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Sunday, 3 August 2014

Longing To Share A Bed With Someone

This post happened weeks ago, but I'm just currently writing it down to work out some of my thought process. 

The time was 02:45 and there I was in darkness and in bed, trying to fall asleep when I suddenly felt my heart long yearningly for the warmth and novelty of having a familiar boyfriend fall asleep next to me. I wondered then and there about the soothing euphoria that comes when the boyfriend I share my bed with, drapes himself securely over me and holds me close as we sleep. The sound of a man breathing in slumber. His scent on the pillow, his touch and the smell of his hair.

It was one of those nights where I long to experience these human things that the rest of the world seem to have it fall into their hands so effortlessly, one after another. I lifted my head out of curiosity to study the size of my own teenage-era bed in the dark. "Boy. We've got a long way more to go towards that boyfriend and couple's bed you dream of so much. A long way more.

After a big sigh, I let my head fall back on the pillow to try and get some sleep. Then I wanted to touch myself. A little restless jerk-off might induce better sleep but my libido hasn't been cooperating properly in these months wither. I haven't felt properly in sync with my desires in a very long time. And even when I do it's mostly just quick jobs to feed the lust but not the heart. So demotivation won and I did nothing.

“Seriously M, a guy like you should be putting yourself out there, meeting more people and having sex at least twice a week. Come on, you’re not in your fifties. When I was your age, I was having a lot of sex. I met people and I could go all night. No matter how many times we did it, my dick was still hard.” T, the German backpacker friend whom I met again recently over coffee when he was in town.

As I continued to lie in my thoughts and desires, his words echoed through my head. He was right. I am not in my fifties. But my gay life seems to have taken on the form of an expired man or rather, a self-isolated one where I've lost my confidence, and have given up on developing myself. My sexual side is flat lining, I'm scared to go out and meet guys, I don't have what it takes, I don't have confidence, I am...

I felt my heart drifted away in a haze of my own prison cells before I closed my exhausted eyes into a world of temporary peace, hoping that the future might just get a little better for me tomorrow.


  1. You're not scared to go out and meet guys, you do have what it takes, you do have confidence, you are...
    Come on, attract these things into your life, thought become things ;)

    1. I will my friend. I'm just dwelling in my moment, because despite everything, I am still human and we are vulnerable.I know it's no excuse, but that's how life is. :)