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Sunday, 29 September 2013

Where I Left Things With Some Guys

Sometimes, it really doesn't register in your head that we're only three months away from 2014. Last night, I finally got to chatting again with E which led me to write about where I recently left things with a couple of guys.

M²  (Last mentioned here)
Within the month of June, him and I continued to have a couple more sexual escapades behind closed doors of the same disabled toilet. There were times when it was exciting, and there were times when it wasn't very enjoyable. I still did not have full blown sex with him, although I'm hoping that we could outside office grounds.

Ever since I left the company, he and I never kept in touch. I did however sent him one or two text messages to see if there was a possibility of us taking the fun we had further. He never returned any of my messages and that was it. I still find myself occasionally yearning for his dexterous hands and the thought of him topping me like how he suggested. But nothing is going to happen for now.

J  (Last mentioned here)
2 months ago, I accepted J's invitation to meet up for the third time in the spirit of wanting to catch up even though he kept reinforcing the idea that he has a crush on me and wants to try dating. I wasn't exactly interested in him but went to see him anyway because I believe in giving gay friendships a chance.

Throughout the time that we sat down together, I noticed the same pattern of him talking a lot about his own life without ever genuinely asking about mine. The conversation revolves mainly around his experiences and what he does, what he likes. As I observe him and used my instincts to read his character, I realised that being with him can be very exhausting.

I already knew from the beginning that I wasn't physically or mentally attracted to him. I did try to find it or dig up something in me that would fall for him but to no avail. I told him that we should just be friends and the impression that I got was that he wasn't very happy with my suggestion. Then about 2 months ago, he moved away to be based in another state due to his job.

 (Last mentioned here)
So after the second time I saw him at his home, I kept some distance to think about what I wanted. Did I lose interest in the fun or in him? "You're losing interest in the guy who was nice to you in bed? How shocking", the voice teases sarcastically from the back of my head.

One might lose interest in the fun, but it doesn't mean we can't be friends. So I reached out to E about a month and a half ago to see if there was a chance of us getting to know each other better in public for drinks rather than always at his home. He said he prefers me naked and wants to kiss my back all over again. I didn't think we both were on the same page so I left the distance as it is.

Then here comes the needy part. The more guys I seem to try and engage on the cruising apps, the more I seem to miss E appreciatively on the inside for the way he turned out to be so different from the other guys when it comes to generosity with me. And with that, I dug out my buried sense of gratitude for him and got in touch once again yesterday.

As usual he's very content with his life. He told me a couple of guys wanted to be with him but the chemistry just wasn't there. Finally, a guy friend got closer to him within the past 3 months and he is now newly attached with a partner. "There we go", I thought. I was just wondering to myself how long more would a nice and attractive guy like him be single.

I wasn't surprised, but neither was I very happy about it. I think deep down, I was just jealous. I was jealous at the fact that people around me seem to be finding that special someone, or getting attached with the partner they want to be with and I'm the late developing person who still can't seem to put his faith in destiny to bring him the best he is meant for.

On the other hand, I smiled silently out of happiness because I know deep down in my heart E deserves this. I took the opportunity to tell E everything that I thought of him in my heart. About how he is a good guy and how he deserves someone who really wants to be with him whole-heartedly. I told him I am happy for him and thanked him for everything that he did for me. He said he just did what every other normal guy would do. I said no, not every other normal attractive guy. Especially to a newbie like me? And I enclosed a smiley face.

He appreciated my words of thankfulness and started opening up too. He told me how he wanted to kiss me the first time we met, of how moments with me were different from other guys because it felt loving, of how nice and good he felt when he was with me. Apparently he wanted to see me more often, but I was 'distant' and 'didn't seem interested'. Yeah, I was kinda responsible for that part.

He wished me well and hoped that one day I'll open my heart up to the right guy. Regardless if everything he said was the truth, it certainly gave me the realistic words of encouragement I needed to hear. His words give me hope that I might not be what I thought I am, and that I can be special in my own way. And that one day, I will get to experience what it feels like to open your heart up to another man. To feel those feelings of love and emotional intimacy that everyone seems to get so effortlessly in my eyes.


  1. "[O]pen up [your] heart." Yeah, that's really what it's about. I think E is right. And IMO, sex doesn't even have to be a part of it, even though it usually is. But when the sex is all that matters, there's the risk of missing out on a wonderful relationship. People use the phrase "soul mate" — not body mate — for a reason.

    So best wishes for having someone come into your life to whom you want to open your heart and who will open his to you.

    1. Hi there. Yeah I know what you're talking about. I realised that a while ago, but then it all boils down to how I'm willing to let my heart approach things. Thanks for stating your two cents my friend.