I came across a scene from a gay movie where two gay guys were sharing a conversation in an outdoor jacuzzi. One was a complete hot stud who was living the dream gay life of sleeping around promiscuously, while the other was a simple average looking twink who believed strongly in monogamous relationships.
They were talking about insecurities and the twink told the hot guy that he felt really insecure because he didn't look like him. In which the hot stud replied: "Hey, we've all got shit that we're insecure about."
Twink:
"What do you have to be insecure about?"
Hot Stud:
"I'm insecure that I spend so much time getting laid that I pass up on a good opportunity when something meaningful comes my way. I'm insecure that I can't commit to a relationship ever, and when I finally do, most of the sex for me gets boring and I won't have enough to offer."
The two characters from that particular scene, were the exact representation of what I've been trying to figure out ever since I started learning more about gay life. That amongst us, there are the extreme hot guys whom are physically blessed, and the guys whom might not be as physically innately privileged as the former.
It depicts many questions that I ponder incessantly about where I stand, such as the journey and fate of the hotter guy in comparison to the average dude, the respectability of monogamy versus the liberal excitement of promiscuity.
For the past year, a handful of my posts were mostly very worked up because... I guess I was still kind of in a period of shock trying to digest the truth in my life. Crestfallen, that my fear of being gay eventually turned out to be real, and I have to courageously take it all in.
As a gay novice, I don't have a concrete clue as to what I'm supposed to want out of this gay life. I thought about having someone, giving monogamy or an open-relationship a try. But theoretical ideas could also end or turn out in so many other ways. I thought about sleeping around for the experience, but realised I'm probably not in the position, or equipped with the right physical goods to do so. Which one comes first, or rather which route guarantees contentment that is the easy way out?
I then recently read the entire archives of Butterflies and Hurricanes, whom in his blog, documented the earlier decade of his life as a monogamous loyal boyfriend, and also later in his life, as a promiscuous hot guy who enjoys having fun sleeping around. Reading his story gave me an epiphany, one which was equivalent to when I first discovered The Gay Banker's blog.
The whole thing made me realised that my naive idea of an easy way out, or "guaranteed contentment", does not exist. Because there's always two sides to a coin in life, whereby the pros and cons that are present in one approach, are completely different or perhaps absent from the other. Just like the hot stud from the movie, it seems like when Jackdaw of Butterflies and Hurricanes is having a whale of a time sleeping around, he misses and yearns for the sentimental things that come from being in a monogamous relationship as well.
This makes me wonder, do we always perceive the grass to be greener from the other side? Do we always want what we don't have, or do we always just want it all?
UPDATED: 10th January 2013
Here's an interestingly helpful input from TwoLives, extracted from the comments section of this post.
Although this is not what I did, I think it's smarter to be slutty than monogamous when you're young - provided that you're extremely strict about safety.
Pop culture bombards us with stories about young love and living happily ever. That causes many of us strive for a perfect relationship early in life. The reality, however, is that people are complicated and enduring relationships require a lot of work and compromise. Even if you think you're up to the task, that doesn't mean the guy you want to be with is.
On the other hand, a little craziness in your 20s followed by a "settling down" phase afterward strikes a good balance. By intimately interacting with a variety of others you learn a lot about yourself and you learn how to handle potential partners. You build a relationship skill set, even if you're not in a full-time, serious relationship.
Many men who commit to a monogamous relationship early in life get very restless as they age. One of the biggest causes of mid-life crises is the desire to live as the crazy young person one never got to be.
About sex...unless a young guy is VERY unattractive, he should never worry about being desired. Within the gay community especially, youth eclipses all other imperfections. While it's true that an average looking 22 year old might never have the chance to have sex with the hottest guy his own age, there are plenty of 28, 32, 36, etc, etc, year old guys who are very attractive who would gladly spend a night with a younger guy. So, don't count yourself out, no matter what you imagine your short-comings to be. Also - "gettin' good at sex" is like anything else: the more you practice, the better you get.
