The Elementary Metaphor To Finding My Appetite For Life Again

I am a very theoretical person. Sometimes too frustratingly theoretical that it often gets in the way of my grip in life. Which explains why I get so worked up all the time whenever things don't turn out a certain way I expect them to.

I've always grown up with an embedded principle that if one stumbles upon a certain problem, there is always a certain "sure-fire solution" to make things right. For the past few years, life has been trying to tell me otherwise. Getting comfortable with unpredictability, learning to embrace failure and imperfections, is a state of thinking I'm still trying to get myself to be okay with. Although I have no idea if this period of my life will have anything to do with my future, but overcoming difficulties and failures are what future aspiring entrepreneurs have to learn to master.

For the past 6 months of my life, I often find that I completely zone out because I was just so bummed at my situation at this young age. I was desperately trying to find the "once and for all solution" out of this miserable state of sorrow where life isn't appetising to me any more. While explaining the depressing state of blockage I was in to a friend, I had to use some kind of a metaphor that only my frustrated heart knew how to express it.

Me: 

"Listen, I don't know if this explanation is going to make any sense to you, but it's important to me and I hope you'll listen." 

She:
"It's okay I'll listen. Go ahead. Tell me."

Me:
"Okay. I'm holding two beakers in my hand, one on my left (L) and one on my right (R).  Beaker L is very full and Beaker R is almost drying up. The volume of liquid signifies the amount of energy and mental attention I currently harbour for each beaker."

"Beaker L represents my gay side, my unfulfilled closure with homosexuality, while Beaker R represents my motivation to live, along with everything else that make up my life: family, friendships, well-being, professional career, studies etc."

She: [listening]

Me:
"This is where I feel so trapped." 
"Trapped in a scenario whereby I'm completely overtaken and weighed down by all the mental energy and 'fullness' that is concentrated on trying to solve the unhappiness at Beaker L. And because of this, I don't have the heart nor the will to focus on Beaker R that is drying up."

"I can't let go of the fact that Beaker L, my gay side, makes me feel very unfulfilled. And until I could experience some sort of affirmation or positive experiences from being gay,  I'm finding it very hard to move on in other aspects of my life." 

"I think... It's the severe insecurity of not knowing whether I will be gay and okay that is driving me crazy. I feel like I'm waiting for a closure that's never going to come."

She: [pondering...]

She:

"Okay. Here's my input. I think your stubborn self is so focused entirely on finding a way to 'rectify' the unfulfilled situation of Beaker L that it's taking a toll on the other parts of your life and drowning you to the point of hopelessness."

"I think what we need to do now is take your mind off Beaker L, which is the unfulfilled gay side of yourself, by gradually shifting your focus to Beaker R, that is your motivation in life. In other words, we'll have to tip some of the water from the left beaker (Beaker L) into the right (Beaker R)." 

Me:

"I have no idea how I'm going to do that. Like I said before, my stubborn self  has no will and motivation to do anything to Beaker R when Beaker L is the one I'm so bummed about." 

She:

"We need to find something positive from within Beaker R and start focusing on it. This could literally be anything, ranging from learning a new skill to enjoying some volunteer work. The most important part is that it has to be something 'meaningfully enjoyable' that makes you tick in excitement and positivity while you sulk over Beaker L."

"Once we've made our choice from Beaker R, we wouldn't have any difficulties doing them because the chosen focus happens to be something enjoyably positive and exciting. The mind will never say no to something that brings it pleasure. And when it doesn't, you've successfully tricked your mind into shifting some of the focus from Beaker L into Beaker R, hereby initiating a transfer of fluids."

"Gradually, when the mind starts obsessing less about your unfulfilled gay side and starts to focus more on the chosen positive element, your attention starts to shift whereby the contents of Beaker L gets tipped into Beaker R, causing a change of focal weight and restoring some equilibrium into your life. This also effectively gives you time to reinstate some sense of much needed self-confidence and peace within yourself." 

"And M, I strongly believe that the avenue of fulfilment for your gay side will naturally show itself sooner or later to you. And until it does, you'll just have to keep living. Don't let it spoil your appetite for everything else in life."

I woke up the next morning, feeling as if somebody help untangled a suffocating knot in me and opened up a small window in my heart.