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Monday, 11 June 2012

Experiencing Gay Irrationality

I'm on a short trip away from home and once again staying in a backpackers hostel. I came to this city just to get a feel of things and to see if I might consider the possibility of temporarily finding a job here. While out and about, many attractive guys pass me by and my heart started spiralling out of control by the fourth, fifth and sixth guy. I then ended up back in my hostel bed feeling incredibly sad and cried. I cannot believe I'm emotionally here once again after trying so hard to stay strong.

Moments later, I decided to forget about my sadness and go take a bath. On my way to the showers, a really hot guy was seen checking-in at the reception and I immediately went crazy. As I shower, I tried hard not to let the sight of the new hot guy drag me back into my pool of sadness. However, as I was walking out of the bathroom, I bumped into him who was going in for a shower. Defying all forms of rationality, I immediately turned around and re-entered the bathroom to pretend to wash my face, until the reality of my foolishness hit me: "What the hell am I doing?". He obviously doesn't care or wasn't even aware of what just happened as I dried my face and left.

Back in my room, I couldn't stop wondering if he had finished his shower or which room he was staying in. I would secretly hope and imagine that he'll walk into mine and claim one of the beds that were close to me. This is truly the moment where I'm trying to convince myself that I do not possess some sort of a mental disorder, neither am I insane. So I grabbed my computer and here I am writing this.

After the shower, he came looking for a power socket in the lounge with his computer, but I was already using the last available one. With a pounding heart, I immediately started looking around for more power sockets in hopes that he'll stay and I'll get to gaze at him, maybe even tell him I love him. Unfortunately, he lifted his hand to signal that it was okay and then he walked away in search of another spot. With him gone, I'm feeling the urge of my strong desires to go look for him. With him in the same hostel, I can no longer concentrate on anything else except fantasise about how we're going to be acquainted or if there's a slight chance of me kissing his lower lip and potentially establish long distance before we decide to move in together.

So here I am, sitting in the corner trying to control my tears as I vent my frustration. I really don't know what's wrong with me, neither can I explain what I'm going through with this unreasonable insanity. It hurts so much and it's tearing me apart! How long more in life am I going to feel this way? I really can't handle the destructive pain that comes with being gay any more. All I want more than anything now is my old life back, right when I "wasn't gay". I just want to be myself and be happy again.

3 comments:

  1. how angst ridden you are! aw! i so can relate, seeing attractive guys and hoping they are looking back..but i live in a small town and it's unlikely they are out or even gay...I have poor gaydar and am attracted to masc. "normal guys" so it is hard to, as you say, figure out if the flirt or signals are getting to "him"...sigh. Pretty much worth trawling the profile sites of POF and such than experience this...I still have that "problem" a lot, going to the gym, but most guys are there to gaze at themselves or at chicks...I've tried local gay supper clubs lately with some success, and a few good meetups on POF and Bear411. Good luck! keep plugging away! I'm 50 and out only 3 years...you have lots of time to get it right! lol!

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