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Wednesday, 27 August 2014

If You Cannot Hear The Sound Of The Genuine

"If you cannot hear the sound of the genuine in you, you will all of your life, spend your days on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls." - Howard Thurman

Saturday, 23 August 2014

Sex Date With An Italian Engineer

During the same week that I got to know the Australian IT guy, I also made successful contact with an Italian engineer from Hornet who has been living in this city for about fifteen years. The day after I met the Australian IT guy in his apartment for fun, I found myself taking the bus in the middle of a Friday afternoon to fulfill another sex date that was separately arranged with this Italian engineer.

Throughout the bus journey and additional ten minute commute on foot to his apartment, I kept thinking: "Whoa M. Two consecutive sex dates on a Thursday and a Friday! That has never happened before. I'm really excited! Wait, the last two sex dates went very well and I enjoyed myself. So could this one potentially turn out to be a bad? Because let's face it, this is our life we're talking about, and our life never goes this well."

"Shhtop-it-shhtop-it-shhtop-it! Stop over-thinking and just go into the experience. Take it as it comes, Jesus", the sensible side of my mind yells frustratingly as it rolls its eyes. 

The Italian engineer lives in the centre of a very happening gay neighbourhood which was both convenient and exciting in a good way. Upon arrival at the lobby, I pressed the intercom and heard his voice through the speakers for the first time, telling me to go up to the tenth floor.

When I walked into his apartment, he shook my hand and closed the door, leading me to the living room couch where the television was on. But before we went past the dining area on the way to the comfy looking couch, he startled me halfway by mentioning that I needed to take my shoes off, of which I absentmindedly forgot because I was so focused on making small talk.

Then, I made an embarrassingly horrendous blunder of saying: "Sorry I forgot to take my shirt off. I-mean shoes! Shoes! My shoes! Oh God! Take, my, shoes, off." Jesus Christ I wanted to bury my face because I think it turned red. He obviously heard what I said but played cool and didn't seem to be bothered by it although he could have easily teased the crap out of me.

He and I settled down on the couch for about a minute or so while shooting the breeze before we simultaneously reached out for each other and naturally fell into a warm cuddle. Then he pulled me in closer to lie on his broad jock-bear body and sealed his lips onto mine. Oh God! Yum. There was tongue and he tasted of the flavoured mint from his gum. Not bad. So far so good!

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ] 
 - - -  Please STOP reading now if you're not comfortable  - - -

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Sometimes The Good Comes With A Little Sadness

Yesterday, I happened to catch a coincidental rerun of one of my favourite childhood TV series, and at the end of the episode, after the leading characters of the show successfully triumphed over the current week's antagonist, they were seated together and toasting to their success. During the toast, Character C suddenly looked very sad in which the following dialogue was exchanged between the trio.

Character B:
"What's the matter honey?"

Character C:
"The last time I was here, I was here with Finn..."
(Finn is the innocent whom Character C fell for, but died in mid battle during the climax of the episode.)

Character A & B: [sympathetic silence]

Character C:
"How do you guys get over these things?"

Character A:
"You don't."

Everybody: [silent]

Character A:
"But you learn with experience that you can't dwell on the losses." 
"You kinda have to..."

Character C:
"Harden your heart?"

Character A:
"Pro-tect your heart." 
"And unfortunately, the fact of our lives is that sometimes the good comes with a little sadness."

Monday, 18 August 2014

Emotions From A Miserably Cold And Rainy Day

Recently, a lot has happened and new gay experiences have just been coming into my life much faster than I can write them. So bear with me. Sometimes the sequence of my emotions don't make sense is because they are a continuation of current or previous events which I have yet to write about. 

Anyway, I'm about to document some thought and emotional processes that happened to me in a single day today. It started with me going out in the late afternoon to meet a new guy from Hornet for drinks in the city centreThe weather was miserably cold and rainy, but the man that showed up was cute and genuinely pleasant.

When he first got in touch with me, I never took him seriously as someone that I would actually meet for real. It's one of those profiles where you think chatting is as far as it'll go because the digital rapport between us wasn't very interesting. But finally, we both made the effort to arrange a meeting for real and that was nice.

