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Thursday, 7 March 2013

Chasing Guys For The Past Sundays

Here's a brief update on how I've been spending my Sundays. Ever since I returned to cruising online without expectations, I've been exchanging messages with a couple of virtual guys who unexpectedly stuck around.

For the first time ever since my admission into gay-hood, I now know what it means to have a comfortable conversation with another gay guy without having to push ridiculous amounts of effort into the rapport. Our exchanges just seem to flow naturally and that felt nice for a change.

Yesterday, I met up with the second guy I've been texting. I did meet up with my first online gay acquaintance about 2 weeks before but I have nothing much to say about that outing except that I was very calm and comfortable. It felt weird being able to converse with another guy of the same nationality and be transparent about my preference for men, which was truly a first for me. I have never been so "gay and normal" in my life, if you know what I mean.

Although the first acquaintance and I had a nice chat, but my chemistry for him even as a potential gay friend was a little off. Maybe because I felt that our minds are so different and the whole getting-to-know-you conversation was pretty much a one-way avenue? I don't know.

There was a moment when he asked about my sexual experience and I lied out of not wanting to look like a loser. He said good because he once knew this guy who was my age and still a virgin. I gave my best poker face but deep down inside, I knew that I was no different because I am as good as untouched. "Shucks. What if this was truly the lifelong reality and I've just been feeding myself with false hope that I too will one day experience romance and intimacy like everyone else?"

By the end of the evening, the first acquaintance told me that he was very impressed. He commented on how I turned out to be interestingly different from the other guys he has met and just couldn't wait for a second date. I'm not sure when that'll happen but at least I now feel more confident in knowing that I don't disappoint.

So back to yesterday's second guy, he was boyish and manly. We met up in a coffee house and I paid for his drink. Although there were some minor nuisances when the debit card machine was down and I had to make an embarrassing run for the ATM, you know the 'typical stuff' that happens to you all the time when you're trying to play smooth for a date. But we finally managed to sit down together for about 3 hours and had a pleasant time.

We talked about various things, ranging from personal backgrounds to our future as homosexuals in the nation. I have respect and admiration for him because despite having been brought up in a conservative town, he was very calm and accepting of his own difference. He was luckier in the sense that he did not suffocate himself in an unhealthy state of contradiction like I did, but went with the flow of discovery.

Halfway through our drinks, I started noticing his pink lips, his darkly tanned skin and his upper body. I suddenly hoped that the both of us would, by the end of this sitting be comfortable enough with each other to end up in a restroom cubicle together. I knew it wasn't going to happen because firstly I didn't have the balls to initiate anything, and secondly he's a self-proclaim hopeless romantic who occasionally "goes along for the ride". "Was that a hint?"

In about a month, he'll be quitting his current job and leaving to another state. The first thing that came to mind when he told me that was: "Ouch. He's leaving? That's sad. We just met and he's nice. Does this mean I'll have to grasp the opportunity to come on to him afterwards or never at all?"

"You know what M just... leave him alone. Forget it, let it go. You don't know and will never know if it's meant to happen or if you'll disrespect him. Maybe you really can't force things like sex. It doesn't work that way does it?"

I didn't know what was the right thing to do, and I was disappointed with myself for not having the guts to probe more and pursue the experience I've been yearning. My lack of courage won this time and I had to let it go.

6pm came and it was finally time to leave. We walked a couple of minutes in the same direction until we parted ways with a firm handshake. On the way to the car, I detoured to the restroom to take a leak. As I walked into the cubicle and closed the door, I instantly noticed that the toilet was very well designed and the partition was completely sealed all the way to the ceiling. 

I thought about how he and I could have come here and made out! We could have experienced body contact and I would have gladly, with the strong desire to please, pleased him orally to the fullest. How everything would have felt like if it happened. I was drenched in my own disappointment.

I was about to turn around and walk out after my leak when the thought of jerking off to that disappointment and just letting it all fall away in the face of climax, came to mind. After much hesitation in a public restroom, I screwed that worry and indulged myself in my own hands to get it all over with. 

As I got into the car and shut the door, the face for which we have for ourselves when we're alone, comes to face me. With every moving kilometre, my head was flooded with sentences: "I just met up with him from the dating site - We had a drink - We talked - I checked him out halfway - I liked his dark skin and lips - He's actually kinda cute - Will I still drive home a virgin today? - I didn't make an effort to bravely come on to him - Better not regret what you didn't do - We said goodbye - He is leaving in a month - I am the guy who just jerked off to him in a public restroom after a leak - I am a pathetic freak"

So that was pretty much how my Sunday went. I know this sounds ridiculous even to myself, but I can't gauge why I feel even more lost and alone despite making strides in trying to develop my gay side. Is it because I'm truthfully starting to accept things for what they are, or what it is?


  1. Hi! I am really glad you've been dating! I know it is awkward at first. It was really strange for me, since I had never used any app... But since I moved to Japan I've been using them quite a bit.

    I know we all want to have sex, it is natural... I am also very shy and I usually don't have the balls to initiate any intimate contact, so I end up with tons of gay friends (and seem to keep increasing the number of friends).

    But I try to look at it with a positive outlook, now I have many friends! So that is good. And what if you don't get a screw from all the guys you meet? It's ok, sometimes finding friends and making your environment more gay friendly is a start.

    I try to feel that way... Maybe because I lost all hopes of finding a boyfriend in Japan. As for sex... I guess I am not that comfortable with saunas and others, so I end up like you... Jerking off.

    Anyways, who needs a dock that much. Sex is fun, but overrated, so don't stress yourself and just enjoy the people you meet.

    1. Hi. What great advice! I think it makes a lot of sense to this post. Thank you so much! Hope you're well and happy.

  2. This is actually a beautiful read in terms of exploring the various stages of life, so well done on that. It takes a lot of courage to be open and forward and you know that feeling, of being alone even despite of the great strides you're making, well that shall pass.
    Sometimes you're never as alone as much as when you're in a crowd or have just been in one..... It is like a doorway has been partially opened to you and you see a scene inside that you'd like to be in, a party perhaps or just a really happy place and then, before you can get right in the room, the door closes in your face and you feel back to where you were. Worry not, it wont be long before you go through the doorway.

    And yeah, sex is overrated, love on the other hand.....

    Good luck with the continuing explorations.

    1. Thank you Jason for nice encouraging comment.

  3. Just don't stress yourself with much expectation from your own.
    Just go with the flow as long as you guys are clicked !

    1. I guess this is something I really have to learn. Thank you!

  4. This was a really beautiful read. My word of advice to you, is try move on with this preoccupation that the fact you are gay, is the reason you are missing out on these encounters you crave. They will happen naturally, meeting these guys, it is all the inevitable build up to your first sexual encounter. It will happen. Trust me.

  5. Sounds normal to me. Keep moving forward.