A Battle With Self Acceptance

One of my close friends from high school is of a darker skin race. Living in a world where subtle racism is still present towards people of her ethnicity, she recounted how her primary school years have played an important role in the development of her self acceptance. While she was at school, classmates that came into physical contact with her irrespective of intention or accident would immediately proceed to wipe their hands on their pants. Such atrocious gestures that could only stem from the ignorant behaviour on the part of younger generations, degraded her self-worth because she felt horrible for being in her own skin. It was then that she determinedly held on to the belief that one day when she's older, things would change and that her skin colour was going to lighten, dissipating with it all discriminatory qualities that fell on her shoulders.

Then came a point during the later years where it hit her hard that nothing was going to change and that she was actually going to remain the same for the rest of her life. It was a difficult moment of realisation and a harsh wake-up call, but she took it in her stride and accepted herself. Gradually as the years go by, she blossomed into an intelligent, attractive girl with a unique personality who has never been prouder of being herself. I am still to this very day, impressed and in awe of how things seem to have fallen into place for her.

Listening to this story made me realise that although the context of my situation might differ to a certain extend, but I am indeed going through a similar moment of truth, with the exception of being able to accept myself. When I was growing up, I've always felt different and unattractive. Even while looking at reflections or at pictures of myself, I've always sensed that something was off-key or lacking. I've always felt secondary, insecure and inferior towards others. I deeply envy my friends for never having to constantly re-evaluate who they are in life or the way they were born. The girls were charismatic, beautiful, intelligent, easy-going and themselves. The guys around me were always tall, well-built, secure, masculine and confident achievers who looked-good. 

My height, my built and my looks have always been my main concern as I've always felt secondary in comparison to the other guys. Feeling left out and with a determined heart, I too brainwashed myself into believing that one day, when I'm well in my twenties, "things will turn around for me" and I will stop feeling inadequate. I'm going to catch up with everybody else and maybe even surpass them. I'm going to be taller, I'm going to have a nice built and I'm going to be better-looking, if not hot. After all, why else would I be worse than everyone else at this age?

Unfortunately, I am now hit with the reality of being in my twenties, still never having grown into that physically ideal image I had of myself when I was young. Despite the recent years of discovering that I am a late-developer, but the chances of it being the real reason for why things haven't change on my side doesn't seem to be very probable. I feel so crushed! 

To rub salt to the wound, my homosexuality never "went away" and followed me right through to adulthood. In the gay world, I am then confronted with the harsh realities of being a gay guy, where masculinity and physical attractiveness is priority number one. Don't ask why, but it's something that comes with being a guy and being gay. Without it, you're left to fend for yourself. Ever since my admittance, I find myself helplessly trapped in a cruel cycle that I too am partially responsible for, because all guys only want attractive guys. Even though I might have grown and looked better, but it still wasn't good enough by gay standards. In fact, it feels much worse than while I was trying to fit in with my straight peers. This is the breaking point in which I find myself questioning the higher power, why me? Why did you make me the way I am and have me walk life as a gay person? Did I really do something wrong in my past life to deserve such a difficult one in the present?

Analysing my situation as a whole, I couldn't help but notice that my river of life since its inception, has been partially destined to meander through 'secondary terrains', creating 'unmanly bends' while carving an undesirable course out of 'insecure forests' and 'inferior settlements', just to eventually fan out at an 'average water source' without an 'attractive delta'. In other words, I guess I am embarrassed by how I seem to have been put on earth with flawed circumstances that conveniently culminate with me being an under average gay person. 

"The Ugly Duckling" story has always shared a special place in my heart because I optimistically believed that my life story was somehow going to emulate it. That at the end of the day, despite all of the inadequacies that I've felt, I was actually swan material. Unfortunately in the face of reality, having to accept that I may not be one of the lucky ones who will enjoy this fantasy denouement is difficult, but it really is time to wake up. It's like asking to one day finally be "physically hot and also sexually straightened", how ludicrous?

I'm trying to find solace in the saying that goes: "God is not changing your situation, because he wants to change your heart". But it's harder than I thought because I've always known to be my own worst enemy and it's a tough battle with my stubborn self.