Remember What You Deserve

"Sometimes you must forget what you feel and remember what you deserve" - Unknown

Sex Date With a Hot Pure Top | ❷

[ Previously on... Sex Date With a Hot Pure Top | ❶ ]

This time, he kissed me while in the intimate Folded Deck Chair position and murmured: "Relax. Relax... Forget all distractions. Look at me, look into my eyes. Yeah that's i- Hey hey no! Don't look anywhere else. Just look at me all right? Don't take your eyes off."

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ]

Sex Date With a Hot Pure Top | ❶

A masculine guy with an amazing body in his mid-thirties reached out to me on Jack'd last week. When I checked out his profile, it was obvious that he's a popular top who holds the upper hand in replying only those who interest him. The fact that he initiated the conversation, gave me a slight boost to my self image.

His topless profile picture was so hot that I had to jerk myself off to it twice. I told him I liked what I'm seeing. Eventually over a period of about 2 days, we started exchanging messages which led me to an invitation to visit him at his place. I was in one of those risk-taking moods where I would jump at a sex date so I agreed.

I cleaned myself thoroughly and drove almost 34 kilometres onto an unfamiliar suburb on a late rainy night. When I arrive, I found myself in a dodgy neighbourhood. His dilapidated apartment complex was perched halfway atop a hill. I parked my car outside and called him. It was raining and dark so he decided to pick me up in his vehicle from the security entrance to his block.

He conversed with me in one of our cultural languages and it felt weird. For I have only ever 'fucked in English' so to speak, and the part of my soul that spoke that language rose to the operating surface. It felt like a different person, watching it carry himself.

We appraised each other from the corner of our eyes as the brief conversation rolled. It wasn't until he was unlocking his apartment door that we actually got a clearer look at each other under the bright fluorescent porch light. Yeah, the guy's hot. He's sex on legs and I'm about to experience him.

As I entered his home, the sight of his meagre living condition was no foreign to my eyes. I remember thinking that even though my parents gave me better access to things, I wondered for a moment if I will ever one day experience greater wealth on my own, or possibly live his life if I failed to make the right choices.

I requested to use the bathroom and he instantly directed me to the one in his bedroom. I borrowed some of his toothpaste and made sure I freshened up and smelled good. As I stepped out, he laid shirtless on his bed, watching TV in a prone position that resembled a crawling soldier. The sight of his tensile biceps, shoulders and alabaster back brought out the sexual predator in me.

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ]

I Had A Black Dog, His Name Was Depression

I stumbled upon an impressive 4 minute video by the World Health Organization, explaining depression in the form of a black dog. Hope this might help some of you out there.

Don't Wait for the World to Recognise Your Greatness

"Don't wait for the world to recognise your greatness, live it and let the world catch up to you." - Unknown

Mail: A Guy's First Gay Experience in a Foreign City

About 2 weeks ago, I received the following email from a nice guy who was travelling.

His First Email: ❶

Hi man, I know this is probably gonna come across as really random, but I felt compelled to email you just to say - your blog is amazing. I came across it yesterday when visiting this foreign city, and realised my hotel was at the end of the 'gay village' (didn't realise such things existed). 

Being in the closet and having never done anything with a guy (I'm 22) I told myself as I was visiting alone that I had to at least go to a bar. That's when I Googled: 'going to a gay bar for the first time' and came across your blog. 

I have only read a few posts so far, but fucking hell! It resonates. It is such a relief to know that all the things going through my head are not unique.

I'll not bore you with the rest of the story, as I imagine you get loads of emails. But I just wanted to write and say thanks for sharing your experiences. Had given plenty of food for thought already, and is good to hear from someone else who has gone through the same stuff.

#  #  #

I sent him a reply, thanking him for his sentiments on Gay & Invisible. Apart from that, I have also asked him to tell me more about his journey.

#  #  #

His Second Email: ❷

I think I understand what you mean by it being a process or evolution, though I worry I won't progress. At present I'm at: So, I must be gay, but this is something that I will just have to live with - but no one can ever know. Somehow a lifetime of solitude seems more appealing than facing up to reality - I truly hope (but doubt) this is something I can overcome.

So in this foreign city, I built up the courage, and walked down the street in 'the village' looking for a bar that seamed:

1) Not too busy

2) Not too old

3) Not to sleazy

(might have been a tall order...)

I walked to the end of the street, and back. I couldn't do it. I hated myself. It can't be that hard? I thought being away alone would make me less nervous about these things, evidently not.

I got back to the hotel, and watched some TV.  I opened Grindr on my iPad. I don't use it in my country, but downloaded it for the trip as I thought it might be a good way to meet local people. In the capital city, I chatted with a few people, but nothing really came of it. A couple of guys wanted to go for drinks, but it never transpired.

I refreshed Grindr, and within a few minutes someone popped up with 'hey' he was the nearest person at 50 metres. He was incredibly cute looking, age 21 and just so fit. I had seen his profile earlier in the day (he was a few km away then) but thought, there is no chance.

He started messaging in French, and I thought 'for fuck sake, I don't speak a word of French'. I Google translated 'sorry, my french is bad' and he replied in English: Yes! 

After exchanging pics, he asked if I was top or bottom. Having never done either, it's hard to tell so I went with 'versatile', he seemed satisfied. I suggested we met for a drink and he said he was in a club but it was boring there and fancied going somewhere else, we arranged to meet outside the club in 10 minutes.

