Navigation Bar Blue

Tuesday, 24 May 2016

Any Fitness Experts Out There Who Can Advise Me on Muscle Building?

Hi guys, I need some help. I was wondering if there are any gym-goers, fitness experts, bodybuilders or personal trainers out there who read this journal? Especially those who are knowledgeable in the area of helping Ectomorphs overcome their stubborn body? I just checked my weight at the gym today and I am helplessly frustrated.

I'm having some problems in my progress of trying to put on more muscle after having put on some. I feel that my growth is extremely slow and I'm currently stuck at a plateau where my muscles mass or body weight isn't increasing. It feels like no matter how much I lift or squeeze, my body just wouldn't bust through my current weight and it's frustrating me out. I have been talking to people, putting myself through trial and error and have been doing research but still no major breakthrough in my body.

Perhaps I am under-lifting, under-eating, or that my work out routine and rep ranges are all wrong? I'm not sure. I would appreciate if someone could willingly take a look at my case or situation and help pinpoint the possible cause. Maybe recommend a solution or advise me? I can provide a journal of my work-outs for the past few months and some information on the supplements I'm taking.

My purpose here is not to 'look' for a trainer, but merely would like to get in touch with someone who can guide me or help me so that I can train myself and achieve my own goal with my own efforts.

Any bodybuilding gym goers or 'people with connections' willing to help a guy out here? If you're willing, please email: gninvisible@gmail.com so that we can talk more. I will be forever grateful. Thank you so much in advance.

Saturday, 14 May 2016

Difficulty Concentrating & Staying Focus In Life

I'm going to use this space to talk a little bit about an issue I've been trying to overcome. In the current successful millennium that we live in, people often speak a lot about the important need to stay focus and goal oriented. Especially for a guy like myself who is considered to be at an age where your ambitious hard work should be paired diligently with great focus to achieving your real world goals. You are supposed to wake up hungry every morning with the drive and mentality of success. Entrepreneurial magazines say it, self-development articles say it, motivational public figures say it.

I know I read these self-improvement things all the time, but when I introspect on the way I think and function in life, I'm actually no where close to achieving that kind of successful energy. In fact, as an adult in my late twenties, I still find myself struggling a lot like a kid in my basic ability to concentrate and stay focus in life. It is like unconscious living or sleep walking your way through being alive.

Whether it's in the form of daydreaming, excessive over-thinking, or even dragging the past into the future and vice versa in the middle of my present, my overwhelming mind has a tendency to astral project itself to hundreds of thoughts and matters all the time. The analogy equivalent would be that it resembles an Internet browser that is constantly trying to load and process hundreds of tabs all at the same time which is fatal to 'staying on path' and can feel very disempowering.

These behaviours, although happen a lot in my everyday repertoires, often has a tendency to reach its peak of conquest whenever I am required to 'sit down' or pool my energy to complete a task. During those moments, my concentration just wouldn't be able to find its center and starts going places. And because of this, I feel so disconnected to life and it worries me. The worry then leads to unnecessary guilt and anxiousness because I can't seem to conjure up the mental discipline to correct my bad patterns.

From time to time when I try to swap agendas up at hand in order to keep the mind interested and hooked, my thoughts then now worry about the previous task. Kinda like when you're on the computer, you think of your bed, but when you go to bed, you think of all the tasks on the computer you could have done if you had just concentrated and be disciplined. 

And on top of everything, my mental indiscipline occasionally gets so bad that all I end up thinking about or could ever think about is, yes you guessed it, sex. I don't even know if other guys could relate to this, but yes I think about sex all the time. And I really mean all the time. It is like my sex thoughts now share the same urgency as breathing. It pops into my head at every chance it gets and lingers for as long as my libido isn't sated.

Sometimes, things get so extreme that I have to halt whatever it is I'm doing on emergency hold in order to go jerk myself off a few rounds before coming back to my tasks. And even so, new sex thoughts tend to arise, and I will have to re-administer a second or a third or a fourth jerk to wash it out of my system. 

All that lack of collectivity, coupled with sex daydreaming makes me a very idle and highly unproductive person. In the end, days and months and years go by and all I end up being if I were to be truly honest, is an unconscious person that gets swept away by the current of his thoughts while 'existing' in life. Like an individual without his anchor.

