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Friday, 22 November 2013

Mail: The Anonymous Guy Who Feels Despondent

An anonymous commenter left a long letter at the end of the post titled: Half-Hearted Sex in the Car |.

His Comment:
I've found your blog (generally) very helpful. Words can't really express how much I've been touched by reading through your hopes and disappointments. It means a lot to hear other guys have similar very contrastive feelings, desires, sometimes self loathings and disappointments. 

I'm a very closed guy, straight acting and frequently get attention from girls which is sad because I wish I found them attractive. Mind I've never had any attention from guys, only very jokey comments from guys I've known a long time and know are straight like that I look handsome or nice in a bow tie.

This blog particularly upsets and relieves me as I had a similarly very uncomfortable experience with a guy. Only mine was very damaging for me psychologically. It was the first time I'd ever had any courage to try anything with a guy, if I'm honest it didn't happen long ago and I've not done anything since.

I tried finding a first experience by chatting online on a 'meet up' site. I hoped that talking, before possibly trying anything more, would help me to explore my feelings and provide me with some mental release by vocalising being gay. I had had no experience whatsoever and had not even kissed anyone before I agreed to meet someone. 

The guy turned out to be much older. I wasn't attracted by him physically but I felt like I'd miss an opportunity if I changed my mind and went ahead. He said I was a beautiful which was so intense for me to hear and though he said is a lot he then he sort of lost all subtlety and was then very rough with me. Eg: Oral (I'm also uncircumcised and extremely sensitive when I'm 'uncovered') and by hand. 

He wanted to go top on me but I told him no as I'm not ready for it and not entirely keen. In the end I ended up helping him out twice. I knew I wouldn't come while he worked on me as he just worked me too hard (I'm uncircumcised and very sensitive too unfortunately). Anyway, it was very unpleasant for me although he seemed to enjoy himself. 

Afterwards I found myself overwhelmed by a sense of shame and the experience was just bad. It turns me off the idea of ever trying again. I'm closed and unaccepting of myself really and although I find many men so painfully beautiful I keep hidden all my desires. But I think, now hitting my mid 20s, I'm getting to old to be inexperienced and my life so far is taking me down another route of rejecting my feelings altogether or at most to simply enjoying and admiring guys secretly from afar.

In a way though I think I'm happy. I know I do not have the kind of character to put myself through the massive mental chaos of exploring like you have. I'm an awful combination of a hopeless romantic wo wants love and who likes men but who utterly despises the idea of having numerous partners and is incapacitated by lack of and bad past experiences!

Your post has helped me to kind of stand back though and ask myself what is important to me personally, in my general happiness and as it stand I think that I am perfectly happy with my lot. I do hope you find companionship and love though. What bliss it would be to belong to someone who loves you.

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My Thoughts:
Hi there. Thank you so much for your gracious thoughts about Gay & Invisible and also for the well wishes in the end. When I first came across what you wrote, it took me a while to reflect on the kind of reply I want to give you. Should I ask you to find the courage within yourself to come out and stand firm for what your heart truly wants? Or should I respect your desire to stay in silent retreat if that makes you happy?

I think despite being the "straight-acting" guy that you refer yourself to be, the part of you that is attracted to the same sex has definitely arrived at a point where it spurred you on to go in search of gay sexual experiences. There is a saying that goes: No matter what the outcome, you gain courage just by trying. 

You went on the 'meet up' site and made yourself go through the whole process even though you were physically not attracted to him, and that you did it out of not wanting it to be a missed opportunity. In this case, I would personally like to laud you for your sense of perseverance and courage in trying to get some answers. It's never easy but you somehow managed to do it for yourself. So recognise it and reaffirm it, not for anybody but for yourself.

On the other hand, I think you shouldn't let one bad experience with a guy on your first initial try, push you further into the closet and ruin your spirit of ever wanting to put yourself out there again. Don't focus on it as a bad experience, but rather look at it as a learning experience or a practical platform for you to make mistakes and sexually discover yourself with regard to what you like and what you don't.

We're all not born with the innate skill of being comfortable and good at gay sex. But you know, the more you engage yourself in practice, the better you become at it and the better the experience and the guys you will start to attract. Don't give up on hope or yourself!

With regard to your sense of shame, I think that's normal. It will fade in time when you start to get more comfortable with yourself and also with the experiences you are having with guys. I personally struggle with it still throughout my posts, like the one you have just commented. But I can assure you that it does get better each time.

There are many people in world who live in places where they are not allowed to be who they are and sometimes, even serving harsh punishments for just being gay. So I guess what I'm trying to say to you is, please don't throw away the idea of possibly living an openly gay life or staying true to yourself and to what you want.

Perhaps what we need is a little push or reaffirmation from those we love, and the act of 'coming-out' to me now means exactly that. It means letting my inner circle of loved ones know the real me. Their support has definitely helped me come to terms with a lot of things and for giving me the peace and security to realign myself with my truth. Don't stand in the own way of your happiness and don't give up! I'm gonna stop here before this becomes longer than it should. Don't give up, have faith and try again my friend.

All the love and support in the world, M

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(If readers have any personal advice to add pertaining to this guy's email, please feel free to do so in the comments section below. Thank you.)


  1. One thing he might ask himself is what does he think of sex? Is it purely for physical enjoyment, or should it be an expression of love? This leads to a further question: does he want to be in a loving relationship with someone?

    1. Hey, good question there! But I have a feeling that it could be the latter because he did mention that he is a bit of a hopeless romantic.