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Monday, 25 March 2013

Second Outing with First Online Gay Acquaintance

Remember the first online acquaintance from a few weeks back? His name is J and I decided to meet up with him again yesterday despite thinking for a while that I wouldn't. I didn't wanna close things off before giving it another chance at a possible friendship. So we had a simple dinner and moved on afterwards to chill at a coffee house.

While lining up, I recognised one of the hot baristas from another outlet that I frequent and immediately stroke up a conversation with him. He was very friendly and we talked good. Masculine, tall, tanned and handsome with an amazing body. "Come on, stop trying to delude yourself by doubting if he's cute just because he might be unattainable. Your eyes and what you feel are screaming proof. This guy is hot and you know it." I want him. I want to fool around with him.

After paying for our drinks, I rejoined J who was saving us an outdoor seat and sat down in the company of each other. He admired my behaviour as a gentlemen such as buying him a cup of coffee, offering to serve him and fulfilling his request for more sugar in his Macchiato. I guess little things count and I've never doubted my mannerisms of being a good date.

We were in a crowded place and throughout the whole evening since dinner, my wandering eyes can't seem to stop looking at every single guy that came into our field of vision. Including those who are not that great. J got annoyed at one point and jokingly said: "Hey I'm talking here. Why would I wanna look at other guys when you're in front of me?" 

I realised he was right. I was just being plain rude and I felt guilty. I apologised, but deep down I know I couldn't help it because that was the same weekend in which I was going through my overwhelmingly primeval sexed-up phase. Apart from that, my eyes kept swerving to the hot barista that was inside and I asked J what his gaydar thought of my eye-candy. He said he doesn't know because it's been wavering lately.

The hot barista's shift ended and as he was about to leave, he walked over to our table, pronounced my name, sent me his regards and left with his motorcycle helmet. J said he's cute, and straight so I can kiss my dreams of pursuing him goodbye.

J and I continued to talk openly about a lot of things. The most memorably topic of the night was underwear because somehow our conversation drifted to that department and he asked if I had an underwear fetish. "Yes! I do", I replied. I told him I've always had this fantasy of wearing another hot guy's unwashed underwear after he had a long gruelling sweaty day. Preferably after a work out or something.

At one point, he laughed and said: "Man, you're a horny little thing aren't you?" I giggled along because he was literally the fourth or fifth person over the past year to have used the exact same term on me. Horny little thing! I know I make no bones about being a very sexual being, but how am I this horny little thing?

By 11pm, we bid each other goodnight. But the shameless sexual animal in me spent the next 2 hours cruising guys via my phone, trying to catch those who were open to some spontaneous midnight action. I was just so ready to jump at any guy that would give me the green light. Sadly, nothing came up and I respectably took a quiet moment and questioned myself: "M, what is this? What are you doing?" started wondering if I now run around like a crazy person, trying to chase the years I was left out. Seems like the more I try to make it happen, the more it wouldn't happen because it's just not meant to happen?

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Deciphering The Sexual Animal In Me

I woke up this morning with a usual semi-hard on. And while thinking about which visual candidate I was going to use to sort myself out, I suddenly remembered the wet dream I had. I was making out with this motorcycle racer kind of guy in a bathroom after a journey. I can't remember the sequence but there was his motorcycle, his motorcycle suit and then his alpha male body. We somehow ended up fore-playing each other in the bathroom. 

I kissed and made out so hard with him while stealing side glances at the mirror that was reflecting our every act. Boy it was erotic. The process was long, rough and a built-up. Finally, I performed the most dedicated oral on him to show how much I love him. Then, I came so hard and good in the dream that I couldn't remember anything else except for messy thick semen and how mind-blowing everything felt.

"Wait, did I come in the dream or for real in my pants?", the thought floated into my head while I was freshening up in the real bathroom. I inspected my underwear and regretted that I was wearing one of my favourite pair of Calvin Klein(s). "Damn, I came a river for real in my pants too."

When I was in school, I used to envy my friends who had heterosexual wet dreams all the time because I've never had them, not even gay ones. But for the past year, ever since my admission into gay-hood I've been having powerful homosexual wet dreams if not frequent. I couldn't understand what brought this on, but yet I wouldn't rule out my analytical assessment.