As I write this down, I'm starting to wonder if my lack of mental control and discipline could actually have its roots embedded deep within my longtime struggle as a human being to get myself to stay centered in life. In other words, the mindful practice of being engaged with reality or the present. Could this stubborn mind of mine who refuses to be grounded breed an unmindful person who is now often never fully present or engaged with the pending reality that is in front of him?

Recently, I got to thinking a lot about the concept of unconsciousness, consciousness awakening. Consciousness of the mind I feel in this context, is the ability to stay centered, on path and fully awake in the current reality in front and not be carried away by your thoughts and sensual desires. Knowing full well what you need to do and what is needed to be done in order to keep moving forward towards achieving goals and attaining progress.

Mental unconsciousness could range from not noticing what happened between your drive home from the supermarket, to not knowing how you got from 22 to 27 within a span of five years. What I'm currently experiencing, the struggle for concentration and presence in reality, is a form of unconsciousness. Whereby I allow myself to be easily pulled by thoughts and drown in the my own tsunami of naval-gazing that sabotages my progress rather than take control. I haven't exactly figured out the details of what the plan is and how I am going to overcome this, but writing it down is definitely the first step towards therapeutic healing, followed by the next conscious course of action.

Friday, 22 April 2016

When A Sauna Cruise Chooses Another Over You

One of the guilty pleasures I look forward to after my work out at the gym is some man-on-man fun in the gent's locker room. I have often associate the art of cruising for sex to the act of fishing. A fisherman who goes to the watering hole with his fishing rod isn't guaranteed a fish every single time. Sometimes he goes home successfully with the catch of his choice and sometimes he goes home empty handed when the tide is not in his favour.

Recently, my statistical success rate of scoring a guy for some sauna fun is probably less than fifteen percent. These days I often end up jerking myself off alone in the cubicle nine out of ten cruising attempts. I don't know if it's my luck, or just unfavourable market times.

But what about those days when you literally are on your way to a successful catch, only to have that fish choose another candidate over you? Well, two of such incidents happened to me over the past month.

INCIDENT 1

About two weeks ago, this Asian gym member who I've previously had some fun with came to park himself next to me in the dry sauna. It didn't take long before our toes were rubbing and caressing each other firmly to signal availability and interest. The plan was to wait for the other guys to leave and for us to be completely alone in the privacy of the sauna before we could take things further.

But as soon as the last person left and I was on the verge of fondling him with my hands, another guy comes in to use the sauna. This guy was a very hot guy. He was jacked and good-looking with a chiseled face and body. In fact, I've chatted with him before and am well aware that he is straight. I've even attempted to cruise him in the sauna, but never succeeded.

Almost immediately, I could see the switch in Asian guy's behaviour and his body language. Not only did he halted all signals, but withdrew his interest in me after seeing jacked guy come in. I rolled my eyes in disbelief and annoyance. "Oh for Christ sake, yes yes that's C and he's a very hot guy. And I'll even do you one extra bit by admitting that I am nothing with him around. But could you be any more subtle with the way you pulled out of the water?"

I know for a fact that hot guy is straight and unattainable, but seeing as how Asian guy is shamelessly drooling all over him, my guess is that he has never met or mingled with him before. So I decided to leave foolish to be foolish and left for a quick rinse.

After five minutes, I couldn't wait to come back into the sauna just to see how Asian guy is progressing. True enough, my hunch is verified when the two of them were shooting the breeze, but mostly with Asian guy asking the question and hot guy answering with friendly one liners.

"Let's play a game and guess who started the conversation?", the inner mean child thought sarcastically in my head. I rolled my eyes again and shot Asian guy a disdaining stare even though he couldn't see my face.

Shortly after I left to shower for real and change. Within the span of time that I was in the locker room, my ego was churning out legions of thoughts, ranging from 'how dare you', to displays of hurt and bitterness. Yes, that was my ego who feels the need to defend its bruised self. I'm only human. 

But once I allowed these emotions to run its course within the evening, they dissipate as quickly as it came charging, and I was finally able to rationalise with maturity that I hold no control over these things. Over what other people do, what other people choose to do, how they react, how they behave, how they change their minds. It is certainly none of my business and I should definitely not take these things personally to heart.

INCIDENT 2

Another incident happened today. This nice looking brown meat was hanging around the shower corridors since I started my work out 90 minutes ago. "Damn. That guy is still hanging around in the sauna since I came! He must be really horny", I smiled satisfyingly in my head, knowing that I was going to indulge him in a little man-on-man fun.