I then recently read the entire archives of Butterflies and Hurricanes, whom in his blog, documented the earlier decade of his life as a monogamous loyal boyfriend, and also later in his life, as a promiscuous hot guy who enjoys having fun sleeping around. Reading his story gave me an epiphany, one which was equivalent to when I first discovered The Gay Banker's blog.
The whole thing made me realised that my naive idea of an easy way out, or "guaranteed contentment", does not exist. Because there's always two sides to a coin in life, whereby the pros and cons that are present in one approach, are completely different or perhaps absent from the other. Just like the hot stud from the movie, it seems like when Jackdaw of Butterflies and Hurricanes is having a whale of a time sleeping around, he misses and yearns for the sentimental things that come from being in a monogamous relationship as well.
This makes me wonder, do we always perceive the grass to be greener from the other side? Do we always want what we don't have, or do we always just want it all?
UPDATED: 10th January 2013
Here's an interestingly helpful input from TwoLives, extracted from the comments section of this post.
Although this is not what I did, I think it's smarter to be slutty than monogamous when you're young - provided that you're extremely strict about safety.
Pop culture bombards us with stories about young love and living happily ever. That causes many of us strive for a perfect relationship early in life. The reality, however, is that people are complicated and enduring relationships require a lot of work and compromise. Even if you think you're up to the task, that doesn't mean the guy you want to be with is.
On the other hand, a little craziness in your 20s followed by a "settling down" phase afterward strikes a good balance. By intimately interacting with a variety of others you learn a lot about yourself and you learn how to handle potential partners. You build a relationship skill set, even if you're not in a full-time, serious relationship.
Many men who commit to a monogamous relationship early in life get very restless as they age. One of the biggest causes of mid-life crises is the desire to live as the crazy young person one never got to be.
About sex...unless a young guy is VERY unattractive, he should never worry about being desired. Within the gay community especially, youth eclipses all other imperfections. While it's true that an average looking 22 year old might never have the chance to have sex with the hottest guy his own age, there are plenty of 28, 32, 36, etc, etc, year old guys who are very attractive who would gladly spend a night with a younger guy. So, don't count yourself out, no matter what you imagine your short-comings to be. Also - "gettin' good at sex" is like anything else: the more you practice, the better you get.
Although this is not what I did, I think it's smarter to be slutty than monogamous when you're young - provided that you're extremely strict about safety.
ReplyDeletePop culture bombards us with stories about young love and living happily ever. That causes many of us strive for a perfect relationship early in life. The reality, however, is that people are complicated and enduring relationships require a lot of work and compromise. Even if you think you're up to the task, that doesn't mean the guy you want to be with is.
On the other hand, a little craziness in your 20s followed by a "settling down" phase afterward strikes a good balance. By intimately interacting with a variety of others you learn a lot about yourself and you learn how to handle potential partners. You build a relationship skill set, even if you're not in a full-time, serious relationship.
Many men who commit to a monogamous relationship early in life get very restless as they age. One of the biggest causes of mid-life crises is the desire to live as the crazy young person one never got to be.
About sex...unless a young guy is VERY unattractive, he should never worry about being desired. Within the gay community especially, youth eclipses all other imperfections. While it's true that an average looking 22 year old might never have the chance to have sex with the hottest guy his own age, there are plenty of 28, 32, 36, etc, etc, year old guys who are very attractive who would gladly spend a night with a younger guy. So, don't count yourself out, no matter what you imagine your short-comings to be. Also - "gettin' good at sex" is like anything else: the more you practice, the better you get.
BTW, are you an INTJ? You definitely think like one. Lots of bloggers are, myself included.
Hey, great observation! Close, but I actually belong to the rarest type, the one found only within 1-3% of the population.
DeleteAnyway, thank you so much for the intelligent input. I think everything you just mentioned above definitely makes a lot of sense. The sex, the age, the lifestyle... I'm going to include it as an epilogue to this post because I genuinely think it'll help work out some thoughts. What do you think?