Navigation Bar Blue

Sunday, 1 April 2012

Solving My Crushes

If I'm lucky enough to still be writing my feelings here in a few years, I'll probably look back and have the urge to delete all of my foolishness. So for the past few months, I have been thinking heavily about that guy I met while travelling, LOut of the many hot guys that I've come across in recent years, I can't seem to get him out of my head. It's one of those unavoidable feelings once again, the crush that started at first sight but unknowingly stuck with me and develops on.

This inevitably reminds me of a serious crush I once had on a senior during my first year at university. Although I was still in denial then, but my instincts were making me want to talk to him, look at him and be around him. Whenever he's around I just couldn't concentrate and my heart will race. Despite taking every opportunity to get to know him better, it was hard having to accept that he was immune to all that was happening. I remember going through a depressed state when I realised the crush I had for him was leading me no where except pain on my part. Although he stayed in my thoughts, I was upset at myself for not knowing how to pull myself out of it and decided that the best way was to physically avoid seeing him because I didn't want to feel the surge of emotions that came with the sight of him. In fact, this went on for about a year and it wasn't until he graduated and completely moved away that I successfully got over him.

Now coming back to L, his minor updates on Facebook for the past few days in particular spurred even more of my thoughts of him. But due to realistic reasons (lives on another continent, currently single but probably straight, out of my league etc), I try very hard not to check out his photos or look at his page for fear of falling deeper into my crush and pointlessly hurting myself. I remember previously writing to him and he replied. 

However, throughout the exchange I took my time because I refuse to let it end and prolonged the hope that there was a little something before it died. Ever since then, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him and it's killing me. Speaking of which, I seem to effortlessly fall for people nowadays and I can't help but wonder if this is a vulnerable phase we all go through as inexperienced gay guys? I'm really tired of having crushes and having to keep everything to myself and being invisible. When will I stop feeling what I feel? Has anyone else experienced anything like this or am I a weird freak who likes to think of people when he has too much time on his hands? 

For the more advanced gay guys, this is probably a very ludicrous post. But at least this will make you feel better about yourself and that amazing life you currently have (looking good, loving a boyfriend, having an awesome sex life, confident in yourself etc)Care to shed some light for the naively inexperienced?


  1. WARNING: This comment might make things worse for you! (but you did ask for feedback ;-P).
    Hello sweety-pie!
    Reading about your crushes made me think a little about human relations and specially, about spectations.
    Usually when I get a crush I find that I idealize the person, so the more I get to know them the faster the crush... well gets crushed (sorry, I couldn't help it). I say this because you write about not reading your friend's facebook page out of fear of falling deeper into the crush or getting hurt and I honestly think it might go the other way. Liking someone a lot, and knowing them a little, tends to lead to disappointment. Sorry, but that's my experience, fantasy and reality almost never cross paths. Still there's always a little chance.
    I actually think you should interact more with him. Worst case: you find out he's not as amazing as you thought, best case: you become good friends or something more...
    On the other hand (I'm going to try not to generalize, because I really don't know you). I think you're just lonely. Having a crush is what happens when you (and I also mean I) don't have someone to be kind to. If I knew you better I'd probably say you need some love (to give and to receive), so go out there and get some. To stop being invisible you have to open up yourself.
    Best regards.

  2. Hey there, thanks for the interesting thought! It's very true that fantasy and reality almost never cross paths, which explains why gay crushes are made even more difficult in a straight man's world and that it usually never materialises to something more. It happened one too many times that it's starting dampen my spirit.

    I know it's going to be a long shot and that it might not come true, but I'm still hoping for the day when a mutual crush develops into a relationship. I'm guessing the lack of experience is really making my heart grow fonder.

  3. By the way, I hope you too will find someone to be kind to, if you haven't already, because I believe genuine souls deserve to love and be loved. Take care! :)