Exterminating My Sense Of Naiveness

Less than a year ago, it would have been so hard to imagine sharing my true journey with my loved ones. I remember how calm and in control I was the night I officially came out to my Mom. But the next morning while standing numbly over the sink after a shower, I suddenly found myself sobbing uncontrollably with my hands firmly gripping the edge of the sink for support. I looked at my own reflection in the mirror and couldn't quite gauge the future of the guy that was staring back. It was a moment I'll never forget.

About 3 weeks ago, I was in the midst of one of those low moments. After sequestering myself for a whole day, I finally came downstairs to have a hot drink before bed. Then we had an unexpectedly honest conversation.

She:

"Are you sure you're not hungry? You skipped dinner."

Me:

"No it's okay. I'll just have this drink and then I'll go to bed."

She:

"M, I know you're feeling low, but whatever it is, please regulate your appetite and make sure you take good care of your own health."

I didn't answer her. After a few sips and sitting in minutes of silence, I started talking.

Me:

"The therapist and I worked on a life chart. She told me to understand that there are a lot of things in life that we have absolutely no control over. And that in order to move forward, we're going to have to learn how to accept 'the life pattern' as part of what makes us the person that we are today."

She:

"Well this is your acceptance phase. You can't force it and it takes time. I think she would be the one who would be able to guide you out of this."

I felt a deep build up from within, and before I knew it, all the energy found it's way through my eyes.

Me: [tearing]

"But I don't know why coming to grips with this unfamiliar phase is so hard for me, it's ridiculous..."

"Somehow I know for a fact that if you were to put another person in my shoes, they would have picked themselves up and just moved on, or perhaps handled the situation better."

She: [silent observation]

Me:

"I've tried, and I'm still trying. I'm very afraid of my pattern in life. I don't know how to accept and face the rise and fall, the whole trial and error that comes with being me. I did not persevere through the past, just to find myself in the current lost and unfulfilled state that I am today."

She:

"Look, it's not that easy. You've pushed yourself so hard for the past year. Nobody would actually know deep down, what you're going through and the journey you've taken me on."

"As a mother, your struggle is so real to me that I feel so helpless. I have learnt so much from you because you are my son, and you opened me eyes to this side of life. It is through you that I now understand, and could see for my very own eyes what people go through when they struggle with themselves and their sexuality."

"You taught me that being gay is not 'a choice to be made', neither is it a trend. By the way, you're talking about your sexuality right?"

Me:

"I'm talking about both, the gay aspect of myself and my career destiny in life. They're both not taking-off or developing well at the moment. I'm pushing myself because I'm desperate. I've wasted so much time figuring things out that I just want to move on and be okay. I'm turning a year older in a couple of days, but here I am still so lost and not sure about the next step or what's supposed to be in stall for me."

"In terms of being gay, I have a very strong feeling that that's not even an issue any more. It's starting to become an additional excuse just to feed my depression because I realised that deep down, there is nothing wrong with being gay. You just have to accept and be comfortable with that side of yourself, which I'm already working on."

"But I'm still having trouble making peace, and accepting myself 'physically' for the way I am. And that's what fuels my diffidence and my lack of will to face the gay world. It's what makes me so insecure because I know for a fact that I'm not in the position to experience and live the gay life I want."

She:

"Are you calling yourself ugly? You're saying you're not desirable? Because I can tell you right now that it's all in your head. And that is something you have to overcome. Don't tell me that every single gay guy out there cares about physicality so much that no one bothers to even look at your character or like you for the person that you are?"

Me: [silent]

"... "

Me:

"I don't know. Seems like that was certainly the message I got when I was trying to find my way around the saunas, bars and queer gatherings. You know, whenever I think about putting myself in the middle of it, I remember all of the exact emotions and inadequacy I felt when I explored them alone."

"It wasn't exactly encouragingly enjoyable." 
"I felt like... this crazy person, running around from place to place, trying to find that peace of mind and validation that comes with knowing how a sweet gay experience would taste like. But I didn't find it."

She: [silent]

Me:

"... "

"I didn't find it. And the whole thing back-fired on my own sense of self."

"You know after being in the closet for 10 years, I was certainly not expecting this when I decided to free myself from denial to chase those years of self-repression back."

She:

"Okay, you're frustrated I get it. But don't say that. Because you don't know what might come in the end for you!"

"I actually think you did it all wrong. You were so focused on using your courage and inner strength to find answers and experiences for yourself that you never thought about how it might affect you. Throwing yourself into bars and saunas alone, you could have very well approached this the wrong way."

Me:

"It was the ONLY WAY I knew how to get out of my comfort zone!" 
"Who else was I gonna turn to for guidance? There was no one!"
"I just... I... "
"... "

She:

"I think you're pushing yourself a little too hard. Stop being so hard on yourself. Why don't you consider temporarily giving this gay thing a rest?"

Me:

"Okay, tell me how. Tell. Me. How?!" 

