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Sunday, 8 April 2012

My Second Daunting Time to a Gay Sauna Alone

Recounting my second attempt at another gay sauna.

After the events of the previous dayI contemplated if visiting a second gay sauna might yield an experience that would help me come out even more. This was all supposed to be an enjoyable journey of discovery, but I didn't know why I felt dreadful at the thought of having to put myself through it. In any case it seemed like the necessary thing to do, so I went ahead.

While stripping in the locker room, I was extremely shy and refused to look at the other guys who were already glancing at each other while disrobing. I still had issues with my body image, but letting that overcome me at that particular moment was just not an option and would have defeated the whole purpose. I wrapped the towel around my waist, shut my mind out, mentally locked all of my insecurities and went through the door. The complex was definitely smaller as compared to the previous sauna, which makes cruising so much more instant and easier without the pointless gallivanting.

The guys were attractive and a good mix. I initiated small talk with some of them in order to diffuse some nerves, but it took me a while to realise that silence was actually an important etiquette in cruising. While in the steam room, I started touching a guy next to me with my hands, who responded by shifting his body away. So it was my first rejection in which I’ve anticipated since the start of this whole thing. (Told myself it’s okay, nevermind.)

However, I made a move on a second cute guy [Number 2], which to my surprise did not pull away. So I thought things were going well. My hands went on to massage him for the next 5 minutes and I started wondering why he didn’t turn to face me or look me in the eye if he didn’t pull away? (Like the first guy, pulling away meant that they were not interested, if remaining still means there is a possibility they might be? At this point, my mind is trying to re-evaluate my theoretical cruising instincts in a practical field.)

Then another guy came in and sat beside him, and Number 2 gradually started showing obvious signs of responsiveness and was very engaging to the new guy. Being ignored, I felt like a fool for the second time as he could have at least given me a sign he wasn’t interested rather than let me go on massaging him for 5 fucking minutes. (Okay I know the drill, don’t get your feelings hurt or take things personally in a gay sauna, bla bla bla…)

Moving on to the Jacuzzi, I made a move on a younger guy to my left Number 3He reciprocated with his own style and we ended up mutually wanking each other. While doing that, I was extremely conscious of myself even when I try to hide it. In addition to the fact that it was my first time exploring someone else’s penis, fondling him with my un-dexterous left hand as a heavily right handed person wasn’t at all fun as I had no idea what I was doing. Although his reciprocal style wasn’t bad but he stopped after about 15 minutes and left, didn’t know why but I couldn’t help but wonder if the problem was me.

A while later, I was back in the steam room as Number 2 once again walks in and sat beside me. Still very attractive in my eyes, I observed him but didn’t do anything. I now witnessed how he cruised the guy sitting next to him and was immediately making out within seconds. Although feeling even more jealous at the sight of the make out, I realised now that I was the naive one who didn’t catch the signs that he just wasn’t attracted to me. Number 2 soon leaves the steam room with his new conquest when another good-looking man [Number 4] walks in and parks himself beside me, towels exposed and legs wide open. After some minor hesitation, I started to stroke Number 4's thighs in which he responded almost immediately. A third guy on his left conveniently started touching Number 4 too, even though I was the one who initiated the play. Soon we all moved to a secluded corner and started touching and playing with each other even more while awkwardly having other guys observe us.

While engaging in a mild threesome, another person [Number 5] conveniently joined in without permission and was actively coming on to me. I tried ignoring Number 5 but as the saying goes, don't be an asshole in a gay sauna so I let it be. Throughout the whole thing, my mind was very conscious and aware of every single moment. It hit me that I was actually in the middle of a mild orgy and although I certainly wasn’t expecting this at all, but I just went with the flow. In the midst of it, Number 4 was separated from me and I wasn’t at all attracted to Number 5 who wanted me all to himself. But once again in the spirit of being nice, I thought I'd let him do whatever he wants with me for a while. Number 5 certainly gave nice head, kissed good and touched well. But due to the fact that I wasn't physically attracted to him, I didn't feel the excitement nor enjoyed his advances. By the end of it all, he ended up flirting with me. It was weird to discover he was actually a really nice guy when he initiated a casual chat and asked for my contact before he left.

After the mild orgy, I was frustrated and was back in the Jacuzzi trying to challenge myself by pulling someone I'm attracted to. I’ve been trying to make eye-contact for a while with another cute guy [Number 6], but he didn’t acknowledge. As I made my advances, he shook his head and inched away. That act of his was so cute that it made me want him even more, but I had no choice but to calmly once again accept rejection. It was getting late and I finally left the sauna.

Back on the street, I was depressed and heavily disappointed that even after 2 gay saunas, I am practically still a virgin because there was no mutual climax and I couldn’t get myself to come. Even though the whole experience was a total eye opener, but I am still equally frustrated that things didn’t turn out the way I expected it to be. Throughout my time in the sauna, I wasn’t feeling sexually charged enough to maintain a good hard-on. I couldn't understand if it was because I still had issues with myself, or that was my first  attempt to play around with guys in the sauna that it felt diffidently daunting rather than pleasantly enjoyable. Somehow rather something just didn’t click and I didn’t feel the sense of comfort, enjoyment, and the right chemistry of sex that I was anticipating.

