Sexually Frustrated!

Apart from feeling emotionally low, I've also been feeling unreasonably horny for quite some time. Despite the number of times I jerked myself off, the hormones cruising through my veins just kept wanting more. Therefore the other day while in bed, I did what I had to do again in order to relieve myself. But this time, while well into the resolution phase right after I came, I immediately found myself in tears. I was crying. The outburst was such an impactful moment that I couldn't quite understand, but yet it felt so real.

Nevertheless, it took me a while before the analytical thoughts started kicking in. I cried because I felt so pathetic, followed by a presumption that I might be lonely and sexually frustrated. I cried because I felt like an unattractive loser who still relied on masturbation to gratify my raging biological urges rather than having someone to share my perfectly healthy sex drive. It was an emotional moment etched in my head that I will remember for the rest of my life.

Even after having masturbated for days, I still couldn't find a way to get rid of my horniness or lower my uncontrollable sex drive. So I conveniently turned to porn. But right after I was done, I felt an extreme sense of guilt and was drenched in my own shame. This incident inevitably brings me back to my closeted teenage years of jerking off to gay thoughts while keeping it all to myself. After in which I would brainwash myself to partition the guilt and shame with insuperable walls of denial. Apparently things haven't changed and I'm still the same loser I was nine years ago.

I can't help myself lately as all I seem to think of most of the day is sex. My eyes would automatically swerve to every guy that comes into my radius. Everywhere I go, all I see are biceps, broad shoulders, broad chests, nice arms, nice skin, nice lips... I can't control why this is happening, but it's happening and I am not crazy. Ever since admitting to being gay, I've become even more obsessed with sex than while I was still in denial. As I pay more attention to how my obsession is affecting me daily, I've never been more inclined to question my sanity.

Feeling helplessly overwhelmed, I confided in my circle of close friends and the looks on their faces seem to suggest that I'm a mentally ill person who needs help. Which further strengthens the assumption that there are ways in which a gay person is being programmed that no straight person can ever understand. This is definitely one of them and I'm experiencing it first hand.

A straight guy doesn't have to make sure the girl is "straight" before making a move. He doesn't have to worry if it's inappropriate to approach a girl openly in the face of society. A straight guy doesn't have to hide his sexuality or justify his love for straight sex. He doesn't have to worry about being rejected because he looks average and lacks masculine beauty. Even if she rejects him, there are still about 3.5 billion girls out there who are "not gay".

So while everybody else is actively putting their libido to good use and sharing every ounce of it, here I am in tears and sexually frustrated as I deeply question if I'll ever extricate myself from the harsh realities that come with being gay, average, alone and invisible.