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Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Brief Fun In A Frosted Glass Cubicle

Two days ago, after my work out at another branch of my gym, I decided to check out their saunas again to see if this one has any potential cruising activities. My three-way shower at the home base gym last week has definitely reinstated my curiosity and sense of itch in matters pertaining to sauna affairs.

So as I entered the wet sauna, there was a man lying on the bench with his towel precariously draped over his groin. His eyes were serenely closed and the candidate didn't seem to be affected by my entrance. I couldn't gauge if he too was on "courtship display" or just purely enjoying the steam room.

Within five minutes, another shorter guy entered the wet sauna and adjusted his seating position in a way that it advertises conspicuously that he was up for grabs. However, I wasn't attracted to him so I remained still.

After about forty-five seconds, I adjourned to the vacant dry sauna next door where within minutes, the shorter guy came in too. So this back and forth between the wet and dry sauna went on for about fifteen minutes until I decided I no longer wanted to wait any longer for someone I like to turn up. Where are all the damn hot guys? Oh well, I guess sometimes you catch a fish, sometimes you don't.

The thing I've come to realise about cruising is how much time it consumes when you're not in luck, in the right place or at the right time. The constant waiting and anticipation to see if an attractive fish of your fancy happens to respond to your hook does consume a lot of time and energy which could otherwise be put to better use. 

So whenever I feel I've had enough with the waiting around, I would just head to a cubicle to shower and jerk myself off to get rid of the built-up sexual energy that has me thinking with my libido as opposed to my human mind. Whether it was the adrenaline, the sexually charged air, or the hormones after all the work out, this is the only effective plan I've devised in order to bring myself not to care about how much fun other guys could have, would have or will have. "Whatever happens in the sauna after you're freshly cleaned and showered up is no longer any of your business", I hear myself say.

I was showering in one of the end cubicles that bordered a solid wall on my left when coincidentally, someone entered the cubicle next to my right. The thin partition between us was heavily frosted glass, of which you can slightly see the shadow and movement of the other person. The twenty centimeter ground to ankle gap on partition allows you to see the reflective movement, shadow and gushing water emanating from your neighbour. In other words, the perfect bathroom design fit for cruising in an all male shower room.

Being the playful and curious person that I am, I thought if I noticed the ground, I'm sure my neighbour does too. So I casually placed my feet on the technically invisible frontier between our cubicles, with only one toe having invaded illegally into his part of the floor space, like one would do at a Franco-Belgian border within the European Union.

I tried it out of curiosity, and surprisingly my neighbour responded with his own foot. It didn't take long before our foot was rubbing and caressing off each other as an invitation. I bent down, put my hands between the gap and waved subtly for him to come over. Could he be that same guy from the sauna we weren't into?

I turned off my shower, unlocked my door and waited. As he swiftly glided into my cubicle, I noticed that he was indeed the same shorter guy in the wet sauna earlier that I wasn't attracted to. But I thought: "Oh well, we can't all get the fish we want all the time. A man's body is still a man's body, let's just try and enjoy the moment and the opportunity which has been presented to us."

So nothing much happened in the cubicle except for a couple of blowjobs, kissing and caressing under the running water. Within five minutes, I suggested for us to jerk to climax because I got bored and wanted to finish things off. I came and asked if he did, but he gave me some confusing signals for which I don't know if it's a yes or a no. After some minor cleaning up, I opened the door slightly and made sure the coast is clear before telling him it's safe to exit. He left and I continued showering, reflecting on what just happened and also brainstormed on more ideas as to what I can write on this journal to help more people.

Monday, 20 July 2015

My Three-Way Shower At The Gym Today

I know I'm supposed to be working on the articles pertaining to my unfinished adventures in Australia from last year, but something interesting happened to me at the gym today that I just couldn't pass up on the opportunity to write this down in hopes that it will continue to guide gay and bisexual novices everywhere around the world, particularly for those who live in nations where homosexuality is still not an open book.

I've recently re-joined a gym again. I was a little sick of not doing anything that would contribute to the expansion of my physical wealth. So I took concrete action so to speak towards investing in a healthier and more attractive body. I would use the weights and the machines, and sometimes after I go for a swim.

The gym is thrilling place to be. I'm not sure if it's the adrenaline, the hormones or the sexual energy in the air, but I'm always in a state of constant arousal when I'm there. Especially when I'm in the male locker room or the sauna. You have no idea how many times I have turned to the sacred gay apps to see if I might get lucky, but unfortunately nobody in the gym was either gay nor on Grindr or Hornet. Oh come on! You don't expect me to believe that there is not a single guy here in the gym that might be open to a little man on man?

My gym has a dry and a wet sauna, both small and functional without much space to move around. May I point out that this is a proper sauna at a fitness centre where one uses it as a real sauna, and nothing like the last two gay bath houses I visited years ago in London where the true purpose of the facility is for you to cruise other guys.

Every time after a good work out, I always look forward to using the sauna. For some reason, I adore the wet one. There is something about the steam, the heat and the arousing moisture on your sweaty wet skin in a dimly lit room that seem to accentuate everybody's body parts. A guy's biceps, shoulder and chest becomes insanely more appetizing than it really is when in there.