After our drinks, he went back to the office and I stayed back to check my messages before leaving. Another candidate nearby whom I've been chatting to for weeks on Jack'd notices our very close proximity and asks if we could meet for coffee nearby after his gym session. 

I requested for him to meet at an earlier time so that I don't have to wait around in the cold and rainy weather. Unfortunately, he wasn't going to sacrifice or postpone his gym time just to meet a new guy so it didn't work out. The rain was getting heavier and I decided to brave the cold and walk myself to the nearest bus stop which was about fifteen minutes away. 

Then while waiting for the bus, I suddenly felt very sad. This sudden state of melancholy had nothing to do with the failed second meet or whatever, but it was just negative emotions and sadness that have been bugging me for a while due to my frustrating search for a sorted career path and romantic satisfaction.

While riding on the bus, I thought heavily and sadly about the Australian guy I recently metI miss him. Both sexually and romantically as well. "Oh God, this kinda hurts. Why isn't he enthusiastic about meeting anymore? Why doesn't he make any effort for us to spend time together when he knows I only have a few more weeks left? What's go-"

"M! M! Stop! Stop it. You're a full grown civilised adult male and you're whining like a girl who just got played. Stop being ridiculous. He has the right to do whatever he wants. You just need to shut up and get over your own needy emotions. If you can't play this game like a man, don't play it.", another part of my heart yells as I forced myself not to let my confused emotions and infatuation for the Australian guy carry me further.

Later on, the bus finally arrives at the street where I'm staying and I got off. But before heading home, I decided to buy some groceries and walked to the supermarket which was another ten minutes away. The place was filled with good-looking gay guys that evening, one of which I couldn't keep my eyes off because he was out-of-my-league handsome and impeccably dressed for success.

While at the check out machine, his boyfriend came with another basket of groceries and he too looked very handsome and equally successful. Jesus, do wildly handsome and successful gays partner with only other wildly handsome and successful gays?

This is probably not the most positive thing to say, but standing at the cashier check out, I felt envious and inferior. It felt like there was no way I could ever be good enough being myself. Seeing those two guys live their lives in a shoe where they've already got the incredible good looks and the career success, I wondered deeply at that moment about what my options are in life for a struggling gay guy behind this journal.

As I walked out of the supermarket, so did they, sharing a stylish big black umbrella together under the cold rain with groceries in hand. They seem happy and securely in love, which dug out genuine positive emotions from me to the couple as another human being, but also my very own sense of inferiority and envy.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Having A Good Time At The Australian IT Manager's Apartment

So after my kiss with the Australian IT Manager in the last post, I was convinced that it might have helped steered us onto a more interesting track. It felt like we gave each other a preview of what the potential experience between us could be, and then leaving each other to get together again.

The next morning while still in my pyjamas and dishevelled hair, he sent me a morning text on WhatsApp and I of course was ecstatic. As one chat bubble led to another, I found out that he currently has about three hours of free time before another conference call and was looking forward to seeing me for more of those kisses.

I said sure, and asked if he wanted to spend some time over coffee. He said to meet in his apartment, which I thought was a little weird because I remember him telling me about some of the house rules he had in place with his flatmates, and one of them was to never bring guys home. Jeez M, why do you care? It's not your apartment or your responsibility!

Our residential buildings are within a ten minute walk from each other. So after a quick jump under the shower and about half an hour later, I was knocking on his apartment door. His friendly Australian self greeted me with a handshake and I felt my heart light up at his presence. "Let me take your jacket for you", he said and just like a good host, he made me feel so welcome. Although I am no fool as to what we're here for.

I walked over to comment on his neat looking bookshelf and conspicuous amount of John Grisham novels before strategically positioning myself on the modern couch. He came over and sat beside me while chatting a little bit more. Somehow things just felt very natural between me and him. And so we closed in almost immediately and fused our lips together again. 

This second kiss then gave way to an amazing make out on the couch. There was tongue, lips, seductive whispers and hands groping all over. Him on top, me on top. I was once told that I should keep my talking mouth shut when engaging in physical activities so as not to spoil the mood. But surprisingly with this guy, the whispers we kept saying to each other made it seem like an exciting television make out scene come to life.

