If They're Straight, They're Straight!

It's my day off so thought I'd write down some thoughts. My mom recently verbalised that I tend to live in a world of my own. No matter how much I try to delude myself, I can't deny that what she said is indeed the underlying truth to my life.

I recently attended my company's corporate Futsal event and was surrounded by dark, tanned, and sweaty well-built athletic men. Not all of them are necessarily good-looking, but the fact that they're half-naked and drench in virility over a variant of football just magnifies whatever lack-of-love-from-a-man desire I was feeling.

As I wandered and mingled my way through the crowded sports complex, I came across many of the guys who piqued my interest. Now what brought on the next epiphany, was my instinctive behaviour of how I tend to absent-mindedly gaze at them in a way that only a guy would do to a girl he fancies. 

For many years now, this has been the story of my life and my targets just never seem to notice me or even the slightest attention I have on them. Which brought on this conversational discussion I had with myself in my head.

Me:

"M, look. Just look. Use your damn eyes and let's be honest with ourselves. What do you see?" 

Me:

"I see that I'm looking at them, talking to them, smiling at them, paying attention to them. But they're not responding and they actually don't care about my presence."

Me:

"So what does that tell you then? Come on. You're a smart guy, don't tell me you can't figure simple things out. Let's think about it for a second and take you as an example. For years, you've been doing whatever it is that you're doing and constantly putting in so much effort and attention towards guys. Why is that?" 

Me:

"It's because I love them, I'm interested in them, I wanna be with them, be loved by them. I harbour crushes for them and I idolise them! Oh I don't know, a million inexplicable reasons?"

Me:

"Do you think this feeling is sometimes beyond your control?"

Me:

"Yeah actually I do. I don't know why I feel this way... I mean, I didn't ask to feel this way. But yet, I just feel it. I can't justify why these guys have such an effect on me. It just comes from within. Can't help it, I'm human."

Me:

"Exactly! So if they were looking for something similar or were in any sense 'gay' with an instinctive behaviour that comes from within, wouldn't they be acting or reciprocating in a way that you are now unconsciously and instinctively doing? If they're straight, they're straight! End of story, nothing more."

Me: [sigh...]

It was a partial self wake-up call, but also a fate in life I think I have to accept if I'm ever going to move on. This whole conversation made me wonder if my past experience in trying to deal or cope with my constant falling in love with guys such as him, him, him or him, was because I believed and couldn't let go of the self-conjured, painted, crafted, created, whatever image or fantasy of them in my head?

Rather than honestly perceiving things, people and characters for what they really are, I allowed my flimsy self to be carried away with thoughts and hopes of the very guys that are capable of bringing out the inner crazy lovesick teenager living in me that has come to be my dilemma.

Damn, they're straight and you're a guy who's attracted to other guys in a straight world. They're straight. There's nothing more and there's no way they will ever break convention to respond to you. Move the fuck on and get on with life. 

You know I can't help but wonder if this realisation from this point foward, will go on to teach me how to cope smarter with my gay thoughts and feelings in a straight world?