For weeks, on top of wanting to get my muscles to relax when using the sauna, I've also been on constant high alert in case any potential gay or bisexual guy comes along. However after many visits, nothing hopeful ever materializes. Maybe there really is no gay nonsense in this gym?

But you know, being the person that I am, I never give up and refused to believe that my fantasy of a little gym fun would never come through. During those days where I couldn't find anything, I would visualize a time and know affirmatively in my heart that one day, just one day, someone will be in here with me and I will score! I know it in my heart. Call it the Law of Attraction, call it hopeful determination, I was fired up.

So you can imagine my elation when my lucky day came to fruition today! After a nice cool down swim at the gymnasium pool, I was feeling itchy and went to my locker to retrieve my phone to check on my respective "fishing nets". Grindr, nothing. Jack'd, nothing. Hornet, nothing. Blued, nothing. Planet Romeo, nothing. Aargh!

I have been longing hungrily for a man's naked body against mine for some time now, but because nothing ever came up, I knock that thought out of my head and tried to move on to my usual routine.

However, being the persistent guy that I am, I will not rest until I am sure to have given every last bit of effort. So I walked into the dry sauna with the intention to see if anybody attractive was there. There was a man, but nothing about him seems to suggest that he is anything other than a regular gym member.

So after my forty second countdown was up, I walked out and thrillingly let myself into the wet sauna next door. In there, there were two guys seated closely side by side. One shorter and the other taller. As soon as I walked in, I liked what I saw and attempted some eye-contact with the tall guy which come to think of it, wasn't very useful at all in a dimly lit space covered in steam.

Oh yes! Good meat detected. Good meat detected! I grin like an evil detective who is about to incriminate an undercover culprit who may or may not be gay. Now let's see if it responds to this little cruising game gay men play.

I parked myself closely on the right of the taller guy and ignorantly made a note in my head to ignore the shorter guy on the other side as some regular gym member without giving it any further thought. I made sure that my towel was loosely draped over my thigh, exposing some "weak points" so that one might get the idea.

The sauna door wasn't closed properly after my entrance, leaving a small gap. The taller guy stretched his hands out to shut it close and I took the opportunity to establish some form of exchange.

"Sorry", I apologised sincerely, but every part of my being is smiling devilishly in the dark and eyeing this guy like a North Korean soldier inspecting the legendary DMZ for weak points. How are we going to break him? I swear even if he is not gay, I will introduce him to the pleasures of man on man fun.

"It's okay", he responded subtly. Oh, a response! Check! I guess there's hope. I leaned back and visually molested his entire body with my eyes from the side and from his back, with or without his awareness I don't know. Oh baby, look at those chest, I want to bury my face in it and throw in some oral torment! Those arms. God, I'm hungry.

My blood boiled on top of the temperature in that room and I felt my hard erection in full height. I watched him closely to see if he would casually turn his head to look at me. It seemed like he did, it seemed like he didn't. Shit, I can't gauge.

Okay, what next? Let's check for clues. All right, his towel too seems to be a little too loosely draped over his crotch to be considered appropriate ain't it? Kinda like us. Look! It's not even wrapped around his ass. But I can't see if he is wearing anything!  

Even though the physical signs at that point didn't seem to be in my favour, but you know what, primal energy never lies and my instincts were telling me to trust this sexually charged energy I'm getting from him or the room.

Recalling scenes of my visit to the gay bath house in London years ago, I remembered that if a man wants to be cruised or would like to show signs that he is "available" for fun or fondling, he would sit in a position where his legs would be wide open and his crotch exposed with the towel precariously draped over the thigh, like one of those roman sculpture or paintings where the fabric is always barely positioned to cover the essential part while leaving the rest unashamed to the eye.

Suddenly, the shorter guy stood up and left the sauna. Well it's about fucking time the bishop gets eliminated to clear a path to the King. Thinking that I'll get to enjoy some alone time with the tall guy, he too stood up re-wrapped the towel around his ass, as if to deliberately show that he was wearing nothing and walked out, presumably headed to either the dry sauna or the shower cubicles next door. Not wearing anything underneath the towel, bingo! Checked!

I too waited for another forty seconds before I walked myself out with the intention of going to the dry sauna to see if anything is happening. As I exited, I sensed that something was off as the tall guy just stood next to the entrance of the dry sauna without going in. It was as if he was waiting for someone or something. My instincts were now telling me that he could also be cruising for something, but maybe not with me.

I let myself into the dry sauna and waited. After about thirty seconds, the shorter guy from before appeared out of no where on the outside, walked past the dry sauna glass door and entered the wet sauna down the hall. Then after a while, the tall guy followed suit in the same direction. I know this because every time the sauna door opens, it makes a sound. Fuck! Something is not right. Is the other guy involved too?

Remember kids, trailing after someone like an undercover cop eyeing a criminal from a distance is one of the tell tale signs of active cruising. I have to get myself back into the wet sauna! The taller guy is clearly cruising, but I don't know about the shorter guy. He seemed too straight to be gay.

I entered the wet sauna again and felt a slight awkward energy in the room. Fuck yes boys, it's me again! I'm here for the taller guy. I positioned myself closely again, this time to the left of my targeted candidate while the shorter guy on his right. 