At this point, I wasn't sure what we are, what was going on, or if we should be going all the way, but before I could make a decision, he suspended the kiss and guided us into his bedroom like it was the most normal thing to do.

Before we resumed the make out, he took two minutes to show me a tour of his room along with the vast aerial view from his private balcony. Our suburb is so close to the international airport that you can literally see commercial jets touching down onto the runway from his room. I was impressed. However, the only issue I worried about, was if we have enough privacy as there is a high chance that people from the outside could see into everything that was going on in here.

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ] 
 - - -  Please STOP reading now if you're not comfortable  - - -

Friday, 15 August 2014

Romantic Beachside Date With An Australian IT Manager

In the last post, I wrote about how I've been actively cruising and spreading my network on the gay apps ever since landing in this new city. One night last week, a smart-looking thumbnail on Jack'd caught my attention and I decided to reach out to him. I have no idea how to explain this, but I swear for some bizarre reason, I just really like this guy even before he responded. It was as if he could harbour the potential to be different.

So after his pleasant reply, we took our chats onto WhatsApp and just really hit it off. Although I might have played it very cool, but deep down inside, I was dying. Dying for us to meet face to face after all that chat. However, he didn't seem to want to push for a meeting instantly so I backed off a little. Ho-o-okay, that's confusing. Why wouldn't he wanna meet if we're chatting along fine?

Then on Tuesday evening, the inner teenage girl in me just couldn't get her mind off him and decided to go for a how's-it-going message. Still, there was no excited feeling of urgency from his end and I finally asked him directly if we're ever going to meet. 

He said that he'll finish work early the next afternoon and suggested that we go for a drive in his car so that he can show me the scenic sights within the greater metropolitan area. I was extremely excited.

"Wait, a drive? As in like a date or we drive around and later on you do sexual stuff to me kinda drive?", I silently pondered to myself. The next day, I met him on the corner of a street with an open mind. Whatever happens, happens. 

He was parked at the side waiting for me. When he saw me walking to him from a distance, he got out of his car looking sharp in a crisp blue shirt that was tucked into his dark jeans and leather belt that complemented his brown shoes and aviator sun glasses. His car was a sleek-looking white Audi convertible. Jesus, nice car! And I love Audi!

As I shook his hand and appraised him in flesh for the first time, I could feel that we're going to have a good time. I also had a moment in my head where it felt so surreal. Firstly I was thinking: "Is this whole scenario really playing out in front of me?"

And secondly, I was just really intimidated by the whole package that was present on a cold Wednesday afternoon. The man, the attire, the car and the sunglasses because he represented a part of what I've always envisioned myself to be when I'm successful and in command, and now my dream is appearing in the form of an afternoon date.

"So you ready? Hop in!" he said. and we both found ourselves within the closed doors of his white Audi. "Very nice car might I say", I said cheekily. "Thanks!" His response was cool and confidently secure. I remember wondering to myself at that point if I would ever one day reach his level of human existence that currently seem so unimaginable to a lost guy behind this journal.

As he drove, we both carried on the conversation and gradually opened up a little more. The chemistry between us was warm as it was exciting. After about 10 minutes, he made a turn into this vastly huge suburban park and slowed the car down to a scenic crawl. The sun was up and the weather was beautiful.

Then with a spontaneous flick of a switch, he retracted the convertible roof and exposed us to the surrounding atmosphere. Damn. This is so much fun! I loved the sensational symphony of solar heat and cold air playing off of my face. But also felt equally uncomfortable at the attention when people would turn their heads and look as we pass by.

Afterwards, we drove to a nice-looking beachside suburb that was about fifteen minutes away. The place had an amazing atmospheric feel to it. Where surfers meet blue waves, boardwalk meets sand, and wooden architecture meets quaint cafés, of which we went to pick up some muffins and coffee before adjourning to go sit by the boardwalk. 

I hear myself take a deep breath, greedily trying to take in as much of the entire experience as I can into my lungs. The fresh air, the sea breeze, all of it. We took a walk and explored the beachside a little bit more before driving up some hilly suburban roads to reach this viewing point atop a cliff. It's not the most heart-stopping view in the world, but it was definitely the best I've seen that week.