After changing into my towel, I wasted no time and got to cruising. I shot him eye-contact and displayed my lose towel in the steam room. However, due to the many other chess pieces that were present on scene, brown meat and I always had intervals of seconds alone before somebody else walks in. We could hardly even fondle each other properly.

This whole coming and going does sometimes take its toll on a candidate who does not have the time nor patience to stay till the very end. But I was so confident that this guy who has been here for more than an hour, wasn't going to leave until he gets the happy ending with me. Well I was wrong.

Later on, another guy with a bald spot came in to use the steam room. He was taller, has more weight and probably in his forties. I didn't really care for his presence and just continued to play my game of chase with brown meat between the steam room and the dry sauna.

It was only when all of us were coincidentally squeezed into the dry sauna at one point that my animal instincts were literally barking to me, as loud and clear like it was spoken directly to my consciousness that there was "cruising energy" between bald spot guy and my brown meat. I swear I didn't witness anything and I have no idea how I knew, but I just knew.

"Aw come on. Are we being sensitive? That bald spot guy just came like 5 minutes ago and we were here first. They've never even displayed any cruising signs." Then I sat there thinking about my next move. If my instinctive observation is right, should I release him and leave him be?

I have a rule in my book that says if a candidate is greedy and is engaging some other guy while you're cruising me or already cruised me, he can forget about us having fun as I will let him go. I know this sound very egotistical but I really don't want to be taken as an option.

Then as I observed the three of us in the sauna while those thoughts ran through my mind, it hit me that if brown meat is really interested in bald spot guy, I am now their cockblocker. So I decided to leave voluntarily for a quick rinse in the showers to give them their space.

True enough when I came back out, I saw the two of them entering into the last shower cubicle together and I went back alone inside the sauna. Throughout the next few minutes, my mind just wouldn't leave the two guys alone. I was jealous about what happened and how I became a second choice.

I thought after all that "big internal speech" and self-reassurance talk I would actually be unaffected, but I was. I couldn't decide if it was jealousy, hurt, upset or sadness. Perhaps it was all four? I think it was my ego. It was bruised and bitter that someone chose someone else over us. For a taller man? A weightier man? A manlier man? I don't know.

"M, whoever other people choose or cruise is none of your business. People have the right to change their mind and they don't owe you anything. It's just business and you shouldn't take it personally", I hear my internal rationalisation dialogue go.

After giving myself some time to feel what I needed to feel, I willingly let go for real and listen to the words that was spoken to myself. But looking back in hindsight, I actually came to the realisation that had I not been so sexually hungry, and had I been in a more sated condition, it really wouldn't bother me at all that a sauna cruise chose another person. Like how they say, you are not you when you are hungry, upset or frustrated.

But I can't help but wonder, if I were to ever see the same candidates again from the two incident and I'm sure I will, should I deny them the possibility of fun again or should I drown the ego to get what I want, which is to score? What do you guys think? If you were in my shoes, will you give these guys who previously chose someone over you a chance at fun again? I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Monday, 16 November 2015

The Time I Had Fun In A Public Car Park

This post was written last year, but never published. So here it is.

It's been two weeks since my last sex date. Hence I was feeling restless and irritated. I wasn't expecting anything to materialise that afternoon when an unexpected 'Hi' came from this Dutch-Aussie profile on Grindr.

I couldn't remember what his display picture was, but I knew it was one of those attractive but risky pictures. Risky at the fact that they were quite blur and didn't fully outline exactly what I was walking into. We exchanged some short messages before I finally asked him what he was up to.

    "You really wanna know? I'm actually on my way to getting a blowjob from someone now. Just being honest here, lol", read his Grindr text bubble.
    "Damn! Someone beat me to it. You know what? When you're done with him, let's meet for round two", I replied.
    "Join us then! We're meeting at the car park next to McDonalds. We can all get together and suck each other off. Come on, the more the better."
     "Sure. That sounds fun! What's your number?"
     "No number dude. Just meet on the multi-level car park next to McDonalds now. Go up the ramp and find a white car."

It took me a while to decide properly if I was really going to go ahead with this, and I did. One of the biggest rules I live by is that I usually never agree on a sex date without first getting some form of legitimate phone number where I can call or at least a clear picture. But unfortunately this time, I was desperate for some action, any action at all. So I left the coffee house immediately and walked for about 10 minutes to the multi-level car park a few blocks away as agreed.