This time, I made sure I was more clear on my position. So I unwrapped the towel from my body, sat butt naked on the sauna bench and loosely draped the towel over my crotch exactly like him. It seemed like he got the message and was turning his head slightly to look in my direction, but never directly into my eyes. I caressed my own right thigh with my right hand and also rubbed my foot in an ironing motion on the floor as I contracted my toes restlessly. 

The purpose of this behaviour is to attract the attention of the other party, to the point that it is overtly distracting. If your target is also after the same desire, he will notice and show signs of awareness to your movement. 

The taller guy then moves his foot closer to me, I reciprocated with mine. Within a few seconds, our legs casually brushed against each other subtly. Sweet Jesus Mother of God, yes yes yes! This is it! I won the Jackpot!

I deliberately press my leg against his and then he reached out his left hand to caress my right thigh. We started to caress each other in the dark, I his chest and him my penis. He looked at me with a pleasant look of a business deal gone right. We continued this foreplay on the sauna bench until an African guy suddenly walks in and everything came to an abrupt halt. The shorter guy leaves.

Gradually one by one, the taller guy and me took turns to leave the wet sauna in search of some privacy in the vacant dry sauna next door. It was like we both knew what to do without having to communicate with each other.

As I entered the dry sauna, the shorter guy was once again seated next to the taller guy. Why the fuck is he always around and in the way? Give us some privacy!

It didn't take me long before I realised that while the taller guy was fondling me with his left hand, his other hand was also doing the same to his partner on the right. What the fuck? The shorter guy is in this too? Him? Great! Now we all have to share. 

Suddenly, I didn't feel so special anymore. Jesus, get over yourself M! It's a fucking sauna, not the Gay Bachelor finale. The taller guy being the more attractive one, was at the centre of attention between me and the other shorter guy.

"Do you guys want to go take shower?", asked the taller guy. 
"Yeah sure, let's go", I said. 
"What? Are you serious? The three of us?", the shorter guy asked confusingly like he has never done it before. 
"Yeah", responded the taller guy.
"Let's go", I said to the two of them like we're in this together.

The taller guy found us a corner cubicle right at the end of the shower lanes and in went the three of us. One of them turned on the shower and warm water started to rain. It was erotic, thrilling, exciting and everything I'd hope a shower with two other naked guys would be.

Things started off with a little neck and earlobe kissing that was mostly concentrated on the taller guy. I embraced him hard like I've never hugged a man's naked body in two decades and went straight for his nipple. I flickered my tongue around it and he moaned. He guided my chin up to his face and he kissed me passionately, not before giving me that lascivious look. Oh my God! He kisses good! Jesus, his lips and that stubble. And he smells good too.

It didn't take me long before I decided to be fair to the shorter guy and made sure he had fun too. So I decided to explore the chest of the smaller guy with my mouth and it was surprisingly hard and firm. I have to admit that he does have a nicer body compared to the taller guy. I kissed him on the lips and his reciprocal style was equally great. Jesus, two great kissers! I'm a lucky guy today. 

The taller guy then decided to pull the two of our faces to his and before I knew it, I was experiencing my very first three way kiss which I didn't even think was possible. You might think one could only kiss one person at a time, but let me tell you, having two lips and tongues pressed against mine was one of the most erotic things I will look forward to doing again.

For the next fifteen minutes, we alternated from jerking each other off to blowing one another, all done between intervals of passionate kisses and nipple play. Yes yes, kiss me again baby! I'm a sucker for a good kiss.

"Shall we all come?", suggested the taller guy.
"Sure", I said and started to jerk myself off. We held on to each other like rugby team mates and the three of us jerked ourselves off to climax. The interesting realisation I had from my perspective is that it wasn't their penises nor cute faces that fueled my ejaculation, but more of the loving warm sensation that I was intimately in the embrace of two naked men and two individually masculine energies that sent me off the edge. 

I couldn't remember in vivid detail who came first despite all the vibration and shaking, but I was the last. After I came, I looked up at the two feeling a little shy that they were so patient to let me finish without letting go of the embrace even though they themselves were done.

"Did you come? And you?", I asked just to make sure. They both nodded their heads and gave me a thumbs up. We washed our dicks before discussing our exit. During the entire time that we were in the cubicle, we could hear other gym members and janitors. 

When the coast is clear, the taller guy was the first to leave, followed by the shorter guy, effectively surrendering the cubicle to me so I could have a proper shower and clean up for which I couldn't stop grinning in satisfaction and happiness at the fact that the man on man fun I so determinedly wanted came true.

Before going back to the common locker rooms outside, I wondered what kind of card should I play when I see them? Does the number one whatever-happens-in-the-sauna-stays-in-the-sauna rule of no numbers, no names and no acknowledgment apply in this encounter? Dude, stop over-thinking things and just act normal!

As I went back out, I realised the shorter guy was using the locker right next to mine. He was my neighbour. I was 107 and he was 110 on the same row. What a coincidence! I walked over and subtly gave him a little nod. He smiled and I smiled too. That was nice.

"You're 110? What a coincidence. I'm right next to you", I uttered with a smile. And he smiled in return.