"I don't know what's gotten into me, but ever since I decided to accept my feelings, I seem to wake up everyday now thinking about guys. I can't walk the streets without wondering how it feels like to kiss every guy, make-out with them, touch them, feel them. My overwhelming desires are seemingly hard to handle and driving me crazy these days."

"I used to be able to keep it all to myself because I was closeted, and could therefore bear the repression that comes with being in fear. I did it for 10 fucking years. But now,  I've grown into someone who realised that it's okay to want these things. That, all of my previous desires were now possible and attainable."

She:

"So you want a partner? A boyfriend, is that it?"

Me:

"No. Actually I... " 
"... " 
"I don't know." 

"I really don't know what would help any more."

"Initially I thought a boyfriend was the answer to helping me develop some gay experiences. But I've discussed this with some close friends, and they think it might not be the solution to solving my current problems as a whole because I haven't fully accepted myself, or at least be at peace."

"In addition, I personally don't think it's sensible to just wait around for the guy and the gay experience. In fact, I really need to make an informed decision about my heading in life. I don't wanna be the guy who end up making the wrong decision about placing too much focus on the gay aspect of my life that it compromises the overall worth of the other."

"You know what's worse than being gay and invisible? No professional sense of direction in life."

She:

"Then I guess you better start planning for yourself. Know what you want to achieve! For what is worth, I actually think that if you had a boyfriend, you wouldn't be struggling this badly alone. At least you would have someone who's gone through the same shoes to turn to." 

Me:

"You think?"

She:

"Yeah."

"Maybe you just haven't met that somebody who can help develop you. Someone to grow and discover this journey together with you."

Me: [mumbled to myself]

"I've never had anyone around me because either I'm not good enough for people, or people are not good enough for me."

She:

"I'm talking about the bigger picture here!"

Me:

"What do you mean?"

She:

"I mean someone who can really share your heart, your thoughts and your emotions. That someone who will love you for you and feels the same way, the same connection. That's what matters! It's called a relationship. It's what happens in the straight world too if you want to compare it that way, gay or straight."

[In My Head]

Wow. She's right.

She:

"So don't tell me every gay guy out there is looking for appearance just because after a few bars and saunas, you seem to realise that's the requirement. I don't believe that to be 100% true! Every gay guy can't have ridiculously insurmountable high standards?"

Me:

"You know Mom, you might think I don't know, but I'm actually perfectly aware of the way I think. Just sitting here and listening to us talk about this, I do feel unbelievably small and naive."

She: [silent observation]

Me:

"And I know you must think that how can a deep and smart guy like me in his twenties, focus so much on the shallow aspects of being different that he has absolutely no idea about the fundamentals of what constitutes a basic romantic human to human relationship. I -" 

She:

"- No. I don't think that." 

"In fact, I could understand why you're finding this all hard to digest because let's be honest, no matter how much we tell you how easy and simple things actually are, being gay really requires a whole other way of thinking. I'm just sad that you have to go through it all on your own while none of us can help understand it from your point of view."

Me:

"And trust me, this whole physicality thing, I didn't make it up! Coming from someone who is trying to break into gay life, I can't tell you how real that is. No matter how much one tries to deny or justify with it. 

"I can't change the way I look, so does this mean that I'll find no one, or will have to succumb to the realistic limitations of what my looks will bring, along with the invisible fate that comes with being gay?" 

"Listen, I'm not asking you to answer that." 

"Just merely wondering myself you know, where do I go from here?"

She:

"I think you need to meet people. Friends who are also gay, who might be able to guide you, understand you and bring you into the network. It always starts out as friends before anything else develops, it always does. You can't expect to meet someone out of the blue and then happily ever after. That doesn't exist. Because if it does, you would have experienced it already."

"You just need time to know how the gay system works. And I don't think you can go further with resi-"

Me & Her: [simultaneously]

"-residual homophobia..."

She:

"Yes... " 

"Maybe deep down, you're still having issues with that. Maybe timing is still not right?"

Me: [deep sigh]

Me:

"I guess you may have a point there." 

"Maybe I can't expect things to happen with one foot out the door, and the other still in the closet. You have no idea how much I envy guys who found answers and experiences without even having to invest half the effort. But in my case, it's always the harder approach to get something."

"In regard to what you said about relationships and sharing your heart with another guy, I actually know what you're talking about. Kinda brought me back to those days of developing crushes and falling in love with some of my girl friends in the past. That feeling of being intoxicated. It was sad not being able to pursue them without hurting them. 

She:

"I've always liked your girl-crushes. They were always good choices."

Me:

"But the thing is, considering how much more difficult it is being gay, I don't think I might meet the guy version of them."

She:

"You don't know that!"

"Stop over-thinking everything. It's all very theoretical."

This conversation actually makes me realise, how much more I desperately need to grow and  progress in life. So kids, always make sure to develop yourself accordingly.