I walked down and waited outside. Within a minute he walked out the door, even better looking than his pic suggested. What was he doing meeting me? He was way out of my league. He asked if I wanted to go in the club or find somewhere else, I suggested we found a bar, and he said okay but just needed to get his jacket from inside. He walked back in to the club and I was convinced that was the last i would see of him.

A couple of minutes later he walked back out. We walked down the street and chatted. Eventually we walked in to a bar and I got us a couple of beers. We sat chatting, I still couldn't understand why he would be interested in me? He said he thought my accent was cute and playfully squeezed my leg.

After our drink it was late, so we left. Walking back towards the direction of we met, I started panicking internally. I would love to go back with this guy, but at the same time was really nervous. After about 5 minutes he said "So, your hotel is down there?" pointing ahead on the street we were walking. I replied yes and he said his house was just down another street. A moments silence. He said goodnight and told me to message him the next day. I walked back to the hotel alone.

It was only when I got back that I realised he might have been interested in coming back. I started to analyse the night and realised I missed a great opportunity. I was sort of gutted, but at the same time proud of having a) gone to a gay bar, b) met and had a drink with a cute guy, c) told someone I was gay.

This short encounter seems to have made my whole trip more positive, and has given me a great deal to think about.

As soon as I get back home I'm gonna work to get in to better shape, I need my self consciousness to be less of an issue. I am potentially in the states on a couple of occasions next year (have started attending a lot of conferences in my field of study) - perhaps that gives me a target.

But where this all leaves me in the bigger picture of, will I ever want to come out? Will I ever be rid of my 'internalised homophobia'? Can I come to terms with this and stop hating myself? I don't know.

Anyways, sorry this has been such a long email, just needed to get it off my chest and obviously cant tell any of my friends. Hope all is well with you?

#  #  #

My Reply to Him:

Please accept my apologies for the delayed reply. Had to juggle a few things that came all of a sudden. Anyway, I am touched by the story of your experience so far. You remind me very much of how similar we all feel when we're first trying to find some answers in regard to our sexual identity and where we stand.

The process is made even more daunting by the fact that we've been so sheltered in the closet and in the dark that it makes "taking the necessary steps" to re-align ourselves to the truth of what we are, who we are and the reality of the self-actualised person we're meant to be in life, seem overwhelmingly difficult.

Based on your story, I think you have inadvertently jump-started a journey and a learning process for yourself. One that is oriented towards digging out answers that were long overdue to your, and also gay experiences with other men that are crucial to your growth as a young guy coming to his enlightenment. And for that, I would like to offer you my sincere congratulations and to reaffirm how respectable and courageous you have been to yourself. It doesn't matter how silly you think it might be, but you did it and certainly deserve to be lauded.

I went through the same process as you did. Particularly the part where you tried to get yourself to go to a gay bar because I too was that person, pacing the entire street back and forth and not having the courage to walk in. But don't worry about beating yourself up too much if you failed the first time because apparently, you did visited one in the end with someone cute and had a couple of beers.

So like you said, you went into a gay bar (1), met and had a drink with a cute guy (2), and told somebody you were gay (3). That is already 3 achievements to feel proud of, and especially for someone on his first try! I'd say your luck is amazing for a first-timer. I am truly envious but at the same time happy that somebody else is doing well.

I understand what you mean when you mention how gutted it feels to have not read the signs and acted on it. To be honest, you're not alone. These "clueless" and "missed opportunity" moments have happened to me countless times because I was literally in the dark about how these things work.

I just wasn't aware of the signs, the body language, what was supposed to happen or if this is the part where the guy and me are supposed to kiss, have fun, have sex whatever. There was no way I could have seen it or read it because I was just inexperienced or uneducated in that aspect.

So even though you might have missed an opportunity to go further with the cute guy, but I actually think what came out of the entire experience, starting from the part where you initiated contact with him on Grindr to the point where you and him were standing in silence, was a lesson and a learning process for you. 

You were meant to go through the whole package, nerves and all, just as I did before in order to learn from it and to pay absolute attention to how the feeling tone of the evening was speaking to you and how you should respond. To help open your eyes and to become more aware of the body languages, the moments, the window of opportunities, the skills and the courage that are needed to pull a guy. 

But don't worry and don't regret a thing. Perhaps it just wasn't meant to be. Did you get his real contact number or email? Maybe you might meet each other again in the future for some fun or even a date? 

With regard to the further questions that are burning in your head such as: "Will you ever want to come-out?, Will you ever be rid of your 'internalised homophobia'?, Can you come to terms with this and stop hating yourself?" 

I think these are questions and thoughts that will continue to raise your level of self-awareness, so much to the extend that it will change and spur other actions of reformation within yourself. So don't worry about it to the extend that it becomes a counter-productive burden that dampens the self-actualisation spirit that is now happening within you. Go with the flow, and be with it as it comes. 

Because it's all part of the journey and the journey itself is a process. A real experience that I can vouch confidently will bring you answers and help you live better because that is what the Gay & Invisible Chronological Chart is trying to document. And so far, I think it has successfully proven that we all do go through similar checkpoints in our journeys to accepting ourselves.

