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Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Feeling Extremely Low And Defeated


I don't even know where to begin, or how to start stringing my emotions into proper sentences anymore because it’s been a rough couple of weeks and I’m still deep within my own mess. Last month in particular, I was under an immense amount of pressure because on top of all the negativity that I’m currently going through, I had to temporarily numb myself from all that I was feeling in order to concentrate on reattempting a major examination that was going to determine my graduation. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to put myself through in the midst of a depression, but nevertheless I did what I had to do and I did the best I could. 

Every day, I'm bombarded by a legion of wandering thoughts and worries. In addition to the exhaustive dreams and troubling emotions that have been incessantly invading my sleep, today I opened my eyes and once again woke up to the same depressingly horrible feeling about myself. I don't know what is happening to me, but my insecurities, negativity and depression is seriously getting out of hand and dampening my spirit to live. I have fallen into a low point in my life, trying to recover from a state of sorrow and distraught at the gradual realisation that my life is actually not sailing the dream journey I had in mind. 

Growing up for the past twenty years, I've always had a strong sense that my existence in this world has never really been a smooth or an ideal one. Things just never seem to fall into place for me. If a person's luck and destiny in life does adhere to a consistent recurring pattern, then I think I might already know the rhythm of mine and am terrified to accept how the next phase of my adulthood is going to play out. As I panic, I allowed myself to drown in my own whirlpool of insecurity that is driven by pessimism and my unwillingness to surrender to the realities of my existence, along with the inability to once again trust in the positive.

It is truly at moments like these that I find myself reopening the old "why me" trial. It feels heart-grindingly painful to look at the outside world from my shoes, and hear myself realise that this is all happening to me and it's real. "Wow, I am in this body. I have to go through life being this person and non-other. The guy who has never really had it smooth in life, who also turns out to be the average insecure gay person among a sea of better looking and performing people, is me. It's obviously me. Always have been, always will be?"

Everyone around me has moved on to admirable success, amazing jobs, great relationships, enjoying great sex and a fulfilling life as I became the weak person who collapsed and pushed the emergency stop button on his life because he didn't know how to handle failure, insecurity, depression, homosexuality, coming-out and figuring out his path in life, all at the same time.

I can't help but feel a sense of bitterness as I wonder if my friends and the people around me are rapidly enjoying themselves and riding high on the waves of life because they conveniently never had to worry about being average, physically undesirable, feeling out of place, feeling invisible, repressing their sexuality, feeling insecure or feeling like an incomplete jigsaw puzzle?

What am I going to do about building myself up professionally, about my raging undeveloped gay teenage hormones, about being comfortable with myself, about living abroad, about being emotionally strong, about my severe sense of insecurity, about being overly deep? Even while attempting to figure out how to get myself back on track, my low self esteem and body image issues have once again become my own worst enemy. Things got even harder when I came to terms with being gay. I feel so ugly and like an unwanted loser. I can't bear to look at pictures or reflections of myself. I feel so gross when I'm naked, when I shower, when I sleep. I can't even walk an open street without feeling dejected by my surroundings.

In comparison to other young adults who are thriving and moving forward, I cannot seem to thread through the underlying reason behind the spectrum of problems and the weight of the current burden I am shouldering in my twenties. I never thought that after struggling to come-out to myself, I had to struggle with accepting myself for the way I am along with the realities that come with the life and body that I have been given. Somehow I just couldn't do it and I broke down, neither was there anything I could do to change my stubbornness. It was a slap in the face as I felt helplessly cornered and trapped.

Everything was mentally and emotionally too overwhelming for me to handle that all I wanted was to be permanently unconscious, as being awake didn't give me the peace I was with myself. Ending my life would have probably meant that I no longer have to walk life in this body, but considering the number of cancer patients, tumour patients, coma patients, underprivileged kids and soldiers who are actually out there fighting for the chance to live, this foolish moment of vulnerability would have made me the most selfish person in the world and an ungrateful bastard.

Having no where to turn, I could only find temporary solace in putting myself to sleep. Lying down, a million thoughts and worries would criss-cross my mind. I would stare into the wall and wouldn't know how to help myself or what to look forward to. I can't kill myself, but neither am I driven by the motivation and optimism to live. Regardless of silent weeps that turn into sobs, falling asleep was what came after. Even so, my bottled up fears and subconscious never fails to manifests itself in my dreams as I wake up feeling exhausted and emotionally drained to an unchanged reality within the same body and person that I slept to escape. 

This unhappiness has been going on for almost a year and it's corroding my soul. I am still a complete train wreck who is contemplating whether I should ask for help. A good appetite for life is when you look forward to living it for a better tomorrow, driven by fulfilment, optimism, faith and contentment. Right now, my severe pessimism and fear of being bulldozed again is obstructing my faith and ability to ascend from a deep ocean trench, to once again feel the vastness of the sea, followed by the first liberating breath of fresh surface air.


  1. Honestly, You do exactly what I do all the frikkin time.


    Our minds are our greatest freedom, but they are also our own prisons. You should go and travel. Find an escape for a week. See things. Do things. And just don't think.

  2. While I am a pessimist, I do think that being cautious is a necessity in such instances. When I was about 13, I felt myself start losing control: I threw the existence of god out the window, had to confront my sexual orientation alone (have no parents), felt ever so insecure and below average. By the time I was 18 in IB I collapsed. My intellect was my only redeeming factor and after my depression took over, I felt it was gone. The existential questions that were always present finally overpowered me and have paralysed me for the last two years.

    My regret: I wish when things felt difficult that I had asked for help. So much could have been avoided. I walk about feeling dead inside everyday now. Talk to someone, even if its an overreaction. Its better to be cautious in this instance. I know there are certain prejudices against seeing a counselor or psychologist, but only you will have to live with yourself. Tackle these issues before they overwhelm you. :)