The taller guy however on the other hand, maintained a very cold and distant position back at the locker room. I halfheartedly expected him to at least nod his head or smile but I think he wanted the anonymity, and so I respected the distance. I was blow drying my hair when I felt a firm tap on my shoulder and saw the reflection of the shorter guy walked out via my mirror. Ah, that must have been him! Did he wanted something or was that a goodbye tap?

Not long after, the taller guy walked out without as much as look back and I took a few more minutes to finish up. When I finally went out, they were both gone. So I guess the anonymity rule does apply today. But I am confident that this will not be the last of them I'll see.

Sunday, 14 June 2015

Can You Believe It's June?

Hey there, it's been a while. I just checked the date of my last published post and it was dated for January 2015, while we are already in June. I can't help but wonder why does time crawl when we're in school, but flies like a bullet right after you pass the twenty mark and you're still way behind a lot of people who have developed by leaps and bounds into the powerful individual that they are.

I just wanted to apologise to the loyal readers for my absence. Back in January, I was still working on all the unfinished stories I'd like to tell. But for some reason, I couldn't bear to look at my journal anymore. Basically, I was just at a point where I couldn't think about Gay and Invisible anymore. I would open the writing window and close it after five minutes or a couple of sentences. This happened repeatedly for a few weeks before I completely gave up. I think I might have hit my limit, my limit in the sense that I was a kinda tired, unmotivated and uninspired. 

I do still have a couple of stories up my sleeve, and that my adventures from the last year has yet to reach its denouement properly in writing although everything took place prior to November.

For the past three years I have been diligently putting in the effort on this journal with the motivation and intention of wanting to document feelings and help people, especially those who are still struggling with themselves or perhaps live in places where they are not being given the chance to live in truth, to practice courage and to stand tall in freedom. Using myself as a guinea pig, I really wanted to take people on a real journey. One actually lived and experienced by many guys that no paragraph could actually describe. 

I sometimes wonder what would happen to the story on this journal if I suddenly left this world abruptly. Will I get to tie up lose ends? Close my story in great optimism to motivate future generations so that they too will know without a shadow of a doubt that they too do stand a chance at finding great contentment as a human being? Or will it all hang at the mercy of a pessimistic hook to highlight the realities of what life could be?

Anyway, whatever the outcome will be, I will try and finish up the stories and persevere as hard as I see fit. Thank you so much sincerely for your love and support, and for checking in on this journal.

Sunday, 18 January 2015

The Time I Had Two Sex Dates In One Day | ❷

[ Previously on... The Time I Had Two Sex Dates In One Day | ❶ ]

Within an hour of leaving messages here and there, I was in talks with two potential candidates for some more fun. One was a hot Asian guy, who initially was a little aloof, but ended up dangling the possibility of a threesome with his hot Aussie boyfriend. Okay, how hot is hot?

Then after seeing the photo he provided, I didn't know what to say. I felt so insecure and out of place. He and his boyfriend certainly looks like the hot gay couple we all are intimidated by, and will never be a part of. Okay, not all of us but "some" of us. I remember thinking about myself at that point and wondered what will be my path.

The invitation to the threesome had a catch, was that I had to bottom for his boyfriend's eight inch tool. Jesus! Eight? And bottoming again? How am I gonna take that? I asked him how does it normally work for them and he says that even as a bottom, he doesn't like taking in his partner's dick, even though it took him a long period of training. So sometimes when the boyfriend is really in the mood to fuck and he's not in the mood to bottom, they would recruit a third. So technically, I will be used that night as a toy. That sounds kinda hot!

After weighing in on the pros and cons, I decided that I wasn't going to offer myself up for something I cannot deliver. I could have easily agreed with an empty promise and then showed up being difficult. So I painfully and unwillingly didn't push the deal through.

The second candidate in talks with me was a hot looking guy from Queensland who made the first approach. His face picture was very promising and I agreed to go over to his place later that night. He only had the apartment to himself until about 11pm so I had to ditch my writing and hurry over to his place down the street within the next hour. Two sex dates in less than 7 hours? That's never happened to me before. This should be interesting.

When I arrived, I hesitated between pressing the doorbell or texting him. I chose the latter. After waiting for a while, I wondered what took him forever to open the damn door. Then it hit me that I was at the wrong part of the street. I absentmindedly memorised the wrong unit number and had the three figures jumbled up in my head! Oh my God, thank fuck I didn't ring the doorbell!

Texting the guy immediately, I let him know that I am a couple of blocks away and will be there. As soon as I arrived, I was shockingly disappointed because I thought the "big" figure in the lobby wasn't him, but unfortunately it was. I did not see it coming tonight. The candidate does have a hot face, but he was for lack of a more elegant word of description, fat. He was a bigger version of an overweight Chris Pratt before Guardians of the Galaxy.

At that point, I told myself to either walk away or to really come clean with him that this wasn't going to work. Because number one, I felt deceived. I felt like he tricked me with a nice face picture but kept his overweight body a secret, and secondly, I really wasn't feeling any attraction to him. But being the weak, let's-try-not-to-be-an-asshole guy that I am, I didn't have the heart to reject him up front without giving him a chance. He was a friendly guy so I forced myself to shut up and go ahead.

So we adjourned upstairs to his nice apartment together. I relied heavily on my loquacity to do the work in diffusing any sort of awkwardness and to hide my incredibly anxious self. You know the part that felt betrayed and was going to yell "this is not working out" anytime.

