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Monday, 1 April 2013

Writing Down Feelings Harvested from Work

Work has allowed me to move on a little with life. Sometimes I hear myself think: "If only these corporate bosses knew about your messed up story for the past year and a half, along with the avalanche that is still going on behind this diligent façade, you would have never been hired!"

The plan was to divide myself between a professional environment and taking time to think about my own personal issues and depression. Hence, trying to restore some balance in Beaker R. However, the familiar heavy-hearted moments where I stand under the drizzling rain of my own negative emotions still shows up occasionally. For sometimes, I thought I might have gotten my feelings figured out, and sometimes I haven't.

When work gets demanding, I burst on the inside because my heart is currently not in a space where it can give itself whole-heartedly to something when my real self, the one that really matters is rigidly frozen in frost. I think I haven't been at peace in over a span of 2 years, and that's a long time. In addition to that, I'm still clueless as to what is supposed to happen in regard to my lovelorn feelings for guys.

For example, I previously wasn't aware of the existence of a couple of good-lookers in my building. But for the past month, I have been keeping a headcount and a mental photograph of each one in my head. There is Corporate Team Guy, Cute IT Analysis Guy, Tall Dark Building Maintenance Guy, 4th Level Division Leader, Hot East Asian Team Leader, Hot Alpha Male Guy, Tall Mesmerising Jock etc. 

I do occasionally cross paths with a couple of them and never fail to strike up some form of verbal exchange to get noticed. However most of the time, it's something that comes as quickly as it goes. They make me feel like, my closeted school self again even though we're now in the real world. "How can this be M? How can this be?"

A recent company conference gathered every single one of my eye-candies into a hall. Being in the presence of them, I was feeling the effects of a multitude of feelings a closeted gay guy could experience. It made me feel so lost, and at the same time, excavated this tone of sadness in me I can't explain. 

While the presentation was going on in the background, I couldn't keep my glances off the Tall Mesmerising Jock in which I've been eyeing since I started workingHe has amazing black hair, dreamy eyes, porcelain tanned skin and a tall athletic body to match. There he was standing in his sharpest work attire, arms folded, shoulders and back against a wall with his right knee folded outward to resemble a male model pose. Those long legs, smooth black slacks and piano-surface polished shoe. I pictured all the things that could happen between us for rounds. 

I think he noticed my stares. After a while, I just didn't feel like being with people so I made my way back upstairs to my cubicle. As I sat down and continue to distract myself with some work, I felt my nose heat up in pain and I teared up in silence. My mind dislodged itself from the present and I thought about the cold months where I first discovered the Gaybanker, the first time I stepped into a gay barthe time when I visited the gay sauna. About how the entire trajectory of the one and a half year journey culminated with me being here, now.

I thought about this particular post, and recalled everything that went through me when I wrote that last year. Still the same person? I thought about what my friend once told me, "Maybe you feel that you will never be, or can't ever attain the guy you're attracted to." 

Then I thought to myself: "Maybe you're just being a brat because you realised you're one who has been dealt a horrible deck of cards in which the journey in life to getting what you want hasn't been easy."

Halfway through feeling down and low, my hormones were telling me I want to feel loved. So I made 2 trips to the bathroom within a span of an hour and jerked-off twice to the guys I desired. The sexual release calmed me down exponentially and lifted my mood a little until I went home to bed at night and jerked off another time to sleep. Hopefully being able to face a better tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. So you fancy a couple of guys from your job, big fucking deal. Do you think the straight men in your job don't pawn over the women? Don't beat yourself up over it. You are over complicating, normal reactions.