So if an absolute non-entity like me can in some way share my experiences through the chart in order to give future guys hope, I'm sure you hold more capabilities within yourself to face those questions than you realise.

I apologise too for having written too much but I hope I have said the right things my friend. I feel honoured that you share things here with me that you feel you can't anywhere else, and for that I thank you. I thank you for helping me to realise how wide, understanding and open I have dreamt for this mailbox and site to hold. So don't feel sorry for letting it all out. It's my pleasure.

All the love and support in the world, M

#  #  #

I haven't heard from him since that last email, but I sincerely hope that he is doing well.

A Conversation About Identifying Family Patterns

Lately, my writing has been teetering off the edge of being horrible and I hate it. I feel it strongly myself so please bear with me as I continue to pull things out from head-to-journal without giving the elegant fluidity of the language much thought. I shall endeavour to try and write better.

Last week before heading out to my hometown, I went to see my psychiatrist. On top of the medication he prescribes for every visit, he counsels me now and each time, it does help me identify certain issues and things about myself that have been deeply embedded.

For example this week, he and I got to talking about my tendencies of being overly harsh and critical of myself in an unhealthy way. I have a habit of blaming myself when something doesn't go right, and I judge myself in a down-right negative way. He mentioned that it's okay to be critical of oneself, but as long as it's not self-destructive, and in my case, it could do more damage than it will aid my healing.

Me:

"You know what's weird about it? Is that I don't, know where it comes from. I don't know how, or when, or wha... I don't know how it sank into my system. Because I'm sure that with issues like this, it has got to come from somewhere right? Like your upbringing, your background, an event in your life or whatever."

He:

"Yes. And I'm sensing that your parents might have been strict or critical in their way. Or perhaps you probably grew up in an environment where people must have been critical of you, and not necessarily in a good way."

"Was there a lot of affirmation in your life? Do you get reaffirmed, for being who you are?"

Me: [long pause...]

Me:

"I guess there was no affirmation from my father because he's emotionally unavailable. But with my mother, I'd say yes. There were many times where I get affirmation for my choices and for doing what I wanted to do."

"But I think you know... because I am too sensitive, and my mother was so practical in her own way, and strict too in how things should turn out that the constant comparison with other people, criticism and pointing-out of problems or issues might have just dissolved whatever affirmation there was and became the thing I focus on. But speaking of this, why do you think it happens?"

He:

"Well it can be a lot of things but I mostly think it's the culture that we live in. The society. I too personally struggled with affirmation when I was your age and found my way out of it later on on my own in my adulthood."

After talking to him that day, my strong beliefs in a particular life coach's theory about people inheriting the patterns and pathologies of their families sky-rocketed. Particularly if you grew up in a family unit that already has a certain kind of mental or behavioural practice that partially led to you being who you are.

That very same afternoon, my close friend and I were on our way to spending some time in my historical hometown. During the long drive, I started to tell her a bit about my conversation with the psychiatrist that morning. Then, something struck me and I started to ask her.

Me:
"You know, there's actually something that I noticed about you ever since we were friends. I mean it didn't even really hit me until I started opening my mouth a while ago."

She:
"What is it? Tell me!"

Me:
"As we all know, I am a very emotionally expressive person. I express myself verbally, physically, emotionally and also in every other possible form. Which is why I hug, I kiss, I touch and I tell people I love them or I like them. I've always made an effort in letting important people know genuinely how I feel about them."

"And I think 'that' was a gift to me from my mother because she hugs, kisses, touches and playfully caresses us since we were kids. She tells us she loves us and she expresses her love through maternal touch. I realised that because I grew up being okay and comfortable with that, I used that on the people around me too and sometimes, they get weird about it because it's not them or their style."

"So I was wondering if your parents do that to you? You know... touch you, hug you and kiss you often. Or maybe constantly tell you all the time that they love you to your face?"

She:
"I see your point. This is good, so go on. And I think I know what you're getting at. "

Me:
"Because I realised that you're not very good at 'receiving' those gestures. I mean I've constantly told you I love you, I like you, I hold you in deep regard. I've even given you kisses, hugged you tight and held your hand, but each time, you always seem a little stiff, awkward or uncomfortable."

"It's like you have no idea how to respond and I end up thinking that it was me. But actually, now I realised that it's not me, but rather your lack of ability to you know... "

She:
"Yes M. I think you hit a very important point there. One that I didn't even realise until you finished that last sentence! And yeah, I think maybe it's because I didn't grew up with that and my parents have never expressed their love so openly and affectionately like your Mom does. They don't say 'I love you' or 'I'm proud of you'. I know deep down as parents, they do feel those things, but they don't express it out.

Me: [laughs]
"No wonder. Bingo! Eureka moment for you!"

She:
"But listening to you talk about family patterns and pathologies, I'm now starting to worry if my children will grow up and inherit this lack of ability to receive affectionate gestures too. The hugs, the touch, the kisses, the verbal expressions... How can I change it?"

Me:
"I don't know... I'm no expert. But at least I'm happy to have helped you identify this issue. And maybe you need to start figuring out for yourself on how to embrace the things I talked about? Don't worry, we'll figure it out as we go along. We'll help each other out in our ways."

