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Tuesday, 8 October 2013

A Drink With Tall and Dark Engineer

2 weeks ago out of spontaneity, I finally agreed to a drink with this tall and dark guy who has been trying to get us to meet. I first saw him on Jack'd and have since kept each other's phone number on another chat feature.

Mentally I wasn't very confident about meeting new guys any more because I felt that my life as a twenty-something was still not in order. I don't have a stable career, I'm still on antidepressants, I don't love myself completely, I'm not financially independent and I'm still lost etc. And then I thought, burying myself in my hole is not going to change anything and I should just go out there and meet more guys regardless. 

So I arrived, fresh from a shower and he in his work clothes. Yum! He was amazingly tall and dark with a well-built body. When he sat down, he asked me how old I am and I reciprocated the question with wit as I locked all of my worries and issues behind my openly charming façade.

He is 15 years my senior and an engineer by profession in a well-known company. Perhaps due to years of career success, he exudes a very down-to-earth and firm vibe. A very practical guy I would say in terms of how he's taking care of himself in life. I was very much in envy and also in inferior

I particularly enjoyed the part where we talked about our past journeys and how him and I came to be sitting with each other that day in public as two gay men. We talked about lots of things and had honest exchanges even though I was careful of how much I opened up.

He told me he was paranoid throughout his twenties about "the whole gay package" and so only began to fool around homosexually right around 5 years ago. He is extremely athletic and at the same time, maintains a very closeted life. I can sense that he still does have issues with homophobia. Nobody in his immediate or straight circle knows about his sexuality and he plans for it to stay that way for eternity, despite external pressure from family members and friends to get married.

The other thing that I found obvious was that he kept mentioning how scared he is of lethal STD that the hairs on my skin could literally pick up on his fear in terms of energetic vibe. In one sentence, he used the word disease so many times that I wanted to tell him to stop saying it because the key word in his sentences is "diseases" and if he continues to use it, he will be placing unconscious orders via the Law of Attraction and will attract exactly the thing he didn't want to him.

I asked him if he was ever afraid of being lonely, especially for an older guy like him who chose to come out of his shell so late? He said: "You can be in a marriage and still be lonely. You can be in a relationship and still feel alone. So why burden yourself with that kind of thoughts when you should just live your life happily as you are? My principle is that one shouldn't think too much or over think things. Just stay healthy and be happy. That's the most important thing in life."

Wow I've never thought of it that way. I was impressed by the way he answered that naive question of mine with such truth and depth. That's a good line I'll be remembering for a long time. Then, the attention shifted towards me as he dwell deeper into my life.
"So why are you still single?", he asked as he smiled. Yeah. That's a good question M. Why are you still single? You ready to tell him your shit?, my inner voice teases.

"I don't know... I guess I'm somebody who doesn't jump into a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. You know, that's very common nowadays among the younger guys who are coming-out and stuff. They get extremely excited about love and having a boyfriend to be with. I'm not saying its not good, I want people who want that for themselves, then that's what they should have." 

"For me I suppose I should be excited as well but I guess I haven't really met the right person to want to be in a relationship with. I mean it's fairly easy to just pick someone without having to go through the maturing process and then by tomorrow afternoon I'll be attached with a boyfriend you don't even know if you are genuinely in love with."

"I don't know whether to call myself realistic or unrealistic. But anyway, I'm a guy who knows what want and how I am willing to love back. So I hope to one day meet that guy who happens to want both of us in his life."

I asked him the same question and he told me he is not somebody who sits around thinking about relationships because to him, other parts of his life are more important and that if the right click comes along, it comes along. Otherwise he's pretty much very happy with his life. At that point, I admired how mentally firm he is and can't help but wonder if his practical way of thinking if applied to myself can lead to better happiness.

In fact, he's already thinking of buying another apartment on top of his current house. To top everything off, he has been granted permanent resident status to immigrate to one of the happiest countries in the world within the next few years.

He asked about my educational qualifications and about my job. He's obviously not the first person in the world to give me a certain kind of stare when they learnt that I'm not pursuing what I studied and that I currently don't have a stable career which I'm trying to figure out when I'm not beating myself up on the inside.

He started giving me some hard-hitting advice as a practical grown man living in the 21st century. At that point, there are two ways in which I can digest his input. "Fuck off what does he know about my life!" or, there is some underlying truth in his words to a young guy like me. He gave a very nice approach to his advice even though I was feeling kinda sensitive and small.

When I look at him, I know exactly what he was talking about. He is speaking from the shoes of a financially well-off guy with a successful career. Although closeted but living a very happy life free of impractical concerns and worries. As I look at him, I wondered if I will ever be okay. Will I be as successful at his age or will I be the person who didn't achieve his dreams?

Ever since I started documenting my thoughts here, I've always felt like I was throwing my life away. Sitting there and listening to him made me feel even more like I'm really throwing my life away. Gay guys and their amazingly successful careers are what makes them attractively successful and fundamentally able to build a life for themselves where they are well taken of.

As I got to thinking about my own life, I realised how it worries the fuck out of me every single day when I wake up. I'm already in my mid-twenties, but every aspect of it, professionally, sexually, romantically, physically, emotionally, financially, mentally is either fractured or doesn't seem to take on the direction for the better. This is where I've lost my confidence to live my life.

As the evening concluded, he conveniently paid for my drink before I could beat him to it and we bade each other goodbye. When I reached home, I got a text from him asking what I thought of the meet up. I smiled and said all the right things. He couldn't agree more himself and I hear myself say: "You're okay M. You're okay."

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