What's All that Depression Fuss About?

Thought I'd write a little bit about how I'm doing. About 2 months back, I made the decision to stop my intake of antidepressants because I felt like I should start being mentally independent without having to rely on them. The fact that I was distracted with a working life of Mondays to Fridays, sometimes even over the weekends, my true feelings and state of being were temporarily no longer my priority.

But for the past 2 weeks, my boat has been rocking turbulently, putting me on an emotional yo-yo. I could be so firm, so in control  and so okay with my life one minute, but so tumultuous, negative and sad the next. Two nights ago, I was in such ridiculous shape I didn't know how to handle my emotions or compose myself. I was heavily affected by the smallest of harmless thoughts such as uncertainty of the future or moving away from home.

I have no idea where this is all suddenly coming from, but at this stage I will probably resume my intake of medication again and re-consult the doctor who first gave it to me. What I'm worried of is if I will ever be free of it soon to live an independent life for myself. Heck I don't even know what this pattern of emotional behaviour is about but it's affecting me.

While on the subject of emotional well-being, I recently discovered a couple of blogs out there of other depressed souls who turned to writing. What I read sounded ridiculous although there are parts in which I can relate to, but it also woke me up on how the writing of an unfiltered depress mind can be perceived by an outsider as unnecessary self-pity that could come off as what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-this-guy, what-is-his-problem or what-is-the-big-deal?

When I started coming out to more people this year, a handful of them in my circle actually asked me what the hell went on back there? Of how things got so blown up, what all that big fuss was about and how I ended up being so defeated in the low. My answer to them was I don't know. It is difficult, if not impossible for me to come up with a logical explanation for why I couldn't handle life.

All I knew was that apart from coming to terms with my homosexuality, I was also juggling with another upsetting problem then. The whole thing weighed me down so bad that I think having an emotional meltdown was probably my own way of coping, and because every human being is blessed with different levels of resilience. I know I probably wasn't very smart in handling myself, but at least I knew how courageous and strong of a person I can be. Sometimes I wonder, had I not gone through that extreme dark period of low, would I still be alive and coping today?

Looking back at all that was written within 2012, I could only say that those depressive thoughts and feelings were every bit real, and every bit radioactively harmful as they were. Those unfiltered emotions that were the inner raw thoughts of me did come directly from someone who was mentally incarcerated in a depressive state of mind drowning in fear, uncertainty and negativity. Whatever it was and still is, I will not try to justify because it will be paralysing to retard myself in the past.

However, the surprising thing that came out of it all I'd say, is that I'm immensely grateful for having established Gay & Invisible and being able to rely on this white space to heal my wounds. I never thought writing could provide me with such priceless form of self-therapy. The constant embarrassing honesty and words spilled here has in many ways, helped me understand myself better and at the same time, immortalised my journey and issues in black and white. 

Not only has it become the backbone for which I will continue to lean on to for support as I grow older in life, but I'd also like to think that it successfully played a part in sheltering other guys out there who are in need of comfort amidst their own struggles.

I will end this post with an interesting article on TIME.com titled: How Writing Heals Wounds of Both the Mind and Body


UPDATED: 24th August 2013
Here's an interestingly helpful input from Naturegesetz, extracted from the comments section of this post.

I get the impression that lots of people do what you did. Maybe they don't like the side effects, or maybe they just don't want to have to keep taking the medicine because it makes them feel weak or something. It's good that you recognized that in your case, as in most others, the result was not good.

You write, "What I'm worried of is if I will ever be free of it soon to live an independent life for myself."

I understand this to mean "to be free of drugs so as to live a life independent of them," although I see it could also mean "to be free of depression so as to live a life independent of drugs."

Either way, I think what is needed is to be free of the depression, and your experience shows you that you need some kind of medication for that. So I don't think you should see getting off the meds as necessary to your life. People whose legs don't function properly need wheelchairs to get around and elevators to get from one floor to another. It would be unrealistic for them to decide to ditch the wheelchair and the elevators and start walking up the stairs.

The medications aren't the problem. The depression is. Of course, if you can ever overcome it to the extent that you don't need any drugs, that will be great.

Hang in there.