Coffee With a Cute Guy and More Growth

About 2 weeks back, I exchanged numbers with a cute guy on Grindr named B and have kept him on my contact ever since. Yesterday on a late Sunday afternoon, I made my way into this particular area of the city centre to meet him for coffee, even though I wondered to myself if it was such a good idea to hang out in the same place again after all the depressive feelings it gave me.

The place was packed, but I found a table and waited with fidgeting hands for him to arrive. I was a little nervous at how the evening was going to turn out. I know we were meeting as acquaintances, but deep down, I held on to the possibility of making out with him even though I was prepared for nothing to happen.

B arrived and I stood up to shake his hand. He was every bit as attractively good-looking, and as masculine as his pictures. Although what was recognisably gay about him were his subtle gestures, way of speech, body language and Topman-inspired style of dressing. But even so, the whole package was physically attractive.

As a gentleman who offered to buy him coffee, I finally returned to the table with our drinks in hand feeling slightly more confident. He intimidates me very much because not only was he 4 years my junior and attractive, but he also commands a certain air of maturity around him.

I told him that because of his good-looks, I was betting on not getting a reply the first time I reached out to him on Grindr. He laughed and said everybody tells him that. Throughout the 4 hours that we sat down together, the conversation revolved mainly around me getting to know him. He is openly out to his friends but not his family. 

I felt a strong sense of inferiority within myself when he talked about the many gay experiences he's had. Whether its gay friendships, gay relationships, going to gay clubs, sexual encounters, gay parties and also how in touch he was with gay life. I even learnt a few tips from him on what to look out for.

What amazes me was the positive way he turned out as a guy who went through an abusive childhood mainly from his alcoholic father who passed away couple of years ago. I asked him where he stood in regard to sadness and if he ever had a problem with his homosexuality. His answer was never because he has always been comfortable with who he was and started to explore the moment he turned 18.

He explains that he prioritises himself first and is generally a very happy person who doesn't seem to have one depressive gene in his body. He also mentioned about his past failures and his weight-loss journey to attractiveness, which started getting him a lot of attention not just from other gay guys and straight girls, but also propositions for part-time modelling gigs. 

He said despite it all, he doesn't feel that he's good-looking. I went on to reaffirm that he was and asked if he enjoys the attention. He said he certainly enjoys it but doesn't believe in it. I was quite amazed by how this guy continues to maintain a very humble and down-to-earth personality. In addition to that, he told me that he's actually a very shy and passive person at heart.

Through my years of growing up around people, I have come to develop an accurate sixth sense-like feeling when it comes to gauging someone based on their genuineness. And surprisingly after everything we talked about, I realised that he is unmistakably a very nice guy at heart who is attractive in body and in personality. I felt the familiar arrows of inferiority and insecurity pierce through me as I tried to ignore the pain.

After about 3 hours of observation, it struck me that we didn't really talked much about me and that he didn't really bother to ask questions too. There were many intervals throughout our conversation in which I waited for him to do so, but he just sat there comfortably in silence and in cool.

A part of me tells me: Nah it's okay, it doesn't matter. His young, passive... Probably isn't very interested in asking an older guy about his life. But then another part starts to tell me: Wait a minute, that still doesn't feel right. Is something wrong? Better pay attention to what it means and the signs life is sending you!

During the last hour of us finishing up our coffee, he started to point out the guys who have been giving him eye-contact to me. On one hand I was fascinated as an observant, but on the other I felt a little left out.

I curiously asked why doesn't he reciprocate the eye-contacts by approaching them head on and saying "Hi". He said it's not his style and plus, he doesn't like being invited to the toilet for some sexual fun. I mentally wrote a note to myself and immediately jettisoned whatever make-out ideas I had with him in my head.

The interesting part of our hang out was when he proceeded to identify every gay guy that started to pass us by. As somebody who has never been with another gay guy who does that, I enjoyed it immensely because I felt it was a practical lesson for me in gaydar development. An old guy with giant biceps worthy of concrete columns walked past and he commented: "See that one is obvious man!"

"Hell yeah! Is that because of his age and the ridiculous size of those guns?", I asked. "Yeah definitely!", he replied and we both laughed. Gradually, he also started to notice some of the guys he has seen on the gay apps and proceeded to point out those who have previously tried to sent him messages. That's quite a number of guys, I thought to myself.

His Grindr has been on all along and he starts showing me a couple of guys that have been messaging him ever since he arrived in the area. A good-looking guy from Australia within close distance has been talking to him, but gave B some lame excuse when he was asked to come by and say hello. I felt envious of the attention he commanded and wondered if I will ever get the same treatment.

At the thought of challenging myself to see where I stood, I decided to use the wi-fi and launched my gay apps. Initially I didn't realise it at all, but suddenly my eyes were telling me that the table behind us were all gay too. 

"Yeah! They all are. It's so obvious!", B reconfirmed the 3 guys behind us, along with 4 other guys that were seated at the table next to us.

"Wow, you knew this all along? I wasn't even aware of it until the moment I just told you!", I said. 

"Yeah they all reacted big time when they saw me using Grindr on my phone! I think they're using it now too!", said B. I took a glance and all of them at the table were indeed engrossed on their phones. 

"Hey, one of the guys just sent me a message! Is this picture him?", B showed me the profile picture that was on his screen. I took another glance at the table behind and nodded my head.

