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Sunday, 13 May 2012

I'm Young, Gay And Insecure!

One of the things that come with being a young gay is the abundant requests from old guys on cruising/dating sites. If sex is not their intention, then I am never usually certain as to what it is they're really looking for: friendship, company, a date? Although I sometimes make it a point to send them polite replies whenever I feel that the person is nice and messages are genuinely sincere. But like most young guys who are not interested, I also tend to ignore a majority of them. This, scares me greatly. However not for the wrong reasons that they're old guys, but rather my severely insecure self that has given rise to the looming fear and realisation that I too might one day fall into their lonely shoes.

Youth is no doubt a highly desirable element in the gay world, but just like everybody else, I am not immune to its depreciation. Already feeling turbulently insecure with myself in my current phase of life, what will happen to me when it disappears before I could truly find my sense of self worth? On the other hand, I understand that it is only in the nature of younger generations to fully enjoy their youth, snub them old people and feel like we own the world. In fact, many young gays tend to get so caught up in their youth that they're blithely unaware of the existence and velocity of a countdown clock. Hence rather than contemptuously judging and dismissing our older gay brothers without a sense of respect or sympathy, shouldn't we take a moment and realise that we might one day be in their position? After all, they were once young, confident and desirable like us!  

Lying down in bed, I feel very left out in life. I am also very afraid of my future. Few years down the road, my friends are all going to stabilise in their careers and romantic unions. They'll start having kids and start building a family unit they can really belong to. It seems to me that the life of a gay guy is just so inevitably much more challenging. Growing up gay has led me to believe that I am condemned to live a life of loneliness and constantly feeling invisible. But I can't believe that until this day, nothing's changed and I do still believe in that now. In fact, many gay guys I've met has time and again showed me that despite all forms of success, being lonely is a very apparent scenario that comes with age. Not only because we're so picky, but I realised that you have to be very very lucky in life to find companionship, someone to share your life with.

Therefore, what becomes of the young gay when he one day finds himself being hit with the reality of being old, lonely and left out? Will we find ourselves in the same position as the older on-line guys whom we now contemptuously dismiss? It might seem a little excessive for an inexperienced gay in his twenties to worry about the unnecessary, but that's just my nature. I think. Too much! 

On the other hand, if you happen to be a much older gay reading this, what's your story? What are your criticisms and your two cents? Because I am smart enough to know that even though the passage of time may have drained you of your youth, but it was only in exchange for a wiser insightful mind and a more securely stable position in the game of life.

2 comments:

  1. I am 17 and I always think of this, it doesn't make one feel much better.

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    1. Hey, don't worry too much. I wrote this post when two years ago, now I might have changed and grown differently. Although I still feel it sometimes. You will be fine my friend! We are all here together.

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