As I arrived, I walked up the ramp and started paying very close attention to anybody who was loitering around a white car as told. I've never done this before so you can imagine how leery I was regarding my surroundings. Then I came to the end of a wall, there was indeed a white car and a guy standing behind it but I wasn't exactly sure if he was the third party. He noticed the way I was pacing around the car park and immediately recognised that I was here for some fun.

     "Hey", he nodded his head in acknowledgement.
     "Hi", I walked up to him and introduce myself with a handshake.
     "So where is the other guy?" I asked.
     "He should be here any minute."
     "How long have you been waiting?"
     "I've been standing here rubbing my dick for a good twenty minutes."

This guy must be really horny, I thought. He wasn't the hot guy type, but he definitely has a cute face. 

     "So did he say where he was? I asked for a number but he wouldn't give me one", I told him.
     "Yeah me too. Do you still have him on your Grindr? Text him there and see what he says."

The Dutch-Aussie candidate was already offline but I left him multiple text bubbles. Then the third guy who was with me suggested that we wait inside the car instead of just standing around suspiciously. 

Within minutes after we got into the car, we could no longer hold our itchy hands to ourselves and started to touch each other. I would bent over and blow him and he would bend over and reciprocate enthusiastically at intervals. To be honest, I never expected an impromptu hook-up in a public car park to be so exciting and enjoyable. The guy has great oral and touching skills.

Sometimes we even had to momentarily suspend all activities when crowds of people would walk past our car on their way to theirs, and resume only when the coast is clear. At the rate we were going, we would have finished before the party was complete. So halfway through, we decided to stop and wait for the second guy to arrive.

After waiting for another 20 minutes with no reply, it dawned on us that the missing person who arranged this sex date in the first place wasn't going to show up. Which wasn't surprising considering all the signs that were pointing to this happening. So in the end we finished ourselves off without him in his white car. 

     "You sure it's okay that we finish off in your car, I don't want to make a mess out of it", I asked.
     "It's okay, it's rented", he said with a smile.
     "What?"
     "Yeah, I was going to drive up to my parents after this so it's a rented car."
     "Oh."

The guy let me jerked myself off to ejaculation in the vehicle, but it was a small load so it was manageable with tissues. When I wanted to finish him off, he told me that as horny and as bad as hell he needs to come, his overwhelming need to pee since we met is preventing me from doing the job, otherwise he will really end up releasing more than he should and make an unwanted mess out of the situation.

Before we parted ways, I think I might have felt a moment in his eyes that he wanted to ask me for my contact, while at the same time, trying to work it out in his head if he should respect the principles of anonymity. But in the end, we went our separate ways. It wasn't only after it was all over that it hit me that the way the entire experience unfolded, I could have, in a moment of vulnerable desperation put myself in harm's way. I would like to remind other guys reading this to take mindful precaution rather than follow in my emotional foot step.

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

The Time Someone Caught Me In The Public Bathroom

This post was written last year, but never published. So here it is.

The weirdest day just happened to me here in this city. The sky was blue, the sun was up, and the weather in a city where four seasons could hit in a day was at its most beautiful. There I was seated on the grass patch by the Yarra River on Boathouse Drive in Alexandra Gardens, trying to drink up the incredible skyline when I started to notice a couple of hot guys that were hanging about. 

First there was the very cute Aussie jock in a white working shirt and smooth grey slacks. If I'm not hallucinating, I might have caught a few glances from him but I can't be sure. By the looks of it, he was on his lunch break with another girl, in which they both took off their shoes in order to have their sandwiches seated on the grass. A guy who loses his shoes for the beauty of grass? Oh my God. That's the guy I want to marry.

Then came an amazingly tanned and athletic Asian guy who after a run, has decided to park himself between me and the cute Aussie jock in order to sunbath. He took off his sweaty shirt and laid himself on the grass to soak up the sun for a good half an hour on both sides. I don't know if it's the sweat, the tanned skin, the peeking underwear, or his arousing sports attire, but it drove me insane.

On the park bench to my right, there was another cute Aussie jock in a turquoise working shirt and black slacks with sunglasses. His body frame and biceps were just outlining every inch of his tight-fitting professional attire. He was enjoying his sandwich too while listening to music via his headphones. 

Soon, the athletic Asian guy leaves. Only to be replaced by another cute guy who used the same spot to sunbath. The entire hot guy disrobing scene repeated itself and I stared longingly in a zoned-out trance. I could feel the inner vampire and werewolf awaken in thirst and hunger for fresh meat or rather, the specific meat I'm seeing. I wish I could jerk off right here but common decency and civility would effectively render me a psycho.

