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Monday, 6 May 2013

Is it Fair to "Cure" Homosexuality?

I've previously mentioned that even though I don't come from a Christian background, I am not somebody who isn't open to other belief systems apart from my own. Mom recently opened up to her ex-professional mentor about her children because it's been a while since they shared a meeting. Her mentor is a very strong Christian and as part of his exchange with Mom, he voiced out as a matter of fact about his concern on how homosexuality is not innate, but rather the belief of his teachings that it's the work of external spirits to have affected one's journey in life.

While having lunch, Mom told me everything she and her mentor shared. Particularly about the sacrament of Deliverance in which can only be administered if one truly believes that the cleansing of oneself will work by committing yourself entirely to Jesus Christ. I remained silent throughout listening because all I could think of was how I'm already halfway through accepting this part of myself that has been plaguing me for life. And now I have, for the lack of a better sentence, been given something as such to consider.

She: [observing]
"What's going through your mind? You seem so quiet."

Me:
"Nothing, I'm just... " 
"Well okay. Why are you telling me this all of a sudden today?"

She:
"Oh no. I'm just merely sharing the conversation I had with him yesterday. I don't mean anything. You're an adult, I can't tell you what or how to think."

Me: [silent]

Me:
"Okay before I speak out. Let's ask brother what he thinks." 

Me: [turning to my brother]
"What do you think? I'd like to have your input on this."

Brother:
"If you ask me what I think, I think that... ever since you came out to us last year, plunged into depression and everything, I actually think it's not that simple. Because, I saw what you really went through and I think this whole gay thing, is not something as simple as how the mentor just put it to be. It's very much more complicated than that!"

Me:
"I actually would like to know what you think Mom. You've been sharing everything but you didn't mention anything about your thoughts or how you feel about this. So what are your honest thoughts? Don't worry about my thinking because be rest assured that I am a stubborn person who has a mind of my own."

She:
"I just thought that maybe there might be no harm in giving it (Deliverance) a try. Being a mother who witnessed the pain and everything that you've put yourself through for being different, it hurts all of us. So as an eternal care-taker, you must understand me as somebody who will never give up on hope and the possibility of making things right." 

Brother:
"But look Mom, if it really is the work of 'spirits' as how they say it is, then M wouldn't have still been himself all this while! You wouldn't still be you if you know what I mean."

Me: [laughs]
"Wow that's a very logical argument. I certainly didn't think of it from that aspect."

She:
"Don't get me wrong. I am not asking you to 'do something'. I just think that maybe it wouldn't hurt to try it out. The worse that could happen is that things will still remain the same, although at least we could say that we've tried something." 

"But in any case, this sacrament would require you to fully embrace and accept Jesus Christ. We can't go ahead if you don't believe in it. He said that you gotta believe in it in order for it to work."

Brother:
"But look, if he tries it out, and it doesn't work, he's gonna feel even worse about this whole thing. He's going to feel horrible about putting himself through this again. It's actually not fair."

Me:
"Okay. Wanna know what I think?" 

"I feel kinda sad because... yesterday I remember thinking in consolation to myself in that I'm getting better at accepting things for what they are, and what has come to be that I am. But now, with you telling me these things a day after I felt a moment of peace? It feels like such a mean game from the upper level world."

"And I certainly don't believe in heating up conversations for the sake of it, but my burning question to you is uhm... What makes you think that I will now allow Christianity to solve a problem I've been praying to for years that OUR higher power cannot solve?" 

"Are we saying now, that what we've held sacred for so long throughout the past, is not divine enough?"

She:
"Yes, I did think about it in a way that you've just so accurately verbalised cause it makes sense. But then, I am also an exhausted soul who's loyal faith in recent years, have been shaken up that I start doubting the sacred figure that has been with me throughout life. I too am just human, trying to consider other options of finding solace. Maybe something will work out?"

Me:
"Then how come straight people don't have to be 'exorcised or cleansed off' these so called external spirits?"

She:
"Because they're normal! They don't have to! There's nothing wrong with being straight."

Me:
"Ah-hah! There!"

Although externally I was calm, but at that point my heart torqued so hard in tears beyond recognition on the inside because it was an unfair statement that came from somebody who has walked with me through my struggle.

Me:
"How can you say that? They're normal, they don't have to, there's nothing wrong with them. If you must go with that kind of thinking then I really have no realistic grounds on which to argue any more because people will never get it."

She: [thinking]

Me:
"Sometimes it's so weird to think that despite religion claiming to command the highest divine power in the world, but yet when it comes to real world issues and earth grounding problems such as homosexuality, they can't seem to solve it." 

"And so, it is at moments like these that I question the legitimacy of spiritual beliefs that are in existence today. I'm at a point in life whereby if you put me in shark infested waters, I just wouldn't know who or which God to call out to." 

"For the past 20 years, I've lived my life believing in a higher power. And that... if my heart is pure, I will be seen and will go on to triumph life in my own way. But now, everything around me just seems to be happening in a way to show me that real life is really not how our upbringing, our religion, our beliefs and our moralities seem to romanticise it to be."

"So therefore at this moment, I'll have to say that what we're hearing today does kinda sound ridiculous."

Brother:
"I think the same."

Me:
"Because I am real! What I go through in life and perceive in this human form is real. And so, for somebody who is living in the reality of the shoes, the circumstances and the experience that came with being different, I really can't help but truly wonder at this point, if it is genuinely so easy for the priest, pastor or whomever that is not burdened with this problem, to say Deliverance is, homosexuality is, people should or people is... "

"Because like I've said so many times before and will say it again, outsiders never have to know what it feels like to carry this with them through life. They go to sleep tonight, and will never have to wake up to a tomorrow that contradicts them." 

3 comments:

  1. When I read your posts like this, I can't help but feel, and I may have said this before, that you over think being gay.

    You are not weird, you are not normal. You are just gay. The fact that you love and have sex with men, should not define you. You give it far too much power.

    Just relax and stick your dick in some guys. It's not that important.

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  2. I think that Jesus was a wonderfully evolved soul who would have accepted you just as you are. I know that there are those who would disagree with me, but the King James Bible is a heavily edited book, and is not even correctly interpreted by many theologians.
    People are people. As long as no-one is getting hurt, what's the problem?
    I think it is a little more complicated than just sticking your dick in some guys, though. The casual sex gets to feeling pretty hollow, at least if you're anything like me. I never could go that route. For me to be with someone sexually, I have to have feelings for them. Hence why I've been hurt so much, perhaps.
    Emotional involvement is never simple, but I do think that one's sexual orientation is really pretty simple. We're born with it.
    It may seem a trite little saying, but I agree with it. Born gay, follow the ray. Born straight, refuse to hate. I wish more people would go with it.
    I was raised Catholic myself, and my family was rather homophobic. It was fortunate in a sense that I was born straight, because I'm quite sure that they would have tried to cure me. I already had enough mental issues, being bipolar. I may have ended up dead if I'd had being the target of homophobia added to my load.

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