"Which one of the 3?", B asks. I said the one with the green cap but proceeded to comment on how masculine he looks in the picture in contrast to his real life mannerisms.

"Hey I think they recognise our profiles. They're currently giggling among each other as they look over to us", I said impassively.

"Hahaha, well they could just turn around and say 'Hi'!", B replied with a subtle roll in his eye. "We're right behind them."

After a while the guys around us left. B was still enjoying the attention he was getting on Grindr. I unfortunately wasn't having much luck. I sent the same Australian guy a message but never got a reply. In fact, his profile disappeared from my grid after a few minutes which meant that there was a possibility that he blocked me. That hurt but I tried not to dwell on the feeling.

The time was close to 8pm and B had to leave. So we shook hands, gave each other a hug and he left while I stayed back to see if there was a chance of me getting lucky. A French guy got in touch, but halfway through he left me hanging. 

After that, a few other guys did the same too which dug out annoying frustration in me. I continued to exchange more messages with a couple more guys whom I found attractive, but nothing concrete seemed to materialise.

Then my mind started to turn destructively on itself as I compared the attention B was getting in comparison to me. I could have easily believed that it has nothing to do with me as a person or how I look or whatever, but my self-esteem took a negative dip and I started to feel very depressed sitting alone in public.

"Christ, look at you M. You know this would happen and you knew that hanging out here would depress you. Why the fuck are you doing this to yourself? You're pathetic! You're just sitting around like a puppy, messaging every attractive guy on the apps and just waiting for them to respond to you in a non-lackadaisical way when you don't even have enough respect for yourself not to be affected by it. Why do you try so hard? Why have you become so consumingly desperate? And for what?"

After the voice gave it's input, I wondered if this horrible feeling was life's way of trying to teach me something that I have yet to realise. I suddenly felt an intense surge of anger and frustration. I left the coffee house to take night walk in the opulent city park, hoping that I would calm down.

As I walk, I saw that the whole world within the area was so happy. It made me feel like the loneliest guy on Earth in this skyscraper dotted park. I felt lost and I felt sad. I thought about my career, my happiness, and the many aspects of my life that is unfulfilled and struggling to play catch-up.

I lifted my head and looked up to the sky without knowing what I was doing. I looked up with a constricted heart, wondering if there truly was a "presence" who could see me now? Does he or it know who am I and what I'm going through? Does he or it care about the person and the pure-hearted boy that I am, and does that make a difference?

As those sentiments coursed through my veins, I felt a tingling burn in my nose and I started to cry as I walk. Through the trees, past the children's playground, past the lake, across the bridge, past the crowds, past the lovers, wiping my tears discreetly through it all. After completing a big round around the park, I headed for the train station to go home.

45 minutes later, the train I was in approached its final platform and I suddenly welled up again in the midst of my thoughts, but held back because I was in public. As soon as I got out of the station, I walked in fast strides towards the car because my eyes were already flooded with the second batch of tears.

As I got in and shut the doors, I sat there for a blank eerily cold moment of silence. Then I felt the heat build up again in my nose and this time, I started to weep. I wept, and wept, and wept in the driver's seat like somebody who hasn't had a good cry in a long time.

I was sobbing so hard against the steering wheel for all the things and emotions that seem to have expanded inside of me. My inferiority, my insecurity, my sense of worth, my self-loathing, my lost of direction in life and everything else that is troubling me.

After the long cry, I finally stopped, calmed down and cleaned myself up. As logic made its way back into my head: "Wow. Feels much better now. Jee, I hope that was it. What the hell was that? Gotta stop being a baby and move on."

I started the ignition and took a slow drive home. I avoided my Mom and headed upstairs to take a hot shower. As I laid in bed, I instinctively opened my tab to write all of this down. But I was just too exhausted with my emotions that I chose to go to bed and come back to write this the next day when I feel more recharged with a clear head.

Spotting Hot Guys in My Historical Hometown

Last Friday, this close girl friend and I were spending some time together in my historical hometown down south where I was born. As we strolled along a lively street that was lined with alfresco seating pubs and bars during the night, a table of tourist eye-candies caught my attention and I tried to walk it off.

"Oh M, I know you want to sit here so that we can look at them", my friend said while looking at me with a smile. I said yes they're very hot. But I don't want to torture myself again tonight by looking at hot guys so let's just go to the bar in front.

After choosing a table outdoors and ordering our drinks, we settled down to enjoy the crowded atmosphere and the live band that was playing. I obviously got restless at some point and started to people watch as I gulp my bottle of chilled beer. There are lots of attractive people here too.

Then I recognised the towering hot guy seated at a table in front of us. Earlier on while we were strolling around this quaint town, I've seen him around too and deliberately earmarked him as high on the hot list of hot guys I've seen for the day. And now, he's right here within spying distance. 

He was wearing a shirt that accentuated his beautiful muscular V-back and his concrete well built physique. He has perfectly short blond hair, haunting deep eyes, defined nose, chiselled jaw and an arousing stubble. His neck, biceps, arms, legs and thighs seem to suggest that he is capable of giving out good genes. He was a full grown adult male and I can smell his male pheromones. I felt a slight tremble in myself. Damn, he's my man. I love him.