The candidate is currently in an open relationship with a younger boyfriend, a banker who happens to be very cute from the way he describes his partner, and from the picture I saw in the living room. He was at work on a Saturday and is scheduled to come home by 11pm. I really don't want to be caught in flagrante delicto so I kept asking him what happens if his boyfriend walks in on us? Because even with open-relationships, "knowing" that your partner is having fun with someone else and "walking in" with your own eyes releases a very different kind of energy and emotional impact.

Apparently it didn't worry him and he kept reassuring me that it's okay as his partner knows he brings people home only when he's not around. That whole awkward episode I was worried about happened once a long time ago, but unfortunately that didn't go so well in the eyes of his banker boyfriend. But they've grown and worked on things.

Then, figuring out that I am not in any way responsible for his arrangements or required to be entangled into the complicated details of his partnership, I told myself as long as I stuck to playing my part as nothing more than a flimsy Grindr candidate, the rest wasn't any of my business.

Within a few minutes on the couch, I started things off with a make out because had I given myself more time to think, I would have said goodbye. The make out and foreplay was good and you could see that he was enjoying himself. Disregarding his entire body which was out of shape, I loved the whole stubble and face. He does has a hot face.

     "God, you're my kinda kisser! Cum'ere," he said and we continued kissing. 
     "God, your boyfriends must have loved it every time you kiss them", he added.
     "Uh, I don't have a boyfriend."

He stopped the kissing immediately and looked at my face with an incomprehensible expression, like as if something just didn't click.

"Really? Why?", he questioned.
"Oh I don't know. I only came out 2 years ago, still getting to know the scene, haven't found anything concrete," I said nervously.
I can most certainly hear my inner self go: Oh God, why the hell are you telling your life story? Shut up. Shut up now.

Halfway through the make out, he took off his shirt and I cringed a little. Okay, I cringed a lot. But then I tried very hard to get myself to focus on thinking about him as a person as opposed to concentrating on his fat body all the time. Until this day, I couldn't quite comprehend how I did what I did.

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ] 
 - - -  Please STOP reading now if you're not comfortable  - - -

Anyway after a while, he was ready to move us into the bedroom, the very same bedroom that he sleeps in with his investment banking partner. All of a sudden, I didn't feel easy. Call me naive, call me a wimp, but I couldn't help but thought of myself as a surreptitious intruder to the sacred space that a guy and his partner sleeps in. The very symbol of their being together, of which I don't know if I will ever have the heart to deal with had it been me in this relationship.

Sticking to the decision of not wanting to over-thinking things that are not mine to be dealt with, I followed through with the program. So we adjourned into the bedroom where he and I shed our clothes and got down to business in bed.

Initially I thought the blowjobs, kisses and foreplay would be enough. However, it wasn't and he wanted to fuck me. At first I didn't wanna go through with it because I'm not a fan of being a bottom, then later on I thought: "Okay, he's a nice decent guy. And his tool was small too. I can do small."

When he entered, it burnt. I couldn't tell if it was from the previous penetration that happened a few hours ago, or was it because in general, I'm still not used to being fucked. While fucking me, he noticed my facial expression and asked what's wrong. I told him it burns due to the prior sex date I had a few hours ago and requested for him to just come quickly.

He smiled and said okay, while whispering additionally that he would like to see me again, and that the next round he does, he wants to be the fresh one to penetrate me and not have to be second. I just listened quietly to myself because I already know in my head that there wouldn't be a next time.

Once we were done, he let me take a nice shower in the master bathroom and even gave me a fresh towel to use. I appreciated things like this so much. Some guys just throw you out or bark at you.

After the shower, I didn't leave immediately because there was no way I was going to allow myself to miss my favourite part of the program, talking and interviewing the candidate about his life story. This remains and still is one of the most therapeutic segment I love doing while meeting guys on sex dates. There's something about this way of approach to sex dates that completely changes the meaning, depth and energy of exchange.

So the guy and his investment banker boyfriend have been together for almost a decade. They were from the same town and journeyed together to where they are today in this apartment. His boyfriend was my age which dug out feelings of inadequacy within myself. You know, the whole better looking and more successful thing. I know it sounds like a very naive thing to say, but yeah I do struggle with little things like that.

I asked how did the concept of the open relationship came about, when especially you've been in a relationship of ten years. "How does that work?", I remember hearing myself ask. So apparently, they are actually in the midst of working things out. 

In the recent years when the investment banker boyfriend was climbing the ladder and committed to working all the time in building his career, their relationship hit a rough patch as this guy felt really lonely and wasn't getting the attention he deserves. The candidate was a regular working class guy who was attached to a young banker who was not only more successful, but had to constantly work all the time.

