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Sunday, 17 March 2013

Top, Bottom or Versatile?

I have to write a chapter on this. While chatting to a couple of guys this week, I was confronted with the standard gay question: "Are you a top or a bottom?" For the general public who doesn't know what this means, a top in a homosexual relationship is the one who does the penetration, and the bottom is the one that receives the penetration during sexual intercourse.

So top or bottom? I can't help but wonder if the term is being coined as a substitute for the conventional heterosexual partnership in a gay one. Whereby one guy plays the role of the active and the other the passive. A dominant and a submissive.

I'd say about 80% of the guys I come across tells me that they're a bottom. In fact, they kept repeating it throughout the conversation for emphasis. Initially I couldn't understand why, but then it hit me that these guys actually take their gay roles very seriously and I don't. At this point, my inner journalist has never been more ready to get to the bottom of this. Interesting choice of expression! 

I think there are many ways in which one can demarcate their role of what being a top and a bottoms truly entails. So I've been asking guys what being a bottom really means to them. Some call themselves "the bride" in the relationship, others say is a purely sexual thing because they only want to be fucked. 

There are also those who see themselves comfortably in the female role of the relationship, whereby they adhere to conventional practices of how a submissive would behave around a dominant. One guy in his own words, said that he wants to serve his husband, like how a heterosexual wife would serve their male partners.

The reason why this system has never really registered itself in my head, is because we now live in an era where straight-gay-men (masculine homosexuals) and gay-straight-men (heterosexuals) co-exist side by side along side walks all over the world. So can conventional principles such as a top or a bottom, still be properly applied in 2013?

If roles are really that important in one's search for a partner, does this mean that if a guy feels that he is a bottom, would his search be limited to other guys out there who are purely tops? Is that how this whole partnership pairing works? Are there even enough tops to go around if everyone is a bottom?

Although I don't believe in categorising myself, but it is precisely at moments like these that I reflect deeply about what I want, what I'm about and how I fit into this top-bottom context. Truth is, I've never been the most securely masculine guy. But yet I make no bones about wanting to be treated and respected like a true man, even as a homosexual because for some reason, that turns me on beyond words.

On the other hand, I've also always dreamt of being dominated. Attached to an older boyfriend that is more mature and masculine than I am because I like the idea of being bonded, sexually and emotionally to an elder brother that I idolise. A mentor perhaps. In my fantasy, we both enjoy giving and receiving unconditionally. He whom I'm attached with, is broad-minded and secure enough to explore and share roles with me without limiting himself. 

So what am I really? What am I looking for and what do I prefer? Top, bottom, versatile? Hope to find out soon enough.

13 comments:

  1. That's the question I was always being asked around whenever I met people like us.

    I agree to what you had just mentioned. I don't get it why do people like us always limit their choices of finding their partner by determining the roles. If roles really do play an vital part in pursuit of our partner, I guess the choice of getting one would be very narrowed and limited, and we can hardly ever find the truly one who can spend the rest of our life with.

    Take your time to figure out what you are looking for. Wish you best of luck !

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  2. What a great post! I'm over from Mind of Mine. When I'm out on the town, or on first dates as soon as the guy ask the top or bottom question, your done. First off it's like they are assuming we are going to have sex that night. How is that important in the first place. I agree with what Olivers said above" don't get it why do people like us always limit their choices of finding their partner by determining the roles" Most guys are missing what could have been a great relationship. Don't get me wrong I enjoy a lot of sex, but good God, mix it up a bit at least. More intresting. I'll be back to read more of your blog!!!!

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    1. Hey there. It's always nice to see someone new.

      Have you ever come across a guy who's "Top & Bottom question" was more of a partnership-role (dominant submissive) rather than a sexual one? Just curious.

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  3. It can be hard to decide if you want to be a top or a bottom and you are so right, it goes far beyond just which sexual roles you wish to partake of, it can cut far deeper than just taking it up the rear end. But then sometimes, it is just whether you prefer to give or take it. Personally for me, it was long learning experience during my adolescence that required quite a bit of experimentation to finally discover, both physically, mentally and relationship standing, that versatile I am and that's the way I'll stay.

    Great post, good reading.

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    1. Jason, thank you for the thought. Hope you're well my friend.

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  4. Sorry if sometimes I make very strange comments. I really like your writing style, it is very smooth and amusing. Now regarding the post, I understand the feeling, when I met my first boyfriend I didn't understand the difference and I didn't really cared (I was young at that time). It turns out he was in sex am absolute top, so I was bottom all the time. Anyways, there are some prejudice about top and bottom personalities, top is manly and bottom is feminine, and I am sure you've heard about them. Anyways, I don't think there should be patterns of what a bottom or a top behaves like, but there are since for many people is hard to fall out of the frame of the sexual patterns as male and female. Even many gays assume the woman role as you describe. However, in my case and I have read in some other places, in a gay relationship we have the opportunity of really open what a linkage is, there are not prejudices or defined roles, so as it happened with my ex, we didn't have any role, we understood ourselves through dialogue, and that way we defined our roles in our relationship, no social pressure, no defined frame. And why do people give it such am importance? Well, as a conversation I had on Wednesday, and it may sound foolish, but it is quite true (at least in my expirience) two bottoms don't have much fun together, and two purely tops either. So in a sex oriented society, people try to avoid such problems through clearly stating their preferences, that is all. (And I wish I had the confidence to be reversible, how versatiles are called here)

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    1. Hi Edo. No, I don't think your comments are strange at all. Even if they are, it's okay because I happen to enjoy strange comments. Thank you so much for the compliment and also the long thought. You did mention a lot of interesting points there! Something to think about.

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  5. While the "knowing what you are getting" comment makes some sense, it only applies if your are looking just for sex. If you seek something more, even just at the friendship level, the question only underscores the "gay" stereotype. Do what you are comfortable with, with someone you are comfortable with and who respects you, and you will never need a descriptor.

    I, too, enjoy your writing.

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    1. Thank you. I am glad you do too.

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  6. Hey there.
    I kind of agree more with Edo in the sense that there's a lot of stereotyping. Roles can be very flexible, even outside of a relationship context: people can be dominant at work, submissive at home and dominant in the bed (even acting as bottoms). I've met a couple of cases and that makes it very interesting because you get to discover layers and mix it up. Let yourself go naturally and avoid trying to fit in any categories. Eventually you'll find your role in your relationship both emotionally and sexually.

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    1. Hey, you stuck around. Thank you!

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    2. Actually I haven't read you in months so I've been updating myself for a while. It's nice to see that you've gone a long way since I last knew from you. Hope to keep reading about your endeavours and adventures.
      Remember enjoying yourself.

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