Gradually, as the sun went down, he drove us back to the apartment I'm staying and parked the car on the side. We had about five minutes to say our goodbyes before he had to rush home to catch a conference call happening in about twenty minutes. I thanked him genuinely with all my heart for the date and asked if I could give him a goodbye kiss. He was surprised and excited at the same time at my openness.

"That's lovely but I don't have any mint!", he uttered. "It's fine", I said with a smile and leaned forward. Our lips touched for the first time and I melted. It was a very nice kiss. One that is too short to be a formality kiss, but not long enough for it to be a make out. Then when we finally pulled away, his face was drenched in need and I'm sure mine was too. 

After about 10 seconds of mindless grateful ramblings, I went in again for another kiss. Oh my god. This, this kiss feels different. Feels... magical dare I say! It was a long. Realising that there's only less than ten minutes before he has to rush home and take his call, I stopped and finally go out of the car. We waved each other goodbye and he drove away. 

I walked up to the apartment, opened the door, closed it and went straight to the couch to lie down. I was completely floating in a state of euphoria. It was as if I was high on drugs and my heart was just fluttering and spinning. I let myself lay there and enjoy the small taste of a teenage dream that finally came to me for the first time at a delayed age.

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

I Got Cruised At Starbucks Today

I was seated at a local Starbucks this afternoon with my computer, enjoying my hot cup of coffee in this cold and rainy weather when out of the blue, a cute guy in work clothes walks confidently into the coffee house. He was arrogant and intimidatingly smooth. 

I don't know how to explain this, but the moment he entered the café, our eyes just met and he held my gaze for a couple of lingering seconds before looking away confidently. It took me a while to fully realise what just happened but thankfully, my mind caught up. 

"Hey that wasn't just any look we got from him. It was the eye-contact. Strong, firm and filled with seduction masked in confidence. He was calling out to us and checking us out!"

Throughout the entire time he waited in line at the cashier and coffee collection point, I threw him reciprocal glances and he just kept giving me that very same seductive look and firmly looking away. I was blown away because I felt the way he did it was just so smooth and attractive. It wasn't creepy or weird, but everything a seductive eye-contact should be.

"M his coffee’s done and he’s gonna walk away now. Okay, if he looks at you ONE more time, you’ll have to step in and respond. Ask for his number. Come on, it’ll be fun to play this game like a real man for once", persuades the inner voice.

And with a to-go Starbucks cup in hand, he walked his way out and gave me one last inviting stare. This time, complete with a subtle smile that was so cute before disappearing through the glass doors. I smiled in return and was ready to leap out from my seat and dash out the door to get his number but realised that that would mean leaving my open computer and belongings dangerously unattended in a public coffee shop. Damn it!

Monday, 11 August 2014

Sunday, 10 August 2014

Prejudice Of Any Kind Implies

"Prejudice of any kind implies that you are identified with the thinking mind. It means you don't see the other human being anymore, but only your own concept of that human being. To reduce the aliveness of another human being to a concept is already a form of violence." - Eckhart Tolle

Friday, 8 August 2014

10-Minute Express Fun With A Mix Guy

Ever since the first night I landed in this city, I just couldn't resist the temptation to fire up my gay apps to see who's out there. I've been trapped on home grounds for almost two years that I am starting to get very bored of not just other guys, but my own profile included. I'd analyse mine and think: "Yeah yeah, we all think we're so special". So it feels quite exciting being able to take it out for a spin in a different geographical area of the planet.

As soon as I fired up the gay apps, I was so intimidated by the variety of men that were on that my confidence plummeted instantly into insecurity. Damn. Almost everyone on it was attractive. You've got the fitness models, the fashion models, the silver foxes, the handsome asians, the hot bartenders, the cute adonises etc. I am either in middle heaven or middle hell.

Beginning from my hot guy watch at the park last Thursday, I've been sending out a lot of messages and trying to spread my network. Wherever I go, I would make sure I'd refresh the gay app screen in order to leave a mark or a trail. It's kinda like fishing, but leaving the multiple lose ends open to catching whatever the universe sends my way.

