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Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Why Do Hot Guys Affect Me So Much?

Here goes an honest post that was written a while ago while trying to decipher some emotions. It highlights the shallow depths my thoughts are capable of. Reading what I wrote, I am afraid of the precarious state of mind that I am in, and realised how much more I have to grow up in life.

As much as I get very excited whenever I see hot guys, but they continue to remind me of how unhappy I am. For years, I have been trying to understand this massive wave of sadness that engulfs me every time after I am acquainted about the existence of a hot guy. Lately, the same surge of emotions are getting overwhelmingly out of hand that I can no longer handle the sight of an eye candy without feeling frustrated or despondent. Here are some possible analytical thoughts that I'm currently digesting.

1. Being gay in a straight world.

Apart from finding straight guys very attractive, the disproportional ratio of homosexuals to heterosexuals means that the majority of guys I lust after are inevitably straight and off-limits. Like the hot guy who just walked past you will never notice you in the same light you saw him in. That Ph.D. student whom you've endlessly chatted with at a dinner party will never reciprocate the attention you've shown him. Or that hot classmate who was completely unaware of the crush you harbour towards him.

Being gay in a straight guy's world is a form of invisibility I suffer from. This is where I feel helplessly trapped behind a self imposed glass wall, where million dollar fireworks and explosive hormonal chemistry is happening within me. But its impact and loudness can only be felt from the inside, when the outside has to project a façade that conforms to the reality of this world, which is a straight one, following straight world based protocol. In other words, I can't approach a guy and tell him how I feel without it being inappropriate or foolish.

I remember feeling immensely tormented while I was living in "the city where hot-guys-would pass-me-by-every-single-day". I couldn't digest my feelings or act on them and it was driving me insane. Things got so bad that I would silently pray that I wouldn't have to run into any hot guys because it was starting to take a toll on my sanity, and I was afraid.

2. Inside, I'm a sexually frustrated adolescent.

When hot guys pass me by, they drive me crazy and make me feel things. Hot guys are something that fuels my adolescent fantasy, an experience that I have yet to encounter. Being inexperienced means that I haven't actually gotten rid of the inner 15 year old adolescent who never had the chance to act opon his hormones and crushes. Because when my straight peers were gradually developing the sexual and romantic aspects of themselves for the past 10 years of growing up, I spent them fearfully suppressing and covering myself up in the closet.

Just when I thought coming-out would finally make it all easier, I suddenly found myself being hit with the harsh realities that surround the gay world and a bottled up libido that needs to be addressed. In trying to understand myself, I wondered painfully if gay guys spent their early years repressing themselves in the closet that once when we decide to come-out, we contract guy fever and go crazily hungry like we've never tasted meat or eaten in years.

Beyond the pathetic years of jerking off that can no longer satisfy one's advancing physical and emotional needs, I've now grown into a point where I can't seem to move on with my life without first developing the sexual aspects of myself. Therefore, the current hypothetical analysis I can come up with is that I need some sort of involvement with a hot guy in order to just get it all out of my system. To eradicate these uncontrollable feelings and most importantly, the inner sexually frustrated adolescent.

3. Hot guys represent an idealised image that I will never be.

Maybe because I don't consider myself one of them, hot guys continue to remind me of my very own insecurities and something I cannot have. Due to the innate way a gay person is being programmed to have excellent taste in men, I lust and yearn after an idealised image of what many gay guys would consider sexually attractive in a male. Being an average gay person who is still trying to accept himself, the hot guy truly represents an image of something that I'm not capable of living up to, which further provoked my already existing struggles with body-image issues and the constant insecurity with the way I am. All because I self-destructively judge and compare myself with others, which is detrimental to the confidence and self-esteem I'm trying to rebuild.

I've also mentioned before that I've always felt inferior to attractive guys. In addition to being an average gay guy who is often attracted to hot guys that are mostly straight, the package of being both "hot and straight", truly embodies something that I am not and will never be.

