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Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Crossing Paths With a Dream Boy

There's always cute, hot and amazingly gorgeous which is a whole other level of physical appeal. I certainly stumbled upon my fair share of amazingly gorgeous guys, but some of them were so impactful that it lingers in the mind till this very day. While in a queue, I decided to ask the person in front of me how the métro system in this Canadian city works. "Excusez-moi, parlez-vous anglais?", I asked from the back of this tall figure.

He turned while dislodging his Apple ear plugs and boy, I froze. My heart was compressed for what felt like an eternity at the beautiful guy. I honestly thought then and there that he was one of the most amazingly gorgeous man I've ever seen in flesh. My mind scrambled for something to react, to speak, anything! But it remained blank.

Think French looking and American jock. Very tall with an intimidatingly well built body, dark features, extremely good-looking and a total sex sandwich ready to be consumed in one appetizing bite. He could very well ask for a job at Abercrombie & Fitch and get it. On the other hand, it was after work so he was wearing a complete suit which killed me instantly because I have a weakness for men in formal attires.

I smiled and finally managed to clear my head and asked him for the information I needed. "Man, this gorgeous dude's a knight. God, this feels like a moment in the movies. Lost in a foreign city, hot guy... Wait, so this means you're 100% gay right? Wait a minute, suddenly you're gay and you're okay with it?" 

"I love him. I want to civil-partner this amazingly gorgeous guy. We would make love in the corner or at his house, and we would fly back and forth, and I love him and he loves me, and then we finally live together."

"Shut up!", screams the egoistic wake-up voice from the back of my head.

After buying my ticket, I shamelessly played the "lost tourist" card with him, even though I knew exactly where I was going. Turns out, we were going in the same direction, same stop. "Nice coincidence!", I thought to myself. We chatted in the train, although I kept my cool by making friendly conversations in order to get to know him better.

His name was L and although he responded fairly as an acquaintance, but the rhythm and chemistry just wasn't there. I was trying very hard and he was just a guy who helped me out. Then I thought of course, it would have been too good to be true if he was even slightly gay and interested. Even if he was, he would be totally out of my league.

But nevertheless, encounters like these only happens once. It's a crucial moment, a window of opportunity in the game of time and place. If a connection isn't made, we lose it forever. Therefore, I asked for his contact and has since kept him at an email's reach away.

However, the impact of that encounter was so great that until this very day, I still can't get him out of my head. I frequently think and fantasize about seeing him again. It's been half a year, but I still find myself constantly replaying those moments in the métro, in my head.

In fact today, at a dinner party, I met a friend of a friend who looked very much like L, which immediately flooded me with thoughts of him. I for one am very familiar with the feeling of trying too hard, falling for guys and being invisible. It's a pointless infatuation, but as always, I shall let it fade with the passage of time. I hate myself for feeling what I'm feeling, but I have absolutely no control over these emotions that come. In other words, the price of being gay can sometimes be a pain. When will I stop falling for gorgeous straight guys?

Monday, 27 February 2012

The Day I Surrendered and Came Out to Myself

Mentally, the words "I'm gay" or "I'm attracted to guys" have crossed my mind countless times. But they always seem to slide me by in denial, like a pedestrian on a pavement who feels the rushing wind of a speeding vehicle but is never hit. That all changed when I made plans to meet up with another openly gay man named R through a social network site for travellers back in 2011.

R stated that he was gay in his profile, so like any "curious case", I was subconsciously drawn to him. All I knew was that I felt the need to talk to somebody who was openly gay because I myself was a heavily closeted secret for more than 10 years, coming from where I came from. I of course did not tell him that.

When we finally sat down over a cup of coffee, we started talking and I casually asked him about his life. As he gave me a brief introduction, I took the opportunity to probe further on how he went from being married to coming out as a gay man.

He was very surprised as to how much interest I was showing in regard to the gay aspect of his life, but proceeded to tell me his story even though he wasn't very comfortable sharing it with somebody he had just met for less than an hour. I felt guilty because I was aware of being completely out of line here, but at the same time I was struggling to find some answers of my own through him.

During his 30s, R married the woman he loved and had kids, despite secretly knowing all along that he was truly gay. Few years after the marriage, R could no longer repress his sexuality, was no longer in denial and decided to come out. This obviously sent shocks to several members of his family.

