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Saturday, 26 October 2013

Coming-Out to a Special Girl

Life hasn't exactly taken on an exciting beat on my side. Anyway, that's not the reason why I've come here to write again. Yesterday, I was finally reunited with one of my best friends who flew home from another continent. We haven't seen each other for almost two and a half years. We both have very different life journeys to chart and she has spent the past 5 years living in another country.

She's a best friend from college whom I once developed romantic feelings for even though I was closeted, and was only ever sexually attracted to men. "Okay... But you're gay. Don't confuse me!", you argue. Well to put it in perspective, my heart had strong emotions of love and longing to be attached with her, but my libido responded truthfully only to good-looking men.

A couple years back, I had my first ever proper rejection from a girl when I told her about my feelings and wasn't even sure if she'd accept it. But the wonderful thing was that despite her silence, our friendship grew stronger and we were still "us". We went on holidays, we enjoyed each other's company and we still spill our honest hearts out as close friends. I love being able to share a personal bubble with her that no one can take away.

So yesterday on a bright October's afternoon, we finally spend the entire day together, picking up immediately from the middle of 2011 where we last saw each other and when I sequestered myself off from people to deal with my melt down. I sometimes marvel at the level of trust and faith she has in me to respectfully give me the distance without ever questioning our bond. It made me realise how deep and secure friendships have to be in order for it not to go awry during moments of low.

Seeing her in the flesh again and hugging her felt so good. I finally opened up and told her everything that happened to me for the past two years. I could finally see why we didn't grew romantically beyond friendship because I was meant to be true to my sexuality and have her remain as one of my closest confidante in life. As I admitted to being gay for the first time in front of her, every shame, every embarrassment, every hurt and every fear of being any lesser than I am completely dissipated. It was as if it never existed and I never had a problem with being gay at all.

This made me realised within myself that I have arrived. That coming-out to people is no longer a big deal for me and it's starting to feel pretty normal. In fact, it feels good and liberating. I have never felt so pure and so aligned with who I am. For the first time, I took a moment and revelled in the security and the fearlessness I haven't felt in a long time.

With regard to whether or not she already knew about my attraction for men all this while, she obviously was not surprised as to how things are turning out in the present. She confessed to having never thought of labelling me in the past because she assumed that I played for both teams. She said she couldn't see me as anybody else but me and therefore did not focus or cared much about my sexuality as opposed to how other peers of ours treat it scandalously.

As I drove her home, I started feeling sad that she's flying off again in a couple of weeks and that we're actually no longer a highway's drive away. She will go back to her exciting foreign life and I will have to come back to reality and find mine. At times like these, I truly wonder about my footing in life and where my destiny lies. As I dropped her off and headed home, I felt a deep sense of gratitude for the kind of lifelong friends and support the universe has thrown my way. And for that, suddenly my life just didn't feel so bad, and I will carry on.

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

People Are Like Stained Glass Windows

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Thursday, 10 October 2013

Since We Cannot Change Reality

"Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes which see reality" - Nikos Kazantzakis

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

A Drink With Tall and Dark Engineer

2 weeks ago out of spontaneity, I finally agreed to a drink with this tall and dark guy who has been trying to get us to meet. I first saw him on Jack'd and have since kept each other's phone number on another chat feature.

Mentally I wasn't very confident about meeting new guys any more because I felt that my life as a twenty-something was still not in order. I don't have a stable career, I'm still on antidepressants, I don't love myself completely, I'm not financially independent and I'm still lost etc. And then I thought, burying myself in my hole is not going to change anything and I should just go out there and meet more guys regardless. 

So I arrived, fresh from a shower and he in his work clothes. Yum! He was amazingly tall and dark with a well-built body. When he sat down, he asked me how old I am and I reciprocated the question with wit as I locked all of my worries and issues behind my openly charming façade.

He is 15 years my senior and an engineer by profession in a well-known company. Perhaps due to years of career success, he exudes a very down-to-earth and firm vibe. A very practical guy I would say in terms of how he's taking care of himself in life. I was very much in envy and also in inferior

I particularly enjoyed the part where we talked about our past journeys and how him and I came to be sitting with each other that day in public as two gay men. We talked about lots of things and had honest exchanges even though I was careful of how much I opened up.

He told me he was paranoid throughout his twenties about "the whole gay package" and so only began to fool around homosexually right around 5 years ago. He is extremely athletic and at the same time, maintains a very closeted life. I can sense that he still does have issues with homophobia. Nobody in his immediate or straight circle knows about his sexuality and he plans for it to stay that way for eternity, despite external pressure from family members and friends to get married.

The other thing that I found obvious was that he kept mentioning how scared he is of lethal STD that the hairs on my skin could literally pick up on his fear in terms of energetic vibe. In one sentence, he used the word disease so many times that I wanted to tell him to stop saying it because the key word in his sentences is "diseases" and if he continues to use it, he will be placing unconscious orders via the Law of Attraction and will attract exactly the thing he didn't want to him.

I asked him if he was ever afraid of being lonely, especially for an older guy like him who chose to come out of his shell so late? He said: "You can be in a marriage and still be lonely. You can be in a relationship and still feel alone. So why burden yourself with that kind of thoughts when you should just live your life happily as you are? My principle is that one shouldn't think too much or over think things. Just stay healthy and be happy. That's the most important thing in life."