For the next hour, I couldn't keep my eyes off him and groped every part that is 'him'. Jesus God! I know all the things I'm gonna wanna do to that body and have him do things to me. I didn't like the fact that he was seated with his date, an exotic looking hot girl who could play a role in one of those island setting films. They were engaged in each other with relaxed interest, looking like they were in their "honeymoon stage" of dating. I felt a stench of jealousy.

"M, stop looking at him! You're making me look too! He's really hot...", said my friend as I laughed. I told her I can't help it. "Did you see all the other girls that were checking him out as they walk by?", she asked as a matter of factly. In order to stop looking at him, we tried to divert our focus towards looking at other people and also trying to guess which couple or person here will be "getting lucky" tonight.

Then the hot guy paid for the bill with his credit card and started to stroll away with his date. We turned out heads and finally there was touching and hugging between them. "Ho ho! He's getting lucky with her tonight. No wait, actually... she's getting lucky with him tonight. Oh wait... Well let's just say they're both gonna get lucky tonight M!", she said to me with a slight chuckling tease.

My mind started to imagine him having fun with her, the intimacy between them and of how he's going to grant somebody else the chance to enjoy sex with him. My face was ridden with jealousy even though it's none of my business. Suddenly, the inner voice scolds: Oh my god, M what the hell are you doing? It's none of your goddamn business who he sleeps with. Stop it! Stop it right now.

After about 30 minutes, I was still paying attention to everybody on the street. Suddenly, I spotted another good-looking foreigner dressed in a black T-shirt walking side by side with a younger plump local guy who was less pleasant to the eyes. I can't explain it, I knew instinctively that they were a travel hook-up because I had a hunch that I might have also seen the good-looking guy on the gay apps about an hour ago.

As soon as I saw the good-looking guy turning onto our street, I kept my eyes on his to see if I was right. Somehow within the sea of people, he immediately caught my gaze and he looked back with his beautiful eyes for a few lingering long seconds as he continued to walk past us. Jackpot he returned my eye-contact! He's gay and he's cute!

I couldn't get that erotic eye-contact moment out of my head so I turned on my gay app and sent a message to the good-looking guy's profile hoping that it was him. He answered me a while later in French and my heart jumped in excitement at the language. After a couple more messages, I discovered that it really was him and he's a traveller from the city where beautiful people would pass me by every day.

I started to ask if there was a chance of us hooking up, but unfortunately my city was not on his itinerary. I was a little disappointed because I couldn't get his beautiful eyes out of my head. Anyway, we exchanged contacts and I requested to keep in touch. Hopefully next year if I ever travel back there again, we'll have the chance to meet for real.

On our way back, I apologised to her if I might have been too inexplicably carried away with my hot guy infatuation. She laughed and said it's okay. I told her about my feelings of unworthiness and lack of confidence when I see hot guys.

I said: "Remember the Law of Attraction? You know whenever I see someone out of my league, my mind automatically generates these feelings of unworthiness in the form of 'I don't have, I can't have, I'm not handsome enough etc'. Maybe that's why nothing comes to me because I am telling the world I am unworthy." 

"Recently I'm starting to think that maybe the lesson here is to start learning how to turn those feelings around to trick your mind to start feeling the feel of: 'I have' or 'I can have'. Because that changes the energetic tone of everything! It's like you're shifting the energy from unworthiness to tricking your mind to tell the universe that your dreams are possible, and that you are actually worthy of attracting the guys that might be beyond your league. What do you think?"

She agreed in confidence and said that it actually makes sense from the way I put it. But she also thought that perhaps the trick to turning things around also lies in me. That whenever I see an attractive guy from now, I need to remind myself too that I am hot in my own way rather than feel inferior or unworthy. Her explanation is that the principle of the law is that like attracts like, and you need to believe that you are attractive in your own way to be able to attract other like-minded attractive guys who are already feeling themselves, to you.

Life in the Body of a Human Being

A couple of days ago, I came across a very nice saying that went something like:

As soon as you die, your identity becomes a "Body". People use phrases like: "Bring the Body", "Lower the Body in the Grave", "Take the Body to the Graveyard", etc. People don't even call you by your name whom you tried to impress whole life.

Take chances... Spend money on the things you love, laugh till your stomach hurts, dance even if you are too bad at it, pose stupidly for photos, be child-like. Death is not the greatest loss in life. Loss is when life dies inside you while you are alive.

After seeing the profound message, I got to thinking about a previous post I've written titled: Am I Truly More Significant Than My Container?, which explores the same concept of how we as earthly beings are actually a form of pure energy that is being contained within a body. The body is in fact a "container" that holds our spirit, allowing it to experience life.

But when we die, the pure energy that makes us the soulful being that we are, leaves the container and moves on to another plane or form, effectively leaving behind what is now "the body". I know the whole package is definitely more complex than how I've just put it, but these are some of my mere thoughts for the journal.

Mail: The Anonymous Guy Who Feels Despondent

An anonymous commenter left a long letter at the end of the post titled: Half-Hearted Sex in the Car | ❷.

His Comment:

I've found your blog (generally) very helpful. Words can't really express how much I've been touched by reading through your hopes and disappointments. It means a lot to hear other guys have similar very contrastive feelings, desires, sometimes self loathings and disappointments. 