4. Hot guys are intimidatingly out of my league, even when they're gay.

For some reason, I am highly intimidated by hot guys who happen to be gay. The intimidation  triples when they're successful. Now I don't know if it's because I'm feeling the full force of my own inferiority complex, or did past rejections from these guys bit a huge chunk out of my self-esteem and confidence. When it comes to physical attractiveness, hot gay guys are no exception to the effects of the gay gene and will go on to have excellent taste in other men. This has proven to be difficult for me because within the context of cruising, my fears were validated when I had to painfully face my share of abrupt rejections from these guys. It's so tough, and I know it's only going to get tougher from now on. 

However in the context of dating a hot guy, I really don't know where I stand because I've never had the opportunity to encounter one on a personal level who is gay and who might consider giving me a chance. Deep down, I still secretly hold on to the hope that one day, this whole meeting and being together with a hot guy thing will happen to me. Although I am fully aware of the near impossible miscibility between fantasy and reality.

Saturday, 28 July 2012

Take Care Man

Remember this guy? Few days ago, it was his birthday and despite having realigned my priorities to reduce my dwell time on Facebook to less than 5 minutes, his name conveniently displays itself on the birthday reminder tab and my mind starts giving itself a mischievous smirk. My heart starts beating nervously as I knew then and there, that I was going to shamelessly take this opportunity to send him a birthday message to see how things are going with him. Damn it, I just can't help myself from succumbing to my residual crush curious temptations*. So I sent him a really simple message and closed everything.

Unexpectedly the next day, there was a swift reply from him. It's a thankful one of no more than two sentences that ends with "take care man"Ho! "Take. Care. Man". There it is. Nice and straightNo "how have you been since we last saw each other?" or "hey, I thought about you!" or "hope we could get together some time..."

Just plain old, "take care man".

Okay, so now I got the hint and my subconscious silently judges itself. Nevertheless it was fun and silly, although I'm not going to say that it didn't kill me a little on the inside. But what'cha gonna do about it right?

Monday, 16 July 2012

So, You're Different And One Of Them?

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, and somehow we ended up talking about her family. Coming from a strict household, she told me about her attempt to reinstate a sense of comfort to her worrying parents of high expectations.

"Come to think of it, my parents are very lucky to have me and my brothers as kids."
"In fact, I actually told them how lucky they were the other day when they were having a worried discussion about their children."

Me: [smile]
"Why do you say that?"

"Well... Firstly, because none of their kids are involve in self-destructive problems such as drugs or substance abuse." 
"Secondly, none of their kids turned out to be gay or lesbian because they (parents) would have disowned us."
"So I think that my parents did in a way, raised successful children and are very lucky in some sense."

Me: [long silence]

Although I kept a smooth face because it still wasn't time for her to know that I'm gay, but the unexpected second point certainly pinched my heart a little as I remember the situation I am in. A majority of people never had to go through this "difference", but I do. Some parents never have to deal with their child being gay, but unfortunately mine does. Call it guilt, call it self-pity, it is what it is and regardless of the immutable circumstances, I should put a stop to letting it affect me.

As I reflect on the journey that I've taken in the past few months, I am glad to have initiated the truthful discussion with my loved ones and finally move on to putting it all behind me. The prize consolation was that I could be honest with my family and still have them in my life on the grounds of unconditional love. At least I'll always have that, even if my gay life doesn't turn out to be a fulfilling one. Right? (This part certainly needs more reassurance than I thought...)

The higher power seems to work in a mischievous but clever way in which I'll never understand. Had I been born into another context, would I have had it easier or harder? I really don't know.

I relate this topic so much to several plots from X-Men, when members of a family struggle to handle and accept the fact that one of their pubescent child is discovered to have the "X-gene" that causes them to be born a mutant and to being "different". The mutant child is then burdened with the challenges of society and having to accept their difference. They proceed to discover the sudden changes that come with having to be categorised as "mutants", and also having to associate and integrate themselves into the "mutant community" with similar individuals when none of their biological siblings or family members are a part of. It's a harsh world, but at least mutants have superpowers to play with. What can I do or look forward to?

