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Thursday, 29 May 2014

The Return of the German Backpacker

About a month ago, I met a guy named T from Germany and spent some time with him back in my hometown and in my city. He was in the midst of backpacking around the region when we met, but due to some family matters back in Germany, his trip was interrupted and he flew home.

After what seemed to be 'the clear message' I got from him during our final moments at the airport, I was pretty much convinced that I no longer wanted to have anything to do with him. Out of realisation, out of withdrawal, and out of not wanting to be hurt. I needed to divert my attention and focus on sorting out my own life as opposed to any coulda, woulda, shoulda that was centered around my infatuation with him.

However during his time away, we surprisingly kept in touch via an instant messaging appThinking that the long distance might provide us with the option of being more open and honest with each other, I made attempts to try and discuss very personal things in the spirit of wanting to get to know us better, but he remained patiently taciturn. I guess that's not the direction he wants to head.

There are times when our chats can be as interesting as our conversations, and moments as pointless as merely exchanging words for the sake of it. But most often during the course of our exchange, I find myself wondering, why are we doing this and where is this heading? 

Fast forward to a couple of days ago, he finally flew back to town in order to carry on with his travels. Initially, I was excited at the thought of being able to see him again. But during the week surrounding his arrival, fear started to kick in because I knew that his come back is not in alignment with my efforts of wanting to stay away from him.

The plan was for him to text me on a Tuesday and we will meet. I arranged my time in a way that when his text came, I can venture into the city via the nearest train station. While doing some work in a café, his very late text finally came. But it was to ask me 'how am I doing' and mentioned nothing about the damn meet up that was supposed to happen. 

Tired of the wait and games, I asked him straight if we were going to see each other that day, because otherwise I will just head home. He suggested for us to meet on Wednesday instead because he had plans that evening until 10pm. Boy, I was annoyed and ticked off. 

"What the hell? Damn it. Didn't I mention over and over again to never tolerate waiting around for him?", scolds the bruised ego from the back of my head. I felt like a foolish puppy who once again got slapped right in the face by reality. It was my fault for allowing myself to wait around for him again.

I was going to send him a firm message, telling him that I'm no longer interested in meeting anymore, but quickly came to my senses that I might be overreacting and that I'm letting my deep-rooted insecurity cloud my judgement. I mean I am feeling what I'm feeling, annoyed but yet, I have no legitimate grounds to defend my anger because technically he doesn't owe me anything. I went to bed in slight disappointment.

On Wednesday, I decided to calm down and gave it another chance. He was running late but we finally met up face to face as agreed. The first few sentences upon meeting were awkward. T looked so yummy. Had we not been in a place where homosexuality in public is frowned upon, I would have given him a huge embrace and a firm peck on the lips. Yes, I was hoping for another chance in bed with him.

His crystal turquoise eyes were still as attractive as how I remembered it to be. We spent 6 hours together, first over a huge cup of coffee, then city walks and finally dinner by the street. The conversational subjects between us were quite general and casual, as I no longer was interested in trying so hard.

Throughout the entire time in his company, I paid great attention to every single detail that was happening in order to give myself the closure I needed, and that I was nothing more than just a local friend he met to kill some time with.

This time, he doesn't seem to harbour any hesitations in revealing more about his dating life with me. We talked about his ex-boyfriends, the gay dating game, our vastly different popularities on Grindr and also if I go frequently on dates. 

I made the stupid blunder of admitting that I don't meet guys that much and that I needed to make more of an effort. "God he didn't need to know tha-at. What does he gain by knowing that you're an unpopular loner?" 

He spoke little bit about some other guys in the city that he meets aside from me. "Argh, I knew it. We thought we were so special", utters the inner voice from within. And just as I was struck by the familiar notes of inadequacy, I felt the simultaneous relief of now knowing for sure how he actually sees me.

After dinner, we were supposed to head up to the rooftop terrace of his hostel to have some beer. Secretly on the other hand, I was also hoping for more. Maybe a make-out or a blowjob. Unfortunately, he told me he needed some rest and that he might want to meet another friend later.

As disappointed as I was that he chose to end the evening, I was more than glad to walk away and go home. At least, I know now and the truth is more valuable than anything. As we hugged each other goodnight, I took out the same hat he left me about a month ago at the airport from my bag and put it on nicely on his head.

Him:
"Hey hey. It was a gift to you. Why are you giving it back? I don't need it."

Me: [cool smile]
"Nah, it's okay. It looks too good on you." 
"Anyway, I was supposed to hold on to it for you until you get back. So now that you're back, it should continue to follow you on your journey wherever you go."

I was happy to give the hat back because I really don't want to keep it if it didn't mean anything. As I walk to the train station, I heard myself think: "If he wanted to spend time with you, he wouldn't make plans to meet someone else or end the evening. You do the math M. It's time to wake up." 

During the train ride out, a million thoughts cruised through my mind. I thought deeply about my behaviour, my unfinished process of being a lovesick teenage boy, and how I handled the situation. T himself might just have been a valuable lesson sent by the universe to help me learn about myself and my emotions. Whether it's infatuation, possible friendship or simply learning how not to fall for and let them into your hearts as friends? I don't know. Sounds messy.

I have a feeling that outsiders are probably more capable of seeing things that an involved player can't. So would any of you observers out there like to help a guy out here and offer me some thoughts, insights or advice?

Monday, 12 May 2014

The Real Voyage Of Discovery

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” - Marcel Proust

Saturday, 10 May 2014

Monday, 5 May 2014

When You Have to Stop Crossing Oceans for People

"There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who won't even jump a puddle for you." - Unknown