At this point, I start to drown internally out of feeling overwhelmed and a little invisible again. It's been a week since my last date with a Melburnian Artist at his home so I was desperately in need of some man-love. The time was already close to 4pm and I was also not getting any positive response from the gay apps. So I decided to distract my obsession by making my way to a usual café and do some writing.

Once I arrived at the coffee house, I decided that I was going to pay a visit to the public toilet to jerk off. The thing about jerking off in public restrooms is that I'm always suspicious or leery if there might be a hidden camera somewhere. It might seem like I'm exaggerating but with everything that is being shared on social media nowadays, I don't know what to think. And even if cameras are not the issue, I'm paranoid about the embarrassment that comes with being caught by real people.

"Jesus Christ M, isn't that a little paranoid? You're a free man. Why should you deny yourself the pleasure of a good release? And even if you do get caught, why should you be embarrassed about such primitive behaviour as a man?" goes my inner voice.

So in the toilet, there were three cubicles numbered 1 to 3, with 3 being the most ideal because it borders a wall, where else the other two does not. 

When I entered the restroom, Cubicle 3 was occupied so I settled temporarily for Cubicle 1 firstly to pee, and secondly to wait for Cubicle 3 to be vacated so that I can use it to indulge myself in a little jerk-off. While peeing, I heard somebody go into Cubicle 2. 

Within the next minute, the person in Cubicle 3 leaves and I conveniently walked out of Cubicle 1 and straight into Cubicle 3. I remember thinking at that point that something just didn't feel right. I felt so exposed and so vulnerable. Stop over-thinking you freak and just jerk-off. And so I did.

I was in the middle of a sexual fantasy, thinking about all the guys I saw by the riverbank. Threesome, foursome, kissing and how good the foreplay feels with these guys. The intimacy, the passion, the sweat on our skin making love. I was halfway through getting myself to reach my happy ending when all of a sudden, I was shocked to see the guy from Cubicle 2 peeping into mine from above. Ho my God! Mother fucking shit. What the fuck?!

As soon as he saw that I saw him, he retreated and I was just kicking myself on the inside. I felt so embarrassed for having a freak next door catch me. "Jesus! What are the chances of me just thinking about my fear of getting caught moments ago, only to have it happen right here in front? Fuck that was embarrassing. The guy saw me! How are we gonn-"

Then I caught sight of his shadow shaking vigorously from his cubicle. It took me a while to digest what was going on, but as soon as my mind registered that the man next door was jerking-off too, my embarrassment for the fact that he saw me dissipated instantly.

I stood there contemplating on how to leave when he stuck his hand out from the gap below and waved a signal. I ignored it because I was partially pissed at what he did, but then a part of me kept reminding itself of how invisible and unwanted I felt this afternoon by the river. So in a moment of weakness, I waved my hand below and walked out to knock on his cubicle door.  We were the only ones there. He unlocked it and the thirty forty something year old man in it was what the gay world would call a bear, and I definitely wasn't interested in this one who looks like he just sits around drinking beer and watching games.

I suppose I didn't have the heart to reject him on the spot so I went into the cubicle despite not feeling like it. As soon as I walked in, he requested to suck me off and so I allowed him. He blew me for a good minute, but in my head, I would much prefer to go back to Cubicle 3 and jerk-off on my own to the thoughts of the hot guys by the Yarra. I stopped him after a while and he looked up at me confused.

Then, he obviously expected me to return some kind of favour, and as much as I wasn't keen, I gave it a try out of courtesy. His dick was small. I went down on him for about 20 seconds before he stopped me because he wanted to move us to Cubicle 3. I said: "Nah, that's okay. I gotta go."

    "Really?"
    "Yes", I responded firmly and he surprisingly didn't throw me anymore questions.

We waited till nobody else was in the toilet before I got out and he stayed in. I went to the sink to freshen up and rinsed my mouth thoroughly. I lost all urge to want to give myself a good release.

Back outside at the coffee house, I sat there thinking about what just happened. I couldn't believe I let myself walk into that cubicle even though I wasn't keen. What the hell was I thinking? Jesus, it must have been one hell of an invisible and pathetic moment.

On the other hand, I couldn't help but wonder too about the series of unexpected thrilling gay experiences that have been coming my way ever since I left home two and half months ago. Never in a million years would I thought an awkward restroom story like this will happen to me.