I'm a very closed guy, straight acting and frequently get attention from girls which is sad because I wish I found them attractive. Mind I've never had any attention from guys, only very jokey comments from guys I've known a long time and know are straight like that I look handsome or nice in a bow tie.

This blog particularly upsets and relieves me as I had a similarly very uncomfortable experience with a guy. Only mine was very damaging for me psychologically. It was the first time I'd ever had any courage to try anything with a guy, if I'm honest it didn't happen long ago and I've not done anything since.

I tried finding a first experience by chatting online on a 'meet up' site. I hoped that talking, before possibly trying anything more, would help me to explore my feelings and provide me with some mental release by vocalising being gay. I had had no experience whatsoever and had not even kissed anyone before I agreed to meet someone. 

The guy turned out to be much older. I wasn't attracted by him physically but I felt like I'd miss an opportunity if I changed my mind and went ahead. He said I was a beautiful which was so intense for me to hear and though he said is a lot he then he sort of lost all subtlety and was then very rough with me. Eg: Oral (I'm also uncircumcised and extremely sensitive when I'm 'uncovered') and by hand. 

He wanted to go top on me but I told him no as I'm not ready for it and not entirely keen. In the end I ended up helping him out twice. I knew I wouldn't come while he worked on me as he just worked me too hard (I'm uncircumcised and very sensitive too unfortunately). Anyway, it was very unpleasant for me although he seemed to enjoy himself. 

Afterwards I found myself overwhelmed by a sense of shame and the experience was just bad. It turns me off the idea of ever trying again. I'm closed and unaccepting of myself really and although I find many men so painfully beautiful I keep hidden all my desires. But I think, now hitting my mid 20s, I'm getting to old to be inexperienced and my life so far is taking me down another route of rejecting my feelings altogether or at most to simply enjoying and admiring guys secretly from afar.

In a way though I think I'm happy. I know I do not have the kind of character to put myself through the massive mental chaos of exploring like you have. I'm an awful combination of a hopeless romantic wo wants love and who likes men but who utterly despises the idea of having numerous partners and is incapacitated by lack of and bad past experiences!

Your post has helped me to kind of stand back though and ask myself what is important to me personally, in my general happiness and as it stand I think that I am perfectly happy with my lot. I do hope you find companionship and love though. What bliss it would be to belong to someone who loves you.

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My Thoughts:
Hi there. Thank you so much for your gracious thoughts about Gay & Invisible and also for the well wishes in the end. When I first came across what you wrote, it took me a while to reflect on the kind of reply I want to give you. Should I ask you to find the courage within yourself to come out and stand firm for what your heart truly wants? Or should I respect your desire to stay in silent retreat if that makes you happy?

I think despite being the "straight-acting" guy that you refer yourself to be, the part of you that is attracted to the same sex has definitely arrived at a point where it spurred you on to go in search of gay sexual experiences. There is a saying that goes: No matter what the outcome, you gain courage just by trying. 

You went on the 'meet up' site and made yourself go through the whole process even though you were physically not attracted to him, and that you did it out of not wanting it to be a missed opportunity. In this case, I would personally like to laud you for your sense of perseverance and courage in trying to get some answers. It's never easy but you somehow managed to do it for yourself. So recognise it and reaffirm it, not for anybody but for yourself.

On the other hand, I think you shouldn't let one bad experience with a guy on your first initial try, push you further into the closet and ruin your spirit of ever wanting to put yourself out there again. Don't focus on it as a bad experience, but rather look at it as a learning experience or a practical platform for you to make mistakes and sexually discover yourself with regard to what you like and what you don't.

We're all not born with the innate skill of being comfortable and good at gay sex. But you know, the more you engage yourself in practice, the better you become at it and the better the experience and the guys you will start to attract. Don't give up on hope or yourself!

With regard to your sense of shame, I think that's normal. It will fade in time when you start to get more comfortable with yourself and also with the experiences you are having with guys. I personally struggle with it still throughout my posts, like the one you have just commented. But I can assure you that it does get better each time.

There are many people in world who live in places where they are not allowed to be who they are and sometimes, even serving harsh punishments for just being gay. So I guess what I'm trying to say to you is, please don't throw away the idea of possibly living an openly gay life or staying true to yourself and to what you want.

Perhaps what we need is a little push or reaffirmation from those we love, and the act of 'coming-out' to me now means exactly that. It means letting my inner circle of loved ones know the real me. Their support has definitely helped me come to terms with a lot of things and for giving me the peace and security to realign myself with my truth. Don't stand in the own way of your happiness and don't give up! I'm gonna stop here before this becomes longer than it should. Don't give up, have faith and try again my friend.

All the love and support in the world, M

#  #  #

(If readers have any personal advice to add pertaining to this guy's email, please feel free to do so in the comments section below. Thank you.)

Friday Evening Sexual Frustration and More Hot Guys

After the handsome hot guy and I went our separate ways, I finally met up with my regular friends who were also in the area after work. The time was already 7pm and I could definitely feel the Friday mood start to pick up in the air and the upmarket ambiance. The place was packed with people, most of them corporate executives, foreigners, tourists and probably expatriates. 

As we walked around and settled for a place to eat, I started to notice the amount of hot guys that were in the area again and man they were attractive! I mean I've been in this district many times before, but on no occasion has it ever made me feel like how I did when I was living in the city of beautiful people. I started wondering if it was me feeling unusually promiscuous, or is it just a mere coincidence in proportion to the heightened number of sexual triggers.

