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Sunday, 13 May 2012

I'm Young, Gay And Insecure!

One of the things that come with being a young gay is the abundant requests from old guys on cruising/dating sites. If sex is not their intention, then I am never usually certain as to what it is they're really looking for: friendship, company, a date? Although I sometimes make it a point to send them polite replies whenever I feel that the person is nice and messages are genuinely sincere. But like most young guys who are not interested, I also tend to ignore a majority of them. This, scares me greatly. However not for the wrong reasons that they're old guys, but rather my severely insecure self that has given rise to the looming fear and realisation that I too might one day fall into their lonely shoes.

Youth is no doubt a highly desirable element in the gay world, but just like everybody else, I am not immune to its depreciation. Already feeling turbulently insecure with myself in my current phase of life, what will happen to me when it disappears before I could truly find my sense of self worth? On the other hand, I understand that it is only in the nature of younger generations to fully enjoy their youth, snub them old people and feel like we own the world. In fact, many young gays tend to get so caught up in their youth that they're blithely unaware of the existence and velocity of a countdown clock. Hence rather than contemptuously judging and dismissing our older gay brothers without a sense of respect or sympathy, shouldn't we take a moment and realise that we might one day be in their position? After all, they were once young, confident and desirable like us!  

Lying down in bed, I feel very left out in life. I am also very afraid of my future. Few years down the road, my friends are all going to stabilise in their careers and romantic unions. They'll start having kids and start building a family unit they can really belong to. It seems to me that the life of a gay guy is just so inevitably much more challenging. Growing up gay has led me to believe that I am condemned to live a life of loneliness and constantly feeling invisible. But I can't believe that until this day, nothing's changed and I do still believe in that now. In fact, many gay guys I've met has time and again showed me that despite all forms of success, being lonely is a very apparent scenario that comes with age. Not only because we're so picky, but I realised that you have to be very very lucky in life to find companionship, someone to share your life with.

Therefore, what becomes of the young gay when he one day finds himself being hit with the reality of being old, lonely and left out? Will we find ourselves in the same position as the older on-line guys whom we now contemptuously dismiss? It might seem a little excessive for an inexperienced gay in his twenties to worry about the unnecessary, but that's just my nature. I think. Too much! 

On the other hand, if you happen to be a much older gay reading this, what's your story? What are your criticisms and your two cents? Because I am smart enough to know that even though the passage of time may have drained you of your youth, but it was only in exchange for a wiser insightful mind and a more securely stable position in the game of life.

Friday, 4 May 2012

Birds Of A Feather Flock Together

Lately, I got to thinking about human relationships, people and their social circles. It started with an analysis of my brother, my friends and the various characters in my life in order to understand how we've all come to be ourselves. Despite coming from the same household and upbringing, my brother and I are just so distinctively different from one another in regards to our personality, pattern in life, the way we think and the magnitude of things we want. Due to this, the type of crowd and level of people we could connect with come from two enormously different worlds.

Every person within our social circle regardless of family or friends, represents a part of who we are and fulfils a particular aspect of our life experience. They most often harbour reflections of our character and mentality to varying degrees. Hence, the ability to neutrally judge the personalities and type of people with whom we are most comfortable with could tell us a lot about ourselves. 

Apart from friends and family, the same can be observed in one's choice of existing or prospective romantic partners. After all, people tend to develop relationships with other individuals in possession of a mutual state of mind and thinking. Therefore, take a good analytical look at your friends and partners, what do you see?

With that in mind, there are times where I often silently judge my brother and friends constructively as to the level of romantic partners they go for. Although some of the people in my circle are truly blessed with all the right packages, a kind heart, beautiful personality and great physical appeal, but most often end up with partners who are so much less of what they are in terms of personality, looks, maturity and character sophistication. The only insightful understanding I could formulate out of this scenario is that either their partner in question fulfils another aspect of their personality that may be unconsciously hidden, or all that it truly takes is a genuinely simple heart to mutually find and love another regardless of everything else.

Just last week one of my close friends called to talk about how she still has difficulty finding her niche amongst her colleagues at work. This particular situation at the office inevitably brought back memories of how she effortlessly tried to socially blend into groups during high school, despite having trouble getting a majority of people to relate to her then. Upon hearing this, my heart aches at the sound of her dampened spirit as I similarly recalled my years of consistently feeling the odd one out as I too struggled to find my place. 

College and high school might seem like irrelevantly ludicrous periods to judge one's past in comparison to the present, but they were no doubt truthful miniature versions of our society scaled down into the canteen and classrooms where I first got a taste of where I stood in life among categories of people. From the naturally talented to the determinedly disciplinedthe confidently good looking to the inferior, the natively privileged to the diffidently humble, and from the soulfully rich to the shallowly ignorant. Being exposed to a spectrum of personalities, I was able to distinguish the variety of souls, mindsets and level of thinking. It was truly in the presence of others that I not only discovered the quality of the kind of person that I am but also the type I wanted to be for myself.

"Peer pressure is for people who are afraid of their individuality"is a shiveringly accurate statement to address my Achilles' Heel of constantly comparing myself to others. Failure to utilise and acknowledge the positivity of one's individuality among a sea of common people is probably one of life's biggest unrealised potential. Which got me thinking of how impressions of a certain person are more impactful than some others due to the pull of individuality. Even though my unique personality yielded me both sides of a popular social life, the good and the bad, but the strong sense that came with being different certainly scared me and made 'benchmarking myself', 'wanting to fit in' or 'never being good enough' a soul corroding obsession. I consider my social circle a reflection of who I am, therefore the constant re-evaluation of myself and my friends was a theoretical way to help keep me on track with the kind of person I was developing into.

In fact, my unsuccessful attempts in trying to 'be in tune' with certain groups of people then, seems ridiculously silly now due to the realisation that it's impossible to defy your own social wavelength in trying to be somebody else you're not. As I look back on my social patterns, the varying stages of my growth, maturity and advancement were conspicuously captured and reflected on the varying groups of people I grew in and out of. Some were meant to be, and some just weren't. Along the way, I found handfuls of people who stayed in my life and never left. These no doubt blossomed and matured over time into lifelong friendships that are now stable and meaningful.

Looking at my friends in analysis, I've always felt that despite the certain imperfections and positive traits that gave rise to their individuality, each of them share an extraordinarily beautiful character, a pure heart and a deep soul. Hence if the reflection of oneself truly lies within the kind of people, romantic partners and friends you're truly comfortable with, then birds of a feather do indeed flock together. And it is with these reflections and principles that I reassured my friend Freida that everything will be okay, as nothing else currently matters more than our friendship of being able to understand each other and feel secure together as a wolf pack.

Taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, I am genuinely grateful for the pure and beautiful bonds I've come to share with a handful of special souls. With such strong friendships in place, one develops more confidence in order to explore and mingle their way into other prospective social circles. Which brings me to '"birds of a feather may flock together, but the broadness of one's mind is definitely stretched and measured through their ability to mingle with differing levels of people"Remember that a poor person who mixes well with the rich doesn't affect his social standing or make him financially more wealthy, but rather respected and acknowledged for the broad level of mentality and capacity of thinking he is capable of.