I know it's crazy to compare sauna fun with a real one-on-one first time with a guy, fuck buddy or a boyfriend, but this seems like the closest thing I can get to at this point. Growing up gay, I've always fantasised heavily about how I want to kiss and passionately indulge guys in all the things I want to do to them when the opportunity presents itself. After years of being closeted and sexually repressedI thought I would be happier after a trip to a sauna. I thought it might give me some sort of closure but here I am, still feeling frustratingly dampened and broken down as I analyse my situation. The gay aspects of my life doesn't seem to be moving forward or going well despite my efforts in trying very hard. Nothing seems to be coming my way or falling into place. Nevertheless, I left the sauna feeling more courageous and felt that this experience has no doubt widened my guts to pursue more things. However, I really don't know what to do next. Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on with me, where did I go wrong and where do I go from here? 

7 comments:

  1. Ive personally not ever been in a sauna or a gay bar whilst looking for anything to happen... i do most of my cruising using social networking sites, Gaydar and Grindr specifically so i cant realy talk about my experiences opposed to yours but you arent doing anything wrong.

    You are taking baby steps towards what you want, you are thinking, looking and trying the things that you feel that you want to or that you should... Of course they arent all going to go well, of course you are going to fall over every so often but think about it... you went to a sauna and you got some action, not necessarily with the guys that you wished but thatll come... you dont always enjoy every meal you have, but every once in a while you find something new that you love.

    Crap analogy i know... You are still growing, and you will get there x

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  2. Hi Paul, thanks for the nice input that made sense. I just feel so frustrated with myself, even while going through trial and error. But I guess you're right, it takes time and patience... How was initial cruising like for you? Did you feel the same or were you a confident man?

    For some reason, I never seem to have any luck cruising guys on the internet. Something always never works out in the end, but I'm hoping that'll come one day.

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  3. I understand the frustration totally, trail and error does that to you.You do need to be patient with it as its unlikely that you would be able to walk into a sauna and everyone there be your type and you be theres... as incredibly horny as that would be :-)
    Initial cruising for me was slightly different in that I made a buddy who taught me alot and Ive never gone to a gay bar on my own and never with the prime intention of something happening. Ive never even been to a sauna... ive been in a sauna and things happen, but not a sauna sauna if that makes sense.
    I had fumblings in social situations, eyed people up in bars and parties etc but never in a gay setting... which having written that down might be where I went wrong. But i found the net to be a great way of chatting to people, sometimes over a long period of time, finding out what I wanted, what I was comfortable with and then being able to meet someone with no illusions. Things then progressed on the back of that.
    I have to say though, that I was never a confident man, which is probably why i liked the net as a way of checking things out Things werent as easy as the above might seem... but you get through that, and when you do...oh boy :-)

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  4. The bar and sauna was me making an effort when I realised that I didn't have much luck on the internet. I really don't know how other people make it seem so easy. Am I missing something here?

    Which reminds me too that I've always been a discreetly active pursuer in a non-gay setting, so when it was a gay setting and I didn't get the closure I expected, I was frustrated and it hit me: "aargh, so what now?"

    But like you said, I do hope I'll get through it soon enough and "oh boy". lol! :)

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  5. I dont think you are doing anything wrong or missing anything, dont forget that you had a great experience, you did things that you might not otherwise have done so take something positive from it.
    Everyone has their own insecurities and worries and issues that they might not show. Like i have said, you are just starting and its a sometimes hard journey...be patient and take your time. You dont have to rush into things and have it all at once, part of the fun is getting there and there will be more opportunities.
    Are you planning on going back to a sauna or bar? What have you tried on the interent? What closure is it that you are after... actually, broader question what is it that you are after really... is it sex with a nice guy, or something more?
    You will get through it and oh boy will come... as well as a few loud cries of OH GOD!!! ;-)

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  6. After the horrible week I had, a friend took me to a sauna in Osaka. It was my second time in one, so it reminded me of your post. I am not really keen of such places, since you just go there and have sex and that is all. But it was ok (except for the fact that someone that I was with spitted at me, a disgusting fetish I actually despise). Anyways, I met a nice guy (30ish with a beard), who was quite nice and easy to talk to.

    But what I realized after leaving the place was that it is me the one that is distant and cold towards people. Maybe they want to get to know me, but I shut the door in their face, with my comments. Anyways, I kinda had fun this time and learnt a lot about me and society, I wish i could be more open and happy. I hope one day I can rely on people a little more (I really mistrust everybody), and I guess that then I will be able to find someone to be with.

    Other thing, at the place I rejected some guys (and I was rejected also). I guess is not that they were not cute or whatever, is just that is not what I was feeling like at the moment, and I guess it is the same backwards. So don't be so negative, if someone rejects you it is not because you are ugly.

    Btw, I think finding people just for sex is quite easy. But, is that what one should be looking for?

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  7. I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

    ReplyDelete