For the past 2 weeks, I have been feeling extremely horny and sexed up. In the sense that, I just have this constant strong desire to want to make love all the time. To perform a sexual act with somebody or something. Now I really don't know if this is a result of me just being a normal hormonal guy or is this all part of the incarcerated virgin in me screaming to be set free! "Jeez. Calm down. What is this some kind of a phases-of-the-moon and inner-sexual-animal thing?"

And because of it, I spent so much time constantly talking to guys on dating sites all week. It's ridiculous! This weekend in particular, I was on the verge of losing my sanity and I just wanted to settle for anyone whom I could perform a sexual act with. Throughout the whole Friday, Saturday and Sunday, my inner sane self had retreated to a coma and you wouldn't believe the amount of straightforward messages I sent out. I was taken.

It is at moments like these that I start realising how many time wasters there are on cruising sites. Nobody told me how tiring and exhausting it is to chat a hot guy up. Man they're even more difficult to butter up than girls. Not to mention the occasional ridiculous excuses and lines they use. Dude, have some balls and face me!

Many of them would ask for a clear picture of my face and then disappear into silence once I give them what they want. Yeah yeah, I know it's the standard protocol but one doesn't need to be such a handsome ass hole. I found myself mentally cursing uncontrollably on the precipice of frustration whenever things don't work out. "Fuck you man! Fuck. You." 

"M, it's okay. Fuck them. You know you can't be that bad in term of looks and character, so just fuck them!", goes my defensive inner voice. The truthful fact that no guys agreed to a sex date this week meant that I had to rely on masturbation to stay sane. I can't even remember the ridiculous number of times I jerked off over the course of this all in order to avoid doing anything stupid, but yet I can't find the sensible logic behind why am I behaving so weird. I think its safe to say that my sexual frustration has never gotten this bad.

Okay. I'm going to try and calm down now as I let it all fall away once again with the passing of another week. For those who might have felt offended with my use of language, please forgive me and don't take the honest thoughts of a sexual animal to heart. After all, I'm still human.

Sunday, 17 March 2013

Top, Bottom or Versatile?

I have to write a chapter on this. While chatting to a couple of guys this week, I was confronted with the standard gay question: "Are you a top or a bottom?" For the general public who doesn't know what this means, a top in a homosexual relationship is the one who does the penetration, and the bottom is the one that receives the penetration during sexual intercourse.

So top or bottom? I can't help but wonder if the term is being coined as a substitute for the conventional heterosexual partnership in a gay one. Whereby one guy plays the role of the active and the other the passive. A dominant and a submissive.

I'd say about 80% of the guys I come across tells me that they're a bottom. In fact, they kept repeating it throughout the conversation for emphasis. Initially I couldn't understand why, but then it hit me that these guys actually take their gay roles very seriously and I don't. At this point, my inner journalist has never been more ready to get to the bottom of this. Interesting choice of expression! 

I think there are many ways in which one can demarcate their role of what being a top and a bottoms truly entails. So I've been asking guys what being a bottom really means to them. Some call themselves "the bride" in the relationship, others say is a purely sexual thing because they only want to be fucked. 

There are also those who see themselves comfortably in the female role of the relationship, whereby they adhere to conventional practices of how a submissive would behave around a dominant. One guy in his own words, said that he wants to serve his husband, like how a heterosexual wife would serve their male partners.

The reason why this system has never really registered itself in my head, is because we now live in an era where straight-gay-men (masculine homosexuals) and gay-straight-men (heterosexuals) co-exist side by side along side walks all over the world. So can conventional principles such as a top or a bottom, still be properly applied in 2013?

If roles are really that important in one's search for a partner, does this mean that if a guy feels that he is a bottom, would his search be limited to other guys out there who are purely tops? Is that how this whole partnership pairing works? Are there even enough tops to go around if everyone is a bottom?

