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Friday, 2 March 2012

As Long as You're Not Gay

I'm at a stage in life whereby I'm juggling with too many personal problems at once. In addition, it's been a rough week as apart from my personal life, a lot of things have been going through my mind in regards to my independence and future well-being (life, studies, career etc) which hasn't really been going well. It's been months since I last spoke to my close friends or anybody for that matter about my depressed feelings. Hence, I went to my bed, covered myself in my duvet, hugged my pillow and cried really hard. It's amazing how bedding accessories can offer temporary comfort when we truly are alone. 

2 minutes into recuperation, my phone starts to vibrate. It was my mother, and she obviously could tell from my voice that I was in a depressing mood, even when I tried to sound normal. Like any gay guy, I have an extremely close relationship with my mother. After a few minutes of exchanging sentences, we ended the conversation. 

Within 30 seconds, she called again and I picked up. 
She: "So what is it that's really bothering you?"

We had a very long and deep conversation in which was filled with encouragement and unconditional love. However, apart from the things that we could talk about, I told her I had other problems of my own and that I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. She continued to be very supportive. However, just when I was starting to feel better and thought that maybe I might be able to come out to her very soon, she uttered in a very firm way...

She: "It can be any problem, just as long as it doesn't concern you being gay. As long as you're not gay."

There was a long uncomfortable silence. As those shiveringly piercing words excoriated my heart, the seemingly supportive mother-son conversation rapidly lost it's value as I plunged immediately back into the depressed state that I was before she called. It hit me that the homophobic reality of my family is now putting our relationship seriously at stake because I'm now starting to accept that I am no longer embarrassed about being gay. It took me a long time to come to terms with myself after having painfully confront my internalised homophobiaNevertheless, I am still hurt by all that is happening. We've come a long long way together as a family, and I'm eager to see if we're ever going to survive this. How can I make my parents understand that being gay is not a choice, neither it is a "lifestyle"?  

Forgive me for all the negativity, because on top of having to sort out my invisibility, my diffidence, my self-image issues and unhappiness, I have all these practical shit life throws at me.

1 comment:

  1. Just kill them and drink their blood and eat their limba.