Coming Out to More and More People

As the year goes by, I seem to be coming out to more and more people that I care about. 5 new people this year to be exact, including a university classmate who also counter confessed to discovering that her heterosexual brother is harbouring a homosexual secret that went against everything our parents would have believed in. I told myself that I will be there for her and also her brother should they ever need to face any kind of storm, because I know how it feels.

This week, I finally picked up the courage and contacted a very good guy friend of mine after disappearing from his radar for about 2 years because I couldn't face the world and needed time to sort myself out.

During the period from which I cut myself off from people, I remember thinking that if I were to ever be reunited with friends that I care about, I vow to give them a deep insight as to what happened to me and what went on in my world for the past 2 years. I wanted these carefully chosen people to hear it personally from me, than to one day find that out from the outside, from somebody else, or from an exploited situation. Once I get this out of the way, I will know that I can go out and live my life more courageously and openly.

We sat down together just like old times at a regular place and I started talking. I would be lying if I said I wasn't at all nervous prior to opening up, but I knew in my heart that if someone truly cared about me, their soul would genuinely hear mine. I think I grappled with the idea of telling him because he's one of my rare guy friends and I didn't want to scare him away.

I took him on a journey, picking up from the last time we saw each other till where I am sitting now. Just like everybody else who grew up with me, their speculations couldn't have been more accurate and it was no surprise to him that I'm gay. I appreciated him for listening and for responding very well. He told me to be proud of myself based on what I've come through.

I acknowledged his words, but also stressed that I will not feel peace until I am completely independent in all aspects of my life. Personally, emotionally, financially and professionally. I've also admitted to him that I've always felt secondary to them and how I now have to further accept that my path can never be of normal people in a heterosexual world. That the concept of growing old, giving an answer if someone here ask if I have a girlfriend, being in a relationship, marriage or even children will have a twist to them.

As I sat there in front of him, I revisited an old file in my head and started thinking about destiny. I pondered if there is a reason why some people's lives are so filled with good, success and always having it easier than others. He was promoted twice within an organisation, head-hunted by another, bought a house, a car and already looking forward to officially settling down with his girl. 

My intuition about him doing very well in life, was right, and I was genuinely happy for him because I thought, if I'm not going to live the nice dream I pictured for myself, at least somebody else I grew up with was living theirs. It also made me realised that I've wasted so much time being lost while the hard work of others have nicely fallen into place for them.

If there really is a God, a universe out there that responds, I hope I'm not too late and I hope that you will still guide me to live the best possible dream for myself. I hope there is a reason why my journey is the way it is. I hope whatever time I think I waste, spending it in here trying to write and also to help others, would come back to me in proportion, in good and also in blessing.