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Monday, 20 May 2013

Am I Developing My Own Gaydar?

The other day, Hot Alpha Male and his gang of female colleagues were seated at a table next to me for lunch. That tight-fitting dark blue silk shirt that wraps around his Marvel superhero built. Those lower-body hugging grey slacks and polished leather shoes. I was soaking in a hot tub in my own head. I could no longer concentrate on my food as looking at him was all I needed to feel full. What is it about him that I can't take my eyes off? 

"Okay. This obsession is getting no where and it's getting ridiculous. Come on M, clear your head. The real thing. Yes or a No?" After a pause, I hear my inner self went: "No"

There we are. I needed to hear myself say it out loud inside. Ever since properly coming to terms with my attraction for men, I think my inner gaydar has been gradually developing over time. My presence at a recent Futsal event filled with athletic straight guys made me realise the vibe I am now more aware of picking up when in the company of other men. 

I can't describe how it works, for obviously there are times when one doesn't even need such a gift to tell if the guy in front of you is gay. But when using it on other guys who are more challenging to sniff out, the intuition feels somewhat like a mechanical switch that would tell you if a guy might not be foreign to male intimacy.

Previously while trying to figure this out, I used to crack my head on how to develop such a complicated knack for knowing which candidate is playing for the same team. But now, I actually think that this radar is something that grows on you as you venture deeper into the gay fraternity. Your skills gets sharpened as you surround yourself more with gay guys.

Once while attending language school, I walked into a new class and instantly noticed this cute American guy seated at the corner. I indulged myself in a little fantasy kissing with him. Then for some reason, an inquisitive bullet of thought shot through my mind as quickly as it penetrated a wound in my skull. Gay! Maybe...

"Jeez M. Where the hell did that come from? A fantasy kiss in your head does not make the cute guy you fancy gay. Shut up!", my inner voice scolds as it reasons with itself. Then we finally chatted for the first time at the cafeteria and his behaviour completely convinced me even more that this guy is actually gay. Not just any gay, but a potentially bitchy one even though there were no signs of effeminacy. But man, he is cute.

After a few weeks, me and him were walking on the street going towards a party when he said he was going to see his boyfriend after this. I happily smiled to myself and at the thought that I might be developing my very own gaydar: "Hey look, gay! My gut feeling was right after all! I hear improvement bells ringing..."

The real challenge to a gaydar I find however, is the difficulty of trying to trust what your gay instincts are telling you so strongly in the midst of trying to digest the sometimes contradictory reality that seem to be playing itself out right in front of my eyes. Nevertheless, I think it is too soon to conclude whether or not if I have developed my very own gaydar, but I certainly hope that down the road I will sooner or later have one.

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