I've recently been paying attention to my own personal jerk-off sessions and thought I might jot down some interesting thoughts that have never before crossed my conscious mind. This certainly brings back memories of the severe sexual frustration about 6 months ago. Masturbation is a natural human behaviour no stranger to anyone. Usually administered to induce a sense of relief and pleasure for the body, and whenever I do, I usually have a chosen target in mind.
For example when I did it for a couple of times last week, the sexual fantasies that were on my mind were specific male models, actors or virile men with particular physical attributes that I find arousing. I would name this "Group A" and jerk-off sessions with them were usually great, satisfactory in fact.
However, when I indulged myself on several other horny occasions such as yesterday evening, my targets distinctly belonged to a category of guys that I've met in real life and could fall crazily in love with. They are individuals I've harboured profound crushes on and developed irrational feelings for that I've come to regard as "Group B", such as him, him or him. During instances like these, "Group A" just wouldn't work for me at all.
Within jerk-off sessions concerning the latter group, I focus primarily if not entirely on just the interaction and chemistry rather than the imaginative full-blown main course itself. I imagine lying and being intimate with them all day, smelling them, embracing them, touching their skin, caressing their stubbles, sucking their lower lip and making out with them forever. Those thoughts were enough to float me into satisfactory euphoria, a state of fulfilment I don't normally find during the resolution phase after masturbating to "Group A".
Being the observant person that I am, I started analysing this behaviour of mine and the differing emotional outcomes the latter group gave over the other. I finally realised that sometimes, plain jerking-off to "Group A" just wouldn't cut it. I seem to rely exclusively on "Group B" whenever I'm flooded with this intense feel of absolute longing I have no idea how to explain. This, longing for warmth in my heart, longing for attentive affection, longing to feel less alone. Longing for a certain love and romance that was never present throughout my life to fill me up a little bit. And the guys that came into contact with my life in "Group B", certainly reminded me very much of those overwhelming emotions they excavate out of me.
Once again, I am fully aware of how personal and foolish this post will make me, but I'm just being honest in documenting an experience from my shoes. I once read that gay men in general are capable of sequestering their indulgence in sexual pleasures away from their search for love and emotional attachment. I have yet to figure this part out and certainly can't wait to see how things will turn out at my end.