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

A Battle With Self Acceptance

One of my close friends from high school is of a darker skin race. Living in a world where subtle racism is still present towards people of her ethnicity, she recounted how her primary school years have played an important role in the development of her self acceptance. While she was at school, classmates that came into physical contact with her irrespective of intention or accident would immediately proceed to wipe their hands on their pants. Such atrocious gestures that could only stem from the ignorant behaviour on the part of younger generations, degraded her self-worth because she felt horrible for being in her own skin. It was then that she determinedly held on to the belief that one day when she's older, things would change and that her skin colour was going to lighten, dissipating with it all discriminatory qualities that fell on her shoulders.

Then came a point during the later years where it hit her hard that nothing was going to change and that she was actually going to remain the same for the rest of her life. It was a difficult moment of realisation and a harsh wake-up call, but she took it in her stride and accepted herself. Gradually as the years go by, she blossomed into an intelligent, attractive girl with a unique personality who has never been prouder of being herself. I am still to this very day, impressed and in awe of how things seem to have fallen into place for her.

Listening to this story made me realise that although the context of my situation might differ to a certain extend, but I am indeed going through a similar moment of truth, with the exception of being able to accept myself. When I was growing up, I've always felt different and unattractive. Even while looking at reflections or at pictures of myself, I've always sensed that something was off-key or lacking. I've always felt secondary, insecure and inferior towards others. I deeply envy my friends for never having to constantly re-evaluate who they are in life or the way they were born. The girls were charismatic, beautiful, intelligent, easy-going and themselves. The guys around me were always tall, well-built, secure, masculine and confident achievers who looked-good. 

My height, my built and my looks have always been my main concern as I've always felt secondary in comparison to the other guys. Feeling left out and with a determined heart, I too brainwashed myself into believing that one day, when I'm well in my twenties, "things will turn around for me" and I will stop feeling inadequate. I'm going to catch up with everybody else and maybe even surpass them. I'm going to be taller, I'm going to have a nice built and I'm going to be better-looking, if not hot. After all, why else would I be worse than everyone else at this age?

Unfortunately, I am now hit with the reality of being in my twenties, still never having grown into that physically ideal image I had of myself when I was young. Despite the recent years of discovering that I am a late-developer, but the chances of it being the real reason for why things haven't change on my side doesn't seem to be very probable. I feel so crushed! 

To rub salt to the wound, my homosexuality never "went away" and followed me right through to adulthood. In the gay world, I am then confronted with the harsh realities of being a gay guy, where masculinity and physical attractiveness is priority number one. Don't ask why, but it's something that comes with being a guy and being gay. Without it, you're left to fend for yourself. Ever since my admittance, I find myself helplessly trapped in a cruel cycle that I too am partially responsible for, because all guys only want attractive guys. Even though I might have grown and looked better, but it still wasn't good enough by gay standards. In fact, it feels much worse than while I was trying to fit in with my straight peers. This is the breaking point in which I find myself questioning the higher power, why me? Why did you make me the way I am and have me walk life as a gay person? Did I really do something wrong in my past life to deserve such a difficult one in the present?

Analysing my situation as a whole, I couldn't help but notice that my river of life since its inception, has been partially destined to meander through 'secondary terrains', creating 'unmanly bends' while carving an undesirable course out of 'insecure forests' and 'inferior settlements', just to eventually fan out at an 'average water source' without an 'attractive delta'. In other words, I guess I am embarrassed by how I seem to have been put on earth with flawed circumstances that conveniently culminate with me being an under average gay person. 

"The Ugly Duckling" story has always shared a special place in my heart because I optimistically believed that my life story was somehow going to emulate it. That at the end of the day, despite all of the inadequacies that I've felt, I was actually swan material. Unfortunately in the face of reality, having to accept that I may not be one of the lucky ones who will enjoy this fantasy denouement is difficult, but it really is time to wake up. It's like asking to one day finally be "physically hot and also sexually straightened", how ludicrous?

I'm trying to find solace in the saying that goes: "God is not changing your situation, because he wants to change your heart". But it's harder than I thought because I've always known to be my own worst enemy and it's a tough battle with my stubborn self.