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Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Why Do Hot Guys Affect Me So Much?

Here goes an honest post that was written a while ago while trying to decipher some emotions. It highlights the shallow depths my thoughts are capable of. Reading what I wrote, I am afraid of the precarious state of mind that I am in, and realised how much more I have to grow up in life.

As much as I get very excited whenever I see hot guys, but they continue to remind me of how unhappy I am. For years, I have been trying to understand this massive wave of sadness that engulfs me every time after I am acquainted about the existence of a hot guy. Lately, the same surge of emotions are getting overwhelmingly out of hand that I can no longer handle the sight of an eye candy without feeling frustrated or despondent. Here are some possible analytical thoughts that I'm currently digesting.

1. Being gay in a straight world.

Apart from finding straight guys very attractive, the disproportional ratio of homosexuals to heterosexuals means that the majority of guys I lust after are inevitably straight and off-limits. Like the hot guy who just walked past you will never notice you in the same light you saw him in. That Ph.D. student whom you've endlessly chatted with at a dinner party will never reciprocate the attention you've shown him. Or that hot classmate who was completely unaware of the crush you harbour towards him.

Being gay in a straight guy's world is a form of invisibility I suffer from. This is where I feel helplessly trapped behind a self imposed glass wall, where million dollar fireworks and explosive hormonal chemistry is happening within me. But its impact and loudness can only be felt from the inside, when the outside has to project a façade that conforms to the reality of this world, which is a straight one, following straight world based protocol. In other words, I can't approach a guy and tell him how I feel without it being inappropriate or foolish.

I remember feeling immensely tormented while I was living in "the city where hot-guys-would pass-me-by-every-single-day". I couldn't digest my feelings or act on them and it was driving me insane. Things got so bad that I would silently pray that I wouldn't have to run into any hot guys because it was starting to take a toll on my sanity, and I was afraid.

2. Inside, I'm a sexually frustrated adolescent.

When hot guys pass me by, they drive me crazy and make me feel things. Hot guys are something that fuels my adolescent fantasy, an experience that I have yet to encounter. Being inexperienced means that I haven't actually gotten rid of the inner 15 year old adolescent who never had the chance to act opon his hormones and crushes. Because when my straight peers were gradually developing the sexual and romantic aspects of themselves for the past 10 years of growing up, I spent them fearfully suppressing and covering myself up in the closet.

Just when I thought coming-out would finally make it all easier, I suddenly found myself being hit with the harsh realities that surround the gay world and a bottled up libido that needs to be addressed. In trying to understand myself, I wondered painfully if gay guys spent their early years repressing themselves in the closet that once when we decide to come-out, we contract guy fever and go crazily hungry like we've never tasted meat or eaten in years.

Beyond the pathetic years of jerking off that can no longer satisfy one's advancing physical and emotional needs, I've now grown into a point where I can't seem to move on with my life without first developing the sexual aspects of myself. Therefore, the current hypothetical analysis I can come up with is that I need some sort of involvement with a hot guy in order to just get it all out of my system. To eradicate these uncontrollable feelings and most importantly, the inner sexually frustrated adolescent.

3. Hot guys represent an idealised image that I will never be.

Maybe because I don't consider myself one of them, hot guys continue to remind me of my very own insecurities and something I cannot have. Due to the innate way a gay person is being programmed to have excellent taste in men, I lust and yearn after an idealised image of what many gay guys would consider sexually attractive in a male. Being an average gay person who is still trying to accept himself, the hot guy truly represents an image of something that I'm not capable of living up to, which further provoked my already existing struggles with body-image issues and the constant insecurity with the way I am. All because I self-destructively judge and compare myself with others, which is detrimental to the confidence and self-esteem I'm trying to rebuild.

I've also mentioned before that I've always felt inferior to attractive guys. In addition to being an average gay guy who is often attracted to hot guys that are mostly straight, the package of being both "hot and straight", truly embodies something that I am not and will never be.

4. Hot guys are intimidatingly out of my league, even when they're gay.

For some reason, I am highly intimidated by hot guys who happen to be gay. The intimidation  triples when they're successful. Now I don't know if it's because I'm feeling the full force of my own inferiority complex, or did past rejections from these guys bit a huge chunk out of my self-esteem and confidence. When it comes to physical attractiveness, hot gay guys are no exception to the effects of the gay gene and will go on to have excellent taste in other men. This has proven to be difficult for me because within the context of cruising, my fears were validated when I had to painfully face my share of abrupt rejections from these guys. It's so tough, and I know it's only going to get tougher from now on. 

However in the context of dating a hot guy, I really don't know where I stand because I've never had the opportunity to encounter one on a personal level who is gay and who might consider giving me a chance. Deep down, I still secretly hold on to the hope that one day, this whole meeting and being together with a hot guy thing will happen to me. Although I am fully aware of the near impossible miscibility between fantasy and reality.


  1. "Beyond the pathetic years of jerking off that can no longer satisfy one's advancing physical and emotional needs"

    Hey, don't knock jerking off, it's sex with my favorite person.

  2. I'm in the exactly same situation like you! It's a big struggle...and honestly I don't know what to do...All I'm doing is to endure and live my life. I'm trying to ignore those "hot guys" whenever I go out and trying hard to to build up my self-esteem. One thing that keeps my head up is to have a goal in my life that is more important than relationship. To set goals in your life and do your best to achive them is my priority. Second comes love. My friends and family always ask me when will I meet my girlfriend,some boyfriend, (I'm not completely out) and so that makes me depressed to hear a question that you actually asked yourself for a long time. But then I'm reminding both them and myself that: No! Not now! But maybe someday. My life comes before anything else in this world.
    To carry that way of thinking,makes it all easier for me to relax and let those hot guys pass by me without panicking,feeling unsure and not even thinking of them! Thinking about yourself is I think the best treatment right now. Until someday you will really meet someone out there...

    1. Hey there, thank you so much for the beautiful comment. It's very smart of you to want to put your life first. However, do not forget that your sexuality IS a part of your development in life that will make you who you are. If you keep it at bay for too long, it might translate into an unresolved issue that might explode down the road.

      I have a feeling that you're still in doubt and not ready. But don't worry, the day will come when you'll want to do something about it and when it happens, just go with the flow. I wish you all the best and I hope things will get better.

  3. Wow sounds just like me.

  4. I have spent most of my life alone avoiding most gay people on the scene and grinder etc. I find my desires eating up as I have touched 40. All this desire but not a place to put it in a loveless gay world