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Wednesday, 29 May 2013

It's Almost The End Of May

My absence from spilling out my thoughts for the past few weeks gave me the impression that maybe I am contented and slowly seceding independently from this white space of mine. But here I am again.

I've always wondered when I will stop writing Gay & Invisible, for the day that this comes to an end, could probably mean that I have found other commitments and happiness to concentrate on building the life I want. Will I still be writing this come 35, or will I be a happily successful gay man with a loving partner and a life in which I am at peace with?

A good-looking friend of mine from the city of beautiful people, came to stay with me and my family for a couple of days last week on his way around the region. I didn't plan to play host but sometimes, things just fall into your lap for a reason.

Driving him around and spending the entire long weekend with him re-awakened a part of myself that I've missed. The part that is uncluttered and free, the part that travels and sees the world, the part that discovers people. I forgot what it's like not to be in this country and also not to be tied with having an unfulfilled life and a job here.

We are a reflection of each other in many ways, and being with him brought back memories of my life abroad. I remember everything from my stay in his city, to my entire journey since I chose to leave home in 2009. Freedom, boyfriend, a forward-thinking society is what I'm assuming is still somewhere out there for me.

He's straight and revealed to me just last week that he knew all along ever since we first met in 2009, that I wasn't heterosexual. I didn't plan on telling him but this revelation has definitely made us closer because he showed me how understanding he is of my situation.

I am not a fan of goodbyes but after seeing him off at the train station with his backpack, I felt so empty. He reminds me so much of the city I used to live in and also the exciting world that he is discovering out there. Being with him certainly brought on the inevitable bond where I start to develop the feel of attachment to another guy, even though he's straight.

Before he left, he mentioned something in the car that hit me. "M, we are the same. You are like me. We are very similar in many ways. We will never know what we want. But don't be afraid to be who we are and also to be different. Who says people can decide how we want or should live our lives. Fuck them."

I finally returned to work today after having taken a day off to rest. Physically I might have dragged my body to the office, however mentally and spiritually, I was just not at my place and completely lost the mood to work. 

I felt depressed and tried to understand why. Maybe because his presence suddenly broke the cycle of my mundane routine and brought a sense of change? Maybe he made me realise that what I'm doing now, the life that I'm currently living in is genuinely not what I want?


  1. Maybe you won't feel the need to write, when you don't feel so invisible.

    There is nothing more pleasing and invoking of melancholy than finding something which makes you happy or content but not being fully able to grasp it.

  2. I can relate to what your going through, Writing often helps me in particular build a fantasy world around myself, I blogged for two years starting of with real life stories and moved on to writing fiction I just found that more exciting than the life of a scared closet guy. Then i just stopped just over two years ago. I have hardly wrote anything since, and now I want to write again, maybe you will be like me, come and go, any kind of writing no matter the subject, can fill time but more importantly take you away from the realities of everyday life, Well it does for me anyway. Only you will know when the time to stop comes, bt if you are anything like me you will be back. But in the meantime we will follow and enjoy your posts. Teddy

    1. Well I hope you will find the inspiration to write again because I think it helps us to move on in many ways.

      And thank you so much for the kind support.