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Monday, 10 December 2012

Falling for People Again

Yesterday, I spontaneously decided to join two of my female friends for a couple of beers at a pub. Which is rare, considering how sloth always gets the better of me rather than go out. After the first round, we then decided to drive into a nice area of the capital city for more drinks.

We settled down into a nice bar. Halfway through our drinks, I found myself paying attention to a really hot middle-aged guy sitting alone at a table behind us. Since I won't be able to stop myself from exchanging intermittent glances, or gaze at him, thought I might as well try to see if I could catch a little eye-contact.

Then one of my friends said: 
"Hey, look at that older guy behind you. I don't know what it is, but there's something very hot about him."

"Yeah, I know! I've been noticing him ever since he sat there."

"Jeez, do you have eyes at the back of your head or something? How the hell do you notice these people?"

"I don't know! Sometimes my instincts just happen to turn my head into a particular direction and there will be some hot guy within my field of vision."

So we just carried on chatting while I turn my head around occasionally to look at the hot guy. I felt his subtle attention on us too, but it's one of those vibes in which you are just not sure. Just before I could keep track of the minutes, he was standing beside our table, asking for tips on where to go for a late night because the bar closes at about 3am. 

My heart started beating a little faster as each of us politely pander to his courageous friendliness. "Invite him to sit down!", goes my inner voice. But I kept my love-sick tendencies under control and carried on the casual talk. Then, he seized the chance at one of our conversational lines and spontaneously took the empty seat right beside me. He is British, of Anglo-French descent and charismatically attractive. An expatriate on a business trip who currently resides in a neighbouring country.

There's something mysteriously attractive about him, and intimidating in a way too. Throughout the conversation, I felt his steady eye-contact and constant charming attention. Either my imagination was leading me on, or this beautiful hot guy is distractingly mesmerising in close proximity. His well defined chiseled face, soft brown eyes, and arousing stubble that surrounds those beautifully luscious firm lips. That broad, broad shoulder and amazingly masculine arms. I want to kiss him devouringly, bite him slightly and make passionate silent love to him. The lengths I would go to to please this man and have him be my partner in life.

He was 41, a successful hot bachelor in which I told him could pass off as 35. He said he liked me. Called me nonchalantly charming and asked if I was as good with the ladies as I was with him. I smiled and kept cool without revealing anything about my preference.

After a couple more conversational exchanges, he wanted to prolong our company by buying us another round of drinks. It was an extremely kind gesture on his part and a hard-to-believe one that we've all been refusing, but politeness got the better of us. "How could we say no to him?", I hear from the back of my head.

I asked him about the current choice of Mojito in his hand, and why? He said it was his favourite cocktail and that he was very much in the mood of having one. As soon as I told him it was mine too, his face brightened with excitement and without hesitation, took charge and commanded two more Mojitos for the both of us, and two more pints of beer for the girls.

[In My Head]
This man, is so unpredictably in control and hot. 
Same favourite cocktail for the 2 of us, guys? I must be crazy.
Wonder how it'd feels like being civil-partnered to him.

Me: [grinning]
"So, how's life going at 41? Are you genuinely happy with how things are working out for you so far?"
"Apart from you know, looking good and ageing very well?"

He was surprisingly pleased with my last sentence, but was equally trying to hide his smile from being thrown off-guard. Ho! He sure did not see this coming.

He: [alternating between the girls and me]
"Whoa. I like this guy! M here knows that he's charming!"
"You're quite chatty aren't you? I can see that your mind is actually WAY older than your physical age."
"He's probably the only guy I've ever met who goes so deep into his chats."
"I can certainly imagine you being a really good interviewer."

The Girls: [giggling]
"Yeah, he's actually an old guy at heart. A granny maybe!"

He: [laughs]

"Well... I seem to do that a lot to everybody I meet. My friends' parents included."
"I just can't help my overwhelming curiosity for deep questions."
"I mean if we're going to have a conversation with someone, we might as well have a deep and honest one right? Otherwise why bother?"

He: [smiling]
"That's true actually." 
"So... "
"You like honesty?"

Me: [laughs]
"Yeah... I guess."

He: [smiling]
"Hmm... " 
"Well I would say that my time in my 30s and 40s, are definitely way better than when I was in my 20s."

"That's pretty normal isn't it?"

He: [smiling]
"Well how would you guys know? You're only in your 20s!"

"Well that's because everybody says that, and I believe it to be very true. Experience is a wise teacher. Most of the people I meet are much older in general so they've pretty much said it countless times, that humans are much more confident and stable in life when we're in our 40s than in our 20s. Kind of like finally having a better understanding of our identities, and who you really are in life."

He: [smiling]
"Wow, I'm impressed. You guys surely are different from the other people around here."

Me & The Girls: [laughing]
"Yeah. Maybe that came from years of growing up and watching international talk shows about life?"

The Girls: [looking at his wrist]
"Hey, that's a nice watch you got there!"

He: [fondles his watch]
"Oh, this?"
"Well it's a funny story actually. I'm not sure if it's worth telling."

Me: [charming grin]
"Try us."
"Okay. How about you tell us the story behind your watch and I'll tell you the one behind mine? I'll promise to make it worth your while."

He: [chuckling]
"So, after those deep questions, we're now moving on to talking about jewellery?"
" ... "
"Okay. I actually found this watch on a beach in the south of England about 10 years ago. So it's been good, and it's been with me ever since."
"So now it's your turn. It better be good as you promised."