Although I don't believe in categorising myself, but it is precisely at moments like these that I reflect deeply about what I want, what I'm about and how I fit into this top-bottom context. Truth is, I've never been the most securely masculine guy. But yet I make no bones about wanting to be treated and respected like a true man, even as a homosexual because for some reason, that turns me on beyond words.

On the other hand, I've also always dreamt of being dominated. Attached to an older boyfriend that is more mature and masculine than I am because I like the idea of being bonded, sexually and emotionally to an elder brother that I idolise. A mentor perhaps. In my fantasy, we both enjoy giving and receiving unconditionally. He whom I'm attached with, is broad-minded and secure enough to explore and share roles with me without limiting himself. 

So what am I really? What am I looking for and what do I prefer? Top, bottom, versatile? Hope to find out soon enough.

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Memorable Answers To The Questionnaire

I haven't exactly been in my best mood to write. There are so many things I'm feeling in my heart and I'd like to scribble them all in here, but whenever I want to put them all down in words, I just go numb. It's like, I don't know what else there is I can say to myself, or anybody else for that matter any more. I feel so lost.

Anyway, in an effort to inject some positivity into myself, I think it's time to reveal some of the interesting answers I've collected in regard to a questionnaire I formulated. I personally have been asking people around the world these questions over the past month and here are some of the most memorable answers that gauged my interest.

1. If I told you now that you could plan an event or throw a party for yourself, at which everything else such as (cost, location, timing, people, transportation, food etc) is not an issue, elaborate on where and what kind of a party will it be?

Memorable Answers: 
a) A big birthday party at Club Med in Maldives or Mauritius where all of my guests would stay in individual ocean suits on stilts. There will be cocktail parties in the evening, dance, music, buffet dinners and also every other luxurious indulgences you can imagine.

b) Fly all of my friends to Dubai or Las Vegas in a private jet for a once in a lifetime party either at the most expensive suite in the Burj Al Arab, or the most expensive hotel on the Las Vegas Strip.

c) It would be one of the atolls in Micronesia with all of my closest family and friends and about 300 strangers. I like to meet new people. It would be spread across multiple beaches and various music. It would be at least a week long event.

d) I will host an elaborate masquerade ball held in Venice, Italy itself. In which all of the invitees will be dressed in their most sophisticated costumes and Venetian masks for an event of a lifetime.

2. Right this moment, what is the one thing you would most want to witness or experience before you die?

Memorable Answers: 
a) The romance of staying in a small cabin for a week and paddling up close to the Killer Whales within the straits of British Columbia on a kayak with just my partner/boyfriend.

b) I am a mother and as a mother, my only true wish in life is to see my children grow up to live genuinely happy and fulfilling lives that is filled with unconditional love and inner peace. That way, they will be okay and I would have succeeded as a parent.

3. If you could invite 5 people, prominent or ordinary, dead or alive to all dine together at a table with you for 60 minutes, who will each of them be and why?

Memorable Dinner Guest Combinations:
• Bill Clinton
• Diana, Princess of Wales
• Alexander The Great
• Ben Franklin
• Leonardo Da Vinci

• Jesus Christ
• The Buddha
• Oprah Winfrey
• A dead victim of 9/11
• J. K. Rowling

• Rosa Parkes
• John. F. Kennedy
• Martin Luther King
• Elvis Presley 
• Gay & Invisible

Avalokitesvara (In Human)
• Oprah Winfrey
• Diana, Princess of Wales
• Mahatma Ghandi
Mother Teresa

Thursday, 7 March 2013

Chasing Guys For The Past Sundays

Here's a brief update on how I've been spending my Sundays. Ever since I returned to cruising online without expectations, I've been exchanging messages with a couple of virtual guys who unexpectedly stuck around.

For the first time ever since my admission into gay-hood, I now know what it means to have a comfortable conversation with another gay guy without having to push ridiculous amounts of effort into the rapport. Our exchanges just seem to flow naturally and that felt nice for a change.

Yesterday, I met up with the second guy I've been texting. I did meet up with my first online gay acquaintance about 2 weeks before but I have nothing much to say about that outing except that I was very calm and comfortable. It felt weird being able to converse with another guy of the same nationality and be transparent about my preference for men, which was truly a first for me. I have never been so "gay and normal" in my life, if you know what I mean.