So out of the 100% of messages that get send out, I'd say 80% gets ignored, 15% gives a reply that slowly loses rapport, and the remaining 5%, a potential sex date or meet up. You wouldn't believe the amount of effort and hard work it takes to chat people up. For what you lack in natural good-looks to allure people, you have to make up for it in determination.

On Monday, a hot guy I've been eyeing from Hornet, asks me if I was free in the afternoon for fun. Of course I said yes! Yes yes all the way Jesus. It's time. He lives just on the next street and I haven't played with another man's tool for so long that it's all I could think about everyday now. But the down side to this date was his abruptness and dismissive attitude. I knew then and there that this was going to be my very first don't-tell-me-your-name, we-meet-we-fuck-and-you-go

Then as the clock inched closer to the agreed time we'd meet, I got cold feet. I was scared because my last two sex dates failed miserably, and it proved to be a detrimental blow to my courage and inner fire. Nevertheless, I showered, cleaned myself and got my butt out of the apartment the minute his text came. And as usual with all crucial moments, the main door out the apartment building chooses to malfunction right when I'm about to meet someone for fun. The whole finding a way out ordeal delayed my progress by almost 15 minutes and I was late. He was annoyed.

Throughout the walk to his place, I had two minds trying to communicate with me. One of them is going: "What are you doing M? He wasn't being very nice! Walk away now. Come on, you can still back out!" 

The other one goes: "Don't be a coward and chicken out! Remember the formula you are trying to brainwash yourself to believe? Failure = Good. Failure = Success. He didnt seem to care about your feelings, so why should it matter to you how he feels? To hell with him. Go up to his apartment, and use him for your own benefit. This is about you now. Use the opportunity."

The journey up to his apartment unit was filled with more unnecessary drama. The main door didn't let me in, the elevator button doesn't let me press his floor. By the time he came all the way down to get me, our sexual mood was ruined and he was annoyed. 

He told me that he was supposed to be headed to another engagement within minutes and my delay was bad. "We have to be extremely quick!", he firmly repeats. And then I panicked. I thought: "Uh-oh, what is his version of quick? And what does he mean by quick? Oh my god, he expects to pop into my ass and pop out! What are we gonna tell him?" My cold feet and anxiety reaction was building but I kept my mouth shut. He smelled incredible. I loved the sex thing that he has going on with his hard muscled athletic firm body. Oh God.

Within 2 minutes, we entered the apartment and he commanded me straight to the bedroom. He firmly says: "Get ready now on the bed! We don't have time!" I stared at him for a zoned out moment wondering if him ordering me around was for real? How dare he... Then he repeats: "Now! Get yourself prepared now! I'll be back in a minute", and he disappeared into another room like a coach.

I acquiesced and fumbled with my clothes and belongings. I stripped down to my most presentable Calvin Klein underwear and just laid in his bed. I don't know if it was the hot guy, the bed sheets or the rough thrill, but everything felt very exciting. Then he came back into the room completely naked with a resealable bag in hand that was filled with lube packets and condoms. 

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ] 
 - - -  Please STOP reading now if you're not comfortable  - - -

Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Hot Gay Guys Are Everywhere In This City

I've been in this new city for about a week now and can I just say, what a good-looking place this is. Apart from the architecture, the views and geographical treasures, the city itself is bustling with a lot of attractive guys everywhere. The gay ones especially are most often very hot and very out of my league. Some of them even look like male fitness models which is unbelievable.

So last Thursday evening, while on a stroll in a park, I decided to take a seat on one of the ubiquitous benches for a little moment of stillness. However, for the next 30 minutes that I was there, I experienced no stillness because I was completely absorbed into a complete hot guy watch. It was rush hour and there were a lot of corporate city professionals commuting on foot in their dashing suits, also along with other hot body fitness guys who were running. My entire seating in the park might as well just be an ad for sports and formal wear.

"Oh look there's a hot guy. Oh wait there's another. Oh look wait, there's another. Oh my god, look at this one! Oh there goes another one. Aaw look at that! Whoa! What? Are you kidding me?"

