Reflections On A Motorcycle Journey

It's been more than a decade since I last took a ride on a motorcycle. Today, while having some work business to attend to, I was required to travel on my team partner's scooter due to the lack of a better transport.

I've never mentioned my colleague before so let me talk a little bit about him. Within the same week of me being sexually hungry at the mall, all I could think of at work was sex and making out with a guy. I believe it was a Friday when he wore a slim-fitted T-shirt, and I laid eyes on his athletic biceps for the first time. They weren't exactly guns, but they certainly look very tan and appetising. In fact, I was heavily distracted.

I remember working alongside him that day and all I wanted to do, was tell him to come take a break with me in the pantry and let me feel his arms up with my hands and mouth. My team partner is not what I would perceive as attractive even though he's tall but he has a very diffusive straight-guy charm and a pleasant personality that puts him on a shining pedestal higher than many.

One day, I completely zoned out into an erotic coma when he was just wearing his socks and slipping on his shoes right next to me. I wanted to kiss his instep and slowly glide right up to his crotch, his abs, his chest, his biceps and finally, his lips. There was nothing I could do to stop these sexual thoughts from encroaching into my conscious mind.

So coming back to today, it was a little daunting forgetting how to find my balance on a motorcycle. My colleague then told me to hold on to him for support in order to let myself feel more comfortable. And just like grabbing a cereal box with both hands, I held on to his biceps. I felt them move at his control and they were firm and hard. After about 5 minutes into the journey, I finally found my balance and let go.

The wind, the sound of vehicles, the smell of traffic and the vibratory movement. During my ride with him, many things crossed my mind and I had a surreal tribal council moment with myself in my head. With my team partner's broad shoulders staring back at me, I thought about how I came to be this boy M, who not only feels awkwardly out of place every time when it comes to being with guys, but who also develop all sorts of incomprehensible emotions towards them. Be it lust, be it idolisation, be it admiration, be it affection.

I thought to myself: "What is this?" What was nature's deal that made me who I am this way? Am I afraid that these guys will see right through me or am I just protecting my fragile self? Is it really the absence of paternal affection, a father figure, a male role model in my life that gave rise to my situation today? How did I end up being different? Am I such an insecure soul that I allowed my extreme idolisation for guys while growing up, turn into wanting to be bonded with a man? How did I become such a, for lack of a better word, "weirdo"?

I drifted in similar thoughts throughout the day and finally, here I am 10 hours later, writing this down before going to bed as I dream of a better tomorrow.