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Monday, 18 August 2014

Emotions From A Miserably Cold And Rainy Day

Recently, a lot has happened and new gay experiences have just been coming into my life much faster than I can write them. So bear with me. Sometimes the sequence of my emotions don't make sense is because they are a continuation of current or previous events which I have yet to write about. 

Anyway, I'm about to document some thought and emotional processes that happened to me in a single day today. It started with me going out in the late afternoon to meet a new guy from Hornet for drinks in the city centreThe weather was miserably cold and rainy, but the man that showed up was cute and genuinely pleasant.

When he first got in touch with me, I never took him seriously as someone that I would actually meet for real. It's one of those profiles where you think chatting is as far as it'll go because the digital rapport between us wasn't very interesting. But finally, we both made the effort to arrange a meeting for real and that was nice.

After our drinks, he went back to the office and I stayed back to check my messages before leaving. Another candidate nearby whom I've been chatting to for weeks on Jack'd notices our very close proximity and asks if we could meet for coffee nearby after his gym session. 

I requested for him to meet at an earlier time so that I don't have to wait around in the cold and rainy weather. Unfortunately, he wasn't going to sacrifice or postpone his gym time just to meet a new guy so it didn't work out. The rain was getting heavier and I decided to brave the cold and walk myself to the nearest bus stop which was about fifteen minutes away. 

Then while waiting for the bus, I suddenly felt very sad. This sudden state of melancholy had nothing to do with the failed second meet or whatever, but it was just negative emotions and sadness that have been bugging me for a while due to my frustrating search for a sorted career path and romantic satisfaction.

While riding on the bus, I thought heavily and sadly about the Australian guy I recently metI miss him. Both sexually and romantically as well. "Oh God, this kinda hurts. Why isn't he enthusiastic about meeting anymore? Why doesn't he make any effort for us to spend time together when he knows I only have a few more weeks left? What's go-"

"M! M! Stop! Stop it. You're a full grown civilised adult male and you're whining like a girl who just got played. Stop being ridiculous. He has the right to do whatever he wants. You just need to shut up and get over your own needy emotions. If you can't play this game like a man, don't play it.", another part of my heart yells as I forced myself not to let my confused emotions and infatuation for the Australian guy carry me further.

Later on, the bus finally arrives at the street where I'm staying and I got off. But before heading home, I decided to buy some groceries and walked to the supermarket which was another ten minutes away. The place was filled with good-looking gay guys that evening, one of which I couldn't keep my eyes off because he was out-of-my-league handsome and impeccably dressed for success.

While at the check out machine, his boyfriend came with another basket of groceries and he too looked very handsome and equally successful. Jesus, do wildly handsome and successful gays partner with only other wildly handsome and successful gays?

This is probably not the most positive thing to say, but standing at the cashier check out, I felt envious and inferior. It felt like there was no way I could ever be good enough being myself. Seeing those two guys live their lives in a shoe where they've already got the incredible good looks and the career success, I wondered deeply at that moment about what my options are in life for a struggling gay guy behind this journal.

As I walked out of the supermarket, so did they, sharing a stylish big black umbrella together under the cold rain with groceries in hand. They seem happy and securely in love, which dug out genuine positive emotions from me to the couple as another human being, but also my very own sense of inferiority and envy.


  1. WE all seek happiness, which is a universal truth. However, where we seek happiness is unique to each and every one of us. It is easy to be disappointed when our happiness is based on others, because if they do not "deliver" what we seek, we become disappointed. Therefore, the hardest path, is to find happiness within us.

    As a Buddhist, we are taught the best way to liberation of suffering is to help others. This way, the focus is away from our own suffering and placed on others suffering. When we help minimize others suffering, we build up our own good karma. When our karma becomes strong and ripens, our happiness will be found within us.

    I wish you GREAT happiness as you search for your path. In the mind time, you might consider giving your time to a cause close to you. It might change your perspective and bring you the connection you seek. Best wishes always.

    1. Thank you so much for your insightful comment. Buddhism does have a lot of wisdom in its teachings when it comes to dealing with suffering and also about our positions in life. I will accept your generous words and believe in the happiness that will come.

  2. I get that way sometimes too, I think its a conspiracy that hot men are lovers with other hot men! lol. But seriously, take a good bottle of wine out and the next day the sun will be out and the world less bleak,

    1. Hey there, thank you. Your words were actually so beautifully written it actually made me feel better about things.