The crucial person in particular was his devastated wife who couldn't accept how he inconsiderately destroyed her life and ultimately filed for divorce. She moved away and everybody else got on with life. Although R is no longer on good terms with his ex-wife, his relationship with the kids are getting better after years of reparation.

Upon hearing his story, all kinds of chemicals and dynamites were just exploding inside of me. I unexpectedly welled up in my eyes but remained in strict composure out of respect and public decency. Listening to R made me realised that I was looking at my own possible future. That if I don't make the decision to acknowledged my own homosexuality and face the issue with courage, this selfish closeted journey that is a lie will end up hurting not only myself, but other people in the form of my future wife, my family or my kids. So it's not just about me any more.

Deep down, I sympathised with his ex-wife. I then curiously asked, how he could have married her in the first place without thinking about the repercussions that might one day come. And then what happens then? "I didn't think anything would come. At that moment, it just felt right to marry because I genuinely love her, and that's what you do when you love someone"replied R.

R is now in his 50s and ever since coming-out, has had many successful relationships. I couldn't be happier for how things are currently turning out for him because I've always believed in my heart that clear skies were always due to someone after they ride out their rough stormy days.

In fact, he is one of those handsome men who get better looking as they age. Nice athletic body, great biceps, chiselled face, amazingly tall and successful in his broker career. Seeing another grown gay man like him who is so beyond my reach and living his life, gave me a taste of what it feels like to be me. I felt so small, so out of place, so underprivileged. What a world of difference him and I are. I mentally weighed my confidence, reflecting on everything I was at that moment and everything that I was made of, everything that I had. I was bankrupt on the inside.

R then went on to question if my conspicuous curiosity in the conversation meant that I too was struggling with "something similar"? I couldn't bear to answer the question. I was just not ready to openly admit to another human being that my uncontrollable sexual fantasies have always been exclusively towards guys only.

At that point, I had a moment of weakness and felt the need to cover up. So I played the bisexual card, even though I've only kissed a guy for the first time about a week ago and have never been sexually attracted to a girl in my entire life. That was when I asked him what he thinks. Should I come out?

He: [weird look]
"I don't understand. Do you know what it is exactly you want? Why do you want to come-out? Do you feel like there is a need to come-out? "

"Well, I don't know."
"To be honest, I'm struggling with the idea of wanting a guy, but don't want to close the door to the possibility of one day being with a girl." (denial)
"I don't know R. What do you think I should do? Should I come out?"

"Look, if you're a bisexual, then I don't see the need to come out at all."
"It's only an issue if you're gay and you want to come out for real."

Me: [long silence]
"I don't know..." (denial)

"Look, if you feel the need to come out... for whatever reason..." 
"Come out for yourself, and not for other people."

It's true I have fallen for girls in my life, but deep deep down I knew it was only at an emotional level and never sexual. I lied in the spirit of being in denial. Come out for yourself, and not for other people. That phrase hit me hard like a bus going at 80 kilometres an hour. It hit me so hard, because it was true and it was what I needed to hear.

Me: [long silence]
"I don't know R..." (denial)
"I'm not even sure if I know what I am."

He: [looks at me in the eye]
"I think..." 
"You know."
"Only you... would know".

Me: [longest silence...]

He: [still looking at me in the eye with confidence]

I felt so cornered because he knew I was a closeted denial case; in fact, all mature gay men know it too well because they were pioneers before us. But nevertheless, I appreciated him so much for the subtle encouragement that was glistening on his facial expression as his final words, helped me reach an epiphany without putting me on the spot. 

I took a long hard walk all the way from Midtown to Uptown along 8th Avenue, thinking about what I've just learnt and the conversation I just had. For a moment, a part of me felt lighter because I finally managed to sort out some thoughts that has been blocking me for years. 

It was then that I remember thinking to myself: "It's time M. I no longer want to be stuck, I want to move on. The future of this decision is scary, and the journey is going to be long and difficult, but it really is time. It's time to face it, it's time to come to terms with it and it's time to do something about it. I am gay."

It hit me that people make mistakes, and to hear how R put himself through a detour, having to hurt the people he loved before coming to terms with the truth, made me realise how much I have going on for me. As a young gay in 2011, I am much luckier than he was during the 70s and the 80s where being gay was much more difficult back then. 

