first place wasn't going to show up. Which wasn't surprising considering all the signs that were pointing to this happening. So in the end we finished ourselves off without him in his white car. 

     "You sure it's okay that we finish off in your car, I don't want to make a mess out of it", I asked.
     "It's okay, it's rented", he said with a smile.
     "What?"
     "Yeah, I was going to drive up to my parents after this so it's a rented car."
     "Oh."

The guy let me jerked myself off to ejaculation in the vehicle, but it was a small load so it was manageable with tissues. When I wanted to finish him off, he told me that as horny and as bad as hell he needs to come, his overwhelming need to pee since we met is preventing me from doing the job, otherwise he will really end up releasing more than he should and make an unwanted mess out of the situation.

Before we parted ways, I think I might have felt a moment in his eyes that he wanted to ask me for my contact, while at the same time, trying to work it out in his head if he should respect the principles of anonymity. But in the end, we went our separate ways. It wasn't only after it was all over that it hit me that the way the entire experience unfolded, I could have, in a moment of vulnerable desperation put myself in harm's way. I would like to remind other guys reading this to take mindful precaution rather than follow in my emotional foot step.