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Wednesday, 16 January 2013

When a Straight Crush Makes a Gay Announcement

About 2 weeks ago, I saw an unexpected status on my Facebook news feed. It concerns A, the senior I had a major crush on during my first year at university. Even though it's been 2 years, but until this very day, I couldn't quite fathom my attraction for him. A was the star student of his year, and a highly revered creative thinker in his class. Tall, stylish, brown hair, attractive jaw, nice facial features and a competent mind.

I remember how much I idolised him when he first came into my vision through a transparent window of a door. The first time we talked was when I approached him at his table for some academic input, obviously not without first complimenting the amazing drawing that was on his desk. Unexpectedly after a couple of exchanges, he walked me to another part of the building and showed me his work from the last semester that was still proudly on display. I relished not so much on his work, but rather the private moment we were sharing in the room.

The term finally started and every student within the faculty has their own working space, separated in areas known as bays. My bay happened to be the one behind his and I deliberately chose the table where I could have a good view of him. From then on, I took every excuse to go talk to him. Even if it's just to shoot the breeze or "borrow some of his working tools". After a while, it started occurring to me that he was impervious to my presence and I was gradually becoming a stalker.

My infatuation with him grew enormously, and for the next couple of months, it was driving me crazy on the inside. I've already plunged into denial about being gay, but yet I knew I felt strong emotions for this guy. He makes me nervous and he makes my heart torque in an exciting way. Once, I remember being completely lost in a gaze looking at him, until his eyes caught me staring surreptitiously and asked: "What?". I was startled! "Nothing" I replied and snapped myself out of it in embarrassment.

I constantly made out and indulged in a lot of things with him in my head. How I had to control myself from revealing any lascivious thoughts, such as wanting to kiss those male model scarlet lips, nip his earlobes, suck on his smooth scented neck and pleasure him for real with my mouth while I run my fingers all over his hair. Although he has a girlfriend, but my instincts kept telling me that there was a possibility that he could pass off as someone who wasn't a hundred percent completely straight.

One rainy day, he walked in with a stylish umbrella in hand, wearing a black trench coat while his other hand kept adjusting his dripping wet tousled brown hair. It was an attractive sight and I thought to myself: "Hey A, what's up? You look so... wet. Deliciously wet.". I couldn't stop smirking at my own pathetic silliness and pictured a shower with him, even though my eyes were on my blank desk.

By mid-semester, I was silently depressed and found it a bit hard to concentrate on my studies. There were days where I would cry by myself because I felt so hurt and confused. I couldn't tell anyone about this consuming crush I had towards a guy, but yet I kept it all inside and it was killing me day by day. It came to a point whereby my emotions were too much and I could no longer handle the physical sight of him. In order to avoid everything that was happening, I decided to stay off campus and work from home.

My plan was successful but only for a few weeks before I happened to be at the faculty one day for a presentation, and he came through the doors wearing a dashing shirt that made him looked even more irresistible. I felt my heart lunged forward and dropped 10 stories back into depression. It hurt, although I couldn't understand why it did. I just felt so hot and lost for him.

Then a classmate of mine hosted a dinner party one night and A was invited. While I was helping out with the dessert, he approached me and leaned over the kitchen counter. We shared a moment of eye-contact and it felt great that he came to acknowledge me. I could feel his arousing vibe and smell his breath throughout our casual conversational exchange. God, it was his scent and it was intoxicating. It wasn't until he finally graduated and moved away that I managed to completely bury my crush for him. Though it took a couple of months.

The year is now 2013 and his newest announcement seemed more likely to be a coming-out statement than a lousy joke. It urged people not to talk to him any more if they weren't okay with him liking men. Damn, I hate coming-out statuses on Facebook because you never know if you can officially take the person seriously. But still, I couldn't believe my eyes. I had to stop myself from replaying all that I've felt for him throughout university, along with the possibility of us finally getting into each other's pants, sharing an apartment with a couple's bed, in my head.

Although I can't seem to figure out if he's teasing or being serious in his homosexual confession, but I'm realistic enough to know that even if he's open to relationships with men, I don't think I'll ever stand a chance of being considered because he's just way above my league in every department. We come from completely different worlds.

5 comments:

  1. Dude, never discredit yourself without even giving something a shot. Message him on Facebook or send him a text (once it's completely verified he did come out of course), that you've got his back and will always be there for him. Then, grab some coffee or something and see where things go. It may take time for whatever happens to develop, but hey, if it's worth fighting for, put your all into it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, thanks man! Really appreciating it.

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  2. wow - you're a really great writer! more stories like these!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey man, thanks! Hope you enjoyed it.

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