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Wednesday, 1 May 2013

When Something Falls On Your Lap

I have a lot of therapeutic writing to do for myself. I think it was on a lazy Sunday afternoon when I first made contact with E via Grindr. He was there in his blur thumbnail and I was a frustrated werewolf nearing the end of a full moon without having bitten anyone. It is stated from the last post that I've been spending the recent Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays cruising compulsively. By the end of each day, I am drained and exhausted from all the talking, coaxing and pushing without anything materialising. My face and spirit would resemble a teenager who didn't make it to the basketball team.

I take pride in usually being a gentlemen when chatting to other guys, but on that particular Sunday I just couldn't help myself for being in such an abrupt dictatorial mode. I was very upfront with my request as I told E that I was serious about finding someone to have fun with that evening. And would appreciate if he to put it in literal sense, didn't waste my time. After a couple of face picture exchanges and persistent pushing on my part, he went along with the flow. But in the end, I chose to see a friend who wanted to hang out for coffee versus going to meet up with him at his place.

Then after about 2 to 3 weeks of here and there, I found myself juggling between arranging a sex date with a middle-aged athletic man in his 40s, and inviting E to meet over coffee on a Sunday evening. I think I said something like, let's give each other a chance and you'll get to decide how it all ends or turn out. E was reluctant and I could sense that it was because he feared that I would turn out to be a disappointment. I am not going to lie and say that a part of me wasn't nervous or worried too, but I'm just really tired of not coming into contact with anything new that I'm willing to give things a try.

E finally came into the coffee house accompanied by another friend who also looked stylishly good. Our hands touched as we exchanged pleasantries and somehow my eyes just couldn't get used to seeing E in flesh because he is now a 3 dimensional entity complete with a manly aura. 

Although E was the star of this meet up, but my attention also went partially to his sharp looking friend. It definitely takes a while to gauge but as my vision adjusted, I realised that E is more of my kind of guy. He's kinda hot and pleasantly good-looking in his own way. He gives me the confidence to believe that camera lenses just never do justice to real flesh and blood.

So we talked and got to know each other like two mature adults over the café table. There was a moment in my head when I was aware that I am actually sitting down and talking to real gay guys. I have indeed come a long way from kissing a guy for the first time in the Windy City and writing about my journey.

As we got to know each other more, I knew that the evening wasn't going to end up the way I hoped it would because of all the talking that brought out a pleasant sense of courtesy and respect for each other. His height, his shoulders, his arms, his body, his lips. I won't deny that I was rooting for some fun, but this meeting melted my heart a little. I think I could idolise this guy.

There was a point where E laid his hand briefly on my shoulder and I felt my heart fluctuate itself for an erotic second. He is not only an attractive 37 year old youthfully-28-looking guy, but one that is also firmly secure and positively happy about himself. And that intimidates me, so much. I thought there I was, the person behind Gay & Invisible, seated in the coffee house with two hotter looking and more established men, reminding me of everything I feared to be insecure about. Will I ever rise to their level in order to be good enough? I felt so tiny, so insecure.

The time to make a move came and we parted ways after a handshake. As I walked towards the basement car park, I felt so bummed. In the sense that I just want to crawl back into my hole and stay there forever because I was demotivated. I was an insecure person who idolise others. However, while in the midst of feeling a little bummed about how I'm truly lost and how I'm ever going to find my way, I just couldn't get E out of my head or the warmth I felt in my heart after the meeting.

4 comments:

  1. great post, I can certainly identify with the feelings and emotions you've painted with words here. I think perhaps we all have, at least in part, at some point in our lives. For me in brings back memories of my youth, back then I never thought I'd be 'together' or 'mature' like the guys I had met for coffee, although I'd met mine via lonely hearts or other such ads in magazines - no grindr in those days! Yet, I did grow, mature and then there was one day I met a younger guy, in a coffee shop, not too dissimilar to the kind of meeting you've just had with E, life had gone almost full circle! Take from that what you will!

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    1. Hi Jason, I am glad that this post brings back memories for you. It means we've all gone through the similar experiences and that we're not alone.

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  2. I can definiely relate to your experience! To borrow a song title from Alison Moyet, I go "weak in the presence of beauty"... It's something I've struggled with for years.
    I hope this is the beginning of a change for you. It's true that it happens when you least expect it...yours truly excluded, of course!
    Keep believing and it will all come together one day!

    Jeff

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