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Thursday, 11 April 2013

Thoughts While On a Drive Home

A couple of days ago in an elevator, I was standing right next to Hot Alpha Male Guy from my office whom I believe could play a hot Marvel Comics superhero. I tried so hard to stop myself from molesting every inch of him with my eyes, but I couldn't. "Dude I swear. One day, we'll fuck cause you're mine!", goes my inner Mafia voice. My body was just completely frozen to every single thing that he stands for, his scent, his masculinity, him. My boyfriend.

Don't think it's necessary to walk the public this time through the usual things I had to do in order to sort myself out after, but his effect on me that afternoon, made me wonder if this was what my life has become and if this was what my life has grown to be about over the recent years?

Today in the car, I expressed my thoughts and feelings to my younger brother who was driving us home. I told him what happened with me throughout the day and said...

Me:
"I have something I need to confess. Do you remember while having lunch on Saturday and you were ogling at two girls who were seated at a nearby table?"

He: [laughs]
"Yeah! And then I tried justifying that it's normal to feel like a wolf when you're single." 

Me: [chuckle]
"Yeah!" 
"To be honest, at that moment I couldn't quite understand why were you ogling over regular-looking girls because that just didn't make sense. And then it hit me that what you just did, was an emotion that is so foreign to myself because I have never been able to experience that kind of burning desire for them (girls)." 

"I compared my x-rated fantasy for Hot Alpha Male Guy and wondered deep down about what it would feel like to be normal and lusting after straight girls? You know, like you."

He:
"We're both different! It's not wrong to be gay."

Me:
"I know..." 
"Kinda makes me think about the days in school where my friends would just go on and on about hot girls and chicks, and all I could do was play straight because I was in denial or whatever it is that you wanna call it. Then came the gay jokes and how people were just mocking any form of closeness between two males. That was when I truly realised that I was silently in trouble for feeling more and lusting for guys than any other regular boy should."

He:
"Yeah, that was then."

Me:
"Yeah I know. But it's okay, I'm just expressing myself to you because we're in the car. These are just mere thoughts and wanderings of the mind. Right now, I'm just glad that I've finally got it all better worked out."

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