"Oh wow. Look! That guy and that guy is cute. They're even better looking than the real Westlife", my friend and I commented. The hot guys were everywhere I turn and it started to bring out all sorts of emotions in me.

Christ. What is up with this place on a Friday night?! I've never seen so many foreign hot guys within a span of seconds and floor spaces. I decided to turn on the gay dating apps on my phone with high hopes of seeing if I could catch any of the guys I saw on it. Unfortunately, non of them were and I got frustrated.

Throughout the next three and a half hours that we were hanging out in the same place, more and more hot guys just started appearing out of no where. Tall, handsome, cute, well-dressed, successful, well-built, dreamy eyes you name it. It was just one attractive guy after another and it was driving me insane. I lost control of myself and my eyes were swerving from one guy to another like flying darts in a public place.

I was constantly on my phone too, hoping that at least one of these guys would have a profile on the grid. But sadly, I couldn't find any one of them. Think I might have spoken too soon about my new profile picture. For the past few weeks, there is definitely a conspicuous increase in chatting activity and guys responding to me. But on this particular evening, there was none. Even if there were, I was just not interested, not after what was paraded under my nose.

"Are all the hot guys I want here straight?! But hey, wait a minute. What are the chances of them being gay and wants to get together with you either?", the bucket of ice cold thought splashed right onto my face and I started to feel despondent at the reality of things.

Soon it was time to head home and I was so ready to finally leave with my friends. As I got to thinking about my emotions while I was in bed, I discovered a pattern. Whenever I'm bombarded by too many hot guys, I unconsciously generate feeling tones within myself that goes something like: "I am not", "I don't have", "I can't have", "why can't I have", "will I ever have", "out of my league to have", "not possible to have", "not good enough to have", "not masculine enough to have", "not physically desirable enough to have".

When logic kicks in, I started to digest that these are emotions of unworthiness. And because I focus on them for every single attractive guy that comes into my space, it continues to drive me insane. That night before falling asleep, I brought myself back to the moment when I first wrote: Why Do Hot Guys Affect Me So Much and pondered deeply about the unresolved issues that are probably still residing from within.

'Stalk-Walking' a Hot Guy Up Close

It was Friday evening in the capital city, and I found myself walking through one of its bustling shopping districts after a meeting in a nearby office. With every step that I took, I immersed myself in the traffic, the sounds, the sights and the flow of cosmopolitan pedestrians. I was on my way towards another upmarket district of the city centre.

"Is it just me or are there lots of good-looking people on the street today on a Friday evening? How long have I banished myself to hanging out only in the suburbs? Since when was this city capable of playing host to congregations of good-looking foreigners?", I thought in silent observation.

After crossing a certain busy road onto a public square, I started to notice that the towering lean figure walking in front of me belonged to a handsome hot guy, who suddenly stopped in his track to ask a certain girl by the fountain for directions on how to get to the same destination I was headed to.

"Oh my god, did you hear that?! He's headed towards where we're going!", the inner hormonal teenage girl in me starts to awaken to mischief.

As I walked pass them, I had a strong urge to tell the hot guy: "Hey, I'm headed that way too! Would you like to walk together?" Unfortunately, I couldn't pull enough courage to do it. Would I have embarrassed myself or be perceived as a crazy stalker if I did? Oh-kay now let it go. Let it go! You're obsessing.

I carried on walking, but slowed down at every opportunity until the handsome hot guy caught up. Man, he looked amazing in his well-fitted navy blue polo-t, man jeans and polished leather shoes. There were firm bulges everywhere, the kind that tells you a man is gym fit. He exudes a certain air of confidence and intimidation into the atmosphere surrounding him when he moves. 

"Well if we can't talk to him, at least we'll get to inspect him from head to toe within close distance", the inner Mafia voice speaks.

Throughout the next 20 minutes of the journey on foot, I couldn't take my eyes off him even though I tried very hard not to make it obvious. We were surrounded by pedestrians and other shoppers who were also using the same route.

After a while, the handsome hot guy started to notice me and would purposely turn his head to look at the side but actually in fact, he was using the corner of his left eye to gauge if I might be following him. The inner Mafia is alerted but we think he doesn't deserve to flatter himself.

As I observe him like an eagle stalking its large prey, I tried very hard to interpret every second of his body language to gauge if there was a slight chance that he might actually be "sending me signals". Signals I delude myself that I "might have missed". Maybe he discreetly wants me to follow him? Maybe we might end up together in the men's room? Or his bachelor bed for the weekend? I did a man giggle on the inside.

At one point, when I was closely behind him, he stopped in his track again to ask another passing girl if he was headed towards the right direction. Ho! Handsome-hot-guy-cum-ladies-man chose to ask another girl for directions again when I've been walking right behind him all along? What kind of a card is he trying to play? Jeez!

As we finally arrived at the internal atrium of our destination, I gave it one last linger. Hoping one more time that there really were no exchange of signals between me and him before going our separate ways. He disappeared confidently into the crowd of another wing and I looked on from afar. As I sighed a huge breath and ascended the escalator to my destination, I couldn't help but judge myself again for being so foolish and invisible.

Half-Hearted Sex in the Car | ❷

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