Although the first acquaintance and I had a nice chat, but my chemistry for him even as a potential gay friend was a little off. Maybe because I felt that our minds are so different and the whole getting-to-know-you conversation was pretty much a one-way avenue? I don't know.

There was a moment when he asked about my sexual experience and I lied out of not wanting to look like a loser. He said good because he once knew this guy who was my age and still a virgin. I gave my best poker face but deep down inside, I knew that I was no different because I am as good as untouched. "Shucks. What if this was truly the lifelong reality and I've just been feeding myself with false hope that I too will one day experience romance and intimacy like everyone else?"

By the end of the evening, the first acquaintance told me that he was very impressed. He commented on how I turned out to be interestingly different from the other guys he has met and just couldn't wait for a second date. I'm not sure when that'll happen but at least I now feel more confident in knowing that I don't disappoint.

So back to yesterday's second guy, he was boyish and manly. We met up in a coffee house and I paid for his drink. Although there were some minor nuisances when the debit card machine was down and I had to make an embarrassing run for the ATM, you know the 'typical stuff' that happens to you all the time when you're trying to play smooth for a date. But we finally managed to sit down together for about 3 hours and had a pleasant time.

We talked about various things, ranging from personal backgrounds to our future as homosexuals in the nation. I have respect and admiration for him because despite having been brought up in a conservative town, he was very calm and accepting of his own difference. He was luckier in the sense that he did not suffocate himself in an unhealthy state of contradiction like I did, but went with the flow of discovery.

Halfway through our drinks, I started noticing his pink lips, his darkly tanned skin and his upper body. I suddenly hoped that the both of us would, by the end of this sitting be comfortable enough with each other to end up in a restroom cubicle together. I knew it wasn't going to happen because firstly I didn't have the balls to initiate anything, and secondly he's a self-proclaim hopeless romantic who occasionally "goes along for the ride". "Was that a hint?"

In about a month, he'll be quitting his current job and leaving to another state. The first thing that came to mind when he told me that was: "Ouch. He's leaving? That's sad. We just met and he's nice. Does this mean I'll have to grasp the opportunity to come on to him afterwards or never at all?"

"You know what M just... leave him alone. Forget it, let it go. You don't know and will never know if it's meant to happen or if you'll disrespect him. Maybe you really can't force things like sex. It doesn't work that way does it?"

I didn't know what was the right thing to do, and I was disappointed with myself for not having the guts to probe more and pursue the experience I've been yearning. My lack of courage won this time and I had to let it go.

6pm came and it was finally time to leave. We walked a couple of minutes in the same direction until we parted ways with a firm handshake. On the way to the car, I detoured to the restroom to take a leak. As I walked into the cubicle and closed the door, I instantly noticed that the toilet was very well designed and the partition was completely sealed all the way to the ceiling. 

I thought about how he and I could have come here and made out! We could have experienced body contact and I would have gladly, with the strong desire to please, pleased him orally to the fullest. How everything would have felt like if it happened. I was drenched in my own disappointment.

I was about to turn around and walk out after my leak when the thought of jerking off to that disappointment and just letting it all fall away in the face of climax, came to mind. After much hesitation in a public restroom, I screwed that worry and indulged myself in my own hands to get it all over with. 

As I got into the car and shut the door, the face for which we have for ourselves when we're alone, comes to face me. With every moving kilometre, my head was flooded with sentences: "I just met up with him from the dating site - We had a drink - We talked - I checked him out halfway - I liked his dark skin and lips - He's actually kinda cute - Will I still drive home a virgin today? - I didn't make an effort to bravely come on to him - Better not regret what you didn't do - We said goodbye - He is leaving in a month - I am the guy who just jerked off to him in a public restroom after a leak - I am a pathetic freak"

So that was pretty much how my Sunday went. I know this sounds ridiculous even to myself, but I can't gauge why I feel even more lost and alone despite making strides in trying to develop my gay side. Is it because I'm truthfully starting to accept things for what they are, or what it is?