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Thursday, 3 October 2013

Erotic Dreams With Body Issues

Lately, I've been experiencing a series of strange erotic dreams. All of them seem to revolve around hot successful guys or virile men that seem to be playing some kind of a sexual mind game with me. I wake up feeling like my blood veins have bloated to make way for more flow.

Yesterday, the one I had took place in an environment that resembles very much like a cross between a gay sauna and a male locker room of a sports club. The atmosphere was dimly lit, wet, misty, warm and there were lots of well-built naked men walking around busying themselves.

In the dream, I found myself approaching closer to this shower cubicle with a frosted glass door. Behind that translucent door panel, I could see a skin-coloured figure of an attractive stranger moving around under the running water enjoying his shower. I reached out my hand to push the surprisingly unlocked door open and locked it behind me after I step in. 

It was then that I discovered that the hot stranger showering in the cubicle was a naked M², (the Head of Department I used to fool around with) with an all-new chiselled body that was covered in water and body wash. Boy, I was so aroused beyond words at the sight. That feeling of adrenaline and excitement when you're about to have fun with another guy sent shock waves through my chest.

He continued to wash himself but consistently rejected my advances when I reached out to try and engage him for some fun. He wouldn't let me go far with my touching, and would stare at me with eyes that seem to suggest that I was not eligible to touch him while he carried on with his manly shower. I was frustratingly disappointed and felt rejected.

Then, in a change of dream sequence, I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of a cruising space amidst other masculine men. Some of them even looked very familiar to the guys that were in the second gay sauna I visited back in January 2012. They were walking around and cruising each other, but never gave me any eye-contact or attention. In fact, their body language seems to give off a vibe that seem to reinforce the inferiority I was worried about.

Standing there naked and being surrounded by men who were physically very manly made me feel like I wasn't good enough. They were tall, physically better built and had the looks and masculine air to match. The unpleasant feeling of disappointment and invisibility came back and engulfed me. Once again, I felt so left out. Ostracised if not. I wondered if there was anything I could even remotely do to transform myself into somebody where I never have to feel what it feels like not to be desired because you are not man enough.

As I freshened up out of bed and was eating my breakfast sandwich, I sat down there alone being struck by how this long time buried issue of mine could seep in and haunt me in the form of a dream. A dream that highlighted some very personal thoughts that I could never bring myself to admit honestly and openly without worrying if it will come back and bite me off my soul because I document things like that down here in this journal.

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