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Sunday, 28 April 2013

The Desperate Chase During My Weekends

It's drizzling here on a Sunday night and I am about to go to bed to wake up to another week in which I am not even sure leads to where I'm supposed to go. So before today ends, I am going to write about what I've been putting myself through for the past weekends.

I think I'm at a phase where I spend a ridiculous amount of time cruising guys through gay mobile apps. I am literally on it all the time! Either I delude myself to believe in diligent fishing, never giving up hope, never closing the medium to which possibilities may come, or I am in reality just a plain desperate soul craving to experience emotional excitement.

Maybe because I've recently been feeling so mundane with my daily routine of going to work and then going home to my family that I felt the need to refuel myself with the determination of 2011 & 2012 in trying to develop more gay experiences outside of my comfort zone.

As Friday approached, I cruised long and hard. I was supposed to meet up with an American expatriate I've been WhatsApp-ing for weeks now. However, due to some misunderstanding, bad communication or bad timing, he was just being difficult and we couldn't reach a compromise. 

From my side the key words went something like: 
"Let me know if your plans are cancelled or if you can make it. - I'm sorry for the miscommunication. - Rain check if you're busy. No worries. - I'll still be here till 12.30am if you change your mind."

And from his side it went something like:
"I thought we were supposed to? - Bye then. - You're odd. - You mentioned rain check 4 times. - It seems as if that's what you want. - Forget about it. Bye."

Even though I was in the company of a close friend throughout the whole night, I told myself to forget about him and let it go. It's not worth it and it wouldn't help if I just kept forcing things that are beyond my control. Was he being a princess? Was it him or was it me? Why the hell does it take so much effort just to arrange a meeting?

Because my Friday night plans failed, I spent the whole Saturday afternoon, evening, night and midnight effortlessly chatting guys up, hoping to land at least one meet-up or foreplay fun if not the real thing. I sent out messages everywhere, like how a jobless person for 5 years would with his résumé.

I invited the same close friend to hang out together while I continued fishing over coffee because to a certain extend, I am feeling very tired of being stagnant. Truth is I'm not willing to just grab any guy, but then again I reek of desperation as I try to adjust my minimal standard. It's very unattractive and pathetic I know.

One memorable candidate on Grindr even asked for my face picture and immediately told me he needed to go to bed after I gave it to him because "it's late". Wow. 

I went to bed that night at 3.30am, thinking how many more Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays will I be grooming myself to look good, wearing fresh Calvin Klein underwear, brush my teeth, spraying all that cologne and putting quality condoms in my pocket just to march home again, telling myself as I sigh: "Oh well..."

After two disappointing days, I was just so drained by the fact that I was getting no where and that the online cruising world is such a shitty place. At moments like these, I truly realised how much I appreciate J and the Elder Irishman for everything that they are and have been to me. Really, from the bottom of my heart I feel grateful.

I then finally got in touch with 2 guys I've been texting for weeks now. One is not necessarily good-looking, but he's athletically fit in his late 30s or early 40s. As usual, I was pushing very hard for a sex date with him. But somehow there was just not enough momentum from both parties and nothing positive materialised. I know that although my aim was to have sex with this guy, but something in me told me that I was more interested in meeting the other guy I've been texting called E.

When the sex date arrangements failed, I reprimanded myself in my head: "Jesus M, what is this? What are you doing? You spent the entire weekend, running around the city like a crazy person, trying to look for what? Affection? Sexual experience? Validation? All for what? Just so that you know how it finally feels to catch up on those closeted years and put them all behind you?"

I pondered to myself: "Is it really me or am I just looking in the wrong pool? Well then what the fuck is wrong with all the gay guys in this country? They're just unworthy." Finally, after much craziness and all that train wreck on my part, plans to meet up with E fell through, in which I'll do a recount in the next post.

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