     "Was it difficult to tell your partner that you wanted to now open up the relationship?" I asked.
     "Yeah it was. It was very hard," he replied smiling.
     "But how did you manage to do it and really really settle on an arrangement like this without hurting each other or making sure that both parties ARE effectively getting the necessary benefit out of it?"
     "Well it had to come to this because he couldn't compromise on his crucial period in his career and I needed something in which he currently can't provide due to the nature of his work. So the conversation was tough and he didn't take it well but in the end it was fine. He knows I sleep with people and he sleeps with other people too. Although I think he doesn't use this privilege a lot and as much as I do because he's away and working all the time. But him and I are very strong together. He's family to me and I'm family to him."
     "Oh yeah. We went through a lot together. I supported him, he supported me. I would say that even if him and I didn't work out in the end, he will still be a part of my life and will always be my family. Do you ever get that?"
I looked at him with a 'hello' expression and he automatically smiled and remembered I've never been in a relationship.
     "Oh yeah I forgot you uh...", he responded smiling.

     "You guys have a very nice apartment here." I added while looking around. "The space feels so personal."
     "Thanks. The rent is expensive too. If I am not with my boyfriend, I probably wouldn't be able to afford a place like this. I do have a job I'm enthusiastic about but I don't make as much money as him."
     "Are you okay with that though?"
     "Yeah. My boyfriend, well he's exceptionally bright and intelligent. Like really bright," he said.
    "Oh my God, you know my childhood best friend, the one I'm currently staying with says the same thing all the time regarding his bosses and other people he's met in the industry. He's an investment banker himself, and I've always kinda told him that due to the cut-throat way he works all the time, I have this impression that he's quite successful.

However he shocked me by telling me that that is not true because he's actually still way at the bottom of a corporate banking ladder. I remember asking him too what did he mean by 'really smart' when he uses that kind of adjective to describe his bosses and his other banking peers. For he does make it sound like they have this level of intelligence and smarts that is unimaginable. He says he can't quite put his finger on it or give me the answer I wanna hear, but based on how one works at the banking office, you really have to be at the phenomenal top of your game. Which I guess sounded quite logical if you're in such a competitive cut-throat dog-eat-dog world industry."

The big guy went on to tell me about how his boyfriend was devastated initially when every major financial institution turned him down upon graduation. Then in the midst of feeling low, the number one crème de la crème of investment banking unexpectedly called and took him in. The rest as we know it was history. I sat there like a small unexposed bird listening to the success of high flying eagles.

I know it probably shouldn't affect me or come to be any of my business, but hearing us talk about great career success and "real world smarts" excavated great feelings of inferiority within myself. I've mentioned before that I've always felt that I am not equipped with the right smarts. that are competitive enough for the real world that we live in. Academically and professionally.

Even back in my days at whatever I did, I was an easy C student. In everything that I do, somehow the C easily and conveniently finds its way to me. There were only a handful of moments I unexpectedly performed well, and even that required immense training. So if we're not A material, neither are we one of the Fs who become millionaire entrepreneurs. Where does my fate lie God? I pondered deeply.

"But you know what they say about investment bankers, which includes my boyfriend from what I observe since we were together, is that they are extremely intelligent and competitive in a lot of things, but sometimes they can be complete fools when it comes to life," he added.
     "Yeah, they can be. Don't get me wrong, they're exceptional, highly competitive smart guys, but sometimes when it comes to life, they're clueless."

I chuckled amusingly with heightened curiosity at his claim because although I'm not saying it's completely true, but I do feel this sometimes with my childhood best friend. I admire him greatly for the great survivor and resilient banker that he is, but it has struck me many many times over the years that I really do come from a different world when it comes to soul-searching.

Him and I went on to chat about a few more things on the couch before he noticed the phone vibrating suddenly in his pants. It was his bright and highly intelligent investment banker boyfriend calling. He was downstairs and was waiting for his current boyfriend who was with me to buzz him up because he didn't have a key. 

"Okay, I guess that means it's time for me to go," I said while smiling. "Thank you for having me," I added. "No thank you for coming," he answered. The big guy apologised for having to kick me out but I assured him that I certainly don't feel that way at all, in fact I really enjoyed the conversation we had in the apartment. It gave me a lot to think about.

I was a little worried about how to leave the building without having to go through the whole bumping into his boyfriend thing. Call me a hypocrite for going ahead with this sex date in the first place, but I am actually concerned about not wanting to put me and his boyfriend through any awkward scenario during my exit.

The candidate told me that he will go down himself and get his boyfriend five minutes after I have left so as to avoid the aforementioned scenario. I was to descend and exit on my own. I thought it was a good plan and agreed.

As I took the elevator down and walked out to the forecourt of the building, there he was, the good-looking and successfully bright investment banker boyfriend on the other side of the gate, waiting to be let in. He was handsome, dressed in casual Saturday work clothes and engrossed at the contents of his touch screen phone. I couldn't fathom with clarity if I felt envious, inferior or ready to accept that I might just never be on the same platform or level as some people.

My intention was to quietly press the gate release button and walk away quickly. However, it hit me that I couldn't find the damn button and I spent the next two minutes pacing up and down the forecourt like a fool, looking for the release button that will free the magnetic locks on the gate to let me out. The banker boyfriend was still looking down at his phone and didn't notice I was there. Please let me find it before he looks up! Please let me find it before he looks up!

"You gotta press the green button on your left right by the pillar", says the boyfriend as he finally looked up from his phone. The successfully bright, intelligent investment banker has spokenI mouthed the word fuck to myself in the dark.
     "Uh, thanks. Couldn't find it", I responded.