Being in my early 20s, I am still in the position to make a choice and change my life. I want to love myself enough to give myself the chance to be honest. Life is too short to be living in denial. To save myself from the agony of having to go through this when I'm 30 years old or 40, by which I would have lost my youth. By giving myself an early start, I would have gained 10 or 20 years of living the truth, in being myself. And within that period, increased my chances of finding somebody, if I'm lucky or destined to.

The fact is there's nothing I can do to change my biological nature of being attracted to guys. If it's something we can't change, then acceptance is the only logical way to moving forward. Once I've accepted it, I can then move on to focus on developing the other aspects of my life. Hence, coming out to oneself.

Now I don't know if this post made sense, but I sincerely hope this story would at least help shed some light for struggling readers who are still confused or in denial. Coming to terms with oneself is probably one of the hardest chapters in life, but it is also the most important in one's development and emotional well-being. We greatly need it in order to move forward, therefore take all the time you need so as long as you get there, be fair and go easy on yourself. However, I certainly can't help but wonder if the decision to start life young and gay, somehow brings justice to older generations of gay men who weren't as lucky as before and have lost their youth living someone else's life in the shadow.

I wrote more about my thought about R in another post titled: Coming Into Your Life For A Reason

Sunday, 26 February 2012

I Want a Sex Life

I previously mentioned that I live in a city of beautiful peopleThis is even more apparent during Saturday and Sunday afternoons, where the good-looking French guys come out to brunch and lunch with their friends and girlfriends. One of such fine specimen sat at a table next to us while I was having lunch with my current house mate and confidant. He was impeccably well dressed and amazingly cute. Being an absolute francophile, French guys are without a doubt my weakness. 

While discreetly checking him out, my mind starts to fantasize about kissing him and "getting to know him better". He reminds me of how much I actually crave for a sex life with cute guys. And even though I live in a city filled with them, my sex-life is just non-existent, nor am I even close to getting laid. Sadly my days in this city are numbered and as frustrating as it is, I just don't know how to pull French guys.

During lunch, I couldn't help but notice my friend's wandering eyes too, and found it amusing when it repeatedly lands the exact same guy. My house mate is a pretty girl and although a long term resident of this city of good-looking bachelors, has trouble finding a boyfriend.

In life, I can't help but feel secondary to attractive straight girls like her as the factual statistical probability of them getting laid and finding the guy of their dreams is much higher. Therefore if they too are having difficulties, what is going to happen to gay guys like me? These things often incite me to reflect on my fate in life, and wonder if I'm ever meant to find a guy to be with, or live a life of loneliness.

Friday, 24 February 2012

Why Me?

Growing up gay, I've always felt different from the people around me. It's a feeling I can't explain, it's rather cold, awkwardly alienating and unknown until one reaches adolescent and is inevitably enlightened about their sexual preference. 

Like a malfunctioning key amongst a perfectly fine-tuned piano keyboard, I sometimes consider my sexuality to be a flaw in which what makes me a defect in society. It is estimated that 10% of the world's male population is gay. There are 7 billion people on Earth and what are the chances of me falling into that 10% out of 3.5 billion males in this world.

Throughout my life, I have always felt unlucky when it comes to a lot of things combined. Before my acceptance, I used to question incessantly: 
It's unfair. What are the chances? Out of the millions of people being born everyday, why me? Why am I that 10%? Why am I once again the minority? Why am I so unlucky?

However, I saw two things today that made me realise, despite being how unlucky I perceived myself to be, am actually very lucky. A legless person who courageously limped across the metro platform as everyone stared made me realise I still have all of my body parts. A blind man navigating himself independently on the side walk on a beautiful winter's afternoon made me very thankful for my gift of sight.

After complaining about growing up as a minority, it hit me in those particular moments, that I was actually in fact, on a bigger picture, a majority looking at a minority. Both encounters were so impactful and strong enough for me to immediately acknowledge my sexuality as an "internal or secondary defect", and be thankful for my physical completeness. Being gay is something that came to me in life, it's only a subset of who I am as a person and should not even be considered an issue.

