Longing To Share A Bed With Someone

This post happened weeks ago, but I'm just currently writing it down to work out some of my thought process. 

The time was 02:45 and there I was in darkness and in bed, trying to fall asleep when I suddenly felt my heart long yearningly for the warmth and novelty of having a familiar boyfriend fall asleep next to me. I wondered then and there about the soothing euphoria that comes when the boyfriend I share my bed with, drapes himself securely over me and holds me close as we sleep. The sound of a man breathing in slumber. His scent on the pillow, his touch and the smell of his hair.

It was one of those nights where I long to experience these human things that the rest of the world seem to have it fall into their hands so effortlessly, one after another. I lifted my head out of curiosity to study the size of my own teenage-era bed in the dark. "Boy. We've got a long way more to go towards that boyfriend and couple's bed you dream of so much. A long way more." 

After a big sigh, I let my head fall back on the pillow to try and get some sleep. Then I wanted to touch myself. A little restless jerk-off might induce better sleep but my libido hasn't been cooperating properly in these months wither. I haven't felt properly in sync with my desires in a very long time. And even when I do it's mostly just quick jobs to feed the lust but not the heart. So demotivation won and I did nothing.

“Seriously M, a guy like you should be putting yourself out there, meeting more people and having sex at least twice a week. Come on, you’re not in your fifties. When I was your age, I was having a lot of sex. I met people and I could go all night. No matter how many times we did it, my dick was still hard.” T, the German backpacker friend whom I met again recently over coffee when he was in town.

As I continued to lie in my thoughts and desires, his words echoed through my head. He was right. I am not in my fifties. But my gay life seems to have taken on the form of an expired man or rather, a self-isolated one where I've lost my confidence, and have given up on developing myself. My sexual side is flat lining, I'm scared to go out and meet guys, I don't have what it takes, I don't have confidence, I am...

I felt my heart drifted away in a haze of my own prison cells before I closed my exhausted eyes into a world of temporary peace, hoping that the future might just get a little better for me tomorrow.