I rolled my eyes internally at myself for the blunder I staged when I was trying so hard not to embarrass me in front of the hot and bright investment banker who probably now thinks I'm stupid. God I wanted to shoot myself in the toe. 

When the gates finally opened after I pressed the button, I walked out and we held the gate for each other as he walked in. We passed one another and I said: "Have a nice night." I think he mumbled a reply, I think he didn't.

As I walked out, I was very conscious of the energy that was emanating from my body. I wondered deeply at that point if he knew who I was and which apartment unit did I just come down from. Because just when you always assume people don't have a clue as to what is going on, they know. They always know.

Right from the moment I made a turn after my exit, my head and heart was just inundated with a million emotions, thoughts, dreams and worries. For some reason, even I myself couldn't understand how my own head works and the infinite ocean that it is. I think I teared up a little firstly because of how I felt about myself earlier, and secondly, for the hopeful visions I still harbour for myself in hopes that someday, they will find its way to me, just like how it has found its way to many and have made them successful.

On my way to the bus stop, I found myself on Oxford Street and decided to take a detour to Stonewall. It was after all the last Saturday I will be spending in this city so I wanted to seize the opportunity to enjoy every last bit of my privilege and right to walk into a gay bar because I never do so back home openly and would definitely miss everything here.

As usual the bar was packed and the atmosphere, as gay and alive as ever. I bought myself a pint and sat at a corner to take it all in. I observed everything. From the drag shows to the hot guys and their hot gay groups, the fearless twinks to the good-looking bar tenders. It's been three years since the first time I walked myself into a gay bar on my own in 2011. On one hand I was grateful for being able to now sit in a bar and own my truth as a different man, on the other, I was a little sad that despite putting myself through so much running around, I was still alone and didn't seem to fit in with the crowd. Feeling a little tired and overwhelmed, I finally picked up my glass, downed the remaining beer that was left and headed home.

Thursday, 15 January 2015

The Time I Had Two Sex Dates In One Day | ❶

After feeling a little shaken from the previous happenings, I woke up to a jostling Saturday morning where the living room of my friend's apartment was about to play host to a simple breakfast gathering of seven. I was feeling a little empty and completely not in the mood to be around a crowd so I excused myself and went to the bathroom to dwell on my morning ritual.

While on the toilet seat, I checked my Grindr and saw that a cute guy with an approximate distance of 118m has left me a message. Okay, let's talk and see where this goes. Within 15 minutes, we've established via WhatsApp that he was going to touch base again within an hour to see if the hang over dissipates and if he can get himself out of bed to meet for a short coffee then head back to his place for fun.

So I got ready and headed to the corner coffee house to catch up on some writing while I waited for his text. I had a very strong feeling that he might stand me up, but it didn't bother me at all even if he does because I was so engrossed in my backlog, and my journal is more important than any date. So in the end, he never touched base like he said he would.

I stayed and continued to write when another profile from Grindr who previously wasn't willing to give me his number, spontaneously left me a missed call and a voice message asking if we could meet for coffee. I called him back and within 40 minutes, I took the bus and met him in Darlinghurst, one of the most exciting gay neighbourhoods in the city.

For the past month, Grindr along with the other gay apps have unconsciously become my new social network obsession where I'm constantly on it all the time. It was so weird to think that when I was cruising very hard during the week, nothing comes up. But the minute I let go, and try to use the Law of Attraction to envision a sexually satisfied version of myself, where the energy I'm feeling says: "I'm having, I have, or have already had", these encounters just start popping up spontaneously at an unexpectedly fast rate. This method was proven to work in the post where I wrote about my sex date with a broadcasting executive.

Forty minutes later as I descended from the bus near my destination, I NEVER thought fate will physically let me cross paths with "Frenchy", this insanely hot French jock I've been trying to woo for weeks on Grindr. He lives about 80 metres away from my unit but have never for once replied my damn messages. 

Oh my God, that's Frenchy! Frenchy! The hot guy we've been after. What do we do now what do we do now? Should we go say 'Hi'? Damn it, how do we get his attention? How can we approach this fragile situation sensibly without destroying our shot? Oh my God, think, think damn it!

Within that few precious seconds that we crossed paths, I tried to get him to look at me. Come on look at me baby. Look at me. Regarde-moi damn it! Unfortunately, he wasn't aware of it and continued walking across the street to the opposite bus station. I deliberately changed my route so that I can give myself an additional ten seconds to think about what I'm going to do.

He was wearing an extremely tight maroon t-shirt with faded jeans, complete with music ear plugs which makes getting his attention an obstacle. Jesus, he is so hot. By the looks of it, he was on his way home from a work-out session at Fitness First. I watched him as he positions himself on the bus stop bench and stared into his phone.

At that point, I was really confused with my dilemma. I was late for my meet-up with the guy from Grindr, but yet I couldn't let go of my chance with 'Frenchy'. Bumping into him has catapulted me into a state where I was ecstatic, scared and torn. Torn between if I should take a left to walk away, or screw being late and take a right to invest an additional ten minutes to try and get his number at the bus stop. Come on come on M think! I stood on the side of the pavement for a good five to ten minutes in order for my mind to reason itself. 

Right Side:
"M, what are the odds that fate has arranged for you to bump into the guy you've been hunting after in order for you to walk away? You are NOT going to get another opportunity to cross paths like this again! Grow some balls and take the risk." 