Wow I've never thought of it that way. I was impressed by the way he answered that naive question of mine with such truth and depth. That's a good line I'll be remembering for a long time. Then, the attention shifted towards me as he dwell deeper into my life.
"So why are you still single?", he asked as he smiled. Yeah. That's a good question M. Why are you still single? You ready to tell him your shit?, my inner voice teases.

"I don't know... I guess I'm somebody who doesn't jump into a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. You know, that's very common nowadays among the younger guys who are coming-out and stuff. They get extremely excited about love and having a boyfriend to be with. I'm not saying its not good, I want people who want that for themselves, then that's what they should have." 

"For me I suppose I should be excited as well but I guess I haven't really met the right person to want to be in a relationship with. I mean it's fairly easy to just pick someone without having to go through the maturing process and then by tomorrow afternoon I'll be attached with a boyfriend you don't even know if you are genuinely in love with."

"I don't know whether to call myself realistic or unrealistic. But anyway, I'm a guy who knows what want and how I am willing to love back. So I hope to one day meet that guy who happens to want both of us in his life."

I asked him the same question and he told me he is not somebody who sits around thinking about relationships because to him, other parts of his life are more important and that if the right click comes along, it comes along. Otherwise he's pretty much very happy with his life. At that point, I admired how mentally firm he is and can't help but wonder if his practical way of thinking if applied to myself can lead to better happiness.

In fact, he's already thinking of buying another apartment on top of his current house. To top everything off, he has been granted permanent resident status to immigrate to one of the happiest countries in the world within the next few years.

He asked about my educational qualifications and about my job. He's obviously not the first person in the world to give me a certain kind of stare when they learnt that I'm not pursuing what I studied and that I currently don't have a stable career which I'm trying to figure out when I'm not beating myself up on the inside.

He started giving me some hard-hitting advice as a practical grown man living in the 21st century. At that point, there are two ways in which I can digest his input. "Fuck off what does he know about my life!" or, there is some underlying truth in his words to a young guy like me. He gave a very nice approach to his advice even though I was feeling kinda sensitive and small.

When I look at him, I know exactly what he was talking about. He is speaking from the shoes of a financially well-off guy with a successful career. Although closeted but living a very happy life free of impractical concerns and worries. As I look at him, I wondered if I will ever be okay. Will I be as successful at his age or will I be the person who didn't achieve his dreams?

Ever since I started documenting my thoughts here, I've always felt like I was throwing my life away. Sitting there and listening to him made me feel even more like I'm really throwing my life away. Gay guys and their amazingly successful careers are what makes them attractively successful and fundamentally able to build a life for themselves where they are well taken of.

As I got to thinking about my own life, I realised how it worries the fuck out of me every single day when I wake up. I'm already in my mid-twenties, but every aspect of it, professionally, sexually, romantically, physically, emotionally, financially, mentally is either fractured or doesn't seem to take on the direction for the better. This is where I've lost my confidence to live my life.

As the evening concluded, he conveniently paid for my drink before I could beat him to it and we bade each other goodbye. When I reached home, I got a text from him asking what I thought of the meet up. I smiled and said all the right things. He couldn't agree more himself and I hear myself say: "You're okay M. You're okay."

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Erotic Dreams With Body Issues

Lately, I've been experiencing a series of strange erotic dreams. All of them seem to revolve around hot successful guys or virile men that seem to be playing some kind of a sexual mind game with me. I wake up feeling like my blood veins have bloated to make way for more flow.

Yesterday, the one I had took place in an environment that resembles very much like a cross between a gay sauna and a male locker room of a sports club. The atmosphere was dimly lit, wet, misty, warm and there were lots of well-built naked men walking around busying themselves.

In the dream, I found myself approaching closer to this shower cubicle with a frosted glass door. Behind that translucent door panel, I could see a skin-coloured figure of an attractive stranger moving around under the running water enjoying his shower. I reached out my hand to push the surprisingly unlocked door open and locked it behind me after I step in. 

It was then that I discovered that the hot stranger showering in the cubicle was a naked M², (the Head of Department I used to fool around with) with an all-new chiselled body that was covered in water and body wash. Boy, I was so aroused beyond words at the sight. That feeling of adrenaline and excitement when you're about to have fun with another guy sent shock waves through my chest.

He continued to wash himself but consistently rejected my advances when I reached out to try and engage him for some fun. He wouldn't let me go far with my touching, and would stare at me with eyes that seem to suggest that I was not eligible to touch him while he carried on with his manly shower. I was frustratingly disappointed and felt rejected.

Then, in a change of dream sequence, I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of a cruising space amidst other masculine men. Some of them even looked very familiar to the guys that were in the second gay sauna I visited back in January 2012. They were walking around and cruising each other, but never gave me any eye-contact or attention. In fact, their body language seems to give off a vibe that seem to reinforce the inferiority I was worried about.

Standing there naked and being surrounded by men who were physically very manly made me feel like I wasn't good enough. They were tall, physically better built and had the looks and masculine air to match. The unpleasant feeling of disappointment and invisibility came back and engulfed me. Once again, I felt so left out. Ostracised if not. I wondered if there was anything I could even remotely do to transform myself into somebody where I never have to feel what it feels like not to be desired because you are not man enough.

As I freshened up out of bed and was eating my breakfast sandwich, I sat down there alone being struck by how this long time buried issue of mine could seep in and haunt me in the form of a dream. A dream that highlighted some very personal thoughts that I could never bring myself to admit honestly and openly without worrying if it will come back and bite me off my soul because I document things like that down here in this journal.