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Friday, 28 June 2013

Meeting An Old Crush Halfway Around the World

During my time in high school, I've had ridiculous amounts of guy fantasies and crushes. If only people even remotely knew what went on in my head for every single slightly good-looking guy I see, I would have been declared an under-age manwhore or a sex addict.

Within my uncontrollable lust for my school mates, there were also exceptional cases where my feelings for certain special guys never died. This particular guy I'm about to recall was my high school class president. I can't remember when the admiration started, but gradually over time I secretly fell in love because he embodied what I'd considered to be an ideal boyfriend within school grounds.

S was academically competent, playful, funny, mature, loyal and a nice guy. On the physical side, he's good-looking, tall, tanned with a toned athletic body to match. He was a very attractive package to me, in mind, in body and in soul. Even though we were in the same class for 2 years, but I never got to know him personally due to his popularity. So we graduated and went our separate ways.

Back in 2011, I did some travelling on my own and happened to spend some time in a very special city that changed the course of my life. It was the city where an unexpected conversation with a gay man named R spurred me on to have the courage to confront my own homosexuality.

Coincidentally, this city also happens to be where my former class president was currently residing. It's been 6 years since we left school, but I took the initiative to contact him for a meet up in the spirit of courtesy and curiosity for how he's doing. S was very receptive to my email and responded positively that we should meet.

When the details were decided, I waited for him at the ground floor of his office building on a Tuesday evening. I would be lying if I said I wasn't in any way nervous or anxious or starting to feel inferior in some way. He came up behind me and we shook hands, giving each other a hug and firm pat on the back. 

Man, he still looked so good. I felt so jealous wishing I had some of his genes. At that point, I was resisting the urge to pull him towards me, smell his neck and kiss him passionately like a long lost lover. Hey there stranger! I've missed you so much!! I'm here. We're here! Do you miss us? 

"Hey M, how are you?", asked S as he startled me back to reality. I couldn't believe we were standing beside each other on a pavement halfway around the world, thousands of miles away from our original home. We started walking towards a nearby subway station as we talked about our individual journeys that culminated with us meeting here. By chance or by fate, he was lucky enough to have found a job here in this bustling metropolis of amazing opportunities. It seems as if he really worked hard in the midst of all the cards turning out right for him. I was envious but at the same time, wasn't surprised that his luck in life brought him this far.

He asked me if his girlfriend could join us for dinner and I was very receptive to the idea of meeting her. We all sat down for East Asian cuisine and she turned out to be very funny and interesting. I was a fan of her instantly. I liked her character so much that I comprehended how lucky she was to have him as a boyfriend and how they both complimented each other.

They each had an amazing career in this cosmopolitan city of dreams. They shared an apartment together and a dog. S himself was self-assured and confident. A good-looking guy with the smarts and the luck. The vibe I got was that he was already well on his way to building a stable adult life together with his girl even before hitting 25. Life seemed so promising on their side, which worried me even more as to how my life is going to turn out at the rate it was going.

At that point, I felt like a bankrupted person in mind and at heart whenever S strikes up a conversation about me. The fact that I was already feeling so inferior and in envious of their position in life, I could never bring myself to let them or anybody else know about my ongoing struggles. That, behind this friendly façade I projected when I was with them and in between discovering the city as a traveller, I was hiding immense pain. My depression, my examination failure, my homosexuality, my coming-out, my conversation with R, my walking into a gay bar for the first time, my sense of self-worth, self-loathing etc

Looking at S, I couldn't help but feel left out. He was my crush, my high school class president, the guy I once thought I could see myself civil-partnering. I think subconsciously, I had a thought that if he was straight and that I couldn't be with him, I would at least be as successful as him. Whatever it is, seeing S in the flesh again after 6 years of absence felt very pleasant. I am genuinely happy for him and have confidence that he will grow on to bigger success and happiness. Because that's how you feel for people you sincerely have a soft spot for.

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