Me: [smile]
"Aaw don't worry. Trust me, it's good. I'll make it worth your while."
"So uh. This is... "
"This is the first... grown-up watch my father bought me when I was around 18 years old. It's a Tissot and I love this watch so much. But the funny thing is however, throughout my life, I've never shared a good relationship with my father."

He: [smiles impressively]
"Wow... "
"You're right. That IS a good story."

My confidence soared a couple of notches. Man, the night's getting good! Then the topic between him and the girls somehow drifted to their favourite films, actors and actresses, in which he said: "I, am a straight guy. -"

Upon hearing that phrase, I instantly felt the enormous weight of my own huge disappointment, ramming realistically into me at about a 100 miles an hour. I was lost in total free fall.

He: [looking at the girls]
"- So if I were to sleep with a man it would be George Clooney. He seems like the kind of guy who would stay up in bed all night and talk to you." 
"What is it about him anyway that you girls find him so attractive? 

Me: [looking at him nonchalantly]
"Why don't you ask yourself that?"
"I mean considering how you'd turn gay for him."

He: [laughs]
"Ho ho! This guy right here, is really good with his words isn't he?!"

I kept a clean smile and remained neutral, but deep down inside, I was so crestfallen that I could no longer concentrate on what was happening in the foreground. I silently hated myself for being so vulnerable and naive. "He's not even gay or interested! Despite everything that was happening throughout the evening. All that I was secretly hoping for and all that was going on in my head. He's straight. He fucks women. Full stop."

After drinks, we moved on to a local eatery for some food. Throughout supper, I couldn't keep my gaze off him and my heart just kept pounding at every syllable his voice mumbled. All I wanted to do after all that conversation, was climb onto his lap, embrace his scent and kiss those luscious lips while I run my fingers through those masculine stubble so badly. The thought of not seeing him again was depressing. I really didn't want him to go. This is ridiculous, how could I have felt such overwhelming hormonal emotions when he is in fact, just a man who shared a few hours of conversation together at the bar. "Jeez, pull yourself together! This is crazy. You need psychological help."

When we got into the car, I happen to look at my phone and saw a missed text message that was sent earlier by one of the girls within the first few minutes of him sitting down with us back at the bar. It read: Either he's gay, or he's into her (the other hot friend). I couldn't gauge what was really happening any more and I no longer have the motivation to.

To return his friendly gesture for picking up the tab at the bar, we paid for his food and agreed to drop him off at his hotel which was a 5 minute drive away. I felt the grasp of his final handshake and told him how nice it was to meet him. He got out of the car and finally closed the door. As I watch him disappear into the opulent hotel lobby, I felt so sad and wondered if I'll ever get to see him again. "What the fuck is wrong with me? What is this sense of heavy attachment I'm feeling towards him? Lust, love, longing, infatuation, idolisation?"

For the next few hours in bed, I couldn't get him out of my head. I sent him a text message once I got home and constantly looked at my phone as I visualised all the possibilities I had with him. I took a moment and admitted to myself that right from the onset of his presence with us, I secretly hoped that this was the unexpected guy and relationship I've been waiting for. But also told myself to stop blowing a simple engaging meeting with a hot guy, filled with chemistry out of proportion.

I know. It's such a stupid, silly disappointment to be sad over. 


  1. The same thing happened to me just a week ago. It's disappointing, but hey, apparently you're quite the charmer so that's a bit of a silver lining.

    1. Hi JP, you go through the same thing too?! Man that sucks! How do you tell yourself to keep up?

    2. Haha, well, I usually give it a few days, look back and laugh at the whole situation. I've fallen for straight guys enough times that I realize now that sometimes you just need these "evil" misleading straight guys in your life to make the good /gay/ ones you do meet and fall for that much more awesome.

      Nice blog btw, look forward to future posts and digging back into your older ones.

    3. Hi JP, thank you so much for the gesture. Based on what you've just told me, did you manage to finally meet or appreciate any good gay ones in the end? Tell me more!

    4. I actually do have someone I fancy right now. We got to know each other pretty well over the summer but then I went abroad for the semester and we lost contact. I can only hope we can start where we left off when I get back. After so many false hopes, it was nice to find someone whose feelings were reciprocated back towards me, and yeah, it felt pretty awesome :P

  2. What a wonderful story! Nothing "silly" or "stupid" about it! Philosophically, I suppose it's best to just enjoy the company of someone for who and what they are. That's rarely, if ever easy, though. I should know. These sort of encounters have peppered my life for years! Unfortunately, not a single one turned out to be more than what it was...The "high" and the anticipation are to be savored...
    The latest was on a trip to Italy...I traveled as a single with a group...Another "single" guy in the group and I hit it off...dining together..exploring on our own during free time..It had been years since I'd enjoyed someone that much..He returned home a day ahead of me, as I stayed a day longer after the tour ended. I received an email from him immediately upon his arrival home.."shortly after he walked in the door", as he put it..He told me how much he enjoyed the trip and our photographic journeys in the places we visited. Of course, I was flying high! We've continued to keep in touch as we live in different cities. He's straight, but obviously comfortable with most anyone. The time spent with him will always be something to cherish even though I may never see him again. It's hard coming to grips with such scenarios. But, I've learned to value them. For you, the day will come when an encounter will turn out to be more. Don't give up on that!

    1. Hello there, nice reading what you wrote. Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your recent travel story with me. It does make me feel a little better about my own feelings of falling foolishly for guys who are never going to be more than what we hoped it would be.

      Do you have any more stories such as this to share with me? I'd like to hear more. By the way, thank you so much for your encouraging words on not giving up.