Although society has been very sympathetic with the handicaps, they still have a harsh way of judging and ostracising other types of people who are deemed to be "flaws". The Apartheid and Holocaust are perfect examples in our history that has proven the level of monstrosity the shallow human mind is capable of. Nevertheless, decades down the road, I hope the percentage of gay guys would at least increase a little bit so that we would stand a better chance and homosexuality would no longer be regarded as an issue as societal judgement finds it way around homophobia.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

Kissing Another Guy for the First Time

Few months ago, I was travelling and during my stay in a dorm hostel, I had to walk past the bunk bed of a latino guy in order to use the bathroom. Therefore, whenever I do, he'd glance at me briefly. I noticed him too but just wasn't aware of anything. 

By the second and third night, he does the same but smiled a little. This time I reciprocated, thinking he looked quite cute under the low-light that emanated from the bathroom. However, we only started talking to each other on the very last day, when everybody left and it was just the 2 of us in the room. It was then I found out he was Mexican. Good-looking, tall, dark, well groomed, nice lips with facial stubble.

While chatting, I immediately picked up on his body language that suggested he might be gay. In addition, he responded to me in ways that seem to prolong attention (something I've always hoped my straight-guy crushes would reciprocate). As a heavily closeted person, I was literally oblivious to all things gay. In other words, my gaydar didn't exist and I was "gay-illiterate". Therefore I couldn't trust what I was sensing.

Then I realised that I was actually reliving a gay courtship scene, somewhat too similar to those we always see in television series. Throughout the conversation, I couldn't concentrate on what I was saying because all I could think of was what it felt like to finally kiss a guy. This is where I told myself to grow a pair! 

With a pounding heart and a red face, I picked up the courage and went...

"Hey, can I ask you a question?" 
"I know this is going to sound really weird, but are you gay?"

He: [looked up to me, hesitated for a while and went] 
"Yes... ... You?"

"Yeah." (admitting it out loud for the very first time felt very weird)
"I think." (denial)
"Anyways, are you out? How's it like being gay in Mexico? Is it hard?"

"Yeah... It's not easy you know." 
"It's hard... Very hard." 
"I can't tell my friends and family. Only I know I'm gay."

"Hey listen, I actually think you're very cute. Can I kiss you?"

He: [long silence...]

Figuring that I should be more active, I dropped all sense of decency and bent over to land my lips on his. I thought it felt nice, but it was nothing like how I'd imagined it to be. Although I savoured every moment and then pulled away (although I didn't want to). He took it well, smiled and we just carried on chatting.

Soon, it was time for us to leave, and as we said goodbye, he initiated a hug in which I reciprocated. However, I just couldn't get over how disappointing the first kiss wentI grabbed his face and went for another. Boy he smells great and once again, it felt nice, but either he wasn't a good kisser, wasn't attracted to me, or he just couldn't show a bit more passion. I tried my luck by going a little further with my pursuance and he finally stopped me by telling me he doesn't want sex in addition to the chances of being caught in a hostel dorm. I agreed in respect and soon we both parted ways without exchanging contacts.

On the way to O'Hare airport, I couldn't help but thought of myself as a complete loser who behaved like a teenage girl - naive, foolish and lame. I felt a little, if I may say it, awkward and ashamed of what I did. 

Nevertheless, I was secretly proud of myself for being so courageous in initiating something that never before existed in my dictionary of ethics. (Or rather, something that would have happened at the age of 14 with a girl in "straight years".)

But yet, I found myself wondering: 
"Oh shit, what the hell just happened back there?" 
"Why the fuck would I do that?
"What does this mean...? What am I now?"

[long thought...]

"Well, nothing! It was nothing." 
"Absolutely nothing." 
"...nothing happened. [full stop]"

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Blond or Brun?

I live in a city where beautiful people pass me by every single day. In my case, good-looking French guys. There isn't a day that goes by in this city where at least one guy wouldn't attract my eyes. 

Today while in the métro, I couldn't keep my glances off 2 cute guys, a blond and a brun who was equally attractive in their respective features. They were both very tall, good looking, and in addition, friends who stood next to each other. I personally can't handle the sight of an attractive straight guy, put two together and my heart starts to swirl uncontrollably.

While contemplating on which one I would love to kiss, I just couldn't decide if I was attracted to the blond or the brun. The only satisfactory conclusion I could think of was a threesome. Guess I'll need more time to sort out my preference.

The train arrives at a platform as I hear the announcement go: "Saint Placide... Saint Placide". As I walked out, I reflected deeply on my chances of ever finding a cute guy and how frustrating it is to be me, and to be gay in a straight man's world. But as usual, eye candies continue to remind me of how depressed I am.