"But what are we gonna say? What if we look stupid? What is our excuse to approach him? What if going up to him actually expedites rejection and ruin everything?"

Left Side:
"M, you are late for a date. With a guy who has concretely asked you out and arranged for a meeting nonetheless. This IS the present situation. Not the 'what-if' you are fantasising with 'Frenchy'. And yet, here you are thinking about whether if you want to go for somebody else? Is this fair to the present guy that is waiting for you?"

Right Side:
"No it's not fair. But neither it is to ask me to give up on this! I've been trying to get his attention for weeks." 

Left Side:
"It's okay. Just do the right thing and go meet your date now. Forget about 'Frenchy' because if he is interested in meeting, wouldn't he reply your messages in the first place? Take a hint. Look if you truly are destined to talk to each other, the universe will give a second chance to allow that to happen again. So let's go."

Right Side:
"What? What?! What a bunch of bullshit? Wait, let me thi..."

So I walked away, which I know sounds extremely stupid right now while writing it in black and white, but I made a choice based on what I thought was the right behaviour, and I can't change the past. Looking back, one might think that I would have drew on the missed opportunity lesson learnt at Starbucks and Midnight Shift to never let another opportunity pass me by this time, but unfortunately I didn't.

Using the entrance of Stonewall, a popular gay bar on Oxford Street as a landmark, I finally met up with my Grindr candidate and adjourned to a nearby coffee house for a drink. He looks better in person than in his profile picture. The features that really stood out was his incredibly scruffy jaw and his blue eyes. As soon as I saw him, I knew we were going to end up in bed together. He is not young, but neither is he too old.

He was an Anglo-Australian and the conversation with him really had every potential to be enjoyable and interesting. However, I was clearly not in my element that afternoon and I couldn't bring myself to concentrate. My heart and mind was just completely scattered all over the place firstly because of my missed opportunity with 'Frenchy'. Secondly the gay café we were in was just flooded with hot beautiful gay guys I salivate for, and thirdly, our outdoor table was right in front of the balcony unit of the German man on rebound who might catch me with another man. Wow, three issues? I thought you were just a simple guy?

Throughout the entire sitting, I was feeling very anxious and all over the place. Then, the candidate says that we should go back and chill at his home. Oh thank God, let's move. Maybe the sooner we have sex, the faster I can blow off some much needed steam that is contributing to my nervous scattered self.

The weird thing is that I feel the term horny is not what this is called, because I associate horny with being able to just fuck your brains out to solve the problem. I would have to say that hunger for a make out and physical passion with another man is a more accurate description of my situation. Although it might be the same to many.

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ] 
 - - -  Please STOP reading now if you're not comfortable  - - -

So we arrived, and a casual tour of the place conveniently turns into a make out in his room. The kiss was good, the cuddles were good, everything was so far so good.

"God, you are so sexy do you know that?", he says to me in between sealing our lips together. "God, I love your scruff", I murmured in reciprocation and he chuckled in amusement. My heart giggled at its own attempt in trying to create a little bed entertainment.

Then I went down on his competently-sized tool and he moaned in absolute ecstasy while trying to stick a finger in to play with my ass. "Are you clean?", he whispered? "Yes I am", I replied. "So, you cleaned yourself before you came to see me. You must be expecting to get fucked", he teases.

"Uh, no. I just like being clean. Has nothing to do with wanting to be fucked", I answered as a matter of factually with an underlying tone that seems to suggest that we won't be doing anal today. He asked if I liked being rimmed and I told him I love it! 

I had a moment in my head where it hit me that guys who firmly identify themselves as Tops love putting their lips to asses. Nevertheless, as long as I don't have to do it on others, it's fine. So we alternated between me giving him a blowjob and him rimming me. It got to a point where we were passionately in the 69 position. The friction of his scruff and flickering of his tongue when he rimmed me was good.

After a while, I was starting to get bored and asked if he wanted to come. "Not yet. I haven't gotten around to fucking you", he says. "Uh, there will be no fucking today", I said. 

"Aaw, why? Why? Come on", he pleads softly almost in a whisper. I shook my head and stayed strong in my decision. Then, being the "pleaser" that I am, I couldn't help but gave in after a while. The whole thing wasn't too bad, but I remember telling him to get it over with quickly because I haven't found my joy in being a bottom. He did wanted to help me "like" it with many different positions, but I was just really not in the mood.

When we were done, we took a shower and got dressed. He was headed to the Opera House for some kind of performance and I was just gonna find a café on Oxford Street to continue putting my backlog of thoughts into writing. I waited with him at the bus station until his ride came and we said goodbye. Apart from that, it was nice to get a text from him later asking me how I am.

Later on at a café, I bought myself some tea and sat down to write at a small corner, relying on the miserable power plug that is sustaining my low battery device. As you can imagine, I was also heavily distracted on the gay apps on my phone, which reminded me very much about my Facebook addiction when it first came out. My excuse was that I am in Darlinghurst on a Saturday night and I would like to increase my chances of getting in touch with more guys. I alternated between writing and cruising.

[ To Be Continued... The Time I Had Two Sex Dates In One Day  |  ❷ ]