Then on Sunday, my childhood best friend and his girlfriend decided to take me out for brunch at a local diner they frequent. The place was about a 10 minute walk from our apartment and while waiting for a table, hot attractive gay guys were seen everywhere. Passing me by, walking their dogs, grabbing a coffee to go, waiting beside me and jogging shirtless across the street. And I thought: "Jesus Oh God, I don't even look like that. How am I ever going to last in this game or even compete?"

The diner is run by some gay owners and as we sat outside and enjoyed our brunch, there was an attractive gay guy seated at the next table in his 30s. He was impeccably dressed in H&M from head to toe, with perfectly gelled hair and stylish sunglasses. He sat there eating his brunch, drinking his latte and reading the Sunday paper, impervious to whatever eye-contact or warmth smile I was trying to initiate except for when other guys walk past.

Well, what can I say? It still does hurt sometimes when people don't see you, but at least this time, I don't beat myself up for not being good enough like how I used to and to be honest, it feels very adult, very mature and very liberating.

Monday, 4 August 2014

Here In A Different Part Of The World

Last week, I finally got on a plane and landed in this iconic city on a different part of the world. My childhood best friend of 18 years lives here, and has built quite a comfortable life for himself working in investment banking. 

I came out to him back in February 2014 after having not seen each other for about 3 years. And just like I thought he would, he was incredibly supportive and open-hearted. I'm here because it was agreed that maybe it will do me some good if I left home and come stay with him and his girlfriend for a while. So I did.

I probably shouldn't be telling readers this after all that Law of Attraction posts I've written in support of positive thinking to manifest dreams, but for the past few months, I haven’t exactly been feeling my best. I was lost, unmotivated, occasionally depressed and always putting myself to sleep because of my emotional problems. So I've taken the opportunity to give myself a change of environment to see where it'll take me.

The next day after my arrival, I went out for a walk and wandered around the city's central business district on my own. It was refreshing as it was emotional because I thought that by taking a long haul flight, I could run away from all the depressive feelings that were plaguing me while I was home. But now that I am in a different place, those unpredictable emotions still do show up at random intervals and is tough to manage. But you know what, I'll be okay. I will survive and adapt, I always do.

Sunday, 3 August 2014

Longing To Share A Bed With Someone

This post happened weeks ago, but I'm just currently writing it down to work out some of my thought process. 

The time was 02:45 and there I was in darkness and in bed, trying to fall asleep when I suddenly felt my heart long yearningly for the warmth and novelty of having a familiar boyfriend fall asleep next to me. I wondered then and there about the soothing euphoria that comes when the boyfriend I share my bed with, drapes himself securely over me and holds me close as we sleep. The sound of a man breathing in slumber. His scent on the pillow, his touch and the smell of his hair.

It was one of those nights where I long to experience these human things that the rest of the world seem to have it fall into their hands so effortlessly, one after another. I lifted my head out of curiosity to study the size of my own teenage-era bed in the dark. "Boy. We've got a long way more to go towards that boyfriend and couple's bed you dream of so much. A long way more.

After a big sigh, I let my head fall back on the pillow to try and get some sleep. Then I wanted to touch myself. A little restless jerk-off might induce better sleep but my libido hasn't been cooperating properly in these months wither. I haven't felt properly in sync with my desires in a very long time. And even when I do it's mostly just quick jobs to feed the lust but not the heart. So demotivation won and I did nothing.

“Seriously M, a guy like you should be putting yourself out there, meeting more people and having sex at least twice a week. Come on, you’re not in your fifties. When I was your age, I was having a lot of sex. I met people and I could go all night. No matter how many times we did it, my dick was still hard.” T, the German backpacker friend whom I met again recently over coffee when he was in town.

As I continued to lie in my thoughts and desires, his words echoed through my head. He was right. I am not in my fifties. But my gay life seems to have taken on the form of an expired man or rather, a self-isolated one where I've lost my confidence, and have given up on developing myself. My sexual side is flat lining, I'm scared to go out and meet guys, I don't have what it takes, I don't have confidence, I am...

I felt my heart drifted away in a haze of my own prison cells before I closed my exhausted eyes into a world of temporary peace, hoping that the future might just get a little better for me tomorrow.